Just Needing To Chat….

Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Just Chatting….(Oct 5, 2019)

Hey everyone, if that’s not the most standard way of a greeting you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what it right now, but since we said it, might as well continue going with it right!? I hope you’ve all been having a good weekend and doing well, I know I haven’t written in a few days, i’ve already checked that thought off my list so you guys don’t have to……I really don’t know what to talk about if i’m being completely honest here, I thought i’d just chat away if you don’t mind, sometimes you just need to do that, you know!?

This weeks been quite something I gotta say and I don’t know in what way to put it and when I say that, I mean more on whether it was in a good way or not….I guess it was okay, but at the same time, not, I really don’t know how to feel about these past few days, today’s been a mixture of feelings, it was alright, but not, like I really don’t know how to feel today, if I can say anything about today though it’s that i’ve been in thought mode,

but if i’m being honest, i’ve been that way these past few days, okay maybe a week or two, see, i’m everywhere I tell you!! I’ve been doing my best to keep focus and occupied and it’s worked, it’s only when i’ve stopped and i’m not focusing on something to keep my head from spiraling to where I start to go on a journey let’s just say, there’s a lot of things i’m feeling that it’s hard to pick one out of the bunch, I hate when that happens…..

Also I had this very weird dream last night, yeah I know random, but it’s true, I don’t even know where to begin to describe it, I only remember bits and pieces of it….let’s see, the setting was an odd setting, I think I was brought somewhere as like a helper of some sort I really don’t know, it seemed as though I was in some kind of institute or asylum maybe, at least that was the feel of it anyway, there were people in the place where I was who, i’m not really sure how to say it, but they were like patients pretty much, they weren’t fond of having company, I don’t remember much about the dream, but there was one part I remember kinda pretty well,

I was across from this girl, she very light skinned and had blond hair, I remember asking her, her name and she did not like that question and kinda started going away from me, she didn’t say words, but she made a sound, I then told her she didn’t have to tell me her name and she calmed down a bit, I then started getting closer to her to let her know I wasn’t trying to harm her or anything, I don’t think she thought I would harm her,

But from what I could remember she seemed unsure, at least that’s how i’m going to describe it anyway I think I was going for a hug of some sort, the last thing I remember was getting close to this random girl and then her turning and before I woke up it looked like she was going to bite me or something, it was like a weird vampire/zombie kind of situation,

It’s the only way I could explain it, I know this is weird dream to have, but it was a weird dream, I didn’t quite understand that one and i’ve had a lot of weird dreams before. I really don’t know what this post is about, I just kinda wanted to write something today since it’s been a few days, sorry if this ones very short and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,

If it helps i’ll add another random thing to this post and say that it’s midnight and i’m just having dinner and when I say dinner I mean just rice, reason I stepped out for a few hours I ended up coming back around 11 and yeah I made the quickest thing to have in my stomach before I go to sleep which will be soon, most likely around 12:30am of some sort,

Hopefully i’ll be able to sleep, i’m really tired, but sometimes it takes me a while to actually get to sleep and my minds been pretty preoccupied today so we’ll just see how the night goes in terms of catching some z’s and that, I should be okay, but I don’t know….I guess I should close off this post now,

I was going to write something else, but i’ll just save it for later on today, since it’s now Sunday, I hope you all have a very good night and that you all are doing well, speak to you soon.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Purpose….

They say we all have a purpose, but what if that purpose isn’t anything specific, say that purpose is just more on what we make of something or what we want to do with ourselves. Whenever we’re told “Your here for a purpose” it can make you feel as though your supposed to do something great, something BIG and that kind of thing can feel pretty stressful.

I mean what is this purpose we need to do and are we even doing it right!? These kind of questions can make you feel unsure of a lot of things, with the word purpose, when you look at it and say it, it seems important, it can make you feel as though you have to carry the world on your shoulder and be this unstoppable force to be reckon with, even though those are just sayings and are a metaphor, it still feels like a huge thing to do.

You think to yourself “Why do we see it as this wondrous thing and why do we care and try to live up to it?” When it comes to the word “Purpose” it’s intimidating to have to try and step up to something you have no clue to what it’s about or it’s true concept, the saying “we’re meant to be here”

Is also pretty intimidating, it pretty much goes hand in hand with the word purpose, both have this feeling of importance, like something is expected to where you have to follow some kind of mystery road and or path, yet it’s an unclear clue to what and where it actually is.

That all being said, I know that there are some things that have a specific purpose, some are useful and some useless and when I say useless, I mean it more on the side of not quite what you expected it to be, take some toys for example, some are very educational and quite useful and really fun, but then you have some toys that only do one thing and can end up being a little underwhelming/anticlimactic and not as fun, although you probably know not to get your hopes up with it, you kinda sorta do anyway.

You always kind of feel like it’s going to surprise you and do something extraordinary for some reason and when it doesn’t (as expected) it leaves you feeling pretty bummed out, but you knew it would do that, but it’s that hope that it might do something else, even though you know it’s not going to because it’s meant to be a one thing kind of toy, but you’re left there sighing to yourself, thinking “I guess I knew that’d happen” but on the other hand sometimes you’ll come across a toy, you think is a one purpose thing, but end up learning that sometimes it’ll have other useful uses to it, leaving you both mind blown and full of joy, which you gotta love, who knew right!?

Going back on track though and talking more life base of what we’re supposed to be doing and that, that kind of purpose can throw you for a loop and leave your head going in circles or wandering for days on end, making you think, if there is some kind of purpose and we are meant to be here, why do we have a hard time knowing what it is and what to do?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

2 Weeks Away, Almost 3….

How’s everyone doing these days, hope well!! Now I know what some of you are probably thinking, “Where have you been!?” and if you aren’t thinking that well then, that’s okay, but I will sorta explain why I haven’t written anything new for the past 2 to almost 3 weeks, I think the longest i’ve went not posting is about a few days maybe a week, this times a new record, we surpassed a week of not posting, can we get an hurrah!?

No i’m kidding, I haven’t posted on here for a reason, you see i’ve been away due to my brain thinking a lot mainly on where i’m going or want to go at least……there’s a lot of things that I haven’t really expressed on here, I might do that one day, not sure when exactly, but one day……

I still haven’t gained that much courage to do so just yet. Now even though I haven’t written and posted anything new on my blog in a good while, I have been still writing, just more handwriting then typing, i’m actually close to filling one of my journals, not quite finished, but it’s getting there i’d say.

So yeah, i’ve been trying to really think on what I want to do (career wise) this isn’t anything new really, it’s something that i’ve been switching back and forth with for a good while now, i’ve just been putting it off for a good amount of time and you know what that’s no one else’s fault but mine, you think you’re fine with something, but then realize you’re not.

So yeah there’s that for one……i’ve also been trying to get better at certain things…..still sorta working on that……i’m kinda feeling a bit of stress and pressure and that’s me doing that to myself because I really want to get somewhere and feel good about it, I mean we all do don’t we!?

There’s a lot let’s just say, but i’m doing my best to work it all out so I could move forward from where i’ve always been stood, if that makes sense!?

I must say this has got to be the most i’ve written in a while on here, which is surprising for some reason, because normally I write a lot, in my journals at least, i’m not sure how often i’ll be posting on here, I kinda purposely stepped away from here just so I can get my head straight and that, plus i’ve been wanting to make this blog better and i’m not sure in what way I want to do that, maybe it’ll be more personal or something, i’m not sure yet.

Hopefully it’ll all just happen naturally, but yeah that’s just a bit of an update I guess you can say, I don’t know what else to say, I hope you’re all doing well and having a good day sorry it’s taken me a few weeks to write, I kinda felt as though I didn’t have much to say so I didn’t, I have missed it though I won’t say I didn’t, i’m always on here believe it or not haha……

That’s all I have for now, but I will post something again soon, maybe not this week or maybe, who know, I might surprise you and post something one of these days or during the weekend, i’ll go based on if I feel I want to say something or how i’m feeling, right now it’s just how things are going,

But you guys enjoy the rest of your day or night depending on what time of day it is where you are and i’ll write to you guys again soon.

P.S. Since we’re coming to the closing days of Summer I thought i’d share something I made a while ago, I was meant to post it, but never did…..

All The Love ❤ < 3

~Lexa~

Reading Between The Lines….(July 27, 2019)

Sometimes the things we say, are misinterpreted or aren’t as direct as we’d like them to be, even when the things we may be saying are literally said to be direct and taken in properly, does that make sense!? I hope so……

In case you’re still confused to what I mean with that well, no worries, i’ll try and explain it in the best way that I can……as the title says reading between the lines…..what does that mean you might wonder or maybe you know exactly what it means……

The way I see it, is when you’re being told something or you say something to someone else or maybe you’re reading something (I know that’s a lot of somethings in one sentence…..sorry….) that has a specific, message, advice or maybe even someth……I mean, maybe there’s a thing that you wouldn’t see as important, but is important for you to know, even though it’s being presented in a subtle kind of way (I think I nailed that okay…..hopefully)

It doesn’t matter how much you may try and get someone to see what you mean or are trying to get them to understand, sometimes, it still gets overlooked and you could even say it directly to how you mean it, yet you’ll probably end up facepalming yourself because the understanding of it, is still unclear to them or you maybe even sometimes, which is frustrating!!

Just when you think you maybe getting through and everything is sorted and properly understood the way you wanted it to be…..it always ends up being just a little bit off the center in some sort……sometimes you may think screaming it out will help the understanding of it better, but that’s not always the case, when that happens you sometimes think, somethings missing and that maybe you didn’t say it clear enough even when you did…..

Am I making sense here, feel free to let me know if i’ve lost you…..

I don’t know how else to explain it or how else to get it to be clearer, i’ve tried all these different ways of expressing it, but I just don’t know if it’s actually being understood, it’s said to be, but it’s really not when, what is being said in regards of the problem within a situation keeps getting overlooked and avoided as not being important enough………

I mean I know there’s other things to it as well and i’m working on it to fix it this time around, because I know it’s becoming a big issue and I really don’t want it to continue being that way because it’s not really fair for it to be that way…….in order for things to move forward, you have to allow yourself to move forward in the way that you’re wanting to, which can be hard, but at the same time beneficial and good too……

Overall, here’s to hoping that the reading between the lines here sits in this time, otherwise we’re going to be reading the same chapter over and over and to tell you the truth, it got old a long while ago, a new and different chapter to read and enjoy would really be nice, hope you got all that……

So what’s some of your takes on reading between the lines, is it similar to my definition or is yours a bit different, feel free to share if you like!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Opening Up…. (July 19, 2019)

Opening up can seem like a real task at times, you wouldn’t think it’d be as hard as it is, but when you’re someone who has a hard time really letting out your feelings and emotions you find that it’s not always easy to do.

It’s quite nerve wrecking actually, trying to get out just an ounce of words to form out of your mouth, sometimes you find yourself just staring out into space because you’re trying to find the right set of words hoping that what you’re going to say is going to make sense or come out right.

It’s why a lot of us, most of the time don’t really say anything if we’re feeling something and sometimes it’s because of the feeling it brings inside, but holding on to the emotions that we feel for too long, can sometimes wear you down, when it’s stuck floating all around in your head……

Opening up can be hard to do, but sometimes expressing our feelings, even though it doesn’t seem like it, can make a bit of a difference while also making you feel a little better in the process.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Expression…..(July 18, 2019)

Some may think that this is the same thing as feeling and emotions, but it’s not it’s just a way of letting out what you’re feeling, it can also just be a regular expression, for example, when you say “i’m so hungry I can eat a whole truck load of tacos” it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to eat a truck load of tacos, you’re just expressing how hungry you are, you might not actually even be that hungry, it just feels like you are.

We express what we feel and what we’re thinking, sometimes we can be a little too blunt with it, but for some it works that way, if we’re feeling something strongly, we’ll say it how we feel it or how we’re thinking it, although sometimes we’re meant to watch how we say things because it can be taken a whole different way to how we’re actually meaning for it to sound…..which can be very hard to do.

Expressing ones feelings, thoughts and or emotions can be very tricky at times, because naturally we want to say things the way we feel it, which is why if you notice, whenever we are feeling a certain way, we go into our natural fight or flight mode……naturally we want to let out everything we’re feeling right then and there, but our conscience tugs us back to help us approach those emotions and feelings in the best way possible.

Sometimes that doesn’t always occur and we end up saying things that are either out of context or the wrong way to how we wanted it to come out and that has to do with the way our thoughts are, we think of all these different scenarios and ways to approach a situations, but when it comes to actually being front and center to it, our minds start to scramble again, putting us back to square one causing us say and mix up everything.

It can be a real pain when that happens because you know what you want to say, yet you find yourself saying something completely different to what you thought about originally and that’s why if you do find yourself wanting to express something, but you feel as though it may come out wrong and not make much sense, you’re meant to pick your words carefully and that is a task on it own, if everyone was able to say what it was they wanted without any consequences, I think it’d make people understand each other and their feelings more, but it would also still hurt people in a way.

Just because I said there would be no consequences doesn’t mean that people’s feelings wouldn’t still be hurt, they’d see things differently and understand what is being said, but again it would still hurt a little and that’s why majority of the time, people don’t say anything because they don’t want to hurt others feelings, but sometimes you have to rip the band-aid off a little even if it comes out in a way you tried many times to avoid……

How we express and the way we express it can sometimes feel like walking on a mine field, because you never know where you’re going to step with it, but holding our breath and being afraid to express our true feelings shouldn’t be something we do either, we all have a voice and a right to say how we’re really feeling and thinking, it’s not always easy…….

It can be one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes we need it, so that way we don’t suppress it, doing that only starts to build anger, resentment, stress and a whole lot of deadly emotions that don’t need to be kept in.

Take it from someone who’s emotions and feelings are way beneath the surface that even when it tries to come out, it ends up just going back and hiding away again, sometimes it needs a bit of work and sometimes it just ends up coming out naturally…..it’s a win lose situation with expression, but if done in the best way possible or decently or I guess in the only way you’re able to, it’s not always all that bad.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~