Written Sept 22, 2019

In the distance there you are, I try to get near, but your still so far, I call your name, but there’s no answer, sometimes I wish there was an answer. I sit alone, in hopes you’ll arrive, but deep down I know, i’m still just alone…..I pretend not hearing from you doesn’t bother me, but it always does when I think on the fact that I won’t ever hear from you.

I’ll admit i’m not good with coping with these kind of things, I try to forget it to keep the hurt from coming back up, but it only works for so long. I’m a little lost on a lot of things if you can tell, i’m trying so hard to sort through it all, i’m just not sure if i’m doing okay with it though, trying to keep these emotions intact is the hardest thing to do.

Everything is just everywhere and all i’ve been trying to do is fix it somehow, but I feel i’m bad when it comes to fixing things….I blame myself for a lot of things, that I know I probably shouldn’t, but it’s just how I feel, every time I look back on what went wrong and why everything is the way it is now, I can’t help, but blame myself for it turning out that way.

I think we all find it easiest to blame ourselves even when we know it isn’t always necessarily our fault. Everything’s just a mess now and I don’t know in what way to clean it up, i’m trying to get myself out of being where I am, it’s fine looking to people to help you get through, but we all know that there’s nothing anyone can physically do to help, the rest comes from you, yourself and I know that….there’s no excuses about it that i’m trying to make here, I don’t want excuses, I just want to finally move forward without feeling all this stress all the time.

I wish I was able to talk to you, nothing seemed this bad when I did have you to talk to, I don’t though and i’m having to deal with that, it’s hard…..but I do my best. I’m not trying to ask for answers, i’m just needing a better push and some strength mentally and emotionally, I want my voice and words to come through clearly and be listened to and not continue to fall short. I want to mean what I say in terms of taking action, I don’t want to keep missing out, I also would like to follow my own voice for once without having everyone else’s voice come through.

No more influences trying to make me think a certain way because that’s what they think, I keep everyone’s thoughts in my head and I just want my own thoughts without the complicated, just simple. It’s hard to know what’s being heard and what’s not, but I just needed someone to talk to, you mainly, if you listened thanks and if not that’s okay, I managed to get it out in someway, even if it was just writing it out, at least it’s out of my head. Didn’t even know it was there to be honest…..

In the distance there you are, I managed to get near, but you were still so far, although I sit alone with the knowing you might not arrive, I still hold on to the hope that you’ll soon answer……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa