I have a lot of feelings at the moment that I’m trying to hold in, I wish we didn’t always have to feel as though we need to be strong, It would be nice to just let emotions out without worrying everyone close to you or where you’re being questioned about it! Unfortunately though, that’s not possible…..if I was the kind of person to not be bothered with expressing my emotions, you’d always know what I was feeling, but I’m not that person, I only share my true feelings with those that I’m really close to and even then am I wary of that…..I don’t do well with my emotions, it’s hard for me to really say what I mean without my eyes being overflown with water trying to escape, for someone that’s an Earth sign, I sure got a lot of water in me!

I’m an emotional person and I guess that comes with being an Earth sign and feeling everything deeply, a lot of the time it’s more frustrating then anything, when you’re an emotional person like I am, you feel you always need to hide yourself, because being around others when you know that you may start having a breakdown or just randomly start bursting into tears is anxiety inducing then being someone whose always angry…..I always feel I need to go somewhere that will allow me to just be at my most vulnerable, somewhere that’s quiet and won’t judge me for feeling the way I do and allow me to just let that side of me out!

I guess that’s why I love nature so much because I can be me regardless to what feelings I’m feeling! You don’t ever have to worry about hurting someone or lie to people about being fine when you’re actually not! It’d be good to actually be able to not care, but when you’re someone who cares deeply about everything, you’ll realize that not caring isn’t apart of your nature nor vocabulary…..I can say I don’t care, but inside that’s not how I actually feel, I care even when I try not! It’s the people that care too much that always feels the most and that find themselves getting caught in shit that they weren’t even supposed to be around for…..

You can have the most tough exterior known to man, but if you have just a hint of that nature side to you, just a hint of empathy…..no amount of armor can keep you from hiding away from your emotional side…you can keep it calm yeah, but there’s only so much you can do before you find yourself getting overwhelmed and watching as the tide slowly start coming over you and once that happens…..there’s nothing you can do to stop it because whether you want it to or not, it will hit you and force you to observe that emotion and if you don’t observe it then it’ll keep hitting you until you end up accepting it and allow it to happen or just watch yourself drown from those emotions constantly!

It’s a lose/win/lose battle here, lose because everyone can almost always see it and you can’t really hide, win because you’re letting those feelings out and allowing them to be seen for what they are, which is always important, but it’s a losing battle because it’s something that is unavoidable, something that no matter how hard you try to put in the back of your mind, it will always find a way to make you see it, be it by just nudging you or giving you a whole wave of it just so you can’t ignore what’s really rising under the surface!

I want to be the one to say I’m okay, but I wrote this post for a reason even though it took a lot in me to keep my emotions at bay, but in reality the truth of the matter is I’m sad, but I don’t want anyone to know, yet here I am writing about it and talking about emotions! I’m full of nerves, because I’m feeling emotional and I’m frustrated because I know that although I’m fine at the moment, my emotional side will show it’s face again and because I know myself on that aspect it’s going to be hard to calm it down when it does get too overwhelming for me…..

Just to clarify, this is my way of acknowledging my emotions and being aware to the way I’ve been feeling today, I haven’t cried yet, which is good for me, I’ve come close to it quiet a few times while I was writing all of this, but I’m trying to keep the calm as best as I can, it’s been really hard though and although I’ve just written about being emotional and everything, I’m not going to talk about why, because that’s personal and I’ve not written this for it to make anyone feel a certain way, I just honestly needed to write this out because it was the only way I could get my words/thoughts out without it sounding weird!

I may be able to express on my feelings a lot better vocally, but I always feel when I write it down, it helps me to understand my own thoughts better and keeps me from worrying about whether I’ve said everything all right (Not saying I don’t still worry, it’s a habit that is hard to shake sometimes) but the fact that I was able to write this out, it helps me to feel a little better…..sorta

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa