Saturday Evening…..Part 2 (Oct 14, 2019)

Last time on the part one side of my Saturday evening post, I talked about something I didn’t like…..being mocked, let take a read back on that shall we!?

Recap: I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did, which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different, but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him…..

but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to be funny……yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much.

And we’re back, I know that was probably lame by the way, I wanted to try something different as an opener though, was it a sink or swim!? I have no idea, let me know your thoughts on it, you might actually prefer to forget it and hey that’s okay, I might actually look back at this later in time and think “Oh gosh, that’s bad, why did I think that was good!?” I might also laugh, because I tend to laugh at most of my lame attempt at things, well things I thought would work, but probably didn’t…..carrying on now (you’re welcome) finishing the rest of my Saturday evening and night post,

Yeah the bonding, connection experiment thing, didn’t work all that well, I mean there was someone I talked to, which was nice, the chats that we had, they were alright, I can’t say they weren’t, because we did talk for quite a while, now i won’t say we bonded, bonded, at least not in the way that I would normally connect with someone, but they were pretty cool to talk to.

Overall though, I just didn’t feel like I fit in with them all that much, I felt like I was just there, tagging along and nothing else, but that…..I did debate on going home straight after the movie was finished, but I thought let me try a little bit and see what else can happen, was it worth the stay!?

Meh….it was okay, I mean I chatted with someone, but if i’m being honest, I was kinda already done being there after a while, I just don’t think that was my scene or crowd, I felt like I stuck out so much being there with everyone, everyone just pretty much did their own thing, which is fine….

It just sucks when you’re within a group and feel like you’re not suppose to be there……..but it is what it is…..I did at one point get a little anxious, started to get a little green in the gills (queasy) I just wanted to say green in the gills because I thought it was cool, yeah haha. Moving on, I could’ve really used some mint/green tea on Saturday, but I had water with me so that kinda helped keep my stomach leveled.

by the way I wasn’t like that the whole time, it was just after everyone got together again when the movie was finished, my friend likes doing group photo’s after a big movie and when there’s a lot of people, luckily though, no group photo’s we’re taken, which was great because to be honest I wouldn’t had wanted to be in the photo and I know that sounds wrong to say, but I would’ve felt awkward had we took a group photo that night.

After everything was over, I came home and had a tiny, mini breakdown to myself, I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but yeah it kinda just happened, I ended up calling a good friend of mine, one of my best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in a while and yeah we had a pretty good chat, it was nice!!

We listened to some music, watched some videos, laughed it was good, we don’t always speak, but when we do it’s always good, we ended up having a 3 hour conversation on the phone, we started at 10pm and finished around 2….in the morning, yeah I know, crazy, that’s the latest i’ve ever slept in a very long while…….but again it was good talking to her.

Saturday was something, it wasn’t a bad time, but it wasn’t the best either, I got to sorta hang out with my old friend even though I barely saw him at the same time, only in the beginning, he’s more outgoing, with me it depends who i’m around, if I feel like i’m going to get along with you pretty well, I can be pretty outgoing, but if it ends up being how it was Saturday, there’s a strong chance, that i’m going to feel pretty awkward and might not talk all that much, but it was quite the experience I guess you can say……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Alright Okay, Okay Alright….

These are the words that i’ve been saying to myself today so i’m going to use it as a title to this post, reason you ask!? Well i’m feeling slightly on edge today, i’m pretty much everywhere let’s just say and i’m rhyming wow can you believe that!? I’m having to keep myself extra focus even though i’m not having really much to focus on and that’s why i’m having a little trouble keeping my thoughts centered……..

I’ve been thinking again about careers not too intensively, but just slightly deep thinking about what i’d really like to do you know!? I’m going to try and keep this from sounding like another frustration kind of post, because I want to be able to think about this and work it out calmly without bringing my stress levels up and feeling anxious.

Which I already started to feel, the anxious feeling, stress not that much, but I know it’s standing in the background somewhere, as for my nerves well they’re mixing all around my stomach at the moment so i’m feeling very breathy today, you know trying to keep myself from going over the meter, not sure if breathy is a word, if not well it is for this post (it actually is a word I looked it up) i’m calm though don’t worry, i’m just in thought is all……I know they say to not think about it too hard, I try not to, but it’s just hard not to want to at least have something in mind, know where you’re possibly going…..I guess it’s just been one of those days, i’m alright now.

I hate the whole feeling on edge kind of days, it leaves you feeling like you need to be doing a million and one things and has your head just running all over the place, it’s just hard not to feel on edge when you’re still wandering and wondering where you’re going to be headed and whether your heading in the right direction at all…..

I know it’s no good worrying so much about it, the best we can do is just to keep moving even when we’re feeling edgy and unsure, but even if we are feeling that kind of way, we have to know and believe that things are going to be alright and that we will get where we’re suppose to go.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Saturday Evening…. Part 1 (Oct 13, 2019)

So this weekend was something, Saturday probably more something then yesterday sorta, it’s just been a pretty weird weekend all together, shall I tell you about it!? Hopefully you said yes because i’m going to anyway, well i’ll tell you about Saturday at least….Sunday…..let’s just talk Saturday okay!!

Alright, so I went to watch a movie with an old friend on Saturday evening, plus a group of other people that I didn’t really know, but it was okay……for the most part, before I even got to the movies, I started to get really nervous, but I did my best to try and relax and tell myself it’ll be fine and everything. One thing I can tell you is I liked the movie, we went and watched Joker in case some of you are wondering, if I had to say anything about the movie, i’d probably wouldn’t know what to say actually…….

I don’t really know how to put that movie into words, but at the same time I don’t really know how to review movies in general so yeah…..however, I did feel a lot watching it, it was interesting, it had a lot of stuff to it, it was also pretty mad in a sorta gruesome way, don’t worry, I won’t spoil it, not that I could, you watch it if you want, I enjoyed it for what it was though.

but let’s move on from the movie and let’s talk the group we were watching the movie with…..i’ll say it in less words than I normally would and as nice as possible……I FELT SO OUT OF PLACE BEING THERE!!…..like extremely out of place, seriously i’m not kidding, I felt like I walked into the wrong room or something, I kept expecting something different to happen, but nothing would, I mean things happened just not in the way I liked…..

It was just wrong like trying to put a square block into a rectangle wrong, like you know when kids have those shape things to put the right shapes where they belong and most of them try and see where the other shapes can go before putting them in the right place!? Yeah it was something like that or when you put a land turtle in water knowing it’s suppose to be on land…..you get the point i’m sure, but yeah it was quite the evening/night.

I mean don’t get me wrong it was fine being with everyone and watching the movie, but goodness were the vibes just not there, as much as I probably shouldn’t say this, sitting in the movie theater with all of them, actually felt like I was sitting in the movie theater for the very first time by myself, everything just seemed and felt off, even the movie portion of it.

It was like I was placed there randomly, I kept hoping to get some kind of familiarity of some sort, but it wasn’t quite working all that well, even though I knew one person, I still felt out of place……it’s crazy, when you’re in a crowd and you see that even the person that you know is unfamiliar, you start to really think…..what’s even crazier though is a stranger can seem more familiar then someone that you actually know……which is insane!!

I say that because there was someone that I saw that seemed and looked familiar to me, yet I don’t ever recall seeing her before, but I had this feeling as though I knew her from somewhere, but I didn’t as well…..that was just a little random thing that happened, but anyway let’s continue on…..

In the beginning when I arrived at the cinema theater, there was a moment that I didn’t quite enjoy all that much, but before we get there, i’ll tell you real quick on the first meeting when I first met two of the group members, so I tried connecting by talking about anime shows, now i’m going to be straight with you, when it comes to anime, i’m not really a super fan,

Like i’m not apart of the fandom is what I mean, but i’ve watch a few shows here and there, ones that I have found interesting, long story short though, I tried to converse, start a conversation and oooh goodness did that go well *note the sarcasm i’m using here*

Okay so the person asked me how far I got into an episode one of the anime shows I was going on about and I went to explain the last episode I saw, because I didn’t know the name of the episode and yeah it just sounded like I didn’t know what I was talking about……it was so awkward……I knew what I was saying and trying to explain, but yeah the person quickly went back to reading the book they were reading and I went to say how i’m not the best at explain and they were like “I know what you’re trying to say” they most likely didn’t, but I just left it alone and wondered off somewhere……

So that happened for one……the next part is the one that I didn’t quite like very much, the same person I tried to converse with, about two anime shows, ended up doing something that I didn’t find funny and my only friend, the only person I knew in that group he joined in beautifully, but don’t worry I got him back later for it, he didn’t know, but I made sure to mess with him a bit at the moment he least expected it, it was fun.

No, but in all seriousness I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different,

but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him, I could’ve said something, but I didn’t, because I was too busy trying to keep myself calm and keep from making a bigger fool of myself…..emotionally, but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to try and be funny,

Yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much….but anyway that was just a moment during the evening I could’ve done without, but it’s fine……okay so I decide to make this a two parter post, the second part will most likely be shorter, i’m only making this a two parter because this ones pretty long already so with that, I shall see you all in the next post!!

To be continued….

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Just Needing To Chat….

Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Self care…..Part 2 (Oct 10, 2019)

I’ve already written a part one on the talks of self care, hence why you’re reading part 2, part 1 was more of a personal kind of talk, while this one will hopefully be talked about differently, in honor of World Mental Health Day, which is today (now yesterday) in case some of you didn’t know, don’t worry I actually didn’t know myself so if you forget or just genuinely wasn’t aware it’s okay, no worries, now my first write about self care isn’t up just yet, i’m still looking it over and reading it, it should be up before you see this though or you might see this one first and that one second,

I’ll try and keep it in order so it doesn’t get confusing, but I just wanted to let you know about that. I wanted to try and talk a little more about the importance of self care, because I don’t think people take it much into consideration and take it as serious as it should be, i’ve already stated in my first post how I have trouble with this, self caring isn’t really a big strong suit of mine, I find it weird, but i’ve realized how important it is to look after yourself. When it comes to self care, it’s surprisingly really difficult to keep yourself well, it shouldn’t be, but it is…..for some reason when it comes to our own well being, it’s a thought that is far from our minds, why!?

Well that’s a question that probably crosses our mind, yet it’s also a question that we tend to ignore if it does, now i’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what i’m talking about, because I don’t, I don’t really know much when it comes to self care, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you the ins and outs to it all, I’m actually just now learning about it properly myself, while having to adjust to it as well…..the only thing that I can say with it is,

As much as it may not seem like a big thing, it totally and definitely 100% percent is a big thing, most of us however ignore that fact and just continue to go about everything as if we can handle it all when in reality, that’s not always possible, we all have our breaking points and we all need a time and space to be able to just not deal with things for a bit, it’s well needed you know!? but in all seriousness, it is important to make sure you’re good and well, especially when dealing with mental health, I don’t think this can be expressed enough, people don’t think that mental health is a serious issue, but it really is, if you’re not well mentally, you won’t be able to be well in other aspects that are needed, everything starts with your mind.

If your mind is upside down and is just a complete mess, it’ll start to effect everything else around you as well, that’s why it’s important to make sure anything and everything that is within your headspace is filled with things that aren’t going to be harmful to you, easier said then done I know, believe me, I have a hard time keeping this in mind too, I struggle with Anxiety so my head is always being filled with so much it’s ridiculous!!

Some days are better than most, while on other days it tends to heighten and go into overload, it’s like having a whole lot of emails in your inbox and as you go through them all, you find most of what’s in your inbox, is just junk mail and so you go to delete them, but you realize you have a lot of junk mail then you know what to do with and you’re trying to figure out the best way to just get rid of it all, but you don’t know where to start and what’s actually important, so you’re just sitting there going through them all and although your concentrating hard on those emails, inside you’re freaking out and losing your mind just trying to get through it all.

The only thing with this email inbox is, it’s an everyday process and it seems like it keeps piling and piling and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it, but unfortunately it doesn’t go away, however it is maintainable, but it does come with some emotional and physical side effects…..

Sorry I think I went away from the topic for a bit, getting back on track, keeping your headspace clear from all things harmful and negative is a tough tasks to accomplish, it’s not impossible, it’s just hard. Anxiety though isn’t the only mental health issue that people deal with on a daily basis, people also struggle with depression, bi-polar disorders, eating disorders and so many other forms of mental health issues that’s out there……

Anxiety and depression are the most talked about in the mental health world, but those aren’t the only ones that people go through, it’s important to look at other issues just as much as we look at Depression and Anxiety, on the statistic outlook scale (hopefully that made sense) although they have different effects and are formed differently, they still connect in the same way, because they all stem from our emotions and thoughts.

It’s hard to wrap our heads around what causes some of us to have more of an effect then others when it comes to dealing with mental health, we all know it has to do with our brains and having some parts unlatched and disconnected from the rest of whatever is going on inside our brains, but when it comes to the science of it, it’s still a little complicated understanding fully, at least it’s one that i’m unable to explain properly to you guys.

But let’s not complicate things here, as much as I love and enjoyed science back in school, still enjoy it actually, also yes I know mental health is a more psychology related topic, then actual science, however you still use science with psychology i’m pretty sure, so it’s still in the same boat technically, don’t actually quote me on it though, because I know nothing alright.

Back to self care, because that’s what we were talking about here, it’s important to take care of yourself, plain and simple, I know it can be hard to take your focus away from everything and keep yourself from stressing and getting overwhelmed and that, but you have to know when to slow down and take a break at times so your able to function properly through the days, if you stop yourself from taking the time that you need to reboot and recharge you’ll end up crashing and breaking down to the point where you’ll find it extremely difficult to get back to where you left off…..

You don’t ever want to have it get to that point, so you have to try and keep a balance with everything, this coming from a girl where the word balance is nowhere near her daily vocabulary, it’s not even on a list, with that being said, self care is something we all have to try and practice, especially when it’s something that we aren’t really used to, it can be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean that it’s something not worth giving a chance, I mean it shouldn’t even be considered as an option, self care should be taken as an everyday kind of thing, but knowing how most of us operate……

We’re not always going to be able to look after ourselves the way we normally should, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still take care of ourselves. If we can’t commit to self care everyday, we should at least try and pick certain days throughout the week plus the weekend where we look at what we’re lacking or need improving on and do our best to work at that as much as we’re able to, so for example:

If you’re the type who struggles to relax or you don’t know how to, finding ways and practicing relaxation can help you to learn to take it easy a little bit more, plus it’ll keep your stress levels down while giving you the ability to clear away a good amount of headspace so your able to focus better.

This is something that I need to really practice a whole lot, because I don’t do that often, I would rather stress myself out then relax, that’s how much I give myself a break on things I feel I need to do better at, yeah…..but there’s a lot of ways to self care i’m sure and keep the chaos from becoming too chaotic, mental health and self care, should always go hand in hand, there should always be a balance between them, because without one, the other wouldn’t know what to do, so it helps to keep them together so that way you feel at ease, if not entirely, at least you know you’ll feel a little better with it.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Is It Alright To Not Have A Direction And Know Where You’re Going!?……

Yes, we’re back on the topic of careers again…..the good news to this is haven’t stressed myself out thinking too much on about this in a while, I have still thought about it however and when I do, I still get frustrated trying to figure it out, but i’ve been calmer about it as much as possible lately, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that i’m still wanting to figure it out.

Some say you have to stay focus and really look for it, while others may say not to worry so much and let it come to you, which advice do you follow I don’t know, all I know is when i’m focusing so much on it, I get super stressed and frustrated and when I focus less on it, I still get frustrated and stress about it because then I feel like i’m just not doing anything, it’s like there can never be a balance, unless you’re counting always getting frustrated and stressed, then yeah there’s a nice balance there.

Seriously though, it really does mess with you when you know you want to get somewhere and are really wanting to do something with yourself, but without a clear direction it’s hard to know where exactly you’re supposed to be heading, sometimes you feel you’re just wandering about aimlessly because you’re still unsure of what you would like to do…….the amount of times i’ve talked about not being the planning type is probably a lot.

Don’t worry i’m not going on that walk, it’s just a small amount of frustration and wonder, I really don’t know where i’m going and in what direction i’m heading towards and so it’s a little stressful because I do want to know, i’d like to see where i’m going a bit, normally I would just enjoy the scenery and not worry about it so much, but this time around, although the patience is still there, so is the impatience of it and it’s kinda in the lead over the patience right now and it just drives me a little mad, because I don’t know where i’m heading and I don’t know where to go…….

Right now i’m just doing this, whatever this is, at least I have you guys and this blog to keep me at bay until I run into something, some people are able to just go and never stop, because they already have an idea or are already doing what they set out to do and then you have people like me who can’t help, but continuously wander, because they either just don’t know or they’re actually enjoying themselves, I can’t speak for all wanderers,

but for this wanderer she’s just really hoping that she gets somewhere so she can stop worrying so much about it, will she!? Probably not, but she’s not going to stop wandering now, we’ve wandered this far and it got us here to where we’re now blogging about it, which is good so we can’t be that far to figuring out just where we’re actually heading, in the meantime, I guess we gotta keep looking towards the scenery, *big sigh* alrighty then.

I gotta say, i’m feeling a little anxious now, but that’s probably just my nerves and me worrying a little, I know i’ll get to where i’m suppose to soon enough and that things will be alright, it’s just the whole “when” but worrying too much on that will cause stress and i’ve been trying to keep from doing that lately, when your busy and on roll, it doesn’t bother you, it’s only when you’ve sat down and are thinking too much to where it’ll start to become a nuisance is all, but patience and not giving up can help.

P.s. I wrote this post I believe yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it until now, these are just some thought of mine is all…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Self care and Well other things…..(Oct 9, 2019)

Tell me, how does one actually self care!? This is a question that i’m sure most people wouldn’t ask right!? Yeah well this is me, asking genuinely, you see i’m not the greatest at self caring, relaxing isn’t really my strong suit and I just find it to be really weird focusing on just myself, i’m just not use to tending to my own needs and that, I tend to worry about everyone else’s before my own, it’s just how i’ve always been.

I know they say it’s important to take care of yourself, I mean how are you suppose to take care of others if you don’t look after yourself right!? It’s the same for when they say how are you suppose to love someone else, if you can’t love yourself!? The needs of others are important, but so are our own, and I think that we forget that sometimes, we get so focused on wanting to look after others, we forget to look after ourselves in the process.

You wouldn’t think self care to be so hard to do, but it’s actually pretty difficult to keep an eye on, especially when your the type who rarely focuses on themselves…..i’m the type who will put her focus into everyone else’s feelings, making sure they’re doing alright and never ever really take a step back and look at how i’m doing……sometimes you think you’re able to just run at full speed and not be bothered, but you shouldn’t and can’t spread yourself too thin, it’s not healthy and although most of us know that, we still end up doing it anyway and that’s because we don’t really know how to do anything else, that’s what happens when you care too much.

You give all this love and caring away, without leaving any for yourself and then you find yourself wondering why everything happened and why you aren’t happy and you don’t ever want to feel like that, you have to know when to think of yourself and say, i’m worn out, tired and I need to pick myself up and take a break to recharge myself.

It can hurt doing that, but sometimes you need to do that, you need to set a bit of boundary for people and let them know, i’m only human, I can only handle, but so much and I need you not to cross this line right here, it’s important to make sure people know that as well as being able to say no when you feel you aren’t up for something or just when you know you should, all of what i’m writing right now is something that I lack to do,

I’ll admit that, I think a good amount of us have trouble with this, it’s hard to think of yourself when you have all these responsibilities and people that you care about and all you want is to see them well and happy and you shouldn’t think of that as a bad thing, there’s nothing wrong with caring and wanting others to be happy, but it’s okay to also care about yourself as well and wanting your own happiness, if your not happy then you can’t share happiness with others and that’s important…

Something i’ve been learning is you can’t give out positivity if you yourself aren’t feeling positive, I used to be the most positive person around, always tried looking at the glass half full, always tried to help people and everything, but along the way, I guess I just stopped feeling that and now i’m having to really look at everything differently and it’s so hard. When it comes to what i’m doing in life, I don’t like to give myself a break, I stress so much and that’s me doing that to myself, I worry so much about everything and if I do something that I know is a step in the right direction, to me just because it isn’t a big big thing I won’t see as progress, even though it is,

It’s kinda like when you’re a kid and it’s Christmas day and you’re expecting this huge Christmas gift, but the gift that you receive is not what you expected so you’re kinda like “oh, well that’s cool” you’re happy, but you’re not happy you know what I mean!? I think we just expect everything to be this big thing and when it’s not quite like that, we’re left feeling a little down, disappointed or as if we’ve failed when in reality, we shouldn’t.

I know I probably went off track a little, i’m hoping everything makes sense, but what i’m trying to get at is just because things aren’t always instant doesn’t mean there isn’t anything great leading to it……and when it comes to self care one of the things that is important to remember is, not too be so hard on ourselves and to know that it’s okay to take our time with things if we know we need it, it’s okay not to be positive all the time, it’s okay to tell people hey, I need me time for a while so please just give me that and it’s especially okay to put yourself first at times, we shouldn’t feel selfish or bad in doing that, it’s important to balance it out I know, but if you feel you need to really get back to your good ole self, know you’re able to, without reason.

I don’t know much about self care, it’s a weird thing for me, but I am learning that it’s important in order to live happily and healthy, i’m finding it really difficult to really allow myself to worry about just myself and make sure that i’m okay before anything else, it’s going to take me a while to do that, but I am doing my best to work on that, I don’t ever say I need it, other people have to tell me I need to do that, which is sad, because you should already know what your needs are, but again it’s a difficult task at hand to get that in our heads on just how important it actually is, i’m still getting it through mine, because I worry too much on everything else going on.

I’m sure it’ll stick, it’s just going to take some time, but if someone ever tells you they need space to take care of themselves first, as much as you may care, you have to let them do that and while they’re doing that, you have to make sure you’re doing good as well, even if it’s hard, even if it’s weird, i’m pretty sure it’s worth it in the end.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa