Friday Moods

Happy Friday! I hope everyone has been well and that you’ve been enjoying the new month! I’m a little surprised knowing that we’re in June now, normally when a new month rolls around I just accept that it’s here and leave it be, but we’re really in the month of June…..and we’re at the second week of it at that…..It’s a little weird because it sorta feels like mid June then beginning of it, which technically we are nearing the middle of June so i’m not too far off with how this month is feeling.

We’ve come to another end of the week, part of it went pretty quickly, honestly I think the only day that felt very long was Tuesday other than that, this week pretty much flew by, maybe it’s just me, I don’t know the second week of June has felt somewhat weird, not in a bad way, but it did feel weird. You know i’m just going to be honest here, I’m not really sure what exactly I’m trying to write here in this post…..I felt the need to write something, however I don’t necessarily know what I was feeling to write, so there’s a good chance that this post won’t really be that long, sorry about that….I’m not going to count this one as my monthly chat where I express how the month as been and how it’s going, if I am to be honest….I sorta woke up feeling….how to express it!?

Maybe a little unmotivated as well as not even sure what I’m feeling to be fair, sometimes I’ll just have random moments where I don’t feel like I’m there, like I know what I’m doing and I can see myself doing certain things, but I’m just not 100 percent there and when I run into those kind of days, I try to figure out what it is that I’m feeling and sometimes I can pin point it a little, but there’s other days where I find myself having somewhat of a hard time figuring it out! I’m not exactly sad and I’m not angry, but I’m also not quite up there energy wise…..

If I had to give it a percetage, I would say….45/50 ish percent on the mood scale, I feel fine, but not fine! I don’t usually express on my moods honestly like that, but I’m hoping that it’s okay to feel that way and be open about it….I’d say that it’s okay that I am feeling that way, because as human beings we don’t always allow ourselves to feel the things that we’re feeling in the moment, especially when we know we aren’t feeling the greatest or we’re not exactly feeling like ourselves and maybe that’s why we give ourselves a hard time, we’re always trying to push those unwanted feeling away and just pretend that we’re okay when we know that we’re not really doing okay and it’s completely alright to not feel 100 percent all the time!

At the end of the day, we’re all human, we all feel and sometimes our moods are just not there and that’s okay, we need those not so great days in order to continue to be our best selves, it’s not always the good moments that allows us to be who we are, it’s important that we have crappy/shitty days, we need to feel those things in order to grow, without those not so great days we wouldn’t be 100 percent us, we’d only be half of that, it takes a lot of strength to be honest about how you’re really feeling even if you aren’t feeling great, now you don’t need to say it out loud, but it is important that you at least acknowledge your emotions, especially when you don’t want to, because when you find yourself not wanting to be bothered with your own thoughts and feelings that’s when you should check in the most!

Again you don’t have to express it out loud if you don’t feel like you want to, but just identify it, see it, feel it and allow them to be! If you want to express those feelings you can, only you will know whether you feel like letting it out or not, but if you don’t know that it’s okay too, when you’re ready you will, but don’t push them away from yourself if you need a moment, be sure to take that moment and remember that this too shall past and eventually you’ll start feeling okay!

I honestly didn’t expect to write this much, I really believed it was going to be a short one, but apparently I needed to say this….so if by any chance someone right now happens to come across this post and you find any of this helpful, I’m glad to hear it! I hope that you’re doing alright and enjoying this Friday and if you’re not I hope that you have a well deserved relaxed weekend and I really hope this upcoming week is a little better for you! Take care ^_^

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

The Heat & Rain Of May….(Monthly Talks)

Happy Sunday! As you may all already know, we’ve come to the last 2 days of the month of May and boy have a lot of things been happening this month, I’d like to say that, it’s been more eventful during the months of May then the other months that have gone by, but then again, every month has it’s moments, don’t you think!? I’m now 27 thanks to May and no my birthday is not today, it was earlier into the month, I don’t normally speak on when my birthday arrives, because I just don’t like to, let’s just say I’m not one to like too much spotlight on me!

I’d like to think my birthday was somewhat decent this year, I didn’t really do too much, but I did sorta enjoy myself leading up to my birthday…..I was kind of nervous and then it came and yeah I didn’t know what to feel, if i’m being honest I still don’t know what to feel…..it’s a little hard to believe that I’m already 27, but we all know that eventually we’ll just keep getting older even when we don’t actually feel it! If anyone is even curious at all to what I think, I feel that this month has taught me a lot, to explain it would be very difficult on my part, but if I had to try and put it into words the best way that I can…..one of the things May has had me really look at is, how ready you actually are, plus really seeing the kind of growth and transformation one has made…..

Does any of that makes sense!? I’m not sure, but I did say I would try and explain it the best way I could didn’t I, well that’s my way of explaining it, I felt a lot of emotions this month and excuse me for a moment because I’m going to do something I never actually do too often and that’s being honest with you all…..I like to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself usually because to express them out loud, is not only very and extremely difficult for me, but you might as well knowing everything about me! You see if I were to just say everything that’s in my heart and in my head….I think I would be in a lot of trouble because I know that there would be a hand full of people that would not be happy with me…

So as much as I struggle to keep everything under control and away from the mic when asked what it is you feel….I do my best to swallow all those things and keep them from escaping my mouth because I don’t know how else to do it, but I’d like to think I’ve improved at making people believe that it’s all good under the surface, but I’m also a little aware that people aren’t stupid and if my hunch is right then their able to sense something within me that I’m not saying, but are kind enough to not ask me unless I feel the need to want to talk about these things….little do they know, I’ll never be the one to go up to them and just say what it is i’m feeling.

It’s not something most people would admit, but it’s the truth…..the only way you’re going to get me to say what I’m thinking is knowing me extremely well, but take what I just said there with a pinch of salt because even though there are very few and I mean it very few that I can sit and genuinely speak to about my feelings without judgement or worry, I still won’t express myself to just anyone, not my family and sometimes not even my best friend and she’s my best friend….but I don’t like to talk about my feelings so I keep them to myself…..there’s only 1 person whose able to get me to say what I need to say without fail and that’s only because eventually I just tell on myself and let it out, but if I can help it….I won’t say a word!

I always feel whenever I do express myself, I wish I hadn’t, my emotions get too much for me and so when I am being honest about my feelings, it makes me feel as though it’s too much for other people and then I get upset with myself where I’m always thinking “I always say too much or write too much” and then I wish I could just take everything back into a vaccuum (or hoover is some places) it’s already hard for me to want to be open with some people and so when I do I always want to feel that it means something and is being understood properly and that I’m not just talking a load of rubbish shit and things like that…..but another thing that I’ve really tried soaking in this month is that, there are things that you have to be brave enough to say by yourself even if you find it hard to say out loud, you still should say it in the ways you do feel comfortable!

I know I’ve not written a lot these days and that’s because I was trying to challenge myself a bit, see if I could be open about specifics with just saying it, not by writing, but by actually saying it….spoiler…..it’s not really been vocalized too much and whenever I felt I failed to speak it out loud, I would get frustrated with myself because I would find myself going for it, but would hold back so I didn’t….however with every non vocal words….i’d force myself to write about it even when I didn’t want to….I felt like if I didn’t I was going to become angry with myself, due to the fact that I was holding it in.

It took a minute before I realized that, just because I can’t say it out loud just yet, doesn’t mean that I need to get upset with myself, I had to give permission and be okay with the fact that I use writing as a way of expressing what I have hard time saying out loud, not that I didn’t already know that, I mean it’s the reason I started this blog in the first place I needed something so I didn’t feel like I was holding everything in, so if writing is my way, then I have to accept that and remember it helps me to get my real feelings out, at the end of the day, I still try and so the more I try, the better I know I’ll become!

This month has also given me insight of what happens when you continue to hold yourself and take it from me if you can help it….do NOT wait too long….if you have something in your heart and on your mind constantly, don’t about too much, just go for it…..the longer you wait the more likely you are to lose it….I might’ve risked something extremely important to me and the fact that I always take forever on everything is one of my traits that I absolutely, I won’t say hate because that’s a strong word, even though I just kind of said it, but it’s one I really don’t like….although I understand…..it really does bother me….but the way I need to look at it is,

That part of it is done and has been like it for a while, but just because 1 road closes, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other back ways to take….so I need to be brave enough to go a different route, I’m not going to give up and although I know I haven’t been given up on…..I still feel like it’s my job to really do something this time around and not wait anymore, so however it’s going to play out….I need to allow it, because if I want to get there, no amount of words is going to get you there…..you have to be willing to really go for it, even if it does leave people upset with you, life doesn’t wait, so you have to not be scared to do what it is you want, you have to show yourself that you can do it and that you will, otherwise you’re going to be there waiting forever!

So I just hope that I didn’t lose that chance to proving myself and going after something that’s important to me, other then that, that’s everything I needed to say for this month….hopefully you all had a good month to May!

All The Love ❤ ❤ ❤

Lexa

Early Morning Thoughts….

Well it’s about 4am at the current moment, yeah I’m not really sure why i’m up so early either…..I’ve tried going back to sleep, but I haven’t had much luck so here I am writing a post this early in the morning! Hope everyone’s morning is going well so far, I know it’s been a bit of a while since I went ahead and wrote anything….I’ll be honest I haven’t really felt the need to write, lately I’ve only been writing every now and again. I guess that’s just where I’m at currently just writing every now and again, when I started this blog, it was because I felt I didn’t really have much of a voice, I was having a very hard time expressing myself out loud vocally

It was thanks to a very good friend of mine where I found out about WordPress, she helped me set it up and everything and from there I now had a place to express myself freely in anyway I liked and saw fit, plus I always used to write anyway just in a journal, I never really thought to express my feelings using a blog site before, but after learning about it, I started writing to help me get my feelings out that were hard for me to express naturally! It’s coming to 4 years of creating this blog and although I don’t write as much to when I first started, I still hold a very big fondness of the site I created….I know it probably sounds weird that I’m speaking about this especically so early in the morning, let alone randomly, but I’m hoping that you understand regardless!!

I’m always writing, even when I’m not writing if that makes sense!? No matter where I am or where I go I tend to have some kind of journal on me, I may not write in it all the time, but I know that if I were to need it, all I have to do is go into my back and jot down a few things and then some….but I should try and be honest and say that I do sometimes get tired of writing and when I say it like that I don’t mean it in a bad way, I’m not saying I don’t ever want to write again….I just for one know myself very well and I know that me not writing just won’t happen, but sometimes I write a lot, like more than I expect sometimes and although I’m always amazed by how much I get out that way…..

I just would like to be able to show myself more and be okay with expressing it vocally without feeling like I’m going to say the wrong thing or just not have that same confidence that I do when I am writing, I really don’t like having to be afraid of saying what it is that is on my mind and hoping that when I’m expressing it, I’m not sitting there wondering to myself “is it going to be understood, will I say it the same way I’m thinking it!?” because I always know that it’s not going to come out the same, it always comes out a totally different way and having to explain what I actually mean to certain people, just….raises my Anxiety and stress levels up, I try not to be that way at times, but sometimes it’s a little impossible especially when you’re someone with a lot of patience who does their best to make sure they’re really understanding people and what their feelings!

That all being said however, as much as I may not want it to be sometimes, writing is my way of expressing myself clearly without much worry, even when I’m afraid to say things….it always shows patience with me as weird as it is to say, but it’s the truth! If were to tell you the many times I was terrified of writing things down, always getting myself anxious and stressed out because I didn’t know where to start, but eventually something would come out and I would just follow it from there, I know I’ve improved in being more open when I speak,

but I also know that I still struggle to get my true feeling inside out, especially when I need it to count most and that’s what where I need to build my courage towards standing up for the things I feel strongly about regardless to how it gets interpreted and if I have to write it down just to get it out there, then I need to not be afraid of using what works to my adventage when I feel myself struggling the most to get it out vocally…..it will always leave me emotional, for different reasons 1. because of how easily frustrated I get with myself and 2. because I know that once I do get out what it is I need to get out, that I am going to feel loads better about it and say “see it wasn’t so bad….sorta” right after i’ve given myself so much headaches about it!

It can be a lot to deal with sometimes, but I know that the only way things move forward is by trying even when it seems hard, I always feel the need to say something, but never do because I hold myself back a lot, I know I’ve evolved a lot from before, it’s just putting those things into orbit that I have trouble with, oh and in case it wasn’t clear….this is me also apologizing for not writing in a while, even though I did say that my writing was slowing down and that I wouldn’t be writing as much, but still I always feel I should at least write sometimes….but I’m giving myself permission to be okay with writing when I feel it to be necessary,

We’re all human and we shouldn’t put ourselves in a tight hold so much, but anyway it’s almost 5:30am as I wrap up this post, I’m going to try and get a bit more rest, I’ve only slept 4 hours, I’ll be missing the sunrise, but that’s okay I’ve seen half of it, hope you guys have a good rest of the day, take care and stay safe!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Levels Of Growth

Maaan has it been a while since my last post, it’s not yet been a month, but it’s been a while! Honestly I’ve wanting to write something for the longest, yet nothing ever sparked my interest enough to say “yeah this might be a good thing to talk about” We’re already in the middle of April and each day that came by I would just say to myself, I haven’t written not one thing this month and maybe that’s alright, but to me I just felt like What is going on there!? Today however, I feel a little bit inspired to write so I shall take whatever this inspiration is and do my best to just go with it! It feels good to write something that I can share after a long while….

Now before we continue on, I just want to say that I have been writing this month, I just haven’t written anything to share, my writing have been more personal based these days, I guess that’s just where I’m at currently, which I know isn’t a bad thing, but still I have been wanting to share something and I guess that’s where this post comes in! As you can see I’ve titled this post levels of growth, why exactly? That’s a good question, let’s just say it was something that felt right to title here…..growth is a significant thing that we all experience in our lifetime constantly, be it a small growth or a really big way of transforming…sometimes we can see it pretty clear and sometimes we don’t always know when the next transformation will be….we can sense it and feel it coming, but we don’t always know, but that’s the beauty of it yeah!?

Life has many ways of challenging you, as well putting you in a postition of what you feel to be the best way to grow and trive, but it doesn’t mean that it’s entirely easy…..it can be as simple as choosing your favorite game to play or what kind of snack you’re in the mood for, I know pretty weird seeing it that way, but what I mean by that is life is that simple most times, it’s just other things that can make it seem difficult! When you look at the word Growth on it’s own, it makes you feel something doesn’t it? You know it’s got an importantance to it, yet the word looks simple, it doesn’t really look all that intimidating when you’re just reading the word….but the feel and experience that comes with it can be quite frightening when you’re looking at it more deeply.

It’s like when admiring a flower, you wouldn’t think they’re able to harm you, but look at roses, although they’re very beautiful to look at, you got to be careful when picking them, because they hold thorns….if you look at cacti you know not to touch them because you can see all the little needles it’s got, but even with knowing that people like to have them as plants and then there’s the Aloe plant although it’s got healing abilities, it too has it’s own thorns/needles, if you really think about though, the Aloe plant kind of has an accidental proneness connected to it, I say that beacause even when it hurts you, it’s character speaks loud without actually talking and it let’s you know “Oh i’m sorry, didn’t mean to hurt you, here let me help you”

I know this is probably getting off track, I was trying to make a point where I explain how just like some flowers have a bit a gray area, so does growth, I don’t know if I tied it in nicely enough, but hopefully it makes some kind sense! Anyway back to what I was saying….we all experience growth differently and sometimes it can be hard to embrace different levels of it, due to the fact that it can require a lot of braveness, courage and strength to help unlock that next transformation that we’re needing and majority of the time, however you feel yourself growing and changing, it’s not always going to be ideal for others, even those who are close to you….

You see for some, even when you are putting it out there how much you’ve progressed and evolved, sometimes it doesn’t get taken seriously and it can get very frustrating, because although your doing your best to show and let people know who you are and who you kind of always been deep down…..it can feel like they’re not really seeing you the way you’re wanting them to and are still sorta treating you the same, even when you know you’ve grown from that point. There’s going to come a moment where you know that, even though you may not want to, you’re going to have to do something so out of character where they have no choice, but to notice and really get them to see and think to themeselves “this is not the same person that I know”

After the reactions, you will probably most definitely feel a bit of a shift following that experience and to be honest there’s probably going to be some hurt involved and that’s going to probably hurt you, but with growth, you have to be strong and brave, you have to hold that courage inside otherwise what was it for!? If you want people to start seeing YOU and taking you more seriously…..you can’t be afraid to push back! Now even if you happen to leave someone hurt….don’t see it as an automatic negative experience, growth comes in many forms and although we all like life to be smooth sailing…..it’s not always going to be like that, there will be moments where you have to choose the road that involves a bit more…..deep breathing to get through and you will have to make a choice!

We always hear, take the road less traveled and I’m starting to realize and understand that, the road less traveled gives you the most experiences and how you choose to travel through it really comes down to what you feel inside and what your inner compass/heart is leading you toward….so if you feel you want to go a specific way, but you have people telling you to do it a certain way, you have to go with your own feelings, because at the end of the day….it’s your journey, we all share life, but we all have our way of living it, so if you feel strongly about something and you want to do it…..do it…..even if it requires you to go into the unknown of it and it may upset people, we shouldn’t have to feel like we can’t do something because it’ll make someone upset!

Sometimes we can get caught up in what others are saying, that we forget we have our own voice too and we don’t have to always go by what they say, if they can’t support you in the journey you choose for yourself then you have to know that it’s not on you to make them understand, cause they’re either going to understand by you be honest and letting them know right away or by you saying I’m going to do it anyway whether you like it or not and who knows maybe you’ll get the combination which can be more challenging and if you do get them both, it just shows you got more edge to you and your a badass kind of person!

Whatever is in your heart to do, please don’t hold yourself back, growth is scary, yes, but it’s also necessary for you to grow into the person you feel yourself to be….so with all that said, I shall leave you all with a quote, one of my favorites actually ^_^

“Don’t Hold Back, For Anyone…..The Further You Go, The Prouder I’ll Be”

Ming-Turning Red

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa