Just Needing To Chat….

Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Self care…..Part 2 (Oct 10, 2019)

I’ve already written a part one on the talks of self care, hence why you’re reading part 2, part 1 was more of a personal kind of talk, while this one will hopefully be talked about differently, in honor of World Mental Health Day, which is today (now yesterday) in case some of you didn’t know, don’t worry I actually didn’t know myself so if you forget or just genuinely wasn’t aware it’s okay, no worries, now my first write about self care isn’t up just yet, i’m still looking it over and reading it, it should be up before you see this though or you might see this one first and that one second,

I’ll try and keep it in order so it doesn’t get confusing, but I just wanted to let you know about that. I wanted to try and talk a little more about the importance of self care, because I don’t think people take it much into consideration and take it as serious as it should be, i’ve already stated in my first post how I have trouble with this, self caring isn’t really a big strong suit of mine, I find it weird, but i’ve realized how important it is to look after yourself. When it comes to self care, it’s surprisingly really difficult to keep yourself well, it shouldn’t be, but it is…..for some reason when it comes to our own well being, it’s a thought that is far from our minds, why!?

Well that’s a question that probably crosses our mind, yet it’s also a question that we tend to ignore if it does, now i’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what i’m talking about, because I don’t, I don’t really know much when it comes to self care, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you the ins and outs to it all, I’m actually just now learning about it properly myself, while having to adjust to it as well…..the only thing that I can say with it is,

As much as it may not seem like a big thing, it totally and definitely 100% percent is a big thing, most of us however ignore that fact and just continue to go about everything as if we can handle it all when in reality, that’s not always possible, we all have our breaking points and we all need a time and space to be able to just not deal with things for a bit, it’s well needed you know!? but in all seriousness, it is important to make sure you’re good and well, especially when dealing with mental health, I don’t think this can be expressed enough, people don’t think that mental health is a serious issue, but it really is, if you’re not well mentally, you won’t be able to be well in other aspects that are needed, everything starts with your mind.

If your mind is upside down and is just a complete mess, it’ll start to effect everything else around you as well, that’s why it’s important to make sure anything and everything that is within your headspace is filled with things that aren’t going to be harmful to you, easier said then done I know, believe me, I have a hard time keeping this in mind too, I struggle with Anxiety so my head is always being filled with so much it’s ridiculous!!

Some days are better than most, while on other days it tends to heighten and go into overload, it’s like having a whole lot of emails in your inbox and as you go through them all, you find most of what’s in your inbox, is just junk mail and so you go to delete them, but you realize you have a lot of junk mail then you know what to do with and you’re trying to figure out the best way to just get rid of it all, but you don’t know where to start and what’s actually important, so you’re just sitting there going through them all and although your concentrating hard on those emails, inside you’re freaking out and losing your mind just trying to get through it all.

The only thing with this email inbox is, it’s an everyday process and it seems like it keeps piling and piling and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it, but unfortunately it doesn’t go away, however it is maintainable, but it does come with some emotional and physical side effects…..

Sorry I think I went away from the topic for a bit, getting back on track, keeping your headspace clear from all things harmful and negative is a tough tasks to accomplish, it’s not impossible, it’s just hard. Anxiety though isn’t the only mental health issue that people deal with on a daily basis, people also struggle with depression, bi-polar disorders, eating disorders and so many other forms of mental health issues that’s out there……

Anxiety and depression are the most talked about in the mental health world, but those aren’t the only ones that people go through, it’s important to look at other issues just as much as we look at Depression and Anxiety, on the statistic outlook scale (hopefully that made sense) although they have different effects and are formed differently, they still connect in the same way, because they all stem from our emotions and thoughts.

It’s hard to wrap our heads around what causes some of us to have more of an effect then others when it comes to dealing with mental health, we all know it has to do with our brains and having some parts unlatched and disconnected from the rest of whatever is going on inside our brains, but when it comes to the science of it, it’s still a little complicated understanding fully, at least it’s one that i’m unable to explain properly to you guys.

But let’s not complicate things here, as much as I love and enjoyed science back in school, still enjoy it actually, also yes I know mental health is a more psychology related topic, then actual science, however you still use science with psychology i’m pretty sure, so it’s still in the same boat technically, don’t actually quote me on it though, because I know nothing alright.

Back to self care, because that’s what we were talking about here, it’s important to take care of yourself, plain and simple, I know it can be hard to take your focus away from everything and keep yourself from stressing and getting overwhelmed and that, but you have to know when to slow down and take a break at times so your able to function properly through the days, if you stop yourself from taking the time that you need to reboot and recharge you’ll end up crashing and breaking down to the point where you’ll find it extremely difficult to get back to where you left off…..

You don’t ever want to have it get to that point, so you have to try and keep a balance with everything, this coming from a girl where the word balance is nowhere near her daily vocabulary, it’s not even on a list, with that being said, self care is something we all have to try and practice, especially when it’s something that we aren’t really used to, it can be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean that it’s something not worth giving a chance, I mean it shouldn’t even be considered as an option, self care should be taken as an everyday kind of thing, but knowing how most of us operate……

We’re not always going to be able to look after ourselves the way we normally should, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still take care of ourselves. If we can’t commit to self care everyday, we should at least try and pick certain days throughout the week plus the weekend where we look at what we’re lacking or need improving on and do our best to work at that as much as we’re able to, so for example:

If you’re the type who struggles to relax or you don’t know how to, finding ways and practicing relaxation can help you to learn to take it easy a little bit more, plus it’ll keep your stress levels down while giving you the ability to clear away a good amount of headspace so your able to focus better.

This is something that I need to really practice a whole lot, because I don’t do that often, I would rather stress myself out then relax, that’s how much I give myself a break on things I feel I need to do better at, yeah…..but there’s a lot of ways to self care i’m sure and keep the chaos from becoming too chaotic, mental health and self care, should always go hand in hand, there should always be a balance between them, because without one, the other wouldn’t know what to do, so it helps to keep them together so that way you feel at ease, if not entirely, at least you know you’ll feel a little better with it.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Self care and Well other things…..(Oct 9, 2019)

Tell me, how does one actually self care!? This is a question that i’m sure most people wouldn’t ask right!? Yeah well this is me, asking genuinely, you see i’m not the greatest at self caring, relaxing isn’t really my strong suit and I just find it to be really weird focusing on just myself, i’m just not use to tending to my own needs and that, I tend to worry about everyone else’s before my own, it’s just how i’ve always been.

I know they say it’s important to take care of yourself, I mean how are you suppose to take care of others if you don’t look after yourself right!? It’s the same for when they say how are you suppose to love someone else, if you can’t love yourself!? The needs of others are important, but so are our own, and I think that we forget that sometimes, we get so focused on wanting to look after others, we forget to look after ourselves in the process.

You wouldn’t think self care to be so hard to do, but it’s actually pretty difficult to keep an eye on, especially when your the type who rarely focuses on themselves…..i’m the type who will put her focus into everyone else’s feelings, making sure they’re doing alright and never ever really take a step back and look at how i’m doing……sometimes you think you’re able to just run at full speed and not be bothered, but you shouldn’t and can’t spread yourself too thin, it’s not healthy and although most of us know that, we still end up doing it anyway and that’s because we don’t really know how to do anything else, that’s what happens when you care too much.

You give all this love and caring away, without leaving any for yourself and then you find yourself wondering why everything happened and why you aren’t happy and you don’t ever want to feel like that, you have to know when to think of yourself and say, i’m worn out, tired and I need to pick myself up and take a break to recharge myself.

It can hurt doing that, but sometimes you need to do that, you need to set a bit of boundary for people and let them know, i’m only human, I can only handle, but so much and I need you not to cross this line right here, it’s important to make sure people know that as well as being able to say no when you feel you aren’t up for something or just when you know you should, all of what i’m writing right now is something that I lack to do,

I’ll admit that, I think a good amount of us have trouble with this, it’s hard to think of yourself when you have all these responsibilities and people that you care about and all you want is to see them well and happy and you shouldn’t think of that as a bad thing, there’s nothing wrong with caring and wanting others to be happy, but it’s okay to also care about yourself as well and wanting your own happiness, if your not happy then you can’t share happiness with others and that’s important…

Something i’ve been learning is you can’t give out positivity if you yourself aren’t feeling positive, I used to be the most positive person around, always tried looking at the glass half full, always tried to help people and everything, but along the way, I guess I just stopped feeling that and now i’m having to really look at everything differently and it’s so hard. When it comes to what i’m doing in life, I don’t like to give myself a break, I stress so much and that’s me doing that to myself, I worry so much about everything and if I do something that I know is a step in the right direction, to me just because it isn’t a big big thing I won’t see as progress, even though it is,

It’s kinda like when you’re a kid and it’s Christmas day and you’re expecting this huge Christmas gift, but the gift that you receive is not what you expected so you’re kinda like “oh, well that’s cool” you’re happy, but you’re not happy you know what I mean!? I think we just expect everything to be this big thing and when it’s not quite like that, we’re left feeling a little down, disappointed or as if we’ve failed when in reality, we shouldn’t.

I know I probably went off track a little, i’m hoping everything makes sense, but what i’m trying to get at is just because things aren’t always instant doesn’t mean there isn’t anything great leading to it……and when it comes to self care one of the things that is important to remember is, not too be so hard on ourselves and to know that it’s okay to take our time with things if we know we need it, it’s okay not to be positive all the time, it’s okay to tell people hey, I need me time for a while so please just give me that and it’s especially okay to put yourself first at times, we shouldn’t feel selfish or bad in doing that, it’s important to balance it out I know, but if you feel you need to really get back to your good ole self, know you’re able to, without reason.

I don’t know much about self care, it’s a weird thing for me, but I am learning that it’s important in order to live happily and healthy, i’m finding it really difficult to really allow myself to worry about just myself and make sure that i’m okay before anything else, it’s going to take me a while to do that, but I am doing my best to work on that, I don’t ever say I need it, other people have to tell me I need to do that, which is sad, because you should already know what your needs are, but again it’s a difficult task at hand to get that in our heads on just how important it actually is, i’m still getting it through mine, because I worry too much on everything else going on.

I’m sure it’ll stick, it’s just going to take some time, but if someone ever tells you they need space to take care of themselves first, as much as you may care, you have to let them do that and while they’re doing that, you have to make sure you’re doing good as well, even if it’s hard, even if it’s weird, i’m pretty sure it’s worth it in the end.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Ramble Of Thoughts…..

When we step back and look at all that we’ve done, what do we hope to see when looking!? Are we looking at something great or something lack luster to what we hoped we’d see!? Pondering and analyzing everything that’s lend up to where we are, we sometimes don’t know how exactly to feel with everything at hand. Have we worked things out in the best way possible or did we just give up on something way too soon then we should’ve!?

We ask ourselves to where we are actually heading and why does it take so long to get there, when you look back and observe everything, all these emotions and thoughts just pour out in front of you and sometimes you can’t stop it from happening, you try and try not to let it overwhelm you and you do your best to ignore it all together, but because we’re human,

We find masking our emotions and turning off all our feelings and thoughts isn’t as easy nor simple as it seems and sometimes you wish you could just take all those feelings, emotions, thoughts and everything in between and just put them in a box, leave a few holes in it, because we aren’t that careless of discarding them without letting them breathe a little and just ship them away, far away, so we wouldn’t have to feel them so hard.

You think by doing that, things would be okay, but then you come to the realization that bits and pieces of all your emotions, thoughts and feelings were left behind and you’re right back at square one. Now you’re not just feeling one emotion, but you’ve got everything so mixed up and jumbled together that you don’t even know what to do with them anymore, you know you can’t just throw them away and forget about them forever, there’s always something that’ll have you be reminded of them……

Although you wish you could just un-feel everything and just have one emotion on auto-pilot, you know that that’s not happening, you’re pretty much saying you’d rather feel empty by doing that and you think “yeah” that doesn’t sound like a bad idea right!? Sure maybe, but it doesn’t mean that what’s happened and what’s happening is going to go away for good.

You maybe not feel, feel, but you still will if that makes any sense…..and that’ll be because there’s always something that’ll remind you, if the impact was big enough, the only difference is you’ll be without emotions dealing with it, which may be a little worst because you’ve prevented yourself from feeling to where now you feel nothing at all, numbing and suppressing everything you’ve ever felt, plus the feelings and emotions to come……

With everything just racing around and slowing down before you, all at the same time, it’s hard to really know how to feel, at first you feel everything and then you only feel a little, later everything decides to rush on back to you out of nowhere and then you find a different emotion appears.

It’s just all confusing, you’re feeling all these different things, that you don’t know how to deal, one minute you’re happy, the next sad, later you find yourself getting frustrated and angry, but then you’ll have a moment thinking to yourself on whether you should’ve even felt that way in the first place…..not only is your brain confused, but so is every part of you inside.

How we deal with all these mixture of emotions at times is beyond me, when they’re running separately, it’s manageable, because you know what you’re dealing with, so you’re able to find a way to work with them,

But when you’re having to deal with them all at once, you find yourself scrabbling to find the best way to keep them under control which just calls for a mess to be made and in those moments, you kinda just want to turn them off and keep yourself on auto pilot, especially when they come in heavy. That being said, as much as we’d like to, we can’t just turn off those emotions, the closest to not worrying about them would be to numb them all together, now what is numbing!? To numb is to not feel,

You numb to keep any kind of pain away that you may be feeling, to keep from dealing with it, but just because you aren’t feeling anything, doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything, that probably sounds confusing i’m sure…. when you don’t feel, you do in a way, it’s just a little different, your purposely trying not to feel and when you don’t feel, you can’t react.

At least not in a proper way, you still feel it though, no matter what you think and tell yourself, it’s just suppressed deep down. When you numb away everything and shut off every emotion and thought possible, you’re just pretending it doesn’t exist and that makes you feel more without having to actually feel and what I mean with that is, just because everything else is closed off, doesn’t take away the fact that, you’re still holding on to an emotion, it’s just being kept on one level, you can’t react if you don’t know how and so you keep yourself in a neutral state to help you function.

Which is understandable, we all know that sometimes it gets too much and if helps to numb an emotion for a period of time then why not!? but to turn it off completely that’s something you never want to do, you want to be able to feel something and if you can’t, it kinda beats the whole purpose of being human doesn’t it!?!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Never Mind……

I messaged yesterday after not replying for a few days, in that message I asked if we could speak sometime soon, it took me a while to actually ask that question, every time I went to write back to you that was one of the main questions I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve, I did in the end and also explained how I understood everything that you wrote back to me……after I sent my message back, I went over in my head on whether sending you that message was good or not, i’m not sure if you read my message back or if it was left discarded, thinking back on it now,

Maybe I should’ve just left it……maybe I shouldn’t have continued on knowing I already knew what you were trying to do, I can’t help, but leave things alone I guess, I was just hoping we could speak you know!? But maybe that was a stupid idea……I haven’t checked to see if you did see it, normally I would, but I just left it this time…..I saw a post on where you asked what’s the actual point, I didn’t know what you mean’t,

I thought maybe it was about all of this, but last time I thought something, it wasn’t actually confirmed…..you know sometimes I wish I could just let things be and not bother so much about it…..I just always have the need to keep on pushing, you’d think persistence would be a good thing, but I guess it’s not always, sometimes it’s better to let things be, kinda like the Beatles song, I know you don’t like old songs much, but you know I always have to make a comparison to some kind of song, I can’t help it…..

My mind is asking me why i’m even writing this, I don’t know, I guess a part of me thinks that you’ll see this way better than you would if I just messaged you, I feel this is the only way i’m able to actually speak to you in way, even though I know there isn’t much talking be heard back.

I need to leave it alone don’t I!? I should leave it alone, all this does is make me seem and sound pretty needy, plus desperate if i’m being honest, cause who doesn’t love that right!? I just miss you, whether that’s I should or not isn’t a question, because I do, even though we haven’t spoken for over a week and counting, you’d think that I wouldn’t be bothered as much and i’d just be used to it by now, but….i’m not, because every time it gets close to the time we’d normally speak, I still have that hope that we will,

but then the time goes and we haven’t….I shouldn’t expect it, but I do and I know I need to let it be, you already explained you’re reasoning twice and here I am, focused on wanting us to speak, but that’s not what’s important, focusing is and keeping focused as well on where you’re wanting to go……why can’t I just leave this alone!?

You say things won’t change because they haven’t and never will, but I still think they can, maybe that’s stupid, but so be it, I still have hope with it, maybe I should just throw away the hope, but I can’t, because I still believe in us, maybe that’s wrong, but my heart doesn’t want to let it go…….

I want to say never mind on the message, that’s what I originally planned on writing out, but at the same time I don’t, because I want to talk to you and I can go and forget it, but it’s not that easy, however i’m not going to force it, if you want to talk and I mean properly talk, I have to let you do so when you want to, if you ever want to…..again this is probably stupid to even write all of this, because I know you’re focusing and not wanting to be distracted dealing with drama and everything in between.

What am I doing!? look whether you see this or not, just never mind all of this writing…..i’m just writing out of missing you and just wanting to hear from you, this is stupid……I just hope you’re well and doing alright, I proud of you by the way, always am and really happy for you, I saw the photo earlier you posted, i’m sure you’re doing a very great job with the team….

I hope they’re having a good time learning from you……i’m going to stop writing now, despite all I said in this, I really do hope you’re doing well, I still will want to always hear from you, that’ll never change, but if I don’t i’ll try and continue on dealing in the best way, none of this is to make you look bad or anything like that by the way, I don’t know if that’s what you think or not, but i’m just writing this because it’s the only way I know how to cope with not talking to you like I normally would, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but just know i’m always going to secretly want you to…..

Anyway, I love you always and miss you always too!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

1pm Conversation….

Written Sept 22, 2019

In the distance there you are, I try to get near, but your still so far, I call your name, but there’s no answer, sometimes I wish there was an answer. I sit alone, in hopes you’ll arrive, but deep down I know, i’m still just alone…..I pretend not hearing from you doesn’t bother me, but it always does when I think on the fact that I won’t ever hear from you.

I’ll admit i’m not good with coping with these kind of things, I try to forget it to keep the hurt from coming back up, but it only works for so long. I’m a little lost on a lot of things if you can tell, i’m trying so hard to sort through it all, i’m just not sure if i’m doing okay with it though, trying to keep these emotions intact is the hardest thing to do.

Everything is just everywhere and all i’ve been trying to do is fix it somehow, but I feel i’m bad when it comes to fixing things….I blame myself for a lot of things, that I know I probably shouldn’t, but it’s just how I feel, every time I look back on what went wrong and why everything is the way it is now, I can’t help, but blame myself for it turning out that way.

I think we all find it easiest to blame ourselves even when we know it isn’t always necessarily our fault. Everything’s just a mess now and I don’t know in what way to clean it up, i’m trying to get myself out of being where I am, it’s fine looking to people to help you get through, but we all know that there’s nothing anyone can physically do to help, the rest comes from you, yourself and I know that….there’s no excuses about it that i’m trying to make here, I don’t want excuses, I just want to finally move forward without feeling all this stress all the time.

I wish I was able to talk to you, nothing seemed this bad when I did have you to talk to, I don’t though and i’m having to deal with that, it’s hard…..but I do my best. I’m not trying to ask for answers, i’m just needing a better push and some strength mentally and emotionally, I want my voice and words to come through clearly and be listened to and not continue to fall short. I want to mean what I say in terms of taking action, I don’t want to keep missing out, I also would like to follow my own voice for once without having everyone else’s voice come through.

No more influences trying to make me think a certain way because that’s what they think, I keep everyone’s thoughts in my head and I just want my own thoughts without the complicated, just simple. It’s hard to know what’s being heard and what’s not, but I just needed someone to talk to, you mainly, if you listened thanks and if not that’s okay, I managed to get it out in someway, even if it was just writing it out, at least it’s out of my head. Didn’t even know it was there to be honest…..

In the distance there you are, I managed to get near, but you were still so far, although I sit alone with the knowing you might not arrive, I still hold on to the hope that you’ll soon answer……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Careers….(Part 1)

You wouldn’t think they’d be hard to decide on, but when you’ve come to a point in your life where you still haven’t decided on where you would like to go on the career topic, you’ll find you start to become much more stressed out about it. I’ve been back and forth trying to decide where I might want to head and i’m still thinking about it, I can never seem to make up my mind when it comes deciding anything really……

You may think you have something in mind, but you realize just how tough it really is trying to figure out just what you might want to get into as a career, it seems simple, but the more you really look into it, your calmness meter starts to decrease and your stress meter starts to increase, followed by your frustration meter and you get the drift of it i’m sure.

It really shouldn’t be all that hard to decide, you pick something you enjoy and go for that right!? Wrong, just so wrong……we enjoy a lot of things and that can make choosing something extremely hard when it comes to a lifetime career, there are things we enjoy most and there are things we enjoy a certain amount.

Trying to choose out of all the things we enjoy, is like being back on a school playground trying to decide who should be “it” in a game of tag or hide and seek. For those who aren’t quite sure what I mean, i’m talking playing eenie, meenie to choose who you want to be “it” before you actually get to the game, it’s pretty much stalling and delaying, I mean let’s face it no one liked being IT in those games and if you did like having to find everyone in hide and seek or you enjoyed chasing after people when playing tag, then I don’t know, maybe you were just a different kind of species, kidding ha!!

Okay, maybe choosing a career isn’t quite like a game of hide and seek or tag, i’m most likely exaggerating that part, but it’s just so stressful!! Going back to the playground days, when your a kid, you have in mind all these things you find cool that you might want to be, it’s kinda where it all starts really, something catches your interest, you become fascinated by it and that’s what you want to be, as a kid you’re fascinated by everything!!

Being asked “what you would like to be when you’re older” makes it feel as though you’re expected to give an answer and that’s where the first pressures tend to arise, although your just a kid, you still have this feeling as though you have to answer that daunting question (hopefully I used daunting in a correct way) so you kinda just go with something that seems interesting in that moment. I mean you’re a kid so you kinda just throw anything out there that is part of an interest of yours, but the older you get,

The more your interests start to change and that can cause a bit of frustration when you thought you had something in mind, but later discover that what you thought you wanted to be was something you weren’t even quite sure about to begin with, you just felt you had to answer.

Once you’ve reached a good age where you should be in a certain position and you see you aren’t there, that’s where the frustration continues to grow because out of all the things you enjoyed, not one of them stood out to where it made you want to continue on with it for a long time and make it into a career and you think to yourself “you waited this long to start thinking about a career” you add to the pressure that you already feel, unsure of a clear direction or career and with that you feel a little defeated.

You know you went so long without deciding what it was you wanted to do and although you know it’s not too late and that you can still figure it out, you still have that frustration inside you, being an adult and not having decided on a career is the most stressful thing to deal with.

And it’s not just the dealing, it’s the emotions that come along with it as well, you want to start something, but not just for the sake of it, you want something to look forward to, something that’s going to have you unable to wait to get started, you want a career that you don’t mind getting stressed about because it means that much to you that you want it to be right…..

P.S. I wrote this post a few days ago, i’m not really sure whether to post this or not, I think I might, but even when I do, i’m still going to feel unsure about it the moment it’s up. When it comes to these kind of writes, I try to avoid sharing them because they tend to come out of a place of stress and frustration, but I guess sometimes it’s okay if they do.

I don’t think i’m finished talking about this topic, so for now i’ve added it as a part 1 post, suggesting there’s going to be another part on it, the second part will come from a different mood stand point, it’s also quite long so i’m going to have to try and shorten it someway, but keep an eye out for it!!

You might see it later today or sometime this upcoming week, not sure on the posting schedule of it quite yet, but you’ll see it, for now I hope you’re all having a good day and you enjoyed your weekend.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa