Month: September 2019

From Me To You…..I Hope You Read This….

On By Daydreamer LexIn Entries, Uncategorized2 Comments

I’m writing a message right now to you, but i’m not sure whether to send it or not, i’m afraid if I send it, you’re going to ignore it and not bother looking at it and i’ll just feel like i’m talking to myself…….

I know you’re not really wanting to speak and you’re figuring everything out, although I feel you might’ve already figured what you wanted to out. I see and hear your messages loud and clear believe it or not, if only you knew how hard I try to keep myself together everyday, it’s a challenge, I don’t always win at it, but I manage to keep it at a fine level for a good amount of time……it sucks that it’s this way and I just wanted to let you know that the last message I sent wasn’t to be taken in a way that was final,

I was just giving you the space you wanted and I don’t know if that was a good thing or if it was the worst idea possible, I know you’re doing fine, I can see it. I feel like the worst person ever and that’s the honest truth, I wasn’t trying to push you away, even though you said many times that the situation would do that and although you say it’s not me, I feel like you sorta might think it is a little, I don’t know……..

I know i’ve not given back what you gave me enough and I know you’re probably hurt about it, because it’s pretty much the same situation again that you wanted to avoid…….I tried to have you avoid that, but I guess I failed at doing so, I shouldn’t, but I take great pride at blaming myself for all of this happening and I don’t expect, nor do I want you to feel bad, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel and how I have been feeling for a long time,

I wanted to talk to you about it, but I never could say that to you, because you will always just tell me that it’s not my fault and that you know I wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t change the fact that in a way, I will always feel as though you’ll think of it as it happened again and that’s why you went away from me……I can’t help, but apologize for it, I don’t know where we’re standing right now, but I feel as though I might already know.

I always saw you as my best friend as well, but I don’t even know if you still want to be that, I feel you’re mad at me and I hate it when you’re mad at me, sometimes i’m mad at you, there’s times where I was mad at you, but didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. I know the situation is the reason for all this as well as other things, I tried very hard to fix that…..

No one listens as you know, this here isn’t about me, it’s about you and what you’re feeling, I hate not knowing how you’re feeling, i’ve asked before, but I get you don’t like repeating yourself and you shouldn’t have to, but I learned keeping things in is the worst thing you can do, but I guess maybe you felt as though telling me things didn’t matter. Like your feelings didn’t matter, which they always did to me……I don’t know if you resent me, it feels like you do, believe it or not I can feel your anger and disappoint and i’m sorry, you were the last person I ever wanted to do that to.

You know the last thing I wanted was to ever hurt you, but yet that’s what I did, i’m still trying to find a way to fix it somehow even though I know you’re most likely done, I guess sometimes you just stop caring. I wish I could that….but I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t…..maybe that’s why people walk all over me, because I care too goddamn much, but i’d be lying if I said I’d stop caring. Even when people don’t want to be bothered,

I still care, most of the time I can just forget and move on, but I can’t in this case, I can’t just forget and act unbothered, because I am bothered, I can forget it for a moment, but then it rushes back like a hurricane to the point where I can’t handle it, but I do my darn best. I hate this feeling and I can’t shake it no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re doing it well, I don’t feel like a thought anymore and I guess you can say everyone was right, right!?

I’m suppose to prove everyone wrong and I don’t really know how to do that, which gives everyone the satisfaction to say I told you so, just like you said, again I don’t expect you to feel bad, not that you would for a second. I know you kept giving me options and I kept telling you not to, because I had a feeling that if you did, you would leave and I wouldn’t speak to you anymore. We’d always said we’d speak, but I guess for a long time we just ran out of words to say, you’re all about action and i’m just words and I guess everyone knows that……every conversation we had with that, plays in my head, not all at once, but in different sections, I don’t know how to action things properly, i’ve been doing my best to work at it though.

I wish I could just send this to you without having to post it, but I can’t, how else will you see this!? If you want to hate me, you can, I was suppose to keep you safe and keep you reassured, but I failed to do that, I wanted to and still do, but I can’t until I figure myself out huh!? I’m never going to wish you harm or worse things, I care too much about you to ever do that and I love you too much to do that, plus you don’t deserve it.

Major loss that’s what you said, I had a feeling you’d go, I just didn’t think you’d go completely, but what was I to expect when you said “it’s going to push me away” I really made a mess didn’t I!? I was supposed to better for you, but I don’t think I ever was, only when I was around maybe, but I wasn’t really the best supporter was I!? I was supposed to keep you out of your head, but instead I had you go back into it, maybe not on purpose,

but I did, I think about you and your health a lot and I get sad, because I don’t know how you’re doing and i’m always afraid that it’ll happen again, but this time it’ll be my fault because of the situation and I hate that I feel like that, but it’s the truth, you may not think I care, but you’d be wrong to think that. I don’t know how else to talk to you, but I don’t know if you even want to talk to me anymore, it seems like you’re better off without me from the looks of it, but I don’t know if that’s true. I used to know you so well and I still feel like I do, but at the same time I don’t, I want to talk to you so bad, but I don’t know if we’ll still have words to say to each other…..

I guess you were right when you said it’ll hurt the other person more than you, if that’s not accurate I don’t know what is. I always want you to be happy and well, you’re always in my mind when I think of that, whether you still want me in your life in someway or you would rather just pretend I never existed, I still want you to be happy, I always hope it would be with me, but if you’ve taken things as final and you’re happy not talking or everything anymore, just know i’m still going to want the best for you,

because whether you believe me or not, you deserve that and I know you know that, i’m proud of you everyday and am really happy for you, for everything, i’m happy you finally found a career your going to enjoy for the rest of your life, i’m happy for how far you came and for starting your all girls team that you wanted to create……all I wanted was to make you happy, but if i’m unable to do that, I want you to let someone else do that for you.

I don’t like thinking like that, but I wanted to say that, i’m not giving up, because I don’t want to, I just don’t know how long you’ll want to wait, but I think you might be done with waiting and I get it, you have everything set and I still am stressfully trying to figure it out, I sometimes wish I would’ve figured it out a long time ago because then I wouldn’t be worrying about everything so much now…….

And before you say it or think it, I know you tried helping, don’t ever think I forget that and that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but like you said there was only so much you could do and if you don’t help yourself no one else will and i’m trying to that. I don’t know if I have anything else to say, but I hope you talk to me and I hope you still want me around,

I’m not going to beg you because begging and chasing isn’t the best thing to do, but I am trying to fight here in someway whether you see it that way or not, I hope you do see it because i’ve never in my life have done this before and i’m scared and if i’m being honest I have no idea what i’m doing and I just feel I keep doing everything wrong.

If you want to talk, you know I have nothing better to do at the moment and i’m just gonna say it like that because it’s true, I know you’re busy and your focusing, i’m not trying to take you away from that whatsoever, but whenever you have the time, I hope you call or message back, i’d like to hear your voice, I miss it and I miss you, but if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine, I just hope you do talk to me at least.

I’m going to stop writing, because this is starting to become very long, but I do hope you’re okay and that you’re doing well, you stay safe and be careful and I hope you’re taking proper care of yourself, seriously!! I love you with all of my heart that’ll never stop ever, no matter how hard I try at it.

P.S. Sorry for this very long post, for those reading this, I needed to get it out.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Favorites: Song, Book, Tea and Channel Series (Sept 29, 2019)

On By Daydreamer LexIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Hiya, hope you all are having a good one and have been enjoying your weekend. If you ask me how i’ve been doing, well I would say fine and not another word more, let’s just get straight into this post here shall we!? Now I never shared one of these before, so I don’t know if i’m even doing it right, if there is a specific way to do it, but I also feel it’s not all that hard to figure out the more you go along.

Before we get to the titled things that I will share upon being my favorites, I just want to say that I looked at the date earlier today and I can’t believe how quick this months gone, we’re literally at the end of the month and soon, real soon, we’ll be in the spooky season that is October, how crazy is that!? I’d say very, but is it really!?

These months always tend to speed on by, before you can really settle into a month, another month is already arriving to town, Halloween town!! Ha kidding, although it is a pretty good movie!! Moving on let’s talk favorites, again i’m not really sure how this is going to turn out, I mean I know it’s just writing, but i’ve never done a post where i’m just talking about my favorite things, but let’s see where this goes.

Okay first up on the favorite list is book: Crazy Is My Superpower (How I Triumphed By Breaking Bones, Breaking Hearts and Breaking The Rules) By AJ Mendez Brooks (formerly known as AJ Lee)

I adding this first because I just finished reading two chapters of a book I started reading last month, towards the end of the month to be exact. I actually started reading this on a Sunday and ironically today is Sunday.

Fun fact (sorta): originally I wanted to read this book every Sunday since that’s when I started reading it, I was only going to read 1 chapter every Sunday, but uhh, yeah that didn’t happen…..I did keep the routine going for two Sundays when I picked it up finally, i’ve had this book in between my bookshelf for a good while and when I say good while I mean, a year….

Update: I just relooked at it and it’s been in my bookcase for not 1, but 2 YEARS, YOKES!! Yeah I wrote that right, goodness that long *heavy sigh*

I actually preordered this book, but yeah that’s just a small uninteresting fact ha…..ANYWAY!! When I started reading this, it was on a day that I was feeling really…..not my best, I was just not having a good day and was feeling a lot, so I ended up picking this book off my bookshelf to give it a read and it made me feel better, while also allowing me to let my emotions out that day, it gave me an excuse to just feel without worry.

Here’s proof well sorta, these are the accessories that came with the book, but the book is also within the picture, you just can’t see it, it’s probably on the side somewhere.

I also laughed because it’s just a really good book, i’m going to be honest I have no idea how to “book review” like at all……when I first read this, I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t really know how, so I kinda just enjoyed it in the moment instead which I didn’t mind. To give you a brief idea of what it’s about, i’m going to attempt a brief run down, because I can just ramble on and on without stopping, but this book is an Autobiography,

Written by one of my favorite people, she’s a former wrestler, now author and actress I guess you can say, she’s been in some shows and movies that I never actually watched, yet anyway, but this book is about her life, she talks about all that she’s been through, her time in the WWE and also her struggle having to deal with being bipolar and what that’s like, there’s a lot more that she writes about in her book, but i’m only in the beginning part of the it, after reading two chapters today, i’m now on Chapter 5.

I’m saving it for next weekend, don’t want to finish the book too early, although I did debate on whether to read Chapter 5 as well after getting past 3 and 4, but I was like no i’ll save it for next time. I’m really enjoying this book, whenever I read a book, I never tend to finish the whole thing, there’s been a few occasions where I have read books towards the end,

Nowadays I read a book, stop at a certain chapter, open another book and repeat….but i’m giving this book a good amount of breathing room before I actually finish it, I don’t want to finish it too quickly because i’m really enjoying it and I want to keep the suspense to what else is going to be revealed possibly, there’s a lot of emotional moments in this, but with the way AJ writes, you’ll laugh, cry and get a better understanding of everything, pretty much your emotions will be all over the place.

I don’t know how to really give a good “Here’s why you should read this book” i’ve never reviewed a book before so I don’t know if i’m selling you this well enough, i’m not actually trying to, I just wanted to express how much i’m enjoying it, AJ is one of my favorite people, I love her so much, she’s really incredible and I know she’s writing another book so when that comes out, I will be getting it, but in the meantime, i’ll just keep on reading and enjoying Crazy Is My Superpower.

AJ’s quite the busy bee right now, she’s doing a lot of things and working on different projects, I think she’s going to be in a comic book or show something like that, I know she’s in a movie named Rabid, it’s a horror film and it’s a remake of the 1977 version, she plays along side her husband Phil Brooks (formerly known as CM Punk) and an actress from one of my all time favorite TV shows, that is Instant Star, Laura Vandervoort, she played Sadie Harrison, Jude Harrison’s older sister, played by one of my all time favorite artists Alexz Johnson, such a great show that was…..but back to AJ

She’s doing great, I love her!! Something I really like about the book is the fact that you get to feel her personality coming off the pages, when you read it, you’re literally hearing her voice inside your head as your reading it and I find that to be really neat, if you know AJ and know her personality and the way she is, then you’ll know what i’m talking about, but if not then your going to be so confused to what I just said and that’s okay!!

This is a really good book, I would recommend giving it a read, you don’t have to, but if you’re curious, it’s on the invisible table in front of you, unless there is a table in front of you than imagine it there.

Moving on to next favorite on the list Song: Mad By Cassie Steele

Just want to say, this song is AMAZING!! I love it!! I ended up coming across this one about a few days ago and after hearing it for the first time, I can say i’m pretty hooked with this one, I only heard it once when I first listened to it and that one time, I kept thinking about it. I didn’t listen to it for a few days after, but it stayed within my mind, where I kept thinking, “man I really want to listen to that song again.” it’s really good and it’s now my favorite song at the moment. For those who aren’t quite familiar with Cassie

You might or may not know, but she was in a show that I was obsessed with a couple months ago, it’s simmered down now, still a favorite though, but she played Manny Santos in the show Degrassi: The Next Generation from Season 1 to Season 8, plus 3 movies within the show, she’s got a few songs out as well as albums, she hasn’t made music in a while though, but there’s always hope that she will surprise us with something good maybe who knows, but Mad is one my favorites right now, she is so underrated as a singer it’s not funny, at least that’s my thoughts anyway, but it’s so good!!

If you want to listen to it, I will leave it for you guys here: Mad By Cassie Steele (Lyric Video)

Third on the list….Tea: Yeah I know, what!? Yes Tea, I don’t think i’ll have a whole lot to say with this one, but I have this specific tea that i’ve been drinking lately and it’s quite nice actually, it’s organic too, it’s called Organic Moroccan Mint Green Tea and it’s great!!

P.S. Sorry if this is a crappy photo, I took a lot last night and this came out to be the better looking, at least I thought it did, but yeah….

Anytime i’m feeling a little nervous or I feel my stomach is a little unsteady, which is often for me, I always go for tea, preferably peppermint, because it tends to help calm my stomach down, but we ran out of that one and I had this one to try out and so yeah i’ve been drinking it a lot lately, it’s really good and I actually have some next to me, it’s cold now, very cold, I don’t drink tea all that much and I also don’t drink it very quickly, that would burn if I did that, I actually burned my tongue yesterday by accident,

that was fun, but it happens…..I only drink tea every few days, I tend to make it the most when I start feeling anxious or when my stomach acts up, now don’t kill me, but I don’t always finish it…..but I do feel bad when I don’t because I know I made it to drink it, but I somehow end up forgetting about it and it’s not until i’m heading to sleep where i’m like “ahhh I did it again” but i’ve been really enjoying the mint/green tea i’m going to have to get some more soon because i’m running out, it’s a favorite of mine though.

Last, but not least, Channel Series: Jacksepticeye’s Minecraft Videos…..

I’m going to say this now…..i’ve never in my life thought I would ever write this, i’m not really into Minecraft, I wouldn’t go playing or going out of my way to watch videos on it, but Jacksepticeye’s series on it…..is pretty alright, i’ll be honest I didn’t get into it right away, it took me a little bit to sit and watch his gameplay on it, the first time I watched it, I couldn’t really be bothered to watch the whole thing, I went out my way to skip it, but I later went “let’s just give it another go” I used it as background noise while I rested my eyes a bit in the start, but after a couple of episodes in,

I ended up actually wanting to watch it which surprised me big time because I would never watch a Minecraft video, I actually remember talking about this to my little cousin when we were talking about video games, he was obsessed with Minecraft at one point, made me watch a few videos of it, I didn’t want to, but I did because he was interested in it and it made him happy. I watched as much as I could back then, until I couldn’t anymore, but now i’ll say it’s okay, Jack always makes his gameplays fun and enjoyable so that’s why I watch his channel, plus he’s one of my favorite people to watch, I love his video’s they’re very entertaining!!

If you’re into Minecraft and you want to check out Jack’s gameplay of it, I will leave it here for you guys: Jacksepticeye (Minecraft Gameplay)

Well there you have it,

We now have reached the end of this post, this was actually pretty fun, i’m not going to lie, I enjoyed writing about my favorite things at the moment, it’s something new and different, didn’t expect to write so much about the book i’m reading, but I did which is insane, but hey if you enjoy something why not talk highly about it right!? Plus AJ, she’s the best we all know that……okay maybe it’s just me on that boat, but with all of that seeing as though this is very long, I won’t keep you anymore than I already have, I hope you enjoyed this post, I felt it to be a good distraction.

P.S. I wrote this all last night, but wanted to add photo’s to it so that’s why it’s being posted today, so Sunday’s post is now Monday’s post.

What are some of your favorite things at the moment!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Careers….(Part 2)

On By Daydreamer LexIn Entries, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Part 2 of Careers is right ahead, as promised from the first part to this when I said I don’t think i’m finished talking about this topic, I wasn’t kidding I still have a lot to say, this might be long as well, i’m just gonna say it now, because I know the way I write……I really do try not to write so much, it’s not easy though…..it’s a good thing I wrote everything in advance here.

Sometimes I want to blame my high school teacher for convincing me to get a computer, well more like suggesting i’d get one, it took me a while to actually give in to getting one, luckily we had someone in our school to lend us computers for the time being until we graduated, if it wasn’t for Mrs. Schaefer (My HS English Teacher) I would still be writing down notes in my notebook and being the only one to do so in my class as well.

(I won’t ever forget the conversation when she suggested for me to get one, I always find myself thinking back to that moment in time, well it’s more on random days then always.)

Now I know what you’re thinking,”what does this have to do with careers?” it doesn’t, it has nothing at all to do with careers, it was just a thought, that I wanted to write down, because it was one of the first things that came to mind when I wrote this out, but let’s discuss what’s meant to be discussed.

I’ll be honest with you, for as long as I can remember I never really thought about what I wanted as a career before, hence why i’m stressing about it now……I mean when I was younger I had this grand idea on what I had in mind and that idea involved singing!! I wanted to be a singer, i’ve mentioned this before i’m sure, I mean what kid didn’t right!? I wanted to sing because I liked singing and music a lot, still enjoy singing to myself and I still listen to music, not as much as I used to, but on occasions and whenever i’m walking somewhere or when i’m in the mood for it.

That all being said, the older I got, the more I started to see just how serious I was about it…..I wasn’t, the thought of singing was cool, I mean let’s face it we all had moments when we sang in front of a mirror or in some part of our house with either a hairbrush, remote control or the broom even, whatever we could find really and just went for it, those were the best days of all our childhoods i’d say!! The few times that I attempted to get going, I think I just found it to be too much now that i’m thinking about it.

I’ve been on stage a few times growing up mostly with other people and a few times alone and in those times being by myself on stage or just in front of people in general I would always feel super uncomfortable, I would just rather kinda be away from the stage and having people stare at you. I didn’t even like doing presentations, even though you would just be talking to a classroom, I couldn’t even speak in front of a group of people without losing my words and being all nervous, flashcards couldn’t even help me and they were numbered flashcards and I still would freak out.

But with singing and music I think the main thing with it was I couldn’t commit to it fully, I wasn’t really serious about it, it was always just fun to me, when I started realizing just how much had to be put into it, yeah I slowly backed away from it until you could no longer see me there.

Sometimes I think about it and wonder with it, but I don’t think I would be able to take it seriously, in terms of having it be a career for me, although I still love to sing, I don’t feel it would be my thing to do for a living, there’s a lot with it I probably wouldn’t be able to handle and the realistic ness of it just wouldn’t be a sure thing if you want something that’s going to get you going if you get what I mean, I mean it can be a sure thing if that’s what you truly want and your serious about it, but with me I don’t think it’d work.

The thing i’d say that came with the joy to sing all my favorite songs was being able to write, now I can’t really recall how I got into writing, I kinda just started doing it a lot, I didn’t really know what I was writing, I mean I knew what I was writing, but I didn’t if that makes sense!? I just liked writing pretty much, lyrics mainly, but nonetheless I was writing a whole lot. Other than wanting to be a singer as a youngster, I didn’t really have any alternative careers I wanted to do.

You always hear people say how it’s important to have a backup career in case your original idea falls through and to give you a bit of insight to how I felt hearing that, well I didn’t like hearing that, i’m pretty sure no one did, but when you think about it, we all knew it made sense deep down, I mean who wants to be left disappointed right!?

Careers are seriously hard to decide on, it’s all about what you would like to be doing for the rest of your life!! You can think of a million and above things to do for a living, but here’s where the heart of the true question lies, will all of those possible career ideas make you happy? Can you see yourself feeling truly good about it for years time? Will it be something you get out of bed for and look forward to everyday!?

All the dilemmas when deciding on a career eh? Some people decide on becoming a teacher for a good amount of time, but then later realize that it may not be the thing for them once they realize just how much patience it takes to handle it or maybe they have asked themselves if they want to be in a classroom for years to come and realize they don’t and so they’ll try and think of something else, but that’s just an example.

There’s a lot of different decisions and questions that’ll go through your head when trying to choose the best career. Becoming a teacher is a more realistic career choice to chose from considering how big of a profession it is, I feel you get more out of it then you would with most career options, plus it’s a bit more rewarding to have as a career, I mean your not only in a teaching role, but your helping people of all ages from kids, to teenagers ect…learn and develop while becoming a lot more knowledgeable as well as other things and doing something like that can make you feel really good.

You know you’re bringing something extraordinary to a lot of people and changing their lives in a way that is inexplainable. Now i’m not saying that any other career wouldn’t also be rewarding and that, it just depends on the kind that you choose, but when your trying to decide on a career, whatever that career may be, it all comes down to how bad you want it as well as where you see your personality fitting better with.

You don’t want to just jump into a random profession, you want to make sure you have some kind of interest and connection to it, that way when you are pursuing a career of your choosing, you know you’re going to enjoy it and keep on enjoying it, sure you might like something and find your good with it, but even if you find your are good with it, it doesn’t necessarily mean your going to love it for the rest of your life,

You might if you give it a try and see, but when going for a career you want to make sure it’s something that’s going to not only bring you some kind of happiness with it, but also bring you a good amount of secureness as well, you want something that’ll go hand in hand and work for you. No one wants to get up and do something they know they’re going to dread each morning they wake up, you want to always look forward to what you’re doing not, hate it as your doing it and I get it not being easy to figure out.

With careers there’s just so many to choose from that it’s hard to choose, sometimes you have to go based on what your strengths are and what your weakness is, so you can get some kind of idea of what could work when deciding on what you are going to be doing for a living. Sometimes I think it would be easier to randomly land on a career choice as if it was a mini game and have it be sorted that way, but that’s probably not the best idea, because you might end up with something you really do hate if you aren’t careful, but it would make things interesting for one which is sorta good.

There you have it part 2 of Careers, a lot of what’s written here most of it was already pre written, but there were some stuff that I changed as I went along…..now i’m not 100 percent sure, but there’s a chance there could be a third parter here, it’s not a definite yes, but there is a sorta big maybe to it.

This might just stay as a two parter, but this is a just in case you do see a part 3, you won’t be too alarmed by it, but with all that, I hope you all are having a good day and that you’re all doing well.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

1pm Conversation….

On By Daydreamer LexIn Entries, Uncategorized4 Comments

Written Sept 22, 2019

In the distance there you are, I try to get near, but your still so far, I call your name, but there’s no answer, sometimes I wish there was an answer. I sit alone, in hopes you’ll arrive, but deep down I know, i’m still just alone…..I pretend not hearing from you doesn’t bother me, but it always does when I think on the fact that I won’t ever hear from you.

I’ll admit i’m not good with coping with these kind of things, I try to forget it to keep the hurt from coming back up, but it only works for so long. I’m a little lost on a lot of things if you can tell, i’m trying so hard to sort through it all, i’m just not sure if i’m doing okay with it though, trying to keep these emotions intact is the hardest thing to do.

Everything is just everywhere and all i’ve been trying to do is fix it somehow, but I feel i’m bad when it comes to fixing things….I blame myself for a lot of things, that I know I probably shouldn’t, but it’s just how I feel, every time I look back on what went wrong and why everything is the way it is now, I can’t help, but blame myself for it turning out that way.

I think we all find it easiest to blame ourselves even when we know it isn’t always necessarily our fault. Everything’s just a mess now and I don’t know in what way to clean it up, i’m trying to get myself out of being where I am, it’s fine looking to people to help you get through, but we all know that there’s nothing anyone can physically do to help, the rest comes from you, yourself and I know that….there’s no excuses about it that i’m trying to make here, I don’t want excuses, I just want to finally move forward without feeling all this stress all the time.

I wish I was able to talk to you, nothing seemed this bad when I did have you to talk to, I don’t though and i’m having to deal with that, it’s hard…..but I do my best. I’m not trying to ask for answers, i’m just needing a better push and some strength mentally and emotionally, I want my voice and words to come through clearly and be listened to and not continue to fall short. I want to mean what I say in terms of taking action, I don’t want to keep missing out, I also would like to follow my own voice for once without having everyone else’s voice come through.

No more influences trying to make me think a certain way because that’s what they think, I keep everyone’s thoughts in my head and I just want my own thoughts without the complicated, just simple. It’s hard to know what’s being heard and what’s not, but I just needed someone to talk to, you mainly, if you listened thanks and if not that’s okay, I managed to get it out in someway, even if it was just writing it out, at least it’s out of my head. Didn’t even know it was there to be honest…..

In the distance there you are, I managed to get near, but you were still so far, although I sit alone with the knowing you might not arrive, I still hold on to the hope that you’ll soon answer……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Careers….(Part 1)

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You wouldn’t think they’d be hard to decide on, but when you’ve come to a point in your life where you still haven’t decided on where you would like to go on the career topic, you’ll find you start to become much more stressed out about it. I’ve been back and forth trying to decide where I might want to head and i’m still thinking about it, I can never seem to make up my mind when it comes deciding anything really……

You may think you have something in mind, but you realize just how tough it really is trying to figure out just what you might want to get into as a career, it seems simple, but the more you really look into it, your calmness meter starts to decrease and your stress meter starts to increase, followed by your frustration meter and you get the drift of it i’m sure.

It really shouldn’t be all that hard to decide, you pick something you enjoy and go for that right!? Wrong, just so wrong……we enjoy a lot of things and that can make choosing something extremely hard when it comes to a lifetime career, there are things we enjoy most and there are things we enjoy a certain amount.

Trying to choose out of all the things we enjoy, is like being back on a school playground trying to decide who should be “it” in a game of tag or hide and seek. For those who aren’t quite sure what I mean, i’m talking playing eenie, meenie to choose who you want to be “it” before you actually get to the game, it’s pretty much stalling and delaying, I mean let’s face it no one liked being IT in those games and if you did like having to find everyone in hide and seek or you enjoyed chasing after people when playing tag, then I don’t know, maybe you were just a different kind of species, kidding ha!!

Okay, maybe choosing a career isn’t quite like a game of hide and seek or tag, i’m most likely exaggerating that part, but it’s just so stressful!! Going back to the playground days, when your a kid, you have in mind all these things you find cool that you might want to be, it’s kinda where it all starts really, something catches your interest, you become fascinated by it and that’s what you want to be, as a kid you’re fascinated by everything!!

Being asked “what you would like to be when you’re older” makes it feel as though you’re expected to give an answer and that’s where the first pressures tend to arise, although your just a kid, you still have this feeling as though you have to answer that daunting question (hopefully I used daunting in a correct way) so you kinda just go with something that seems interesting in that moment. I mean you’re a kid so you kinda just throw anything out there that is part of an interest of yours, but the older you get,

The more your interests start to change and that can cause a bit of frustration when you thought you had something in mind, but later discover that what you thought you wanted to be was something you weren’t even quite sure about to begin with, you just felt you had to answer.

Once you’ve reached a good age where you should be in a certain position and you see you aren’t there, that’s where the frustration continues to grow because out of all the things you enjoyed, not one of them stood out to where it made you want to continue on with it for a long time and make it into a career and you think to yourself “you waited this long to start thinking about a career” you add to the pressure that you already feel, unsure of a clear direction or career and with that you feel a little defeated.

You know you went so long without deciding what it was you wanted to do and although you know it’s not too late and that you can still figure it out, you still have that frustration inside you, being an adult and not having decided on a career is the most stressful thing to deal with.

And it’s not just the dealing, it’s the emotions that come along with it as well, you want to start something, but not just for the sake of it, you want something to look forward to, something that’s going to have you unable to wait to get started, you want a career that you don’t mind getting stressed about because it means that much to you that you want it to be right…..

P.S. I wrote this post a few days ago, i’m not really sure whether to post this or not, I think I might, but even when I do, i’m still going to feel unsure about it the moment it’s up. When it comes to these kind of writes, I try to avoid sharing them because they tend to come out of a place of stress and frustration, but I guess sometimes it’s okay if they do.

I don’t think i’m finished talking about this topic, so for now i’ve added it as a part 1 post, suggesting there’s going to be another part on it, the second part will come from a different mood stand point, it’s also quite long so i’m going to have to try and shorten it someway, but keep an eye out for it!!

You might see it later today or sometime this upcoming week, not sure on the posting schedule of it quite yet, but you’ll see it, for now I hope you’re all having a good day and you enjoyed your weekend.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Purpose….

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They say we all have a purpose, but what if that purpose isn’t anything specific, say that purpose is just more on what we make of something or what we want to do with ourselves. Whenever we’re told “Your here for a purpose” it can make you feel as though your supposed to do something great, something BIG and that kind of thing can feel pretty stressful.

I mean what is this purpose we need to do and are we even doing it right!? These kind of questions can make you feel unsure of a lot of things, with the word purpose, when you look at it and say it, it seems important, it can make you feel as though you have to carry the world on your shoulder and be this unstoppable force to be reckon with, even though those are just sayings and are a metaphor, it still feels like a huge thing to do.

You think to yourself “Why do we see it as this wondrous thing and why do we care and try to live up to it?” When it comes to the word “Purpose” it’s intimidating to have to try and step up to something you have no clue to what it’s about or it’s true concept, the saying “we’re meant to be here”

Is also pretty intimidating, it pretty much goes hand in hand with the word purpose, both have this feeling of importance, like something is expected to where you have to follow some kind of mystery road and or path, yet it’s an unclear clue to what and where it actually is.

That all being said, I know that there are some things that have a specific purpose, some are useful and some useless and when I say useless, I mean it more on the side of not quite what you expected it to be, take some toys for example, some are very educational and quite useful and really fun, but then you have some toys that only do one thing and can end up being a little underwhelming/anticlimactic and not as fun, although you probably know not to get your hopes up with it, you kinda sorta do anyway.

You always kind of feel like it’s going to surprise you and do something extraordinary for some reason and when it doesn’t (as expected) it leaves you feeling pretty bummed out, but you knew it would do that, but it’s that hope that it might do something else, even though you know it’s not going to because it’s meant to be a one thing kind of toy, but you’re left there sighing to yourself, thinking “I guess I knew that’d happen” but on the other hand sometimes you’ll come across a toy, you think is a one purpose thing, but end up learning that sometimes it’ll have other useful uses to it, leaving you both mind blown and full of joy, which you gotta love, who knew right!?

Going back on track though and talking more life base of what we’re supposed to be doing and that, that kind of purpose can throw you for a loop and leave your head going in circles or wandering for days on end, making you think, if there is some kind of purpose and we are meant to be here, why do we have a hard time knowing what it is and what to do?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Look At Those Eyes….

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Song Of The Day: Look At Those Eyes By Alexz Johnson (this is one of my favorite songs from of course one of my favorite artists Alexz Johnson, love her!! The title of this post as you can see was inspired by it!!)

They say when you look into the eyes of someone, not only do you see the window to their soul, but you also get to really see their true emotions and how their actually feeling. We always try and hide the way we feel and that’s because we try not to let people know that were struggling, it’s odd though, we’re fine with showing off the happy parts of our lives and of ourselves, but when it comes to the parts we think no ones going to want to see, we hide it and try to lock it away so we’re not asked questions.

Once we find ourselves on the low side of town, we automatically feel as though we have to discard it and put up this front and pretend that everything is okay and that we’re fine…..that we don’t have any issues and were happy, but when you really get a good look, you see that’s not the truth, that’s why we tend to avoid people, because not only are we afraid that we’re going to ruin people’s moods with our own,

but we know that if people spend even the smallest amount of time with us and catch even a glimpse into our eyes…..they will know the truth and see all the emotions and struggles we tried so desperately to keep hidden away and having people see that, makes us want to crawl away somewhere and you may ask why, it’s because we’re ashamed and embarrassed to have to let those things show, the thought of a million questions and worrying…..

It’s for that reason we avoid, it’s for that reason, we think staying to ourselves is much better than being around people, at least when we’re alone we don’t have to worry about feeling uncomfortable with ourselves, because we’ve gotten so used to the feeling. If we’re around people when we aren’t feeling our best it’s like we have to pretend again, we have to go on stage and play this part that we really aren’t familiar with, but we make sure to sell the hell out of it as best as we can, sometimes it works…..

Other times not as much, that’s only because when you have people around you that know you, it’s hard to fool them, unless your acting skills are on a high that day….but everything you need or want to know are in the way of a persons eyes, some are lost, sad, angry…..

Then you have some that are full of light and are actually fine, other times though, when you’re looking into someones eyes you’ll find that they just don’t know what to do and are just trying to get things right someway, even though they have no clue what they’re doing.

P.S. This was a journal entry I wrote a few weeks ago, I felt this to be appropriate to share today, if you have any thoughts share it down below!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

The Talk….

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No not that kind of talk if your wondering, it’s more serious, although that kind of talk is serious too….we’re not going to talk about that here though. Hearing the words “we need to talk” or “I need to talk to you” is one of the few words that makes my stomach sink, I mean let’s be real,

No one like those words, it always leads to a conversation you don’t want to hear majority of the time, yet have to face sometimes. It’s just one of those talks you’d rather avoid than talk about, but it’s the only way to talk about things that need talking about, avoiding it only makes the prolong of it worst and more serious and you end up feeling terrible because you knew the conversation needed to be brought up, but refused to approach it,

because of the thought of what that talk might turn into….a lot of the time it might not be all that bad, but it doesn’t mean the thought of it isn’t…..assumptions aren’t the best way to go though, you don’t really know what you’re going to be talking about, until you’re actually talking about it, whether it is “The Talk” or not, you should still talk.

Which talk approach is your worst nightmare!? “We need to talk”, “I need to talk to you” or “can I talk to you!?” share your thoughts below

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Writing Prompt: Write About Yourself

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Objective: Describe yourself, surroundings, frame of mind and emotional state, but try and write it in a third person point of you (he/she not I or me)

She wakes up to a repeated routine, washing dishes, making coffee with toast and then sits on her bed in the center of the room. She grabs a few journals from her bookcase, adds a little background noise and tries her best to look busy when deciding on what she can write about in a journal.

Her mind soon starts wandering, thinking on how she should be more productive then this. Feelings of guilt and stress come over her, making the situation look like a good place to sulk and and sit in self-pity, she tries to come up with solutions that could help her to move forward, but she lets herself think of outcomes to trying, letting in the Anxiety and giving her an excuse to not go fourth with it, knowing full well it wasn’t a good one.

She asks herself questions, that she already has the answers to, asking people for advice and tips, hoping that this time she’ll finally put them into actions herself, without the need of guidance. She locks herself away and forces herself to stay where she is, even though she knows it’s not where she wants to be, she glances outside her window, watching everyone’s life inattentive of her own, as she sees it as better. Deep in thought,

She wonders how it got so bad, but only she would know the true answer to that, it was her that held back, allowing herself to fall behind when all she had to do was try harder, she allowed her head to get the best of her in moving forward, underestimating herself and believing she wasn’t good enough. If only she would allow herself to be confident and trust in the abilities that she possesses, instead of questioning and second guessing herself, things would change and be a little better, she just can’t bring herself to believe she has it in her to do so, why you might ask!?

Fear, it’s fear that keeps her hidden, it’s the thought of being judged and feeling as if she won’t fit in wherever she goes, that she’ll feel too out of place. It’s the worry that whatever she does, won’t be good enough, those fears have always been there, but it’s not until now that they’ve started slowly coming to the surface, not fitting in never really bothered her before, but now it ends up in the back of her mind at times, those fears need to go if she wants to get anywhere and even she herself knows it’s time to move.

P.S. I hope I did this whole writing prompt right, I found this creative writing prompt website last night, okay I searched for it more like, I was curious and wanted to see what kind of prompts there were so I could try my hand at it, there were quite a few, I might try out another one, this one was fun, it actually made writing a little less intimidating….

If you would like to give it a try as well, the link is here: Creative Writing Prompts there’s other prompts on there as well if you prefer to do a different one, it’s good writing practice, at least that’s what I think prompts are for, I don’t really do them all that often ha. Hope you enjoy!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~