Month: December 2018

Last Day Of December And 2018……LONG REFLECTION!!!

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So it’s the last day of December and there’s only a few more hours left until we enter 2019………..maybe for some it’s already 2019 i’m not sure, I know some people are closer to it being 2019 then we are though. It’s been quite a year 2018 has, a lot happened, I met my boyfriend in person in the beginning of January of 2018, he came back again in March and pretty much lived over here for 3 months, we got to spend our 1 year anniversary together and he even spent my birthday with me………that was the happiest i’ve ever been having him with me and being together for that long, it’ll always be one of my favorite moments of the year.

He got to meet one of my internet friends who became one of my best friends and who actually was the one that helped me create this blog of mine, so that was another moment that i’m thankful for with this year. He got to meet one of my best friends I went to high school with which was nice as well, it was just real nice having him with me and getting to know everyone and everything in general…………so many different moments that I could put here that was just very memorable in 2018 and I want to keep those in mind and put them in my memory box as I hold on to them real tightly and that’s what i’m gonna do my best to do, because those are the things I should be remembering and focusing on.

I know I talked about this year being both the best and not the best at the same time, but i’ve found myself only focusing on what wasn’t good about this year and i’m real sorry about that……….I put all my energy and focus on what happened that wasn’t good and wondering why it happened that I didn’t appreciate the good parts about this year……….I put myself in this state of mind that I hated, kicked myself down a whole lot, blamed myself for everything and that’s not something that should’ve happened, although yeah there was a lot of hard times especially around the summer, I still shouldn’t have looked at the negatives with this year……….this year would’ve turned out a whole lot differently, had I looked at it differently.

Did I make a lot of mistakes!? yes, am I proud of them!? no I am not, but that doesn’t mean that I should only look at the things I did wrong, i’m not perfect, I always tried to be and the truth of the matter is i’m not and i’m not going to ever be…………..and that’s something that was always hard for me to come to terms with, because i’ve always had this perfectionist in me that felt that everything I did had to be perfect, that’s why for so many years, i’ve always did what everyone wanted me to do, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, I always wanted everyone to be happy…………but constantly wanting everyone to be happy, you find that you become unhappy in the process of that and that’s when you start breaking down.

This year……….I guess I finally broke down and I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up doing what came naturally to me and that was to shut down……..and that took me away from everything, some would say otherwise, but it was me who broke down, it was me who made myself the way I was…………and the weird part is…………I never once stopped to think that, I never once asked myself why I was the way I was, but you realize that sitting with yourself and being in your head 24/7 there’s a lot of things that you uncover about yourself and there was a lot of things that I uncovered about myself and I began to like myself less and less because of that, which made me become very hard on myself and i’ve always been hard on myself, but it was never to the point of where I was this year.

There’s a lot of different things I learned this year, I learned that blaming yourself for things all the time isn’t good, I learned that although you may want to change things and you wish that certain things would go back to how they use to be, they won’t and you can’t……….and yeah it’s real frustrating, but you can’t change the past, you can only work on trying to makes sure the next thing that you do doesn’t turn out the way it did before.

I learned that you can’t keep dwelling on what happened in the past, you’ll only keep yourself there by doing that and that’s not something you want. I learned that we’re not the only ones that have a hard time, there are worst things that happen and when we feel as though, we’re going through so much, we complain about it, it’s just a human thing, it’s okay to complain once in a while, but you also have to make sure that you know that, there are people who go through things a whole lot more than what we are going through, in the moments when we’re feeling at our lowest of lows, but know it’s also alright to have a few bad days yourself, just make sure you’re not having them all the time.

Those are a lot of lessons that I had and still need to keep in mind, but the main and big thing that I learned this year is, in order to move forward you have to let yourself move forward and not let fear keep you from putting in hard work to things, as much as we may want it to, life doesn’t come easy, but that still shouldn’t stop you from living life. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to know how everything is going to play out and how it’s going to be, whether you’ll do well and everything……….but when you find yourself doing that, you end up putting so much more stress and pressure on yourself for it, that it makes your brain think that it’s scary and that you’re unable to do it, which will make you freeze up and it’ll make you think that you’re not going to be good enough for it and you don’t want to ever do that.

You don’t want to let fear keep you from being happy and enjoying things, because you’re afraid that it’s not going to go well or that you’re going to mess everything up, you have to do your best to keep your mind away from those sorts of thoughts, because if you let it take over, you’ll never want to move and believe me that’s something you want to avoid doing. If there’s anything you should avoid, avoid holding yourself back and keeping yourself from where I kept myself all these years, i’ve been afraid my whole life and because I was afraid and scared I ended up not really trying as hard as I should’ve, keeping myself within four walls everywhere I went and trust me that’s not how you want to live, it gets boring after a while of it.

This coming from me and from someone who has kept herself to herself for a very long time, if you ever find yourself wanting to hold yourself back from something that you feel deeply for or just anything, DON’T unless you feel it to be super important, don’t hold yourself back, be happy and give things a try even if you end up not liking it, try, you’ll thank yourself so much for it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for it too.

This year has been full of lessons, emotions and a whooole lot of thinking, i’m a little nervous for this year i’ll be honest, although it’s just another year, it’s a year that I really need to make count and not be afraid of and that’s scary, but I know that by changing things around, i’ll feel better for it.

So……..what’s your reflection on 2018!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

First Journal…..

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Update: Hey everyone, hope you’re all well and enjoying the day just giving you a heads up, I wrote this post a few days ago, can’t remember when exactly, I think I wrote this Thursday or Wednesday, one of those days. In this post i’ll be sharing a small story on my very first journal and speaking about journals in general.

I don’t know exactly when I first started writing, I think I just randomly picked it up somehow, i’m not sure………I think the first thing I ever wrote was a random story I made up while playing with some dolls I had when I was younger, yeah I know. I would always make stuff up when playing with them, but there was this one day where something in me was like, “maybe you should write this down”, I think I had them pretend they were in a school play and I guess I wanted it to be real and so I remember writing the lines, well words that I was saying out loud in this notebook that I had.

I actually had to re-write the story in a really huge notebook because in the notebook I originally wrote it in, it started coming apart and the pencil was fading from it as well, so I had to switch it over. Now the story was the first thing I wrote, but not in a journal, the first journal that was given to me was from my mom, I guess she noticed I was starting to write a lot and so she bought a journal for me, it’s a red one and I actually still have it, when she gave it to me, she wrote a long note in it, which was nice.

I still have that note as well, however the page she wrote it on ripped from the journal, but I still kept it though as a nice memory. I got it when I was around 13, I think I was still in middle school when she gave it to me, I never had an actual personal journal before so I was a little excited when I got it, I ended up writing my songs in there.

I started writing songs around age 13 as well, I believe the first song I ever wrote was a song called Don’t Let Me Go, I don’t remember the lyrics to it, but I still have the song so I can just look back at it……..I use to write a whole lot of songs, at the time of course you think they make sense and then you look back at them when you’re older and you realize they didn’t or you feel they weren’t as good as you thought they were when you wrote it originally.

Anytime I find myself down memory land, looking back at all those songs, some of them are surprising to me and some of them are like “What was I thinking when I wrote this” not all of them are like that though, there’s a good amount of them that I actually still like lyric wise, but if there’s certain lyrics I don’t like or i’m not sure about, then I think to myself “I might change that later” but some are okay, the other ones I keep away if I don’t like them completely.

Ever since I got my first actual journal, I just started becoming obsessed with journals all together, I think it’s because in my opinion, journals are like this precious thing to you once you are either given one or you get one and because you know it’s yours, it becomes very personal to you to where you never want it out of your sight, plus there’s just something about owning a journal. You can write about anything you want when having a journal, you don’t have to give it a specific personality, you could just go to town with it, it gives you this sense of comfort, stability, connection and it lets you choose what it is you want it to be.

You know what I love!? I love when you see a journal or when you’re holding a journal and right away you know exactly what you’re going to put in it, that feeling and sense of knowing is one of my favorite things. You do however, have some journals where you don’t know what to fill in it, some are easy to decide and others are a little harder, I have a lot of journals and a lot of them i’ve already figured out what their gonna be and then I have some where I still think what I want them to say, my point is I just love journals!!

They let you express yourself in ways that are endless and you have the choice and power to give them a voice of love and light or maybe you want them to say words that you feel you can’t or don’t want to say out loud. It’s crazy because we all know that ever since technology came into our lives, we only ever use that, when we’re feeling something or we need to write something down we don’t think of grabbing a journal or a piece of paper, we just add it to our notes in our phones or deal with it, which is fine, but I always feel having a little journal or a notebook of some sort, can come in handy for when you’re unable to use your phone or computer.

This probably went off track a whole lot, but thinking about how I even got into writing (even though i’m not sure what made me want to start writing) and also where I started with my very first journal, I think that’s why I love and appreciate them so much, it gave me this voice that I didn’t really know I had and it let me also express myself in a whole lot of different ways, not just with my thoughts, it let me express myself with lyrics, ideas, stories, dreams, even reviews for a good while.

I owe a lot to writing and journals, they really became a huge part of my life, which you wouldn’t think that something so……..simple we’ll say, would really be that big to you, but it is, well for some it is, which is a little crazy to think, but also not as well you know!? I know writing and journals aren’t for everyone and that’s alright, but I still think they’re great. Last thing, you know what I realize!? when you’re saying things out loud not a lot of people listen or take notice as much, unless you’re one of those people who, when you walk into a room everyone has their attention on you, like you make them listen, you know what I mean!?

For those who keep to themselves though and don’t have that confidence to approach people or things that way, to have something like journals or anything creative where everything they want to say out loud, but just aren’t able to, they can just put it into something else like their art or writing and you don’t know it because they do it in a way that, if you want to figure out what they’re trying to say, you have to either read it, listen to it or look at it very closely, for you to be able to speak their language and understand their mind and feelings, which I think is very fascinating.

Do you or have you ever owned a journal and if so, what was your first ever journal and what kind of stuff did you write in it!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Friday…..

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Update: I wrote this post 2 days ago as you can probably tell, but I wanted to keep it how I originally wrote it, so here are my thoughts and feelings from Friday.

I just realized that we have 3 more days left until this year switches from being 2018 to 2019……….i’d say that’s insane, but is it really!? Based off my expression that you’re unable to see, yeah it’s insane!!! This year really went by like nothing, I can’t believe this is the last Friday of the year and that December is close to being over………i’ll be honest with you I might be freaking out to myself a bit, i’m trying to stay calm about it though, i’m not exactly sure why i’m freaking out though, I really shouldn’t be, but I am.

I guess if I have to do some reflection on this year I might as well do it now, this year has brought some good and also some bad moments that I wasn’t expecting……….i’ve gone through a whole lot of emotions more this year than any other year before, I made a few mistakes, i’ve thought a lot and when I say a lot I mean A LOT……………i’ve been thinking about my future more than ever this year and what I would like for it to be like, you’d think i’d know, but i’m still not exactly sure, there are things that I want to stay in my life and there are things that I know i’m needing to desperately change.

Am I frightened about this upcoming year!?…………Yeah, I am………I don’t know what to expect and what’s gonna come from it and that’s kinda what scares me the most, it shouldn’t, but it does……….i’m hoping to really have a lot of courage and surprises coming from myself this year…………i’ve been holding on to my comfort zone for so many years now, i’m not really sure how to let go of it……..it’s very scary for me, because it’s all i’ve ever known, but I know that if I want to live a better and happier life, me keeping myself to myself and in my room 24/7 that’s not gonna make me happy, that’s just gonna keep me more closed in myself and I can’t keep doing that, it’s not healthy and I know that even though i’m really scared, I have to move on.

I have to stop being afraid and I have to let myself embrace things that i’m unsure about, if I continue to let fear keep me from moving forward, i’ll never be happy and I want to be happy and if being scared, but trying my best to move forward and not stop myself like i’ve been doing is the only way that’s gonna happen then I have to let myself be scared………and that’s something i’ve always tried to avoid, but I can’t keep avoiding it, I have to learn to face it and even if I hesitate, I can’t let those hesitations stop me unless I feel it’s really really important………..I don’t know what 2019 is going to bring and what it’s gonna be like, but i’m really really hoping that I can make this year a surprising one for myself and not let my fears interfere.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Understanding…..

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Do you ever feel as if your not understanding things as much as you think you are!? Things will happen and be said to you, but you feel as if you’re still lost in a sense, like everything is a lot more harder to comprehend then they feel……….i’m not sure how to explain that part if it’s a little hard to get. Everything just seems to have it’s own language and you try and keep up with it all, yet you still feel like you’re not getting it in the way you should……….it should be easy to get it, yet it’s not always the case, understanding something is a lot harder than what most people would think it is, there are certain things we’re able to pick up quickly and then you have other things that are like why can’t we get it right away!?

However I feel the only reason certain things are harder to get then others is because we have a hard to time breaking things down in order to make it easier for ourselves to understand, certain things are a whole lot simpler than what we keep telling ourselves, sometimes we’ll end up shaking our own head at ourselves because although we know this, we can’t find ourselves to really understand that. Now certain things are easy to understand if we let ourselves get it, but there are other things that are a little more complex to get and with those things, even though we want to get it right away, sometimes we need to give ourselves time to get them.

If we pressure ourselves to understand something or if we pressure others to understand something, we’re only gonna make it a lot harder by trying to get it and trying to get others to get it, when we know that we’re only making it worst. In a stressful situation you have to learn to stay calm and you have to learn to give yourself and others time to understand things better, because there will be times where we come across something, but we aren’t sure how to comprehend it right away, but when that happens, we need to keep in mind that kicking ourselves down and being hard on ourselves for not understanding, isn’t going to make us understand it quicker.

Unless your someone who thrives under pressure very well, don’t beat yourself up for not understanding, even the people who are good under pressure, still learn that they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves too much as well. It’s okay to be hard on yourself sometimes, but we have to keep in mind that sometimes we need to give ourselves a break so we can calmly figure the thing we aren’t getting out right then and there without all the pressure, there’s only so much pressure we can take in before we need to just step back and regroup everything that is being put in our faces to get. When you give yourself that clear mind and that sense of calmness that you need, everything that surrounds you and is on top of you, will become just a little bit easier to deal with and you’ll find that the understanding of it also becomes a little bit clearer to you, it may not be a whole lot, but it will be a bit easier then what it was before, telling yourself to take it easy helps too.

When you become aware that you’re under a lot of pressure and you know that you’re not getting things as quickly as everyone else might be, feeling like you won’t ever catch up or that you’re not gonna ever get it, that’s not something you should put in your mind, because then your mind will believe it and then that’ll cause you to stress out more and you don’t want that, you have to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you may not be getting it now and you may feel as if you’re not understanding or you won’t understand it, but don’t be so hard on yourself, just breathe and stay calm, you’ll get it, just give yourself the time to get it……….the more you force yourself to try and get it the more you’ll make it harder for you to get it.

Lastly, sometimes when you think you’re not getting it, you actually are getting it, you’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t, when deep down you do or you know it a bit more than you think you do. Don’t underestimate yourself like that, when you do that you tell yourself each time, that you’re not capable and you doing that causes you to not believe in yourself and the abilities that you have, if you don’t get it right away you don’t get it right away, it’s okay that’s not a bad thing, but don’t second guess yourself on the things you already know, don’t think, just go with the feeling.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

SongBird

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Little song bird, for some reason you keep finding your way to me, it’s like even when you’re not around, you still know where I am, I don’t know how exactly, but I never can get away from you, I could go somewhere where I think you would never dream of going, but you’ll always end up finding me someway. I shouldn’t be surprised, considering you don’t really tend to leave, you go away, but you always come back……..You went away from me for a very long while though, i’m not exactly sure why, but it’s been a long time since we spoke, there’s been so much that I want to catch you up on.

I thought you had gone away from me for good and then out of nowhere, you started showing up again, you always do tend to come around randomly, it’s always when I least expect it, but I guess that’s your way of making it work…………I remember when we first met, you were always around me, you didn’t ever leave my side and if you did it was only for a short period………..but one day you started going for longer periods of time and then those times became longer than the last………..

I would get so frustrated because you weren’t around, I would sit just looking at the paper or journal in front of me not being able to come up with anything and if I did, it was only a few lines and when I didn’t finish those, I just kinda ended up forgetting them after a while, I always kept them though, but I wouldn’t really look back on them that much, only on occasions. I guess I would give up in a sense, thinking that you wouldn’t come around anymore…………..I went a long time without you by my side.

The stuff that we created though, only a few have seen them, I was always so shy and nervous to share them, so I would only show them to certain people, I still get a little nervous with them now…………Thanks for showing up and being there from when we first met to now and thanks for not leaving completely. I don’t know why, but I always get so happy when i’m writing with you again, we’ve come up with some really good and surprising things, I write, but never really know where it all comes from, but I guess that’s the best part of it right!?

When you’re not thinking and you’re just getting lost in the writing process of things, sometimes you don’t even know how much you’re actually writing until you’ve actually stop writing or you don’t know what you’ve come up with until you actually step back and look at it properly. Those kind of moments I would say are the best kind of feelings, because you’re not thinking of anything, you’re just creating, even though you have to think to create, but it’s not full of messes, frustration yes, but no messes or anything, unless you’re a painter then yeah there’s gonna be a lot of messes, at least it’s good though, thank you though song bird, thank you for everything.

I know that I haven’t really took a chance or advantage of what you’ve brought to me and i’m sorry about that, all of our creations we’re always so personal to me that I didn’t know how to share it and if I thought about sharing it, I would get really scared…………I still get scared, i’m always scared you could say and now i’m trying to figure out how to be less scared, beside you giving me something to create and work on, I also had other things that were creative as well, I took a chance on them for a good while, but then I got scared again and I left them to collect dust which I know I shouldn’t have done………..I don’t know why i’m afraid to create, I enjoy it and it’s always been apart of me, it’s just the sharing part that I have trouble with at times.

I always over think on things which doesn’t do me any good because then it keeps me more afraid and less expressive, I really don’t want to be afraid anymore, I just want to have that thing in me where I don’t have to think twice on everything, it’s just natural………..i’m hoping that I surprise myself where I don’t have to keep writing about being afraid, I can just breathe.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

This Brain Of Mine….

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Oh brain, why do you overthink so much!? Why are you always playing things over and over in my head when you know that’s where my focus is going to be!? Why do you find the need to leave me in all these thoughts that race back and fourth in this mind of ours!? You know exactly what you’re doing, you know that if you give me things to think about, that i’m not gonna stop thinking about them until I figure out what it is you want me to know and what it is you’re trying to tell me, are you even trying to tell me anything or are you just trying to distract me from things!?

I don’t know why you’re so easy to get so consumed in, a lot of the time you don’t give me the best advice, you just give me so many options to so many things that it’s hard to choose from them all. You may give me a few ideas here and there, but once we act on it, you try and convince me that it wasn’t a good idea after all, even when the feeling of it tells you otherwise…….Why do you worry so much, why do you make me feel as though everything I go to do won’t be good enough before we even get started completely!? Why is it always why with you and what if’s and all the uncertainties!? Why do I always let you win with every battle I fight with you!? I don’t know why, I don’t even know why i’m asking myself why, I should already know right!?

I just keep listening to you even when I know I shouldn’t, all these years where I could’ve been doing all these different things and I let you get in the way of my successes……….I listened to you when you told me I shouldn’t do things that I was thinking about doing, you brought fear into my head and you let fear give me limits to what I could do, you made me give limits to myself and then I became my own fear, I became this person who was afraid of everything………..You make things so much more difficult then I know they really are, I try to tell myself that it’s not as hard as it may seem, but you keep telling me otherwise, you keep wanting me to stay this way and then I end up feeling really bad about it and when I sat and blamed everyone else……….it turned out to be that the real issue was me.

I did it, I let you win, every time I tried or wanted to fight back, somehow you were always stronger than me and that’s because I didn’t fight back hard enough, i’m trying to fight back now against you and I struggle to because of much I let you control and take over………..I don’t want you to take over anymore. I want to overcome all these fears you put in front of me to keep me in your grasps, I don’t want you to keep telling me something is a bad idea even when you’re the one giving me the ideas, I don’t want you making me worry about every little thing anymore, I don’t want the what if’s or the maybe you shouldn’t’s or anything that makes me question things that might actually be something I might and could enjoy.

I want to push past you and surprise myself on things that I thought I could never be good at, even if I do struggle and you keep coming around to put more and more fears in my face, I want to be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how many times I fall, even if I hesitate, I don’t want those hesitations to keep me from stopping or looking back and falling back in line for you. I let you convince me for too long that I should be scared and that I shouldn’t try or that I should just give up and I don’t want you ever to stop me again from reaching my potential, I don’t want you to be in charge any longer, i’m gonna do my hardest and the best that I can to make sure you don’t make me hold myself back again.

Things may be scary and we could possibly get hurt, but in life sometimes you have to fall so hard to the ground that it makes you really look at yourself and decide on whether you want to give up or if you want to keep going and I want to keep going, I need to keep going, I know what i’m capable of, I may not be the quickest at doing things and I may take a lot of time with it, but I know that i’m capable. I know that if I just put my mind and everything in me to it, I can do it, but I don’t want you trying to convince me otherwise, I know the fear in me is strong right now and I know that it’s gonna take everything I have to gain the amount of courage that I need in order to break away from all this fear inside me.

I know that I can do it though, I know that i’m stronger than I make myself believe and I know that everything has to come from me, I try and help everyone else with the advice I give, but I know that I need to start taking it in myself. My mind is me, but i’m not my mind, I am stronger than it, I can beat this even when sometimes I don’t feel like I can. It’s not impossible, no more trying to be or do things perfectly, no one is perfect, we’re all perfectly imperfect, we all make mistakes and mess up and give ourselves a hard time and that’s okay, it’s okay to not have everything figured out, it’s okay that we’re not always happy, we’re gonna struggle and it’s gonna be hard, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to get through it.

Brain I hope you’re listening to me, I need you to listen to me, please stop making things so much more complicated then they actually are and stop being afraid, it’s okay to be scared, but stop being afraid to where it makes me stop and overthink things and over analyze everything, there’s no need to overanalyze, try and make thing a lot more simpler, you might thank me for it later.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Dec 25, 2018

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Merry Christmas Everyone and Happy Holidays to those who don’t really celebrate Christmas, I hope that you all are enjoying the holidays and enjoying your time with family and friends or whoever you’re celebrating the day with. I’m not really doing much for the holidays, i’ve just been home mainly, i’ve talked about this before where I said whenever the holidays come around we don’t really do much, for us (my family) the holidays are just regular days, we don’t do anything special as i’m sure a lot of you might.

The last time we did have everyone together during Christmas was a very long time, I don’t remember the actual year, but it was a good while, the only thing I remember about it was that my friend and his cousin spent it with me, but we haven’t really had a big gathering since then though………it’s crazy to think that the older you get the less important the holidays seems……….we all know that Christmas is mainly for the kids, kids make the holidays, especially Christmas, without them we wouldn’t really be into the holidays as much.

Do any of you have holidays memories!? I don’t really have a lot of holiday memories and if I do they’re very few ones………..I remember one time where I walked into my moms room of an old house I use to live in and I think I was looking for something in the closet of the room, but i’m not sure, but I remember looking up and seeing presents in the top shelf of the closet, but I pretended that I didn’t see them though, that was one memory.

Another memory was the last time all of my family were together for Christmas, one of the presents that I got from one of my aunts was a picture frame, not kidding, not sure why she thought i’d want the frame, but she gave it to me and ironically I still have it and it’s in use, still it’s a bit of a weird gift to give someone, but hey made use out of it, so I guess it wasn’t a bad gift. I actually don’t think i’ve ever received a bad gift before, anything I use to get, I would keep it for a long period of time, unless I decided I didn’t want it anymore then i’d give it away or something.

The last few Christmas’s that we’ve had, my friends would come over and they stay for the weekend and we’d all play video games and just hang out in my house and just enjoy each other’s company, that was fun, I miss those days. I don’t really have any other memories to share with Christmas, today like I said earlier we didn’t really do much, I did speak a bit with my boyfriend and his family in the morning so that’s kinda like a nice memory, even though I wasn’t actually there with them, but still I got to speak with them a bit and see them and what they got for Christmas which was very nice, after that I did a bit of cleaning in my room while listening to some music, watched some videos and did some writing, nothing too big, but i’d say that it wasn’t a bad day at all, it was actually quite nice.

Let me know in the comments how you celebrated Christmas and if you have any Christmas or other holiday memories feel free to share it if you like, i’d love to hear about them.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Mistakes….

On By Daydreamer LexIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

We all make them, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t would we!? They say that mistakes are apart of our lives journey, which you can’t really disagree with I guess……..although we shouldn’t give ourselves so much pressure for the mistakes that we make or made, we always do even when they’re old mistakes. Now you would think that it’d be easy to let go of old mistakes and if you thought that, well you would be a little wrong there, because it’s not always easy especially when they’re past mistakes and they’re ones that we have a hard time letting ourselves escape from, as we all know, a lot of us don’t really know how to let go of old things.

Even though we may try………we’re not really good at letting go of the past even when we know we should………I guess it also depends on the kind of person you are as well on whether you’ll able to let go of past things or not. I don’t even know why it is we feel the need to hold on to things that only do us more harm then good, that’s why a lot of us tend to be unhappy and stressed out all the time because we are always focusing on the old things and things from the past, to all the mistakes that we’ve ever made.

We do it all the time, if we didn’t like something we did or that happened, we always think of different things or scenarios that could’ve possibly turned out better than what originally took place, thinking that it’ll change something and the reality of it is, it won’t, it’s not gonna change, no matter how much you want it to change and go back to what it use to be like, it’s not and it’s like we know that, yet we can’t get that into our brains at the same time……….the mistakes that we make or the things that happen, we can’t change them and a lot of us try so hard to fix things that we know are unfixable which then leaves us disappointed, because no matter what we do, we know deep down it’s not gonna be the same as it once was.

At the same time………we can’t say that we don’t know that, we do know it, we just always have that thing in us that wonders on a different outcome to a situation or thing instead of the outcome that we’ve got, no matter how hard we may try and how much we may want it, we can’t change something once it’s happened……….so what can you do!? Well as much as i’d like to say just let it go, I also know that it’s not easy to just let things go like that, we’ll always have those emotions that came with the situation or thing that happened, we’ll always go back and think about all these different scenarios and outcomes that we would’ve liked to happened.

Even knowing that though, I know holding on to past events isn’t any better either, no matter what you choose though, it’s gonna be extremely hard either way………………We always feel as though because we made the mistakes that we made, we make ourselves think we need to continue suffering those mistakes even if they were in the past and we need to realize that, we don’t have to do that, we don’t need to feel as though, because we did the things we did and looking at the way it made everything turn out because of it, it doesn’t mean we have to keep tearing ourselves down for it………..what i’m trying to say is, we all make mistakes and we’re going to continue to make mistakes……..and although it’s hard to move ahead and it’s a lot easy to go back blaming ourselves for all the things that happened in the past and everything.

We gotta try and move on from it and know that it’s okay to fall and have a few downs, it’s okay to mess up and make mistakes, like I said before mistakes are apart of our lives journey, they aren’t always the best and sometimes our mistakes can make a mess of things more than what we’d like them to, but mistakes happen and we’re not always gonna be able to change them, but one thing we can do is learn from them and try and change certain things within ourselves as best as we can, we’re not perfect we’re just human and sometimes we hit a wall and that’s okay.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Music Album Review: Paramore’s After Laughter Album (Dec 19, 2018)

On By Daydreamer LexIn Music Album Reviews, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Originally Written Dec 17

Hey there everyone, okay so i’m not sure how long this is gonna be, it might be very long, but it might not be at the same time, we’ll just see as we go along. I hope you guys are all doing well, today I wanted to discuss and review an album, i’ve never reviewed an album before, only certain songs, but I thought i’d give it a try and just see how I do with it, today we’re gonna be discussing Paramore and their latest album After Laughter. Now for those who don’t know Paramore well they’re a band of course, their genre of music goes from: Alternative rock, Pop punk, Pop rock ect….

Obviously when you’re a band or an artist, you tend to want to change your sound if you’re feeling you want to mix it up a bit, instead of always sticking to the same one, now before we talk Paramore’s latest album, I just want to kinda do a little backstory on them just so you can learn more about them, so without further ado, let’s talk a bit about Paramore: Paramore’s first debut album was All We Know Is Falling which came out back in 2005 and featured songs like Pressure, Emergency and Conspiracy, now i’ve heard Pressure and I believe i’ve heard Emergency not sure on Conspiracy, but at the same time I feel I might’ve heard it once or something i’m not sure.

Their 2nd album Riot! came out in 2007 one of the famous songs from that album is the good ole’ classic Misery Business, as well as other songs like CrushCrushCrush, That’s What You Get and one of my favorites When It Rains. Now even though Paramore had made two albums and all these lovely songs, it wasn’t until their breakout hit Decode to where they started to become well known and very popular. Decode featured on a popular hit movie that i’m sure all of you are aware of and if you’re not then don’t worry it’s okay, you’re not really missing much in my opinion, but the song appeared and was one of the featured tracks off the famous movie Twilight.

Everyone (mainly teen girls) loved Twilight, if you haven’t heard of it again don’t worry about it, but if you have, you know what i’m talking about here, there was even teams made from that movie, not kidding!! Twilight came out in 2008, it’s about this sparkling vampire guy named Edward, a teen girl, I think her name is Bella and a werwolf name Jacob, there’s more to the movie of course, but i’m not gonna go into it because this is about Paramore, I just thought since I brought up Twilight, might as well give you a brief description on it.

As I said before Decode was one of the featured songs off there and was actually very popular too, I remember coming across that song because the music video was on and also because it was one of those songs that was just everywhere, no matter where you went, you would be sure to hear that song. I can’t remember exactly, but I believe I wasn’t too fond of the song at first and i’ll be honest I think I might’ve judged it quickly because of the fact that I didn’t like Twilight (still don’t really like Twilight) I do however like the song decode now though. Decode also appeared on Paramore’s 3rd album I believe, Brand New Eyes, along with the songs Ignorance, Playing God and Brick By Boring Brick making it’s debut in 2009. They have more albums, but those are just a few of them that I wanted to talk about, but let’s get on to their new/latest album After Laughter and talk about the songs.

These are the songs off the album with small descriptions to them, all the songs are about Hayley Williams and her bands personal life:

1. Hard Times– Is pretty self explanatory, it’s all on Hard times and how even though we have them we don’t ever hit rock bottom (that’s an actual line in the song)

2. Rose-Colored Boy– This one is a little hard, but I think it has to do with someone who’s always so optimistic, while everyone else isn’t.

3. Told You So– This ones all about having those people who love to look for and call you out on your mistakes and love the whole Told you so line that Hayley sings about in the song.

4. Forgiveness– Is on the personal side of town, Hayley sings about not being able to forgive someone that hurt her really badly.

5. Fake Happy– Is a very clear song about pretending you’re happy when you’re not, but also knowing that you’re not the only one feeling that way.

6. 26– Is about keeping hold of what’s left of your hope and happiness the older you get, so this is one of her reflective songs.

7. Pool– Is metaphoric dark love song, you’ll have to hear it to understand it

8. Grudges– Pretty self explanatory, it’s all about letting go of grudges that we hold against someone.

9. Caught In The Middle-Is what I would probably say to be a reflection songs on Hayley early days in Paramore as well as her life in general.

10. Idle Worship-Is a song to all of her fans where she expresses that she shouldn’t be looked at as an idol.

11. No Friend– Is a letter she wrote to her fans, but it’s not sung, it’s spoken and she doesn’t speak the words, but a friend of hers does and it’s pretty interesting, different, but I like it.

12. Tell Me Now– Is…….i’m actually gonna let this one speak for itself, so give it a listen if you’re curious.

Now a lot of people complain about Paramore’s new sound and everything, but in all honesty I like their new sound, it’s different, but good different in my opinion. I think what it is that people don’t like about Paramore sound is the fact that’s it’s all poppy sounding now and I get having a favorite artist or band and knowing them from when they first started and being so used to the music they use to make, we all would love to have our favorites stay with the same thing, but at the same time if they feel they need to grow and want to experiment with other sounds then who are we to say they can’t.

These artists and bands make music not for us mainly, they write their songs from personal experiences that they share with us and maybe it’s different to how they use to do it, but if they decide they want a different sound then they have every right to change it up, I mean it is their music, we aren’t in any position to demand they stick with the new sound or old sound at all. If we really love that said band or artist we will grow with them and their music without hesitation, plus I always feel that sometimes it’s good to change it up as well as giving things a chance before judging it right off the bat……..I like their new sound, but that’s because I like Paramore and again if they felt in their hearts they needed to change something with their music then you gotta trust and embrace them on their sound, even if you may not like it.

Also if you think that these songs are just pop songs really listen to the lyrics, just because a song is upbeat doesn’t mean that the lyrics don’t have a deeper meaning to them, this whole album is upbeat with the exception of 26, Tell Me Now & Forgiveness (theses are the songs I consider to be not so poppy, but still great songs) The lyrics hidden behind the poppy dance music are actually very deep and dark when you really listen to it.

It’s all about reading between the lines, with this album and I love it, i’ve become very obsessed with this album and I just heard it the other day, some of my favorites are: Fake Happy, 26, Hard Times, Tell Me Now, Rose Colored Boy & Caught In The Middle, these are the songs i’m constantly playing over and over, although I love the whole album in general, it’s great, but Paramore has always been great, even with the sound change they’re still an awesome band, but that’s just my opinion.

Let me know your thoughts on After Laughter, have you heard it and if so what are your favorite tracks from it!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Music Song Review/Song Interpretation: She Used To Be Mine By Sara Bareilles (Inspired Post) (Dec 14, 2018)

On By Daydreamer LexIn Music Song Reviews, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Originally Written Dec 9, 2018

Hey there everyone, hope you’re all doing well, today I want to talk music and the artist and song that i’d like to talk about today is Sara Bareilles and her song She Used To Be Mine. Just to give you guys a heads up, I actually wrote this post a couple of days ago, but didn’t really get around to finishing it, until now. I had the song in my head for two days and so I thought, let’s talk on it and while we’re at it, let’s see if we’re able to interpret the song as well.

So to kinda introduce Sara Bareilles a bit, just in case you aren’t completely sure on who she is, Sara is a musician well a singer/songwriter, you might have heard a few of her songs before, she had this one song that was pretty popular back in the early 2000’s called Love Song. I think that was actually her breakout hit, but i’m not sure, so don’t quote me on it. You might’ve also heard Brave which is another popular song from her, i’m sure there’s a lot of songs that are very well known, but for those of you who have heard the songs or they sound familiar to you, well she’s the one who sings them, in case you didn’t know.

She’s also an actress, but is known for musicals mainly, i’m not sure if she’s been in movies or anything, but I know that she has starred in a couple of Broadway musicals before. You might be aware of one, the most recent musical that she’s been in is called Waitress, I think she’s a writer to that musical, I don’t think to the play, but I believe she wrote a few songs for it.

She of course has her own music, I have two of her albums…….well one is her album and the other one is the soundtrack to the musical Waitress, the album that I have is called The Blessed Unrest which came out in 2013, you can find the song Brave on that one and as for the other song that I mentioned before, Love Song can be found on her album Little Things which came out in 2007, there’s a whole lot of other albums and songs that she has, but those are the two that I thought i’d talk on a bit since those are the two songs that most people might know from her.

Moving on though to the song that inspired me to write this post, now if you didn’t know or maybe you did, the song Used To Be Mine comes from the musical Waitress……..now i’ve never watched Waitress, but i’ve been wanting to watch it ever since I heard Sara Bareilles was gonna be apart of it, but it would only be for a short time and every time I would think of checking it out……I would always miss her, but I found out a few days ago that she’s coming back for a few more shows next month and will only be there until February, so I still have a chance to go see the musical and see her as well in it, I heard that it’s very good, so I really want to check it out.

Let’s go on with the song shall we!? Used To Be Mine is one of my favorite songs from Sara Bareilles, it’s a very beautiful song, when you hear it, it just grabs you and pulls you in, at least that’s what it does to me when I hear it. The lyrics are very deep and let’s not even forget the piano that brings it all together as well as the other instruments with it………..I can’t even describe it, it’s just amazing, we’ll just say that!! The song is just great as a whole and Sara’s voice with it, just brings the song to life in a way that……..is just hard to explain, it’s like………I don’t know how to describe it, all I can say is, you really feel the song and the emotion that she brings to it, if you haven’t heard the song, listen to it, really listen to it, you’ll know what I mean when you do.

Now I know that everyone will most likely interpret this song in many different ways, which is expected when listening to a song, even if the artist themselves tell you exactly what the song means, you’ll always have your own meanings for it. When I first heard this song, i’m sure it got to me, I can’t really remember my actual reaction of it, but every time I hear it now, the lyrics, reading it and the song in general, gives you that feeling of woah because you connect with it right away and for a lot of people like myself it’s relatable.  

Here are some of the lyrics to the song: 

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

I was originally gonna break down the lyrics to this song, but I decided instead I want to let it speak for itself, looking at these lyrics, there isn’t any other way to interpret them. I tried to break these lyrics down and I was having trouble doing so and that’s why I would rather the lyrics do the speaking then me try and break them down and my words end up all over the place you know!? That being said, my interpretation on this song, my meaning for it, is completely, different to it’s actual meaning. It might be the same, but it’s also very different………..In the song she’s pretty much reflecting on the way her life is and looking back on who she once was, compared to who she is now……..from the lyrics you can see that the reflection that she’s expressing, she isn’t all too fond of the way things are going, but also from a different angle you can also see the emotions that she’s feeling, is more on the scared side of town and being confused and just overall thinking about everything that has happened.

In the chorus you can see that she is aware of all the flaws that she carries with her from being imperfect, to saying that, although she says that she’s good, she isn’t truthful about her actual feelings, she’s her own worst enemy when it comes to wanting to get things right and even though she knows that she needs help and is broken inside, she won’t let people know that, because to her it’s being vulnerable and she’d rather pretend that she’s fine then have people see that she’s hurting and unhappy, so that’s the first part and chorus (Hook, to be more technical) of the song.

Here’s more of the lyrics from the song:

It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine

So this part of the song, i’m not even gonna break it down or interpret it, at least not all of them, certain parts I will, but only to interpret what I originally thought it was about. As you can see there’s a lot more emotion put into this part and you can probably figure out what it’s about or maybe you already know because you’ve heard the song already, but i’m not gonna tell you what the actual meaning to this song is, because I want to see if you’re able to figure it out if you don’t know what the actual  meaning to it is.

This part of the song always makes me want to get emotional, in this part of the song, it picks up and becomes a lot more intense to where you really feel it, you don’t even have to listen to it to feel it, just reading these lyrics, if you’re like me and love finding out the meaning to songs and pretty much everything else, you feel it……….not just the song, but you feel for the writer of the song as well, because they went out of their way to write this powerful, emotional and touching song that just leaves you speechless, they didn’t have to write any of it, but they did because although it was extremely personal, they still felt they needed to share it, which is incredible. 

Now here’s the part where I tell you my interpretation on the song, well certain parts of the song that is and what I thought it mean’t. In the second verse, if you look at the lyrics……..there’s a part in it where she talks about, the way life does things and how it presents you with something or someone in this case, pretty much throwing you off which is why she says to herself that if she could, she’d go back and change a couple of things and have it play out a different way to how it turned out to be.

In that whole part, you can kinda pick up that she’s self reflecting, whenever she sees and feels that she’s different and is completely disconnected from her old self in a way. She sees this new version of her and is having a hard time relating and embracing it in a way, which is why she sings the lines “You’re not what I asked for, if i’m honest, I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two, for the girl that I knew” Those lines right there, are one of the lines I relate to and i’m sure a lot of you do too if you know the song. 

I’ve changed a lot this year and I can’t tell whether it’s good or not, for me it’s half and half, but I know that a lot of us go through a change that we weren’t really expecting and sometimes we change and become a whole new person, which we know means that we’re growing and coming into our own in a way, but sometimes it’s hard because when you’ve been a certain way for so long and something or even a few things start to change with you or about you, it’s like you’re meeting and seeing this whole new person, but you aren’t exactly sure how you feel about it.

Being someone you don’t recognize, when you thought, you knew the kind of person you were, automatically you’re gonna want to go back and change a few things, but you know that you can’t, so it’s like you’re completely stuck with this new version of you that you really didn’t ask for and even though, you try to get back somehow, you feel deep down somewhere that, no matter how hard you try, you’re not gonna get  that version of you back, at least not in the same way you always had her or him.  

The last part of the song that I want to talk about is the part where she sings: “She’ll get stuck and be scared of the life that’s inside her, growing stronger each day, til it finally reminds her, to fight just a little and bring back the fire in her eyes, that’s been gone, but used to be mine” Now this part always gives me goosebumps and sometimes leaves me emotional, because I relate to it so much for a reason that is hard to explain, I love that line, it’s one of my favorites in the song, it’s just one of those lines that speak to you on a deeper level and that’s why I love this song so much, because there’s certain parts in it that I feel and connect with emotionally.

The actual meaning to it, knowing it now, when you hear it, it makes sense and you won’t be able to see it as anything else as much once you know the actual meaning, but for me when I first heard it, I interpreted it in a completely different way to how it is originally, the meaning I took from that part is a very personal one, but overall I looked at the song as her singing about self reflection as well as self discovery.

It’s amazing how you can listen to a song and even when you find out the actual meaning to that song, we still create our own interpretation for it. I can see why a lot of artist when you ask them what’s the meaning to a song that they’ve written, a lot of the time they won’t say because 1. they know even when they tell us the meaning, they know that we’ll just come up with our own and 2. sometimes their songs don’t really have a deep meaning behind it, sometimes the song just comes to them without having a specific backstory on it and if there is one, it’s just a random one.

That’s why a lot of them just say they’ll leave it up for interpretation so they won’t have to give it away or sometimes it’s just too personal that they would rather have people come up with their own meaning then have it be explained. So that is all I have for this post, let me know in the comments below, what your thoughts are on this song, have you heard it and if you have, feel free to share your interpretations on it. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Lyrics Source: https://genius.com/Sara-bareilles-she-used-to-be-mine-lyrics