The Heat & Rain Of May….(Monthly Talks)

Happy Sunday! As you may all already know, we’ve come to the last 2 days of the month of May and boy have a lot of things been happening this month, I’d like to say that, it’s been more eventful during the months of May then the other months that have gone by, but then again, every month has it’s moments, don’t you think!? I’m now 27 thanks to May and no my birthday is not today, it was earlier into the month, I don’t normally speak on when my birthday arrives, because I just don’t like to, let’s just say I’m not one to like too much spotlight on me!

I’d like to think my birthday was somewhat decent this year, I didn’t really do too much, but I did sorta enjoy myself leading up to my birthday…..I was kind of nervous and then it came and yeah I didn’t know what to feel, if i’m being honest I still don’t know what to feel…..it’s a little hard to believe that I’m already 27, but we all know that eventually we’ll just keep getting older even when we don’t actually feel it! If anyone is even curious at all to what I think, I feel that this month has taught me a lot, to explain it would be very difficult on my part, but if I had to try and put it into words the best way that I can…..one of the things May has had me really look at is, how ready you actually are, plus really seeing the kind of growth and transformation one has made…..

Does any of that makes sense!? I’m not sure, but I did say I would try and explain it the best way I could didn’t I, well that’s my way of explaining it, I felt a lot of emotions this month and excuse me for a moment because I’m going to do something I never actually do too often and that’s being honest with you all…..I like to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself usually because to express them out loud, is not only very and extremely difficult for me, but you might as well knowing everything about me! You see if I were to just say everything that’s in my heart and in my head….I think I would be in a lot of trouble because I know that there would be a hand full of people that would not be happy with me…

So as much as I struggle to keep everything under control and away from the mic when asked what it is you feel….I do my best to swallow all those things and keep them from escaping my mouth because I don’t know how else to do it, but I’d like to think I’ve improved at making people believe that it’s all good under the surface, but I’m also a little aware that people aren’t stupid and if my hunch is right then their able to sense something within me that I’m not saying, but are kind enough to not ask me unless I feel the need to want to talk about these things….little do they know, I’ll never be the one to go up to them and just say what it is i’m feeling.

It’s not something most people would admit, but it’s the truth…..the only way you’re going to get me to say what I’m thinking is knowing me extremely well, but take what I just said there with a pinch of salt because even though there are very few and I mean it very few that I can sit and genuinely speak to about my feelings without judgement or worry, I still won’t express myself to just anyone, not my family and sometimes not even my best friend and she’s my best friend….but I don’t like to talk about my feelings so I keep them to myself…..there’s only 1 person whose able to get me to say what I need to say without fail and that’s only because eventually I just tell on myself and let it out, but if I can help it….I won’t say a word!

I always feel whenever I do express myself, I wish I hadn’t, my emotions get too much for me and so when I am being honest about my feelings, it makes me feel as though it’s too much for other people and then I get upset with myself where I’m always thinking “I always say too much or write too much” and then I wish I could just take everything back into a vaccuum (or hoover is some places) it’s already hard for me to want to be open with some people and so when I do I always want to feel that it means something and is being understood properly and that I’m not just talking a load of rubbish shit and things like that…..but another thing that I’ve really tried soaking in this month is that, there are things that you have to be brave enough to say by yourself even if you find it hard to say out loud, you still should say it in the ways you do feel comfortable!

I know I’ve not written a lot these days and that’s because I was trying to challenge myself a bit, see if I could be open about specifics with just saying it, not by writing, but by actually saying it….spoiler…..it’s not really been vocalized too much and whenever I felt I failed to speak it out loud, I would get frustrated with myself because I would find myself going for it, but would hold back so I didn’t….however with every non vocal words….i’d force myself to write about it even when I didn’t want to….I felt like if I didn’t I was going to become angry with myself, due to the fact that I was holding it in.

It took a minute before I realized that, just because I can’t say it out loud just yet, doesn’t mean that I need to get upset with myself, I had to give permission and be okay with the fact that I use writing as a way of expressing what I have hard time saying out loud, not that I didn’t already know that, I mean it’s the reason I started this blog in the first place I needed something so I didn’t feel like I was holding everything in, so if writing is my way, then I have to accept that and remember it helps me to get my real feelings out, at the end of the day, I still try and so the more I try, the better I know I’ll become!

This month has also given me insight of what happens when you continue to hold yourself and take it from me if you can help it….do NOT wait too long….if you have something in your heart and on your mind constantly, don’t about too much, just go for it…..the longer you wait the more likely you are to lose it….I might’ve risked something extremely important to me and the fact that I always take forever on everything is one of my traits that I absolutely, I won’t say hate because that’s a strong word, even though I just kind of said it, but it’s one I really don’t like….although I understand…..it really does bother me….but the way I need to look at it is,

That part of it is done and has been like it for a while, but just because 1 road closes, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other back ways to take….so I need to be brave enough to go a different route, I’m not going to give up and although I know I haven’t been given up on…..I still feel like it’s my job to really do something this time around and not wait anymore, so however it’s going to play out….I need to allow it, because if I want to get there, no amount of words is going to get you there…..you have to be willing to really go for it, even if it does leave people upset with you, life doesn’t wait, so you have to not be scared to do what it is you want, you have to show yourself that you can do it and that you will, otherwise you’re going to be there waiting forever!

So I just hope that I didn’t lose that chance to proving myself and going after something that’s important to me, other then that, that’s everything I needed to say for this month….hopefully you all had a good month to May!

All The Love ❤ ❤ ❤

Lexa

How To Title A Post That’s Filled With Emotions…

I have a lot of feelings at the moment that I’m trying to hold in, I wish we didn’t always have to feel as though we need to be strong, It would be nice to just let emotions out without worrying everyone close to you or where you’re being questioned about it! Unfortunately though, that’s not possible…..if I was the kind of person to not be bothered with expressing my emotions, you’d always know what I was feeling, but I’m not that person, I only share my true feelings with those that I’m really close to and even then am I wary of that…..I don’t do well with my emotions, it’s hard for me to really say what I mean without my eyes being overflown with water trying to escape, for someone that’s an Earth sign, I sure got a lot of water in me!

I’m an emotional person and I guess that comes with being an Earth sign and feeling everything deeply, a lot of the time it’s more frustrating then anything, when you’re an emotional person like I am, you feel you always need to hide yourself, because being around others when you know that you may start having a breakdown or just randomly start bursting into tears is anxiety inducing then being someone whose always angry…..I always feel I need to go somewhere that will allow me to just be at my most vulnerable, somewhere that’s quiet and won’t judge me for feeling the way I do and allow me to just let that side of me out!

I guess that’s why I love nature so much because I can be me regardless to what feelings I’m feeling! You don’t ever have to worry about hurting someone or lie to people about being fine when you’re actually not! It’d be good to actually be able to not care, but when you’re someone who cares deeply about everything, you’ll realize that not caring isn’t apart of your nature nor vocabulary…..I can say I don’t care, but inside that’s not how I actually feel, I care even when I try not! It’s the people that care too much that always feels the most and that find themselves getting caught in shit that they weren’t even supposed to be around for…..

You can have the most tough exterior known to man, but if you have just a hint of that nature side to you, just a hint of empathy…..no amount of armor can keep you from hiding away from your emotional side…you can keep it calm yeah, but there’s only so much you can do before you find yourself getting overwhelmed and watching as the tide slowly start coming over you and once that happens…..there’s nothing you can do to stop it because whether you want it to or not, it will hit you and force you to observe that emotion and if you don’t observe it then it’ll keep hitting you until you end up accepting it and allow it to happen or just watch yourself drown from those emotions constantly!

It’s a lose/win/lose battle here, lose because everyone can almost always see it and you can’t really hide, win because you’re letting those feelings out and allowing them to be seen for what they are, which is always important, but it’s a losing battle because it’s something that is unavoidable, something that no matter how hard you try to put in the back of your mind, it will always find a way to make you see it, be it by just nudging you or giving you a whole wave of it just so you can’t ignore what’s really rising under the surface!

I want to be the one to say I’m okay, but I wrote this post for a reason even though it took a lot in me to keep my emotions at bay, but in reality the truth of the matter is I’m sad, but I don’t want anyone to know, yet here I am writing about it and talking about emotions! I’m full of nerves, because I’m feeling emotional and I’m frustrated because I know that although I’m fine at the moment, my emotional side will show it’s face again and because I know myself on that aspect it’s going to be hard to calm it down when it does get too overwhelming for me…..

Just to clarify, this is my way of acknowledging my emotions and being aware to the way I’ve been feeling today, I haven’t cried yet, which is good for me, I’ve come close to it quiet a few times while I was writing all of this, but I’m trying to keep the calm as best as I can, it’s been really hard though and although I’ve just written about being emotional and everything, I’m not going to talk about why, because that’s personal and I’ve not written this for it to make anyone feel a certain way, I just honestly needed to write this out because it was the only way I could get my words/thoughts out without it sounding weird!

I may be able to express on my feelings a lot better vocally, but I always feel when I write it down, it helps me to understand my own thoughts better and keeps me from worrying about whether I’ve said everything all right (Not saying I don’t still worry, it’s a habit that is hard to shake sometimes) but the fact that I was able to write this out, it helps me to feel a little better…..sorta

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

It’s A New Dawn, New Day, New Month! Well…..Almost…..

Anyone else feeling exhausted!? This month is nearly over and I can’t tell you how tired I am, I’ve not been able to really sleep properly for the past few days, I just started getting a little bit of sleep, not fully, but somewhat! I don’t know if it’s just me that’s been feeling that way though….all I know is I’m ready for a nice chill break! Last week….let’s not talk about it actually….weekend kind of similar, but it was fine! We’ve arrived half way through this week with it being Wednesday and we’re on the last few days of October with Halloween being this Sunday talk about crazy yeah!?

We’re coming to November next week, hard to believe, but it’s true! I want to say that I’m looking forward to the arrival of November, I mean I am, but I’m also just very nervous about it….I have this trip planned for next week and I just don’t know how to feel about it, really….I want to be excited about it, but I don’t know if I should approach it with caution or if I should just embrace it regardless to how I’ve been feeling lately!? November is usually one of my favorite months during the fall season, it’s the first time I’m not sure how to feel about it…..although I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it before either to be honest!?

I never really understood why that is!? Why it’s one my favorites is what I mean….I’ve just always been drawn to it, like if I had to pick a new month to switch my birthday on, it would be November! Now I’m not saying I don’t like May….I’m glad that I was born during the Spring time, May is actually one of my favorite months and no it has nothing to do with that fact that I was born during that month, I just always liked May, plus I always felt it made for a nice name!

I’m just saying there’s just something about November that I’ve always liked, I guess cause it’s one of the Autumn months and Autumn is my second favorite season, Spring being my main favorite, again nothing to do with my birthday! There’s so much to this season….fall is the season of change, sometimes good and sometimes not always…..but still we have no choice, but to just allow it even when we may not want to allow it….I mean you can’t change a season, the only way the weather can change is if it changes itself! Sounds similar to how us humans change huh!? Some times it comes naturally while other days it may be a little forced!

One thing I’ve learned though is how important change is, we all know change is inevitable, there are things that happen that we may not want to happen and it can leave us confused, as well as unsure about a lot of things! One minute things are good and one minute you feel it shift and you don’t know how to feel about it when that does happen, what I’m saying is Change is frustrating ha! I used to strongly dislike change, but later down the line, I started to be okay with it, because I knew that it was needed in order to grow and be who you felt yourself transforming into, sometimes it hard though and you don’t always know the ways you’re changing, you just know that things are different with it!

You feel different, the way you used to see things are different and you tend to notice that what once was….is no longer the same, at least what it used to be anyway and not a lot of people like that, nor can they handle it…..but as much as you may want it to be, not everything is going to be in our control! You have to let people do what they feel they need to do, you have to allow them to grow and figure out what it is they want for themselves, not what you want it to be! Not a lot of people get that though….but it’s very important that we do get that and understand it as well….

It may leave us not feeling the greatest, but when you deeply care and love someone, all you truly want is just for them to be happy and so it takes a lot of courage and maturity to say “Hey if this is what you want, I support you” You always want people to be the best they can be for themselves even if they stumble a bit, it all comes down to just letting them know that you’re always going to be there, no matter what their choices are or the mistakes they make along the way, that regardless you’re going to love them anyway! We’re always so quick to assume or judge and although it’s not how we may want it to go, it’s how life is in reality and that’s coming from someone that continues to learn that….but that has nothing to do with November, it’s just what I’ve been feeling this season to, well feel like!

I have hopes for November though and faith, I need something to hold on to and those two things have always been with me since I was old enough to remember, I’m just hoping for something good to come from and I’m hoping that thing to be what I truly believe in and have always believed in….

I took this one when I went Pumpkin picking….

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Pondering Of Emotions….

You ever feel a certain emotion, but you’re just too afraid to talk about that emotion!? Something in you wants to express truthfully to the feelings you feel, but you don’t instead you just ponder about whether or not to be expressive about it! That’s what I’m feeling right now, I know I’m having all these different emotions swimming around in my mind, but I can’t quite bring myself to talk about them and part of that reason is well I don’t like talking about how I actually feel, yet at the same time, I don’t ever know to express about, like I never know where to start, so I always find myself thinking on my emotions trying to gather some kind of words to start off….

For the past 2 days, I’ve been feeling very anxious, I could feel my anxiety jump a few levels too high to where I want them to be and whenever I get anxious I start overthinking and when I over think I go into a panic mode and then become very frustrated with how I’m feeling causing myself to later become emotional right after and I always do it and I always get mad myself for it, I know it’s something I shouldn’t be upset with myself for, but I still do!

I try not to think about it and by trying not think on it, I end up thinking on it more and then I become more frustrated on it, I got a lot of worries in me that I find hard to get rid of and I don’t know why exactly….but I know it doesn’t help to ignore the emotions or have them put away for another time, by not addressing the feelings that we find crowding us a little too much, we create more frustration within ourselves, we never really sit down and ask ourselves why we are feeling the way we are, when we feel them, we look away from them and try and distract ourselves with something else and when we feel them becoming more of a “too close step back a bit” feeling we start getting agitated by it.

We never feel like we’re allowed to feel the things we do, but the best way to handle those unpleasant emotions is to let them be, in a sense of when you feel them, let yourself feel them, don’t fight with them or push them to the side because then that creates more resistance when turning them away…..we have to tell ourselves that it’s okay to be uncomfortable with our not so great emotions, by accepting them, it makes it easier to let them go naturally without all the push backs and anger that we bring to ourselves because of them!

It’s okay to ask and question those emotions because it may help to get to the root of what is actually going on under the surface of it! If we can accept those good feeling moments where we are at our best, why can’t we do the same when we’re feeling at our worst!? There’s no good without the bad and no bad without the good, it’s all in the balance of it all, we need to feel like shit sometimes, we can’t always expect to feel like a bunch of happy dogs running around full of energy, sometimes we need to sit in a corner and just feel whatever it is we are feeling because that’s how we get over them, it’s how we start to feel better!

So if you were to ask me how I’ve been feeling…..I’m just a little Under Pressure at the moment, but I know eventually I’ll be alright! Hope all your days are going well!

P.S.

I only expressed on these emotions after watching a video last night, if you would like to watch that video, you can find it here: How To Control Your Anxiety (as an Empath)

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Hold Your Defenses…..and Judgements……

By keeping our defenses at bay we keep from allowing what could potentially cause some kind of harm from entering, meaning if we go and pull out our defenses too soon, we may accidentally expose ourselves to unwanted situations, just by unawarely stepping on an unnoticed land mine, lying around……we have to try and stand guard even when we may not agree on certain circumstances, if we don’t allow judgements to target our mind, than they can have no affect on our state of mind.

Meaning our defenses are safe from impulsive actions, it’s not about always giving a reaction or feeling the need to add an opinion to every little thing we seem to disagree upon, but by allowing the judgements to seep through like sap from an oak tree, we keep from enjoying the sweetness of the sap and instead put our focus on a more bitter taste, that is not really meant to be there, but is now, because we chose to keep our attention on what could’ve had less of an affect had we just thought it through a little.

Now this isn’t something we need to wrap ourselves in frustration with if we did happened to go on our first instinct and find that it may not have been the best reaction and only affected us in a negative way than what we may have initially intended, while in the process also plummeting our own energy in the not so best way…….when that happens, keep away the judgements towards yourself and instead try and regroup, by doing that we learn to settle the mind and bring it back from a stressful state instead of allowing it to fully go out of control, become aware of your thoughts within that moment, show patience towards yourself as you’re regrouping,

and just keep your focus centered and know that sometimes the battles we think of challenging, may not actually need to be challenged, standing ground doesn’t always mean going at the first attack and when you see judgement heading towards you, allow it, but try and keep the interaction at a minimum or don’t interact at all and keep your peace of mind at peace.

You don’t want to lose any energy that keeps you afloat, when you pass judgement or receive judgement, that energy then turns bitter causing drainage (again in the not best way) losing you to miss out on any enjoyment that you might’ve been looking forward to whether planned or not in the process, so when you feel your guard getting ready to jump on impulse or you feel a judgement coming along, remember to take a second look at it and choose that battle wisely before taking action (preserve the energy)

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Creatively Planning Ways To Be Productive,Well At Least That's The Title Anyway!!

How’s everyone doing, I hope you all had a good weekend and found a way to enjoy yourself in someway, I know everything’s a little crazy right now and we’re having to find ways to not only be preoccupied, but also productive as well, for some it might be a little hard and for others it’s not a problem, it can be a little challenging when finding ways to be productive especially when you know you’re not much of a productive planner type,

but sometimes that can be a good thing, because you’re now having to learn how to plan things out productively, but at the same time, if you’re not use to doing that it can be a little hard, because you may not know where to start even and it might leave you feeling frustrated, anxious or stressed out because of it…..but instead of getting ourselves all worked up about how we can be productive, we should calmly take a breath and try to reframe from stressing because that’s not really going to help us be productive,

well I mean not in the best way anyway…….sometimes it helps to use our creativity to come up with ideas, I mean to be fair our best ideas come to us when we’re not even thinking about them, most of them show up out of nowhere actually!! I think if we’re thinking too hard on it,

That’s where our mind goes blank, sometimes you just have to let the mind wander and see what it comes up with, you might get something good and you might get something that’s not that great, but at least you’d be able to add it to a list or something, I think when it comes to being productive,

It’s not about figure out ideas, but allowing our creativity to express itself in order for us to get those ideas!! You know come to think of it, maybe that’s what planning is too!? Who says planning has to be a serious matter, I mean sometimes it is, but other times we could also get a little creative with it,

It doesn’t always have to look like a blank list, guess that’s why people have those bullet journals and decorate it how they see fit, they’re always so interesting and it’s nice to see what kind of personality they bring to those journals…..but i’m getting off track here, productivity and planning can be creative too, if we just allow it to do so, if that makes any sense……

Even if we come up with just one idea, at least you know it’s getting there and even if it doesn’t sound like the greatest idea, giving it a go anyway may just surprise you, if we just allow ourselves to have a little fun with it, the ideas tend to find themselves and everything else circles in.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

My (Unofficial) Blogmas Experience…..

Update: I wrote this within another post of mine that I wrote yesterday, but I decided to make it into it’s own post, I added in some new things and removed some unwanted stuff out, should’ve done it yesterday, but I didn’t think, okay I did, but also didn’t, I hope you enjoy and happy holidays as well!!

So blogmas is now over, I think, was I only supposed to write up until Christmas!? That’s how it goes right!? not sure, either way I think I made it through blogmas, yesterday was the last day for it, not sure how I did or if I did it correctly, but hopefully I did decent, these blogging challenges are quite the mystery to me still, even when they are straight forward……

One thing i’ve gathered from trying this out is, well for one it’s not that easy, there was a fews times where I had nothing to bring to you guys that was interesting…..but I gotta say i’m happy and quite pleased knowing that I gave it a shot and made myself write something everyday.

Even if it was just one post a day and most of the time, I would express how I was blank out of ideas in a few of my posts, there were also somedays where I didn’t always have the energy to want to write, but that all being said it was an experience that was fun……..when I had something to write about, now it wasn’t too stressful, but there were times where I would start to get a little frustrated, not because of having to make a deadline or anything like that, it was more not always having inspiration.

As I once shared, I tend to write with random things in mind and go based off feeling or what I have in my head and if I have nothing that’s where the frustration starts to come in with blogmas, i’ve learned that you need to have some creativity and also a map of of ideas at times, that way when you do run into a dead end of an empty box of ideas, you have something to use as backup you know, you’re not always going to have topics come to you.

Sometimes you’ll need to have something in advance, at the same time however……I liked not always knowing what I was going to write and instead needing to improvise, now did always have the greatest improvisations!? Nooo, not really, but when I did, I enjoyed writing!!

It was nice being able to share something that maybe not many people talked about before, not sure if I was meant to stay within the holiday season of it, if I was, well then I don’t think I did it all that right, but who says you can’t share and write about non Christmas related topics, during blogmas, i’m sure you can write about anything really!?

Maybe i’ll just title this post my unofficial blogmas experience, if anyone ask, there was free trial, so I signed up just to see, not really grasping the whole concept of it…..i’m pretty sure you’re just meant to write up until Christmas right!? There weren’t any special memos I missed riiight!?

Overall, blogmas was alright, there were moments where I felt it was pretty good and other times where I probably could’ve been a bit more creative i’ll admit, but I kinda liked it, it was my first time trying it out, will I do this again!? I don’t know, maybe, I might have to keep a notepad by me just in case, while also maybe doing a bit of research on how to blogmas properly.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

I’ve Drawn A Blank….

I literally have nothing to write about today, I tried coming up with something earlier and by earlier I mean around the afternoon, sorta late afternoon to be exact and I just ended up making two new doodles while listening to ambient space meditation music, I went through a few before choosing the one i’ve been listening to these past few days….

That really wasn’t important, but I just felt like saying it, also is it okay to say how I have a hard time getting comfortable these days!? because it’s true……you can’t see it, but i’m beginning to feel a little frustrated right now, you know it’s bad when you realize you’re giving yourself a headache.

I’d love to give you guys a great post or at least somewhat interesting in a way, but I seriously have nothing that is interesting to share or give you, i’m really sorry about that…..hopefully tomorrow’s post isn’t so short.

Blogmas is starting to be a little harder than I thought……

P.S. I will share one of my doodles for you guys tomorrow once i’ve finished outlining them, I still need to color a lot of them, I just have really decided on any colors for them yet…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Just Needing To Chat….

Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Is It Alright To Not Have A Direction And Know Where You’re Going!?……

Yes, we’re back on the topic of careers again…..the good news to this is haven’t stressed myself out thinking too much on about this in a while, I have still thought about it however and when I do, I still get frustrated trying to figure it out, but i’ve been calmer about it as much as possible lately, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that i’m still wanting to figure it out.

Some say you have to stay focus and really look for it, while others may say not to worry so much and let it come to you, which advice do you follow I don’t know, all I know is when i’m focusing so much on it, I get super stressed and frustrated and when I focus less on it, I still get frustrated and stress about it because then I feel like i’m just not doing anything, it’s like there can never be a balance, unless you’re counting always getting frustrated and stressed, then yeah there’s a nice balance there.

Seriously though, it really does mess with you when you know you want to get somewhere and are really wanting to do something with yourself, but without a clear direction it’s hard to know where exactly you’re supposed to be heading, sometimes you feel you’re just wandering about aimlessly because you’re still unsure of what you would like to do…….the amount of times i’ve talked about not being the planning type is probably a lot.

Don’t worry i’m not going on that walk, it’s just a small amount of frustration and wonder, I really don’t know where i’m going and in what direction i’m heading towards and so it’s a little stressful because I do want to know, i’d like to see where i’m going a bit, normally I would just enjoy the scenery and not worry about it so much, but this time around, although the patience is still there, so is the impatience of it and it’s kinda in the lead over the patience right now and it just drives me a little mad, because I don’t know where i’m heading and I don’t know where to go…….

Right now i’m just doing this, whatever this is, at least I have you guys and this blog to keep me at bay until I run into something, some people are able to just go and never stop, because they already have an idea or are already doing what they set out to do and then you have people like me who can’t help, but continuously wander, because they either just don’t know or they’re actually enjoying themselves, I can’t speak for all wanderers,

but for this wanderer she’s just really hoping that she gets somewhere so she can stop worrying so much about it, will she!? Probably not, but she’s not going to stop wandering now, we’ve wandered this far and it got us here to where we’re now blogging about it, which is good so we can’t be that far to figuring out just where we’re actually heading, in the meantime, I guess we gotta keep looking towards the scenery, *big sigh* alrighty then.

I gotta say, i’m feeling a little anxious now, but that’s probably just my nerves and me worrying a little, I know i’ll get to where i’m suppose to soon enough and that things will be alright, it’s just the whole “when” but worrying too much on that will cause stress and i’ve been trying to keep from doing that lately, when your busy and on roll, it doesn’t bother you, it’s only when you’ve sat down and are thinking too much to where it’ll start to become a nuisance is all, but patience and not giving up can help.

P.s. I wrote this post I believe yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it until now, these are just some thought of mine is all…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa