Author: Daydreamer Lex
August Kind Of Monday….
Yeah I know, what does that even mean!? Honestly I have no idea, but it was the first thing that came into my mind so I just went with it, there really isn’t any sorta meaning behind the title here! Speaking of Monday, I really hope you’ve been enjoying yours and that it hasn’t been too busy for you guys or anyone who happens to come across this post…..It’s really been a good minute since I’ve written anything here, my last post was a month ago! Hopefully you’ve all been doing well…..maybe we should do a bit of a catch up yeah!?
Where to start is the question!? I’m not really one for self promotion, but I hear it’s a good way for growth, even though I really am terrible at it, I don’t really like to put myself in the spotlight all that much, sometimes I do it though to allow myself to feel uncomfortable until I feel comfortable enough to where it starts to become natural and personally, I think I’ve improved a bit in saying that I’m very happy to share that I have given streaming a try after debating with myself on whether I should go for it or not and genuinely enjoy it!
If I’m being honest though, I did get a bit of push from my sister in law who has really helped me with more things that I can put into words and has also inspired me to go for it, I didn’t have the thought to stream until maybe a year ago (at least that’s when I had it as a though mostly) if I were to ask myself then if I ever imagined that I would be streaming, let alone interesting in doing so…..I think I would 1. be confused because I didn’t really know streaming was a thing until a maybe 2 years ago give or take and I think I would’ve liked the thought of streaming, but I don’t think I would have thought I could do it myself….so I probably would’ve said no had me now told me this before in all honesty.
Now I know I probably mentioned that I have been streaming in my last post and about the whole, not highlighting my first stream, because I was still new at it and didn’t know that was a thing….but I just thought I’d share on how it’s been since I started, I got to say it’s been pretty fun! I’ll admit though, I do still feel nervous everytime I stream, but I find once I’m in the zone….I can manage pretty well….that doesn’t mean I don’t still get anxious though, but regardless to those feelings, I do really like it, even if I am still learning as I go!
Although live streaming is something I would’ve never considered before, the fact that I have tried it and have been doing my best to keep at it….I’ve found that personally, it’s the first time in a while that I genuinely look forward to something I’ve worked, despite only having 1 set day of streaming….I have been adding other random days though so at least I’m getting somewhere.
It’s a little mad to think about, because whethe you are familiar or maybe some of you are new to my blog site, believe it or not, maybe it’s not that hard to believe, but anyway I used to struggle a lot with my confidence, especially when doing something, that I really wanted to do! I was the type where I would always start something, but wouldn’t always finish it and it always left me feeling…..like I didn’t have much direction going and I think this is the first time I’m actually admiting that, I’d always think of an idea and would do my best to keep at it, until I found myself not really feeling interested in going much further with whatever project I had started.
I would be so hard on myself about that kind of thing though, you wouldn’t know it too much, because I never really attempted to express that out loud let alone in writing….I guess you can say that I held myself back a bit to expressing things truly to how I feel them, well I still sorta do honestly, but I always do my best to express the best way I’m able to in the moment until I feel ready to really say how I actually feel. I think had I gave myself the choice to say all of this before, I wouldn’t have been ready to admit it fully…..
So the fact that I’m saying it now, just shows that I have grown a bit more to be open about my feelings even if it’s only a level of growth, it’s still growth nontheless and I’m glad to say I’m proud of myself for that because one other thing I struggled with the most was, well expressing myself! It’s for that reason I started this blog in the first place so I could share whatever was in my heart and mind to share, even when I did withhold certain things, I still made sure I at least tried saying what it was I wanted the best way I knew how at the time.
Which again was very hard for me to do, but I knew that in some way I could do it in written because, writing for me has always been my outlet for saying things I didn’t have enough confidence to say out loud and why you may ask or wonder, well I just felt like, whenever I did express myself….I didn’t feel like I was being truly listened to or understood the way I wanted to be understood, plus there would always be some kind of issue when I did say something I truly felt…..so I just didn’t bother.
However when I do end up expressing myself to people, it’s because I trust them and know that with those people I don’t have to worry about feeling as though I’m not being understood properly, because their willing to take the time to listen and not just hear their own voice you know what I mean!? Maybe down the line, I will share a lot of my story, but I’ll do that when I feel ready.
In the meantime, I’m okay with getting more comfortable with being more open to say what it is I feel I need to say, but to bring everything back in a circle, because that’s something I’m oddly good at, getting back on track after I’ve gone off a bit haha……Streaming has been a whole new experience and whole new way of expressing, only difference is, I get to play my favorite game while meeting new people who also share an interest in that same game as me, which is both amazing and beautiful!
I was actually telling my partner that the other day, where I do my usual and just chat non stop on something that I’m excited about, but don’t worry he’s used to it and doesn’t mind, which I love! Even when I know I can be very chatty at times and somewhat difficult…..he’s always shown a lot of patience for me and accepts me just the way I am! Not only that, but he’s one of the people in my life that has been a big part of how much I’ve grown as a person and for that I’m always grateful for him!
I do also want to take a moment to thank a special friend that I actually just made, another streaming buddy who actually inspired me to write this post today, he reminded me to never stop expressing myself and by him saying that…it unlocked a new side of me, when it comes to stepping into myself more and for that, I just want to say how appreciative I am, it’s funny because he doesn’t even know he inspired me, thanks Dottie if you’re reading this!
Since we haven’t done one in a while, today’s creator spotlight is my streaming buddy Dottie: I definitely recommend checking out his streaming channel, he’s a funny one, I don’t remember what he said his streaming schedule is even though he said it yesterday whoops, all I know is he streams more days then me haha, but if you’re curious and what to check out what he’s playing on his streams when he’s live, you can find it here: DottieDotDot
Anyone who is curious and checks his channel out, I think you’ll like his energy and you’ll have a good time aswell, if you enjoy video games and chatting that is (not that you have to chat)
As for my channel, if anyone is curious on what I stream or would like to come on by and say hi, you can find me here: TheWanderingDaydreamer like I said earlier in this post, I only have 1 set day of streaming for right now, which is Fridays, usually around the same time which would be 1pm-ish, my time….I’ve been doing pretty good at staying on top of streaming Friday’s unless something comes up of course, but 9/10 you can catch me live streaming on that day!
I do randomly add in other days when I feel I want to stream, so far, every other Wednesday and Thursday have been where I find I’m streaming the most between the two, but it’s not always those days, I have yet to figure out which other days I like best, so only Fridays for the time being! Currently I’m only playing Animal Crossing, but I do plan to switch things up along the way and add in new games, but yeah if your curiousity is too much to handle, stop on by and say hi if you like! Well that’s my self promotion of the day, I think it’s time I wrap up this blog post…hope you all have a good rest of your day and thank you for reading if you did!
All The Love ❤ ❤
I’ve Got Something To Say!
Good Afternoon, I know I wrote something a little bit earlier today, but I didn’t get the chance to tell you the other thing I wanted to say, what exactly is it you may ask!? Well before I tell you, first I just want to take notice of how not great I am when it comes to self promoting, this is nothing new, I do it with everything I do, especially when it’s still new, but when you’ve got something you want to share and want to let it be known, you kinda have to put yourself in the center for a moment so that people can hear you and understand you clearly and also hope for the best when expressing yourself and so that’s what I’ll be doing right now!
Now I’ve only been doing this for a week now, so I’m not really an expert when it comes to what I’m about to share, but it’s something that I’m finding joy out of and I’ve been trying to get the hang of it since I took the chance of giving it a go….to keep the long story short though, I just wanted to announce that I started streaming, my first stream was on the 23rd of June, however I can’t say “hey you should watch that one” because again still learning as I go….I forgot to highlight my first stream on twitch,
I didn’t really know you could do that until I saw that my second stream only had a day left on twitch and when my sister in law told me about it! So now that I know that…..I’ve been highlighting all my streams that I’ve done so far, I just finished my 5th or 6th stream about 2 hours ago and yeah it was pretty good, so far I’ve just been playing my favorite game of all time, you may have seen my write about it plenty of times, that game being Animal Crossing, but I do plan on adding in other games down the line, when I feel it to be right, but for the time being, I’ll just be focusing on Animal Crossing New Horizons!
I won’t have this post be too long, so I’ll just discuss whether I have a schedule to when I stream…..right now, I’m still working out the days on when I prefer to stream, but so far Fridays have been my set days of streaming and by that I mean it’s more likely that you’ll see my stream on a Friday, I’m debating on whether I should add Saturdays because I did stream this past Saturday….but other than that time, Saturdays are up in the air! Thursdays are a somewhat day that I also stream and then today which is Monday, I’m not sure if Mondays will be a day that I stream often, but I’m going to keep it in mind at least….but most definitely Fridays are the days that you will find me streaming the most!
When it comes to how many days I’d like to stream, I think I would prefer 3 days MAX and the Minimum 2, but again I’m still figuring that out as well, but I’m sure the more I continue to stream the more I’ll start to know what I prefer to do. That’s everything I wanted to share if you would like to come on by and watch me stream my favorite game Animal Crossing: New Horizons or you just want a place to hang out and chat or listen to something, check out my Twitch channel: https://www.twitch.tv/thewanderingdaydreamer I tend to stream towards the afternoon so around half past one ish to about 4pm, however I only stream for about an hour and a half, 2 hours and a half max, unless I feel I really want to play, then 3 hours is my limit!
I may at some point throw in an early morning stream randomly depending on how I’m feeling (and if the audio in OBS is on my side) it’s unlikely that you’ll ever see me stream during the morning, but there’s a possibility it could happen and when I say early I don’t mean super early, I think if I were to ever stream around the morning time it would be around 10:30am-11am, but other than that, expect afternoon streams from me…..I don’t know I just prefer streaming during the afternoon, unless I have to do something during that time, then I would switch it for the morning if need!
If you would like to keep up to date on when I am live or just to see what I’m up to, you can follow me on my Twitter here: Daydreamer Lex I don’t usually tweet that often, but sometimes I do, it’s the only social media I have at the moment, plus I’m pretty active on there….I may or may not add some of my streams to Youtube eventually, I’m still on the fence about it, we’ll see….maybe I’ll see some of you around or at least chat with you, hope you all have a good one!
All The Love ❤ ❤
4 Years Of Sharing My Thoughts!
Gooooood morning, everybody! I hope you all are having a good Monday and the days treating you well, we’re nearly half way through this month, talk about what the heck am I right!? It’s a bit of an early morning for me, not super early, it’s around 9am currently as i’m writing this! I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything lately, I’ve been meaning to do some writing, but I haven’t really gotten around to it, I try not to rush/force when it’s time to write because for me it doesn’t really work all that well!
I know some people are really good at forcing themselves to write even if they aren’t quite feeling it and hey that’s great, because it just shows how good they are at honing their craft and creativity even when pressure rises, i’d like to say I am good at doing that myself, but that wouldn’t be true, I don’t do too well under pressure, I do my best at handling it to a certain extent, but me and pressure don’t really see the same side of the painting, which is fine, everyone is different!
Anyway there’s a couple of things I wanted to express on today, possibly at least, the main reason to why I decided to take the time to write today is…..well it was on this day, that I went ahead and created this blog! I know quite surprising…..honestly it feels longer than 4 years, which is weird to think about! A lot has changed for the most part since I created this blog, when I first started I tried to write as much as possible on here and I found that I enjoyed it and at point I thought, “hey I finally found what I am good at” fast forward 4 years today and you’ll find out that I don’t quite have that same thought process now!
I’m not saying that my thoughts of it have changed completely, I do still enjoy writing, I mean it’s pretty much in me to write, always has been since I was young, but from when I first started where I would constantly write to nowadays, i’m finding myself on cruise mode with it! Instead of feeling like I need write something everyday, to the point where I would stress myself out about it sometimes, I write when it feels right to me if that makes sense!?
I’ve been down a very interesting path that I can’t quite explain, there’s moments where you think you got it and then out of nowhere, you find that you’ve gone ahead and gotten yourself lost again somehow or just happened to wander off because something caught your eye to the point where you felt the need to check it out because curiosity, you know that kind of thing! So blogging these days have sorta been…..around the area, but not exactly near the area…..it doesn’t mean I don’t write anymore, I do, but a lot of my writing has become personal, sometimes I share them and depending on how personal it actually is will determind whether people are able to read it or will be unable to see it because it’s privately posted and only those I want to read it will read it!
There’s parts of me I’m open to share, but there’s also parts of me that I’d like to keep personal and I’d like to think that it’s okay because everyone has a right to what they want to share and what they want to keep to themselves! That being said, I personally didn’t think I would last this long blogging in all honestly, I’ve had moments to where I thought about….I don’t want to say quitting, but more on not wanting to write at all on here, but then I thought I don’t know how to not do that, so instead of leaving this blog behind,
I felt that it’s okay if I’m not always in the mood to write….because anybody who is naturally creative and who gravitates to things that allow them to be who they are and share what’s inside in someway…..they too have moments of ups and downs with their creativity, it doesn’t mean they don’t love it, it’s just part of the process of being creative, if you don’t have those moments of doubt, of not feeling motivated or just burnt out and uninspired then you’re not really experiencing the true journey of creativity!
We need to understand that we’re not always going to have all these ideas right away, it’s important to wander off sometimes so that you can return refresh and ready to go, being excited and not really knowing what it is you’re going to do next, it’s also good to discover different kind of things too that can help your creativity grow and feel like it’s getting the best energy of it’s life as well as allowing yourself to grow and evolve in ways that you never thought or imagined possible, so it’s because of that knowing inside of me that I don’t really stress much about feeling the need to write and only doing it when I feel it to be of some kind of importance or if I feel it’s going to help me grow better as a person!
I’m not perfect, no one is to be fair, but I do my best with what I know and even when I don’t know, I still try my best to understand whatever it is that I’m learning and to take it in the best way I’m able to and when I feel like I’m getting the hang of it, that’s when I will take it and try to make it into my own little thing! I know that there are other things that I wanted to say, but I feel like it would be more appropriate to write in a whole new post, I say that because it’s something that I recently started and I really want to share what it is, but I think it would be better to share it seperately…..that’s everything I have to say for now, I’ll try and write on what else I wanted to share later on today, in the meantime, I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day!
By the way, for anyone who happens to come across this blog and go out of their way to share their support in whatever way that is, I just want to say thank you sooo much!! It really does mean a lot knowing that what I write, people are enjoying themselves and that also goes big time to those who have been with me on my blogging journey from the beginning/middle up until now, I can’t express how much that means and if ever I wrote something that helped someone in anyway……then I’m happy! Take care and I hope you have a good one ^_^
All The Love ❤ ❤
Don’t You Ever Grow Up….
There comes a day when you start to realize just how quickly everything goes….at first you don’t really think all that much about it, until that wave of realism comes rushing over you. At times it can be extremely overwhelming and hard to grasp, but the more you go about it, the less anxious it gets, sometimes it can make you feel a bit more anxious then what you thought….but it’s important to find some kind of grounding with those kind of moments and try to push through them!
This journey that we’re all on, although very much different, is still quite the same….what I mean by that is for one, we all have some kind of challenges to face, we have to get over bumps to be able to head towards where we’re going and many other things….one thing for sure though…..we’re all just a little or very much scared with each unknown thing that we come across! It’s not until we actually face those uncertain moments that we become less worried about them!
When we’re kids, there’s not really much to worry about is there!? At least for us kids, it’s the parents that do all the worrying, while we’re being quite the curious beings we are, trying to explore all that’s around us…..once we become teenages well that’s where all the challenges come in and where we start to discover who we are just a little bit more….some of us become trouble makers and some may still be trying to find their own voice! I won’t tell you which one I was, although you can probably guess….if you took a guess and said troublemaker well you would be somewhat correct, but more opposite based then what it may seem.
I enjoyed testing people as a kid and if I didn’t like something I would have no problem saying it…..I was a lot tougher and outspoken as a kid more than as a teen……I was what you would call the quiet kid during my teenage years, especially in high school, you would think that, it’d be the other way around, but no…..I didn’t really step out of comfort much during the higher level that life had going for me then…..I became what everyone loves to be (sarcastically speaking) a people pleaser…..to keep the story short…..it took a very long time to get myself out of that!
When I say a long time, let’s just say it wasn’t until recently that, I let that side of me go….well most it at least and when I say recently I mean about…..2 years ago…..it may seem long and yeah it is, but at the same time no it’s not! I’m 27 now and to quote one of my all time favorite artists Alexz Johnson and her song Aftermath “Who I was back then I barely recognize her” which is the truth, right now at this moment….I never thought I would be where I’m currently at now in a more, as a person kind of base, as well as a bit of surroundings!
There are days where I will randomly sit with myself and take everything in and even though I know i’ve gone through it…I still get a bit surprised on how much I’ve transformed as a person and for me it’s a little hard to believe sometimes! There’s still stuff that I know will eventually be improve on, but to collect on everything so far, it’s a little of a wow moment….it may not be a lot to you, but for me it’s a lot….but that’s what growth does to all of us…..we don’t realize certain aspects to ourselves until it sorta hits us in the face and at that point, you have no choice, but to really look at it for a second, to look at yourself and all that you’ve overcomed, each and every challenge that you didn’t think you would possibly get through!
Mind the fears and anxieties of those particular moments and not realize through everything you did eventually get through them, there may have been a lot of ups and downs, hard turns, feeling like you’re going in some kind of loop and let’s not pretend that, there weren’t a couple crashes in those times as well…..we’ve all felt like we hit a dead end and just when that hope and wonder of not knowing whether you’d get out or not, enters your mind…..there would always be that one thing, that made you feel like “I can’t give up…I need to keep going” we might’ve not known where you were going, but you had something in your heart and deep down where you knew….the more you went you would be alright!
We always know the way….even when we think we don’t, it’s always important that we take a moment to listen to our hearts as well as intuition…..it can be hard though because sometimes we do fight with ourselves about what it we actually feel, but even if we aren’t exactly sure in the moment….all we have to do is just go with the next best thing that feels right and makes sense to us…..it may not make sense to everyone else, including those close to you, but honestly the only person it needs to make sense to is you…..no one is really going to truly understand the jouney you go on or that I go on, because it’s not their journey it’s yours, it’s mine, it’s ours as a collective, we’re all experiencing things differently and the older that we get….it can become more difficult to choose the right direction.
Here’s the thing though, there’s really no wrong way of doing things…..if you feel it to be right then it is, who cares if people don’t see it the same way, if it really wasn’t going to be the best for you…..you would know and you’d be told in some way, but you’re not ever going to truly know if you don’t take the chance in finding out! You can be scared and nervous, but don’t ever let it stop you, you got to go for what it is you believe in, because that’s where you will see how much growth you’re going to get from it. You don’t need to feel like you can’t because of whatever or you feel it’s going to upset people….as hard and frightening it is to grow up a bit….it is absolutely necessary especially when you know you want it!
You want to be able to say you tried everything and learned a whole lot from it, all while also saying “I discovered this and I love it” or “Yeah I’ve seen this and even gave it go….it wasn’t my favorite thing, but it was alright” take that in whatever context you want, however I mean it more in a sense of, experiencing all that you have yet to see and would like to see, but not being afraid to step out of comfort, those kind of things! Channel into your kid energy, which by the way is always there, you just have to allow yourself to bring it out at times, but when it comes to curiosity and fearlessness that’s where it can really help guide you!
Just bare in mind that, there will be unexpected and uncomfortable situations that you’ll have to go through and that’s okay! You may not enjoy the things you came across along the way fully, but you’ll still learn something from it and hey even with those not so great moments, there is still something great within them….but a lot of the time, they show themselves when you’re not really paying attention, so if you want to catch them just be aware and stay open to the possibilities!
All The Love ❤ ❤
Happy Friday! I hope everyone has been well and that you’ve been enjoying the new month! I’m a little surprised knowing that we’re in June now, normally when a new month rolls around I just accept that it’s here and leave it be, but we’re really in the month of June…..and we’re at the second week of it at that…..It’s a little weird because it sorta feels like mid June then beginning of it, which technically we are nearing the middle of June so i’m not too far off with how this month is feeling.
We’ve come to another end of the week, part of it went pretty quickly, honestly I think the only day that felt very long was Tuesday other than that, this week pretty much flew by, maybe it’s just me, I don’t know the second week of June has felt somewhat weird, not in a bad way, but it did feel weird. You know i’m just going to be honest here, I’m not really sure what exactly I’m trying to write here in this post…..I felt the need to write something, however I don’t necessarily know what I was feeling to write, so there’s a good chance that this post won’t really be that long, sorry about that….I’m not going to count this one as my monthly chat where I express how the month as been and how it’s going, if I am to be honest….I sorta woke up feeling….how to express it!?
Maybe a little unmotivated as well as not even sure what I’m feeling to be fair, sometimes I’ll just have random moments where I don’t feel like I’m there, like I know what I’m doing and I can see myself doing certain things, but I’m just not 100 percent there and when I run into those kind of days, I try to figure out what it is that I’m feeling and sometimes I can pin point it a little, but there’s other days where I find myself having somewhat of a hard time figuring it out! I’m not exactly sad and I’m not angry, but I’m also not quite up there energy wise…..
If I had to give it a percetage, I would say….45/50 ish percent on the mood scale, I feel fine, but not fine! I don’t usually express on my moods honestly like that, but I’m hoping that it’s okay to feel that way and be open about it….I’d say that it’s okay that I am feeling that way, because as human beings we don’t always allow ourselves to feel the things that we’re feeling in the moment, especially when we know we aren’t feeling the greatest or we’re not exactly feeling like ourselves and maybe that’s why we give ourselves a hard time, we’re always trying to push those unwanted feeling away and just pretend that we’re okay when we know that we’re not really doing okay and it’s completely alright to not feel 100 percent all the time!
At the end of the day, we’re all human, we all feel and sometimes our moods are just not there and that’s okay, we need those not so great days in order to continue to be our best selves, it’s not always the good moments that allows us to be who we are, it’s important that we have crappy/shitty days, we need to feel those things in order to grow, without those not so great days we wouldn’t be 100 percent us, we’d only be half of that, it takes a lot of strength to be honest about how you’re really feeling even if you aren’t feeling great, now you don’t need to say it out loud, but it is important that you at least acknowledge your emotions, especially when you don’t want to, because when you find yourself not wanting to be bothered with your own thoughts and feelings that’s when you should check in the most!
Again you don’t have to express it out loud if you don’t feel like you want to, but just identify it, see it, feel it and allow them to be! If you want to express those feelings you can, only you will know whether you feel like letting it out or not, but if you don’t know that it’s okay too, when you’re ready you will, but don’t push them away from yourself if you need a moment, be sure to take that moment and remember that this too shall past and eventually you’ll start feeling okay!
I honestly didn’t expect to write this much, I really believed it was going to be a short one, but apparently I needed to say this….so if by any chance someone right now happens to come across this post and you find any of this helpful, I’m glad to hear it! I hope that you’re doing alright and enjoying this Friday and if you’re not I hope that you have a well deserved relaxed weekend and I really hope this upcoming week is a little better for you! Take care ^_^
All The Love ❤ ❤
The Heat & Rain Of May….(Monthly Talks)
Happy Sunday! As you may all already know, we’ve come to the last 2 days of the month of May and boy have a lot of things been happening this month, I’d like to say that, it’s been more eventful during the months of May then the other months that have gone by, but then again, every month has it’s moments, don’t you think!? I’m now 27 thanks to May and no my birthday is not today, it was earlier into the month, I don’t normally speak on when my birthday arrives, because I just don’t like to, let’s just say I’m not one to like too much spotlight on me!
I’d like to think my birthday was somewhat decent this year, I didn’t really do too much, but I did sorta enjoy myself leading up to my birthday…..I was kind of nervous and then it came and yeah I didn’t know what to feel, if i’m being honest I still don’t know what to feel…..it’s a little hard to believe that I’m already 27, but we all know that eventually we’ll just keep getting older even when we don’t actually feel it! If anyone is even curious at all to what I think, I feel that this month has taught me a lot, to explain it would be very difficult on my part, but if I had to try and put it into words the best way that I can…..one of the things May has had me really look at is, how ready you actually are, plus really seeing the kind of growth and transformation one has made…..
Does any of that makes sense!? I’m not sure, but I did say I would try and explain it the best way I could didn’t I, well that’s my way of explaining it, I felt a lot of emotions this month and excuse me for a moment because I’m going to do something I never actually do too often and that’s being honest with you all…..I like to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself usually because to express them out loud, is not only very and extremely difficult for me, but you might as well knowing everything about me! You see if I were to just say everything that’s in my heart and in my head….I think I would be in a lot of trouble because I know that there would be a hand full of people that would not be happy with me…
So as much as I struggle to keep everything under control and away from the mic when asked what it is you feel….I do my best to swallow all those things and keep them from escaping my mouth because I don’t know how else to do it, but I’d like to think I’ve improved at making people believe that it’s all good under the surface, but I’m also a little aware that people aren’t stupid and if my hunch is right then their able to sense something within me that I’m not saying, but are kind enough to not ask me unless I feel the need to want to talk about these things….little do they know, I’ll never be the one to go up to them and just say what it is i’m feeling.
It’s not something most people would admit, but it’s the truth…..the only way you’re going to get me to say what I’m thinking is knowing me extremely well, but take what I just said there with a pinch of salt because even though there are very few and I mean it very few that I can sit and genuinely speak to about my feelings without judgement or worry, I still won’t express myself to just anyone, not my family and sometimes not even my best friend and she’s my best friend….but I don’t like to talk about my feelings so I keep them to myself…..there’s only 1 person whose able to get me to say what I need to say without fail and that’s only because eventually I just tell on myself and let it out, but if I can help it….I won’t say a word!
I always feel whenever I do express myself, I wish I hadn’t, my emotions get too much for me and so when I am being honest about my feelings, it makes me feel as though it’s too much for other people and then I get upset with myself where I’m always thinking “I always say too much or write too much” and then I wish I could just take everything back into a vaccuum (or hoover is some places) it’s already hard for me to want to be open with some people and so when I do I always want to feel that it means something and is being understood properly and that I’m not just talking a load of rubbish shit and things like that…..but another thing that I’ve really tried soaking in this month is that, there are things that you have to be brave enough to say by yourself even if you find it hard to say out loud, you still should say it in the ways you do feel comfortable!
I know I’ve not written a lot these days and that’s because I was trying to challenge myself a bit, see if I could be open about specifics with just saying it, not by writing, but by actually saying it….spoiler…..it’s not really been vocalized too much and whenever I felt I failed to speak it out loud, I would get frustrated with myself because I would find myself going for it, but would hold back so I didn’t….however with every non vocal words….i’d force myself to write about it even when I didn’t want to….I felt like if I didn’t I was going to become angry with myself, due to the fact that I was holding it in.
It took a minute before I realized that, just because I can’t say it out loud just yet, doesn’t mean that I need to get upset with myself, I had to give permission and be okay with the fact that I use writing as a way of expressing what I have hard time saying out loud, not that I didn’t already know that, I mean it’s the reason I started this blog in the first place I needed something so I didn’t feel like I was holding everything in, so if writing is my way, then I have to accept that and remember it helps me to get my real feelings out, at the end of the day, I still try and so the more I try, the better I know I’ll become!
This month has also given me insight of what happens when you continue to hold yourself and take it from me if you can help it….do NOT wait too long….if you have something in your heart and on your mind constantly, don’t about too much, just go for it…..the longer you wait the more likely you are to lose it….I might’ve risked something extremely important to me and the fact that I always take forever on everything is one of my traits that I absolutely, I won’t say hate because that’s a strong word, even though I just kind of said it, but it’s one I really don’t like….although I understand…..it really does bother me….but the way I need to look at it is,
That part of it is done and has been like it for a while, but just because 1 road closes, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other back ways to take….so I need to be brave enough to go a different route, I’m not going to give up and although I know I haven’t been given up on…..I still feel like it’s my job to really do something this time around and not wait anymore, so however it’s going to play out….I need to allow it, because if I want to get there, no amount of words is going to get you there…..you have to be willing to really go for it, even if it does leave people upset with you, life doesn’t wait, so you have to not be scared to do what it is you want, you have to show yourself that you can do it and that you will, otherwise you’re going to be there waiting forever!
So I just hope that I didn’t lose that chance to proving myself and going after something that’s important to me, other then that, that’s everything I needed to say for this month….hopefully you all had a good month to May!
All The Love ❤ ❤ ❤