Last Day Of December And 2018……LONG REFLECTION!!!

So it’s the last day of December and there’s only a few more hours left until we enter 2019………..maybe for some it’s already 2019 i’m not sure, I know some people are closer to it being 2019 then we are though. It’s been quite a year 2018 has, a lot happened, I met my boyfriend in person in the beginning of January of 2018, he came back again in March and pretty much lived over here for 3 months, we got to spend our 1 year anniversary together and he even spent my birthday with me………that was the happiest i’ve ever been having him with me and being together for that long, it’ll always be one of my favorite moments of the year.

He got to meet one of my internet friends who became one of my best friends and who actually was the one that helped me create this blog of mine, so that was another moment that i’m thankful for with this year. He got to meet one of my best friends I went to high school with which was nice as well, it was just real nice having him with me and getting to know everyone and everything in general…………so many different moments that I could put here that was just very memorable in 2018 and I want to keep those in mind and put them in my memory box as I hold on to them real tightly and that’s what i’m gonna do my best to do, because those are the things I should be remembering and focusing on.

I know I talked about this year being both the best and not the best at the same time, but i’ve found myself only focusing on what wasn’t good about this year and i’m real sorry about that……….I put all my energy and focus on what happened that wasn’t good and wondering why it happened that I didn’t appreciate the good parts about this year……….I put myself in this state of mind that I hated, kicked myself down a whole lot, blamed myself for everything and that’s not something that should’ve happened, although yeah there was a lot of hard times especially around the summer, I still shouldn’t have looked at the negatives with this year……….this year would’ve turned out a whole lot differently, had I looked at it differently.

Did I make a lot of mistakes!? yes, am I proud of them!? no I am not, but that doesn’t mean that I should only look at the things I did wrong, i’m not perfect, I always tried to be and the truth of the matter is i’m not and i’m not going to ever be…………..and that’s something that was always hard for me to come to terms with, because i’ve always had this perfectionist in me that felt that everything I did had to be perfect, that’s why for so many years, i’ve always did what everyone wanted me to do, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, I always wanted everyone to be happy…………but constantly wanting everyone to be happy, you find that you become unhappy in the process of that and that’s when you start breaking down.

This year……….I guess I finally broke down and I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up doing what came naturally to me and that was to shut down……..and that took me away from everything, some would say otherwise, but it was me who broke down, it was me who made myself the way I was…………and the weird part is…………I never once stopped to think that, I never once asked myself why I was the way I was, but you realize that sitting with yourself and being in your head 24/7 there’s a lot of things that you uncover about yourself and there was a lot of things that I uncovered about myself and I began to like myself less and less because of that, which made me become very hard on myself and i’ve always been hard on myself, but it was never to the point of where I was this year.

There’s a lot of different things I learned this year, I learned that blaming yourself for things all the time isn’t good, I learned that although you may want to change things and you wish that certain things would go back to how they use to be, they won’t and you can’t……….and yeah it’s real frustrating, but you can’t change the past, you can only work on trying to makes sure the next thing that you do doesn’t turn out the way it did before.

I learned that you can’t keep dwelling on what happened in the past, you’ll only keep yourself there by doing that and that’s not something you want. I learned that we’re not the only ones that have a hard time, there are worst things that happen and when we feel as though, we’re going through so much, we complain about it, it’s just a human thing, it’s okay to complain once in a while, but you also have to make sure that you know that, there are people who go through things a whole lot more than what we are going through, in the moments when we’re feeling at our lowest of lows, but know it’s also alright to have a few bad days yourself, just make sure you’re not having them all the time.

Those are a lot of lessons that I had and still need to keep in mind, but the main and big thing that I learned this year is, in order to move forward you have to let yourself move forward and not let fear keep you from putting in hard work to things, as much as we may want it to, life doesn’t come easy, but that still shouldn’t stop you from living life. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to know how everything is going to play out and how it’s going to be, whether you’ll do well and everything……….but when you find yourself doing that, you end up putting so much more stress and pressure on yourself for it, that it makes your brain think that it’s scary and that you’re unable to do it, which will make you freeze up and it’ll make you think that you’re not going to be good enough for it and you don’t want to ever do that.

You don’t want to let fear keep you from being happy and enjoying things, because you’re afraid that it’s not going to go well or that you’re going to mess everything up, you have to do your best to keep your mind away from those sorts of thoughts, because if you let it take over, you’ll never want to move and believe me that’s something you want to avoid doing. If there’s anything you should avoid, avoid holding yourself back and keeping yourself from where I kept myself all these years, i’ve been afraid my whole life and because I was afraid and scared I ended up not really trying as hard as I should’ve, keeping myself within four walls everywhere I went and trust me that’s not how you want to live, it gets boring after a while of it.

This coming from me and from someone who has kept herself to herself for a very long time, if you ever find yourself wanting to hold yourself back from something that you feel deeply for or just anything, DON’T unless you feel it to be super important, don’t hold yourself back, be happy and give things a try even if you end up not liking it, try, you’ll thank yourself so much for it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for it too.

This year has been full of lessons, emotions and a whooole lot of thinking, i’m a little nervous for this year i’ll be honest, although it’s just another year, it’s a year that I really need to make count and not be afraid of and that’s scary, but I know that by changing things around, i’ll feel better for it.

So……..what’s your reflection on 2018!?

All The Love ❤ ❤


First Journal…..

Update: Hey everyone, hope you’re all well and enjoying the day just giving you a heads up, I wrote this post a few days ago, can’t remember when exactly, I think I wrote this Thursday or Wednesday, one of those days. In this post i’ll be sharing a small story on my very first journal and speaking about journals in general.

I don’t know exactly when I first started writing, I think I just randomly picked it up somehow, i’m not sure………I think the first thing I ever wrote was a random story I made up while playing with some dolls I had when I was younger, yeah I know. I would always make stuff up when playing with them, but there was this one day where something in me was like, “maybe you should write this down”, I think I had them pretend they were in a school play and I guess I wanted it to be real and so I remember writing the lines, well words that I was saying out loud in this notebook that I had.

I actually had to re-write the story in a really huge notebook because in the notebook I originally wrote it in, it started coming apart and the pencil was fading from it as well, so I had to switch it over. Now the story was the first thing I wrote, but not in a journal, the first journal that was given to me was from my mom, I guess she noticed I was starting to write a lot and so she bought a journal for me, it’s a red one and I actually still have it, when she gave it to me, she wrote a long note in it, which was nice.

I still have that note as well, however the page she wrote it on ripped from the journal, but I still kept it though as a nice memory. I got it when I was around 13, I think I was still in middle school when she gave it to me, I never had an actual personal journal before so I was a little excited when I got it, I ended up writing my songs in there.

I started writing songs around age 13 as well, I believe the first song I ever wrote was a song called Don’t Let Me Go, I don’t remember the lyrics to it, but I still have the song so I can just look back at it……..I use to write a whole lot of songs, at the time of course you think they make sense and then you look back at them when you’re older and you realize they didn’t or you feel they weren’t as good as you thought they were when you wrote it originally.

Anytime I find myself down memory land, looking back at all those songs, some of them are surprising to me and some of them are like “What was I thinking when I wrote this” not all of them are like that though, there’s a good amount of them that I actually still like lyric wise, but if there’s certain lyrics I don’t like or i’m not sure about, then I think to myself “I might change that later” but some are okay, the other ones I keep away if I don’t like them completely.

Ever since I got my first actual journal, I just started becoming obsessed with journals all together, I think it’s because in my opinion, journals are like this precious thing to you once you are either given one or you get one and because you know it’s yours, it becomes very personal to you to where you never want it out of your sight, plus there’s just something about owning a journal. You can write about anything you want when having a journal, you don’t have to give it a specific personality, you could just go to town with it, it gives you this sense of comfort, stability, connection and it lets you choose what it is you want it to be.

You know what I love!? I love when you see a journal or when you’re holding a journal and right away you know exactly what you’re going to put in it, that feeling and sense of knowing is one of my favorite things. You do however, have some journals where you don’t know what to fill in it, some are easy to decide and others are a little harder, I have a lot of journals and a lot of them i’ve already figured out what their gonna be and then I have some where I still think what I want them to say, my point is I just love journals!!

They let you express yourself in ways that are endless and you have the choice and power to give them a voice of love and light or maybe you want them to say words that you feel you can’t or don’t want to say out loud. It’s crazy because we all know that ever since technology came into our lives, we only ever use that, when we’re feeling something or we need to write something down we don’t think of grabbing a journal or a piece of paper, we just add it to our notes in our phones or deal with it, which is fine, but I always feel having a little journal or a notebook of some sort, can come in handy for when you’re unable to use your phone or computer.

This probably went off track a whole lot, but thinking about how I even got into writing (even though i’m not sure what made me want to start writing) and also where I started with my very first journal, I think that’s why I love and appreciate them so much, it gave me this voice that I didn’t really know I had and it let me also express myself in a whole lot of different ways, not just with my thoughts, it let me express myself with lyrics, ideas, stories, dreams, even reviews for a good while.

I owe a lot to writing and journals, they really became a huge part of my life, which you wouldn’t think that something so……..simple we’ll say, would really be that big to you, but it is, well for some it is, which is a little crazy to think, but also not as well you know!? I know writing and journals aren’t for everyone and that’s alright, but I still think they’re great. Last thing, you know what I realize!? when you’re saying things out loud not a lot of people listen or take notice as much, unless you’re one of those people who, when you walk into a room everyone has their attention on you, like you make them listen, you know what I mean!?

For those who keep to themselves though and don’t have that confidence to approach people or things that way, to have something like journals or anything creative where everything they want to say out loud, but just aren’t able to, they can just put it into something else like their art or writing and you don’t know it because they do it in a way that, if you want to figure out what they’re trying to say, you have to either read it, listen to it or look at it very closely, for you to be able to speak their language and understand their mind and feelings, which I think is very fascinating.

Do you or have you ever owned a journal and if so, what was your first ever journal and what kind of stuff did you write in it!?

All The Love ❤ ❤



Update: I wrote this post 2 days ago as you can probably tell, but I wanted to keep it how I originally wrote it, so here are my thoughts and feelings from Friday.

I just realized that we have 3 more days left until this year switches from being 2018 to 2019……….i’d say that’s insane, but is it really!? Based off my expression that you’re unable to see, yeah it’s insane!!! This year really went by like nothing, I can’t believe this is the last Friday of the year and that December is close to being over………i’ll be honest with you I might be freaking out to myself a bit, i’m trying to stay calm about it though, i’m not exactly sure why i’m freaking out though, I really shouldn’t be, but I am.

I guess if I have to do some reflection on this year I might as well do it now, this year has brought some good and also some bad moments that I wasn’t expecting……….i’ve gone through a whole lot of emotions more this year than any other year before, I made a few mistakes, i’ve thought a lot and when I say a lot I mean A LOT……………i’ve been thinking about my future more than ever this year and what I would like for it to be like, you’d think i’d know, but i’m still not exactly sure, there are things that I want to stay in my life and there are things that I know i’m needing to desperately change.

Am I frightened about this upcoming year!?…………Yeah, I am………I don’t know what to expect and what’s gonna come from it and that’s kinda what scares me the most, it shouldn’t, but it does……….i’m hoping to really have a lot of courage and surprises coming from myself this year…………i’ve been holding on to my comfort zone for so many years now, i’m not really sure how to let go of it……’s very scary for me, because it’s all i’ve ever known, but I know that if I want to live a better and happier life, me keeping myself to myself and in my room 24/7 that’s not gonna make me happy, that’s just gonna keep me more closed in myself and I can’t keep doing that, it’s not healthy and I know that even though i’m really scared, I have to move on.

I have to stop being afraid and I have to let myself embrace things that i’m unsure about, if I continue to let fear keep me from moving forward, i’ll never be happy and I want to be happy and if being scared, but trying my best to move forward and not stop myself like i’ve been doing is the only way that’s gonna happen then I have to let myself be scared………and that’s something i’ve always tried to avoid, but I can’t keep avoiding it, I have to learn to face it and even if I hesitate, I can’t let those hesitations stop me unless I feel it’s really really important………..I don’t know what 2019 is going to bring and what it’s gonna be like, but i’m really really hoping that I can make this year a surprising one for myself and not let my fears interfere.

All The Love ❤ ❤



Do you ever feel as if your not understanding things as much as you think you are!? Things will happen and be said to you, but you feel as if you’re still lost in a sense, like everything is a lot more harder to comprehend then they feel……….i’m not sure how to explain that part if it’s a little hard to get. Everything just seems to have it’s own language and you try and keep up with it all, yet you still feel like you’re not getting it in the way you should……….it should be easy to get it, yet it’s not always the case, understanding something is a lot harder than what most people would think it is, there are certain things we’re able to pick up quickly and then you have other things that are like why can’t we get it right away!?

However I feel the only reason certain things are harder to get then others is because we have a hard to time breaking things down in order to make it easier for ourselves to understand, certain things are a whole lot simpler than what we keep telling ourselves, sometimes we’ll end up shaking our own head at ourselves because although we know this, we can’t find ourselves to really understand that. Now certain things are easy to understand if we let ourselves get it, but there are other things that are a little more complex to get and with those things, even though we want to get it right away, sometimes we need to give ourselves time to get them.

If we pressure ourselves to understand something or if we pressure others to understand something, we’re only gonna make it a lot harder by trying to get it and trying to get others to get it, when we know that we’re only making it worst. In a stressful situation you have to learn to stay calm and you have to learn to give yourself and others time to understand things better, because there will be times where we come across something, but we aren’t sure how to comprehend it right away, but when that happens, we need to keep in mind that kicking ourselves down and being hard on ourselves for not understanding, isn’t going to make us understand it quicker.

Unless your someone who thrives under pressure very well, don’t beat yourself up for not understanding, even the people who are good under pressure, still learn that they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves too much as well. It’s okay to be hard on yourself sometimes, but we have to keep in mind that sometimes we need to give ourselves a break so we can calmly figure the thing we aren’t getting out right then and there without all the pressure, there’s only so much pressure we can take in before we need to just step back and regroup everything that is being put in our faces to get. When you give yourself that clear mind and that sense of calmness that you need, everything that surrounds you and is on top of you, will become just a little bit easier to deal with and you’ll find that the understanding of it also becomes a little bit clearer to you, it may not be a whole lot, but it will be a bit easier then what it was before, telling yourself to take it easy helps too.

When you become aware that you’re under a lot of pressure and you know that you’re not getting things as quickly as everyone else might be, feeling like you won’t ever catch up or that you’re not gonna ever get it, that’s not something you should put in your mind, because then your mind will believe it and then that’ll cause you to stress out more and you don’t want that, you have to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you may not be getting it now and you may feel as if you’re not understanding or you won’t understand it, but don’t be so hard on yourself, just breathe and stay calm, you’ll get it, just give yourself the time to get it……….the more you force yourself to try and get it the more you’ll make it harder for you to get it.

Lastly, sometimes when you think you’re not getting it, you actually are getting it, you’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t, when deep down you do or you know it a bit more than you think you do. Don’t underestimate yourself like that, when you do that you tell yourself each time, that you’re not capable and you doing that causes you to not believe in yourself and the abilities that you have, if you don’t get it right away you don’t get it right away, it’s okay that’s not a bad thing, but don’t second guess yourself on the things you already know, don’t think, just go with the feeling.

All The Love ❤ ❤



Little song bird, for some reason you keep finding your way to me, it’s like even when you’re not around, you still know where I am, I don’t know how exactly, but I never can get away from you, I could go somewhere where I think you would never dream of going, but you’ll always end up finding me someway. I shouldn’t be surprised, considering you don’t really tend to leave, you go away, but you always come back……..You went away from me for a very long while though, i’m not exactly sure why, but it’s been a long time since we spoke, there’s been so much that I want to catch you up on.

I thought you had gone away from me for good and then out of nowhere, you started showing up again, you always do tend to come around randomly, it’s always when I least expect it, but I guess that’s your way of making it work…………I remember when we first met, you were always around me, you didn’t ever leave my side and if you did it was only for a short period………..but one day you started going for longer periods of time and then those times became longer than the last………..

I would get so frustrated because you weren’t around, I would sit just looking at the paper or journal in front of me not being able to come up with anything and if I did, it was only a few lines and when I didn’t finish those, I just kinda ended up forgetting them after a while, I always kept them though, but I wouldn’t really look back on them that much, only on occasions. I guess I would give up in a sense, thinking that you wouldn’t come around anymore…………..I went a long time without you by my side.

The stuff that we created though, only a few have seen them, I was always so shy and nervous to share them, so I would only show them to certain people, I still get a little nervous with them now…………Thanks for showing up and being there from when we first met to now and thanks for not leaving completely. I don’t know why, but I always get so happy when i’m writing with you again, we’ve come up with some really good and surprising things, I write, but never really know where it all comes from, but I guess that’s the best part of it right!?

When you’re not thinking and you’re just getting lost in the writing process of things, sometimes you don’t even know how much you’re actually writing until you’ve actually stop writing or you don’t know what you’ve come up with until you actually step back and look at it properly. Those kind of moments I would say are the best kind of feelings, because you’re not thinking of anything, you’re just creating, even though you have to think to create, but it’s not full of messes, frustration yes, but no messes or anything, unless you’re a painter then yeah there’s gonna be a lot of messes, at least it’s good though, thank you though song bird, thank you for everything.

I know that I haven’t really took a chance or advantage of what you’ve brought to me and i’m sorry about that, all of our creations we’re always so personal to me that I didn’t know how to share it and if I thought about sharing it, I would get really scared…………I still get scared, i’m always scared you could say and now i’m trying to figure out how to be less scared, beside you giving me something to create and work on, I also had other things that were creative as well, I took a chance on them for a good while, but then I got scared again and I left them to collect dust which I know I shouldn’t have done………..I don’t know why i’m afraid to create, I enjoy it and it’s always been apart of me, it’s just the sharing part that I have trouble with at times.

I always over think on things which doesn’t do me any good because then it keeps me more afraid and less expressive, I really don’t want to be afraid anymore, I just want to have that thing in me where I don’t have to think twice on everything, it’s just natural………..i’m hoping that I surprise myself where I don’t have to keep writing about being afraid, I can just breathe.

All The Love ❤ ❤


This Brain Of Mine….

Oh brain, why do you overthink so much!? Why are you always playing things over and over in my head when you know that’s where my focus is going to be!? Why do you find the need to leave me in all these thoughts that race back and fourth in this mind of ours!? You know exactly what you’re doing, you know that if you give me things to think about, that i’m not gonna stop thinking about them until I figure out what it is you want me to know and what it is you’re trying to tell me, are you even trying to tell me anything or are you just trying to distract me from things!?

I don’t know why you’re so easy to get so consumed in, a lot of the time you don’t give me the best advice, you just give me so many options to so many things that it’s hard to choose from them all. You may give me a few ideas here and there, but once we act on it, you try and convince me that it wasn’t a good idea after all, even when the feeling of it tells you otherwise…….Why do you worry so much, why do you make me feel as though everything I go to do won’t be good enough before we even get started completely!? Why is it always why with you and what if’s and all the uncertainties!? Why do I always let you win with every battle I fight with you!? I don’t know why, I don’t even know why i’m asking myself why, I should already know right!?

I just keep listening to you even when I know I shouldn’t, all these years where I could’ve been doing all these different things and I let you get in the way of my successes……….I listened to you when you told me I shouldn’t do things that I was thinking about doing, you brought fear into my head and you let fear give me limits to what I could do, you made me give limits to myself and then I became my own fear, I became this person who was afraid of everything………..You make things so much more difficult then I know they really are, I try to tell myself that it’s not as hard as it may seem, but you keep telling me otherwise, you keep wanting me to stay this way and then I end up feeling really bad about it and when I sat and blamed everyone else……….it turned out to be that the real issue was me.

I did it, I let you win, every time I tried or wanted to fight back, somehow you were always stronger than me and that’s because I didn’t fight back hard enough, i’m trying to fight back now against you and I struggle to because of much I let you control and take over………..I don’t want you to take over anymore. I want to overcome all these fears you put in front of me to keep me in your grasps, I don’t want you to keep telling me something is a bad idea even when you’re the one giving me the ideas, I don’t want you making me worry about every little thing anymore, I don’t want the what if’s or the maybe you shouldn’t’s or anything that makes me question things that might actually be something I might and could enjoy.

I want to push past you and surprise myself on things that I thought I could never be good at, even if I do struggle and you keep coming around to put more and more fears in my face, I want to be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how many times I fall, even if I hesitate, I don’t want those hesitations to keep me from stopping or looking back and falling back in line for you. I let you convince me for too long that I should be scared and that I shouldn’t try or that I should just give up and I don’t want you ever to stop me again from reaching my potential, I don’t want you to be in charge any longer, i’m gonna do my hardest and the best that I can to make sure you don’t make me hold myself back again.

Things may be scary and we could possibly get hurt, but in life sometimes you have to fall so hard to the ground that it makes you really look at yourself and decide on whether you want to give up or if you want to keep going and I want to keep going, I need to keep going, I know what i’m capable of, I may not be the quickest at doing things and I may take a lot of time with it, but I know that i’m capable. I know that if I just put my mind and everything in me to it, I can do it, but I don’t want you trying to convince me otherwise, I know the fear in me is strong right now and I know that it’s gonna take everything I have to gain the amount of courage that I need in order to break away from all this fear inside me.

I know that I can do it though, I know that i’m stronger than I make myself believe and I know that everything has to come from me, I try and help everyone else with the advice I give, but I know that I need to start taking it in myself. My mind is me, but i’m not my mind, I am stronger than it, I can beat this even when sometimes I don’t feel like I can. It’s not impossible, no more trying to be or do things perfectly, no one is perfect, we’re all perfectly imperfect, we all make mistakes and mess up and give ourselves a hard time and that’s okay, it’s okay to not have everything figured out, it’s okay that we’re not always happy, we’re gonna struggle and it’s gonna be hard, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to get through it.

Brain I hope you’re listening to me, I need you to listen to me, please stop making things so much more complicated then they actually are and stop being afraid, it’s okay to be scared, but stop being afraid to where it makes me stop and overthink things and over analyze everything, there’s no need to overanalyze, try and make thing a lot more simpler, you might thank me for it later.

All The Love ❤ ❤


Dec 25, 2018

Merry Christmas Everyone and Happy Holidays to those who don’t really celebrate Christmas, I hope that you all are enjoying the holidays and enjoying your time with family and friends or whoever you’re celebrating the day with. I’m not really doing much for the holidays, i’ve just been home mainly, i’ve talked about this before where I said whenever the holidays come around we don’t really do much, for us (my family) the holidays are just regular days, we don’t do anything special as i’m sure a lot of you might.

The last time we did have everyone together during Christmas was a very long time, I don’t remember the actual year, but it was a good while, the only thing I remember about it was that my friend and his cousin spent it with me, but we haven’t really had a big gathering since then though………it’s crazy to think that the older you get the less important the holidays seems……….we all know that Christmas is mainly for the kids, kids make the holidays, especially Christmas, without them we wouldn’t really be into the holidays as much.

Do any of you have holidays memories!? I don’t really have a lot of holiday memories and if I do they’re very few ones………..I remember one time where I walked into my moms room of an old house I use to live in and I think I was looking for something in the closet of the room, but i’m not sure, but I remember looking up and seeing presents in the top shelf of the closet, but I pretended that I didn’t see them though, that was one memory.

Another memory was the last time all of my family were together for Christmas, one of the presents that I got from one of my aunts was a picture frame, not kidding, not sure why she thought i’d want the frame, but she gave it to me and ironically I still have it and it’s in use, still it’s a bit of a weird gift to give someone, but hey made use out of it, so I guess it wasn’t a bad gift. I actually don’t think i’ve ever received a bad gift before, anything I use to get, I would keep it for a long period of time, unless I decided I didn’t want it anymore then i’d give it away or something.

The last few Christmas’s that we’ve had, my friends would come over and they stay for the weekend and we’d all play video games and just hang out in my house and just enjoy each other’s company, that was fun, I miss those days. I don’t really have any other memories to share with Christmas, today like I said earlier we didn’t really do much, I did speak a bit with my boyfriend and his family in the morning so that’s kinda like a nice memory, even though I wasn’t actually there with them, but still I got to speak with them a bit and see them and what they got for Christmas which was very nice, after that I did a bit of cleaning in my room while listening to some music, watched some videos and did some writing, nothing too big, but i’d say that it wasn’t a bad day at all, it was actually quite nice.

Let me know in the comments how you celebrated Christmas and if you have any Christmas or other holiday memories feel free to share it if you like, i’d love to hear about them.

All The Love ❤ ❤