My (Unofficial) Blogmas Experience…..

Update: I wrote this within another post of mine that I wrote yesterday, but I decided to make it into it’s own post, I added in some new things and removed some unwanted stuff out, should’ve done it yesterday, but I didn’t think, okay I did, but also didn’t, I hope you enjoy and happy holidays as well!!

So blogmas is now over, I think, was I only supposed to write up until Christmas!? That’s how it goes right!? not sure, either way I think I made it through blogmas, yesterday was the last day for it, not sure how I did or if I did it correctly, but hopefully I did decent, these blogging challenges are quite the mystery to me still, even when they are straight forward……

One thing i’ve gathered from trying this out is, well for one it’s not that easy, there was a fews times where I had nothing to bring to you guys that was interesting…..but I gotta say i’m happy and quite pleased knowing that I gave it a shot and made myself write something everyday.

Even if it was just one post a day and most of the time, I would express how I was blank out of ideas in a few of my posts, there were also somedays where I didn’t always have the energy to want to write, but that all being said it was an experience that was fun……..when I had something to write about, now it wasn’t too stressful, but there were times where I would start to get a little frustrated, not because of having to make a deadline or anything like that, it was more not always having inspiration.

As I once shared, I tend to write with random things in mind and go based off feeling or what I have in my head and if I have nothing that’s where the frustration starts to come in with blogmas, i’ve learned that you need to have some creativity and also a map of of ideas at times, that way when you do run into a dead end of an empty box of ideas, you have something to use as backup you know, you’re not always going to have topics come to you.

Sometimes you’ll need to have something in advance, at the same time however……I liked not always knowing what I was going to write and instead needing to improvise, now did always have the greatest improvisations!? Nooo, not really, but when I did, I enjoyed writing!!

It was nice being able to share something that maybe not many people talked about before, not sure if I was meant to stay within the holiday season of it, if I was, well then I don’t think I did it all that right, but who says you can’t share and write about non Christmas related topics, during blogmas, i’m sure you can write about anything really!?

Maybe i’ll just title this post my unofficial blogmas experience, if anyone ask, there was free trial, so I signed up just to see, not really grasping the whole concept of it…..i’m pretty sure you’re just meant to write up until Christmas right!? There weren’t any special memos I missed riiight!?

Overall, blogmas was alright, there were moments where I felt it was pretty good and other times where I probably could’ve been a bit more creative i’ll admit, but I kinda liked it, it was my first time trying it out, will I do this again!? I don’t know, maybe, I might have to keep a notepad by me just in case, while also maybe doing a bit of research on how to blogmas properly.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

I've Drawn A Blank….

I literally have nothing to write about today, I tried coming up with something earlier and by earlier I mean around the afternoon, sorta late afternoon to be exact and I just ended up making two new doodles while listening to ambient space meditation music, I went through a few before choosing the one i’ve been listening to these past few days….

That really wasn’t important, but I just felt like saying it, also is it okay to say how I have a hard time getting comfortable these days!? because it’s true……you can’t see it, but i’m beginning to feel a little frustrated right now, you know it’s bad when you realize you’re giving yourself a headache.

I’d love to give you guys a great post or at least somewhat interesting in a way, but I seriously have nothing that is interesting to share or give you, i’m really sorry about that…..hopefully tomorrow’s post isn’t so short.

Blogmas is starting to be a little harder than I thought……

P.S. I will share one of my doodles for you guys tomorrow once i’ve finished outlining them, I still need to color a lot of them, I just have really decided on any colors for them yet…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Just Needing To Chat….

Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Is It Alright To Not Have A Direction And Know Where You’re Going!?……

Yes, we’re back on the topic of careers again…..the good news to this is haven’t stressed myself out thinking too much on about this in a while, I have still thought about it however and when I do, I still get frustrated trying to figure it out, but i’ve been calmer about it as much as possible lately, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that i’m still wanting to figure it out.

Some say you have to stay focus and really look for it, while others may say not to worry so much and let it come to you, which advice do you follow I don’t know, all I know is when i’m focusing so much on it, I get super stressed and frustrated and when I focus less on it, I still get frustrated and stress about it because then I feel like i’m just not doing anything, it’s like there can never be a balance, unless you’re counting always getting frustrated and stressed, then yeah there’s a nice balance there.

Seriously though, it really does mess with you when you know you want to get somewhere and are really wanting to do something with yourself, but without a clear direction it’s hard to know where exactly you’re supposed to be heading, sometimes you feel you’re just wandering about aimlessly because you’re still unsure of what you would like to do…….the amount of times i’ve talked about not being the planning type is probably a lot.

Don’t worry i’m not going on that walk, it’s just a small amount of frustration and wonder, I really don’t know where i’m going and in what direction i’m heading towards and so it’s a little stressful because I do want to know, i’d like to see where i’m going a bit, normally I would just enjoy the scenery and not worry about it so much, but this time around, although the patience is still there, so is the impatience of it and it’s kinda in the lead over the patience right now and it just drives me a little mad, because I don’t know where i’m heading and I don’t know where to go…….

Right now i’m just doing this, whatever this is, at least I have you guys and this blog to keep me at bay until I run into something, some people are able to just go and never stop, because they already have an idea or are already doing what they set out to do and then you have people like me who can’t help, but continuously wander, because they either just don’t know or they’re actually enjoying themselves, I can’t speak for all wanderers,

but for this wanderer she’s just really hoping that she gets somewhere so she can stop worrying so much about it, will she!? Probably not, but she’s not going to stop wandering now, we’ve wandered this far and it got us here to where we’re now blogging about it, which is good so we can’t be that far to figuring out just where we’re actually heading, in the meantime, I guess we gotta keep looking towards the scenery, *big sigh* alrighty then.

I gotta say, i’m feeling a little anxious now, but that’s probably just my nerves and me worrying a little, I know i’ll get to where i’m suppose to soon enough and that things will be alright, it’s just the whole “when” but worrying too much on that will cause stress and i’ve been trying to keep from doing that lately, when your busy and on roll, it doesn’t bother you, it’s only when you’ve sat down and are thinking too much to where it’ll start to become a nuisance is all, but patience and not giving up can help.

P.s. I wrote this post I believe yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it until now, these are just some thought of mine is all…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Careers….(Part 1)

You wouldn’t think they’d be hard to decide on, but when you’ve come to a point in your life where you still haven’t decided on where you would like to go on the career topic, you’ll find you start to become much more stressed out about it. I’ve been back and forth trying to decide where I might want to head and i’m still thinking about it, I can never seem to make up my mind when it comes deciding anything really……

You may think you have something in mind, but you realize just how tough it really is trying to figure out just what you might want to get into as a career, it seems simple, but the more you really look into it, your calmness meter starts to decrease and your stress meter starts to increase, followed by your frustration meter and you get the drift of it i’m sure.

It really shouldn’t be all that hard to decide, you pick something you enjoy and go for that right!? Wrong, just so wrong……we enjoy a lot of things and that can make choosing something extremely hard when it comes to a lifetime career, there are things we enjoy most and there are things we enjoy a certain amount.

Trying to choose out of all the things we enjoy, is like being back on a school playground trying to decide who should be “it” in a game of tag or hide and seek. For those who aren’t quite sure what I mean, i’m talking playing eenie, meenie to choose who you want to be “it” before you actually get to the game, it’s pretty much stalling and delaying, I mean let’s face it no one liked being IT in those games and if you did like having to find everyone in hide and seek or you enjoyed chasing after people when playing tag, then I don’t know, maybe you were just a different kind of species, kidding ha!!

Okay, maybe choosing a career isn’t quite like a game of hide and seek or tag, i’m most likely exaggerating that part, but it’s just so stressful!! Going back to the playground days, when your a kid, you have in mind all these things you find cool that you might want to be, it’s kinda where it all starts really, something catches your interest, you become fascinated by it and that’s what you want to be, as a kid you’re fascinated by everything!!

Being asked “what you would like to be when you’re older” makes it feel as though you’re expected to give an answer and that’s where the first pressures tend to arise, although your just a kid, you still have this feeling as though you have to answer that daunting question (hopefully I used daunting in a correct way) so you kinda just go with something that seems interesting in that moment. I mean you’re a kid so you kinda just throw anything out there that is part of an interest of yours, but the older you get,

The more your interests start to change and that can cause a bit of frustration when you thought you had something in mind, but later discover that what you thought you wanted to be was something you weren’t even quite sure about to begin with, you just felt you had to answer.

Once you’ve reached a good age where you should be in a certain position and you see you aren’t there, that’s where the frustration continues to grow because out of all the things you enjoyed, not one of them stood out to where it made you want to continue on with it for a long time and make it into a career and you think to yourself “you waited this long to start thinking about a career” you add to the pressure that you already feel, unsure of a clear direction or career and with that you feel a little defeated.

You know you went so long without deciding what it was you wanted to do and although you know it’s not too late and that you can still figure it out, you still have that frustration inside you, being an adult and not having decided on a career is the most stressful thing to deal with.

And it’s not just the dealing, it’s the emotions that come along with it as well, you want to start something, but not just for the sake of it, you want something to look forward to, something that’s going to have you unable to wait to get started, you want a career that you don’t mind getting stressed about because it means that much to you that you want it to be right…..

P.S. I wrote this post a few days ago, i’m not really sure whether to post this or not, I think I might, but even when I do, i’m still going to feel unsure about it the moment it’s up. When it comes to these kind of writes, I try to avoid sharing them because they tend to come out of a place of stress and frustration, but I guess sometimes it’s okay if they do.

I don’t think i’m finished talking about this topic, so for now i’ve added it as a part 1 post, suggesting there’s going to be another part on it, the second part will come from a different mood stand point, it’s also quite long so i’m going to have to try and shorten it someway, but keep an eye out for it!!

You might see it later today or sometime this upcoming week, not sure on the posting schedule of it quite yet, but you’ll see it, for now I hope you’re all having a good day and you enjoyed your weekend.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Writing Prompt: Write About Yourself

Objective: Describe yourself, surroundings, frame of mind and emotional state, but try and write it in a third person point of you (he/she not I or me)

She wakes up to a repeated routine, washing dishes, making coffee with toast and then sits on her bed in the center of the room. She grabs a few journals from her bookcase, adds a little background noise and tries her best to look busy when deciding on what she can write about in a journal.

Her mind soon starts wandering, thinking on how she should be more productive then this. Feelings of guilt and stress come over her, making the situation look like a good place to sulk and and sit in self-pity, she tries to come up with solutions that could help her to move forward, but she lets herself think of outcomes to trying, letting in the Anxiety and giving her an excuse to not go fourth with it, knowing full well it wasn’t a good one.

She asks herself questions, that she already has the answers to, asking people for advice and tips, hoping that this time she’ll finally put them into actions herself, without the need of guidance. She locks herself away and forces herself to stay where she is, even though she knows it’s not where she wants to be, she glances outside her window, watching everyone’s life inattentive of her own, as she sees it as better. Deep in thought,

She wonders how it got so bad, but only she would know the true answer to that, it was her that held back, allowing herself to fall behind when all she had to do was try harder, she allowed her head to get the best of her in moving forward, underestimating herself and believing she wasn’t good enough. If only she would allow herself to be confident and trust in the abilities that she possesses, instead of questioning and second guessing herself, things would change and be a little better, she just can’t bring herself to believe she has it in her to do so, why you might ask!?

Fear, it’s fear that keeps her hidden, it’s the thought of being judged and feeling as if she won’t fit in wherever she goes, that she’ll feel too out of place. It’s the worry that whatever she does, won’t be good enough, those fears have always been there, but it’s not until now that they’ve started slowly coming to the surface, not fitting in never really bothered her before, but now it ends up in the back of her mind at times, those fears need to go if she wants to get anywhere and even she herself knows it’s time to move.

P.S. I hope I did this whole writing prompt right, I found this creative writing prompt website last night, okay I searched for it more like, I was curious and wanted to see what kind of prompts there were so I could try my hand at it, there were quite a few, I might try out another one, this one was fun, it actually made writing a little less intimidating….

If you would like to give it a try as well, the link is here: Creative Writing Prompts there’s other prompts on there as well if you prefer to do a different one, it’s good writing practice, at least that’s what I think prompts are for, I don’t really do them all that often ha. Hope you enjoy!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Reading Between The Lines….(July 27, 2019)

Sometimes the things we say, are misinterpreted or aren’t as direct as we’d like them to be, even when the things we may be saying are literally said to be direct and taken in properly, does that make sense!? I hope so……

In case you’re still confused to what I mean with that well, no worries, i’ll try and explain it in the best way that I can……as the title says reading between the lines…..what does that mean you might wonder or maybe you know exactly what it means……

The way I see it, is when you’re being told something or you say something to someone else or maybe you’re reading something (I know that’s a lot of somethings in one sentence…..sorry….) that has a specific, message, advice or maybe even someth……I mean, maybe there’s a thing that you wouldn’t see as important, but is important for you to know, even though it’s being presented in a subtle kind of way (I think I nailed that okay…..hopefully)

It doesn’t matter how much you may try and get someone to see what you mean or are trying to get them to understand, sometimes, it still gets overlooked and you could even say it directly to how you mean it, yet you’ll probably end up facepalming yourself because the understanding of it, is still unclear to them or you maybe even sometimes, which is frustrating!!

Just when you think you maybe getting through and everything is sorted and properly understood the way you wanted it to be…..it always ends up being just a little bit off the center in some sort……sometimes you may think screaming it out will help the understanding of it better, but that’s not always the case, when that happens you sometimes think, somethings missing and that maybe you didn’t say it clear enough even when you did…..

Am I making sense here, feel free to let me know if i’ve lost you…..

I don’t know how else to explain it or how else to get it to be clearer, i’ve tried all these different ways of expressing it, but I just don’t know if it’s actually being understood, it’s said to be, but it’s really not when, what is being said in regards of the problem within a situation keeps getting overlooked and avoided as not being important enough………

I mean I know there’s other things to it as well and i’m working on it to fix it this time around, because I know it’s becoming a big issue and I really don’t want it to continue being that way because it’s not really fair for it to be that way…….in order for things to move forward, you have to allow yourself to move forward in the way that you’re wanting to, which can be hard, but at the same time beneficial and good too……

Overall, here’s to hoping that the reading between the lines here sits in this time, otherwise we’re going to be reading the same chapter over and over and to tell you the truth, it got old a long while ago, a new and different chapter to read and enjoy would really be nice, hope you got all that……

So what’s some of your takes on reading between the lines, is it similar to my definition or is yours a bit different, feel free to share if you like!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~