Curiosity & Meaning (Nov 28, 2018)

This post doesn’t have a title yet as i’m writing this, but i’m sure once I finish writing i’ll figure one out. I’m not really sure how i’m gonna write about the topic i’m gonna touch upon, i’m just gonna let it come to me as i’m writing so hopefully this all makes sense somehow………alrighty so I can’t be the only one who does this, but I tend to find myself really looking into things when i’m sure that I don’t need to………? I don’t really know how to explain it, but anytime I feel something or something catches my attention I have to look into it, I don’t know why, but I just do, i’m always super curious on everything, it’s like I can see something or hear something and I feel the need to looking more into it instead of just taking it as I see or hear it the first time. 

For example whenever I see certain birds, bugs and sometimes numbers I always go and look up the meaning to why i’m seeing them if that makes sense. Like today for a example, I took my dog for a walk because she was going nuts so I took her out for a quick walk so she’d calm down and as I was walking I saw a lot of birds flying around, now it might not mean anything to you guys, you’re probably thinking “Okay cool, you saw birds, I see birds all the time too, what’s the big deal!?” I don’t know I can’t explain it, all I can say is, it’s different……..I wouldn’t look too much into it, if it was just me seeing them once and a while or just once you know, but when you start to see certain birds, bugs or even numbers more often then normal, yeah you might start to look into it a bit too, would you not!?

I know it probably sounds weird and you’re probably thinking i’m weird or something and that’s okay, I know that everyone is different……….I always feel that everything has a certain meaning to it though, which is why I tend to look into things way more than I should sometimes, I don’t know, I guess I like to get a better understanding to everything the best way that I can so that’s probably why, even if a lot of the things I look into don’t have much meaning at all. To go back to what I was previously talking about though, when I was coming back home all these different kind of birds just casually flew by me, but there were a few birds with the group of ones that flew past me, that caught my attention and those birds were: a Blue Jay, a Red Cardinal, a Robin and a Gray Mockingbird.

The Robin flew past me, along with the Blue Jay, as for the Gray Mockingbird, it was in a different tree and so was the Cardinal. As I was admiring the other birds, I heard a noise and when I turned around I got surprised when I came across a dog that I hadn’t run into for a while, normally I used to see this dog whenever I took a walk or when I would bring my dog along with me, now this dog is obviously own by other people of course, so I would only see it in the backyard of it’s home.

Every time I would walk by, it would come running towards the fence and bark at me, but after a while I stopped seeing it. I would walk sometimes and go looking to see if it was around and it wasn’t so I wasn’t sure whether the people moved or something so I stopped looking for it…..kinda i’d always take a small peak to the backyard to see if he was there……..he wasn’t……..today though, I didn’t look at the backyard and the one time where I don’t look, here he comes running towards the fence, barking, it caught me off guard because again I hadn’t seen that dog in a long time, so when I did I was happy and said hi and that it’s been a while, I don’t think the dog remembered me though, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t either, but yeah that was interesting.

As I was walking back towards my house, I wasn’t really paying attention at first, so I don’t remember what happened exactly, all I remember is walking and then turning my gaze toward this bridge close to my house and I stop and looking at me was the Mockingbird. I was so amazed and shocked that I couldn’t take me eyes off it, it was so beautiful seeing it up close, normally if I saw it, it would be like away from me on a fence or in front of my house or something, but this time it was literally in front of me, well as close as i’m ever gonna get to it, it was sitting in between a tree, but we kinda I would say connected somewhat in a way or i’m probably looking way into it……..I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don’t know……..I felt a little sense of a connection with it, again it could just be me.

After seeing it and making eye contact with it, it flew past me onto another tree that was across the street from me. As I continued to walk I couldn’t help, but look back at the Mockingbird…….every step I took, I just looked back at it, I was just so amazed by it, it’s such a pretty bird, of course the other birds like the Blue Jay, Cardinal and Robin are too, but there was just something about the Mockingbird that stayed with me longer then if I were looking at the other birds I mentioned.

I’m sure that all of this won’t make any sense to you and that’s okay, I just wanted to share that with you guys. It’s weird because I find myself really looking more and more into certain things then normal people would, I was thinking to myself about when all of this started and I can’t really pin point when exactly, but I seem to find myself really curious to all these things i’m mentioning and I don’t really know or understand why, but I just do for some weird reason, I don’t know how to explain it. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Frustration

Admit it we’ve all come across this emotion a couple times, you know you have to get things going and you try, but just aren’t having any luck. You find yourself thinking too deeply when you know you should just let it be and you go on a scavenger hunt for your glasses only to realize that it was on your head the whole entire time…….okay that last thing was for humor to relieve a little bit of frustration, I don’t know if that made you laugh or anything, but you know exactly what I mean with that one, we’ve all had it happen to us once or twice…..or more for that matter.

I don’t know what it is about frustration, but whenever you find yourself in a not so grand mood everything starts to get to you, i’m in such a frustrated kind of mode that I got irritated because I felt uncomfortable in my cardigan………I know it’s not that big of a deal, but we all know once you’re in that mode, again everything starts to bother you. I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about ALL DAY!! I tried and tried, but all I was getting was a blank mind and blank pages in my writing journal, yeah I couldn’t even write anything properly in there, I literally wrote one page and that was it, for the past few days i’ve been writing 8 to about 12-16 pages.

Today’s just been full of thoughts and having trouble focusing, I just keep finding myself thinking about everything the closer we get to 2019, it’s literally around the corner can you believe that!? It’s really stressing me out which I know is not a good thing, there’s just so much I keep thinking on and sometimes it’s really hard to grab on to one thing when there’s just so many thoughts racing around in your head, you know!? There’s so much happening and i’ve been trying to control it these past few months and it’s like i’m unable to, which of course is another thing that frustrates me. I go back and forth with myself all the time wondering if i’m doing okay, if what I have here is something worth continuing……….I don’t want to have to go back to my old habits where I start something, but then don’t finish it.

I keep wanting this to be different, I want this to be something I enjoy and that I always look forward to, writing has really helped me these past few months and i’m super grateful and thankful that it’s always been something I could lean on and go to if I ever needed it…….I don’t want to give this up, I don’t want to have it where I don’t think about it, because then it would mean that I don’t care and I want to care. Whenever i’m not writing something new on here, it bugs me because I always have that feeling that I should be writing, I know I haven’t posted anything new for 2 days, my mind hasn’t really been where I know it needs to be, but with this I don’t want to just write random things to where it doesn’t mean anything to me, you know what I mean!?

It’s like if you were a musician and you know you haven’t written a song for a long while so you just end up throwing something together that sounds good, but you know that deep down it wasn’t good and so you end up kicking yourself in the backside for even doing that. Everything I try to write here, I always do my best to talk on topics I care and or am passionate about, they maybe random topics and not alway useful, but when I write and share them with you guys, it’s because I believe in them and I care about them…….now i’m aware that there have been a few times where i’ve written something and then later wish that I didn’t, because I didn’t feel enough passion with it like I should’ve……..i’m sure that we’ve all had those kinds of days where we just post for the heck of it and it’s not right because you should always put everything you have into something, even if it may not get seen in the way you want. 

I want this blog site to mean something not just to me, but i’d also like it to mean something to you guys as well. Whether you enjoy reading stuff like this to where it’s more personal or if you like my random posts to where I talk video games and music, you know stuff like that, to where it’s not so serious……….I just hope that i’m doing okay with this as well as other things too. I hope you guys don’t mind that I wrote all of this, I didn’t know what else to write about, so I thought let’s just talk about the topic of what i’m feeling since it’s the only thing that seems to me pushing me around a bit. I know everyone gets a little frustrated here and there, it’s gonna happen and I know that things will be okay even when it doesn’t seem like it, we know it will be. 

The last thing I want to add is, if you guys are dealing with some frustrations as well  and you kinda just want to vent or you just talk feel free to share here, if you want to that is, you don’t have to, but anyway I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening. 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Everything Changes Eventually (Nov 23, 2018)

Evening Pages (Nov 23, 2018): If it wasn’t so cold outside i’d be writing this in the backyard, instead i’m writing this in my room with the window open a bit, listening to everything that’s going on outside. I did go outside though, only for a bit of course, I walked around a bit in the backyard, holding my journal and pencil close to me……as I was back there, I couldn’t help, but look at everything, I looked at the grass, the trees, I looked at the birds that flew by, just everything. As I looked around, I thought about how everything eventually changes, the seasons are a clear example of that, we all know Winter doesn’t stay long, same goes for Autumn, Spring and Summer, eventually those seasons come to pass after they’ve welcome their stay. The seasons know they can’t stay for long, which is why when their time comes to move on, they don’t, well sometimes they tend to stay longer then they should and sometimes they’ll even switch in between each other, just so they don’t have to leave so soon, at least that’s how I like to see it. (End of Journal Entry) 

This was a small entry from my writing journal, that I wrote yesterday……there was more to it, but I just wanted to write that part here and see if I could explain something different on this post. I talked about observing things in my last post and it seems as though I find myself doing that a lot, as well as reflecting on everything. While I was outside in my backyard, I was thinking on how I remember being back there and it being summer and the way I was during that time, I was a complete mess those days………i’d go back and although I wouldn’t dare admit this on any other day, I would go back there to mainly reflect and think, but whenever I’d do that, I would find myself crying a lot of the time back there too……..it wasn’t because I wanted to, but anytime I felt I needed to let my emotions out, that’s where i’d go, not a lot of people know that, so for those reading this you guys are the first to know.

I was really stressed out most of the summer and still kinda stress now, although I try and keep myself calm when I feel myself stressing nowadays, it’s not always easy though. You might want to know the reasons why I was or why I would cry to myself a lot of the time, if I sat here and told you why we’d be here all day, because there was a lot of reasons to it, one of the main reasons though was, well I was stressed for one and also because I would constantly worry about everything, whether I was doing okay, how everything was gonna go…….everything, I still worry about those things now, but I try my best to minimize how much I worry. In those days though, I think the best thing to come from all of that, was that I had my blog and my journals to write in when I needed something and although it took me a while, writing everything out I was feeling in the best way that I could, really helped.

It’s crazy how everything can just go from one thing and then be something completely different the next time you encounter it………It’s like when you really look at things from a different perspective and everything, you tend to find out different things then what you already know and in those things that you know, you find that it doesn’t matter what you do, some things are bound to change and no amount of trying to fix it is gonna work………but even then, it’s all about trying your best and doing your best to keep going, no matter the pain, stress, worry, uncertainty, all of it…….you just gotta keep going, even on those days where you aren’t sure whether you want to or not, just keep going. No matter what kind of changes take place, just try and go with it as best as you can, even if they aren’t the ideal changes that you wanted………..eventually things change and it’s just something we have to accept.   

My quote of the day:  You know I always loved Autumn, there’s just somethings about it, maybe it’s all the colorful leaves that lay on the ground or it could be the way the trees go from being brightly orange with a mix of red and yellow leaves attached………to nothing at all. It’s also the feel of it too.

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Photo by Jonah Pettrich on Unsplash

Evening Pages (Nov 21, 2018)

Do you ever just observe something just for the heck of it!? I do it all the time, not exactly sure why that is, there’s just something about really looking at something, I know that may sound very weird and all, but for me I find it to be very soothing at times, it can also be very calming and relaxing as well. I like to observe this little bracelet I have, the reason being is because of the way it looks, it’s very simple and unique to me, that being said though, it broke a while ago, but I didn’t want to get rid of it, now I know you’re probably saying why keep a bracelet that’s broken!? Right you are with that question, the reason I haven’t gotten rid of it is because I just like looking at it.

It’s a Lokai bracelet and for some reason whenever i’m overthink about something or just in deep thought, I find myself lately admiring and observing it a lot more these days, sure it’s broken and all and yeah I can’t wear it, but I can still hold it and move it around in my hand, it may seem weird to a lot of you, but I find it to be very calming when I mess with it. I’m sure we all have something we like messing with just for the heck of it or just when we feel we need to calm down a bit, sometimes just observing things can help you think better and keep you from stressing out a whole lot, even if it’s just for a little while, it’s also good for reflecting on things. 

I know this one’s a very short post, I didn’t have much to say today, i’ve pretty much been in this mode all day, so much thinking, and less talking ha, I wrote a good amount of words in my writing journal earlier today if that counts, anyway I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening, also for those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you enjoy the holiday and for those who don’t really celebrate it and it’s just another day, I hope you all enjoy your day, I just want to say that i’m super grateful to each and everyone of you guys, who take the time to read my posts and wanting to continue to follow along with them as well, you don’t know how much that means to me, I really appreciate it, thank you so much. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Photo by Matthijs van Schuppen on Unsplash

Having The Pace Of A Turtle, But Wanting Things To Go Quickly Like The Hare

Question of the day: If you had to compare the way you do things to any animal you could think of, what animal would you be and why are you that animal!?

If I had to compare myself to an animal, I think I would be a turtle and i’ll do my best to explain why that is. You see i’ll admit i’m not the fastest person when it comes to doing things, I like to take my time with everything, make sure everything’s good, maybe that’s a bad trait and all, I don’t know……..The reason i’m talking about this topic is because I discussed this earlier in a new evening page I wrote, along with some other topics, i’m sure this will get somewhere, however i’m not sure if it’s gonna make sense, but i’ll do my best. 

In my evening page I talk how I see myself as a turtle when it come to the pace in which I do most things and to a lot of people it’s probably annoying, to them it might seem a little lazy I guess, but i’ve never really been a quick person, I like to take my time with things and let things happen naturally, however that being said, i’m also the kind of person who, at the same time likes certain things to happen right away and believe me I know it’s confusing and a little odd, I didn’t really think about it until I started writing this. I have this thing where I don’t really do things fast enough to everyones liking, i’m a laid back kind of person mixed with being sometimes energetic when either really excited or for no reason at all.

That energetic version of me as wondered off somewhere though and I don’t know when it is she’ll be back, but I do hope she returns soon. Until then, i’ve been accompanied by this calm, yet overly anxious kind of version of myself, if that makes sense……..I stay to myself a lot of the time and I don’t really go out much, lately I just sit in my room and write all the time and I do some videos and edit them here and there. A lot of people sure have taken notice though when it comes to me staying to myself a lot of the time, to them it seems like i’m doing nothing and all I do is stay in my room and okay the room thing is true, i’m not gonna lie with that, but when it comes to the nothing part, well that’s not entirely true, I may not do a whole lot like everyone else, but it doesn’t mean that i’m not doing my best and being productive or anything. 

In my evening page, I talked about how there’s a difference between me and a turtle and that difference is a turtle has a whole lot more determination then I do. I mean in the story the turtle and the hare, we all know that the hare thought it was gonna easily win the race just because it was faster and quicker then it’s competitor, he took so many breaks, while the turtle just continued on pushing and kept on going, not once did it give up, even when the hare was in the lead a lot of the time…….in the end though, we find out that the winner of the race was the turtle, because of his/her persistence and willing to keep going no matter what anyone else thought.

I could definitely learn a lot from the turtle when it comes to persistence and determination, I know nothing’s a race, but sometimes it’s hard not see everything as one when everything around you seems to be moving at full speed and you have people who are doing so much and then you look at yourself wondering what it is you’re doing wrong and yeah, maybe that’s not the best way to look at things. I should be happy and proud of where i’m at in my life or with what i’m doing, even if other people tell me i’m not where I should be. No one should be able to tell you that you’re not where you should be though, only you should have that judgement, if you like where you are then you’re doing fine in life, but if you feel that you should be working just a little bit harder, than work a little bit harder, but do it because you want to, because it fills you with joy and because you want to be better, don’t do because everyone tells you, you’re not where you should be. 

I’m gonna do my best to keep this in mind as well whenever I become sad or unhappy with where i’m at in my life or questioning whether i’m doing everything alright, I realize I have a hard time taking my own advice when it comes to stuff like this and I know I need to do better at that, comparing myself to everyone else isn’t gonna do me any good. I need to keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with doing things at a slower pace compared to how everyone else does it, yeah I’m a mixture of both the hare and the turtle, I feel i’ll always have that hare persona when it comes to wanting things to go super quickly, but I need to accept that my pace in doing things is a turtle way of doing things and learn to also appreciate the journey of it. 

Just because I do things a lot slower than most people, doesn’t mean I have to see it as a bad thing, I should be happy that i’m a turtle, because me having a bit of that persona means that if I just stay determine and keep going without worrying about everyone else’s input or just in general, I will eventually get to a place to where i’m happy with it fully and to where I can say i’m really proud of myself for not giving up.

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Evening Pages (Nov 19, 2018)

Today’s been a bit of a stressful day, it’s a long story so I won’t go into full detail on why that is. I know that yesterday I didn’t write anything unless you count my dream journal post that was posted around midnight, then I guess I did, but I don’t feel like that counts, I didn’t post for a reason I felt I needed to take that night off from writing, which I know I shouldn’t, but I only did it for personal reasons……….moving on though………..i’ve been in my head a bit today, okay maybe a little more than a bit, you know when you have those days where something goes on in your day to where you become unable to focus on anything else, but that!?……..In all honestly i’m not quite sure where to put my head at, I try and stay focus, but it’s hard to stay focus when you just have all these thoughts trying to take over. 

You can try and ignore it, but we all know that any thoughts we try and put to the side, always ends up finding it’s way back to you. I decided to go for a walk today to try and clear my head a bit, it’s been a while, like a very long while, I kept myself cooped up in my room for a good amount of time and yeah I know that’s not really good, that’s why today I went………I forgot how nice it was to just kinda be out and about, whenever I go for walks I always tend to go the same place, I don’t really change it up much………let’s face it i’m sure we all have a favorite or certain place we like to go, whenever we need to either get away from our own minds or just head to a place where we can just relax and not worry about things for a while……….I like going to this park, well I just pretty much walk through it and head to this waterfall that I find to be a nice place to let go of my thoughts and worry for a good while. 

It was really nice, the water fall is pretty much a river, but it’s a nice river at least to me it is…….I took my writing journal with me so I could just sit and write about whatever it was my brain wanted to focus on, I ended up writing about the waterfall and the birds that would fly around it and everything, I also talk about how the smell of the waterfall reminded me of a childhood memory, weird I know. I listened to some music too while I was there, it helped me focus on my writing which was nice. It’s close to winter now which we all know the sun goes down early in the day, I was only there for about an 1 hour or so, I left around 2 and didn’t come back til around 3:30pm, I actually enjoyed being there again, I felt I really needed that. 

P.S. I was watching the sun go down a bit before I left to go back home, I don’t really see it go down often so it was good seeing it this time. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Photo by Dan Gomer on Unsplash

Dream Journal: The Stone And A Singing Bird (Nov 17, 2018)

Hey everyone I hope you’re all doing well, i’m not really sure what to write about today, i’ll be honest i’m not really in a mood for writing, because i’m super tired, but I didn’t want to not write at the same time and so I said to myself if i’m gonna write something I don’t want it to sound like I don’t really care about it, so what i’m saying is I don’t want to just write something for the heck of it you know, I want it to be something i’m happy to write about and not have it to where I just pretty much say here you go and call it a night, you know what I mean!? Who wants to read that!? 

It’s not easy to think of topics when all your brain wants to do is sleep you know!? So I thought about what I could share with you guys that would be interesting to read and I came up the perfect i’d say, topic to share. As you can probably guess from the title, I will be sharing a new dream journal entry with you, hopefully you find it interesting…….I had this dream the other day and was thinking of sharing it when I had the dream, but I wasn’t sure on it and then I had another dream last night and so I thought why not share both dreams and write it in a blog post.

Now these entries aren’t gonna be very long, hopefully they won’t be long, but we’ll see. The dream I had last night is gonna be a short one, but the one I had the other day i’m not quite sure, anyway let’s head on down to my dreamland shall we!?

This dream is the one I had the other day:

Okay so………I was walking down this hallway…….it looked like a school hallway and I was walking with a group of people, however I stopped, while the others went ahead…….I remember walking into a classroom and it was weird because at first I didn’t walk in right away, I said something to everyone that was in the classroom…….now I can’t really remember everything I said, but what I do remember is me, pretty much warning them about something. You’re probably gonna ask me what I warned them about, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you anyway, it was really weird because it did’t feel like anything bad, but it also didn’t feel good either…….All I remember is me saying “Something’s gonna happen, but I don’t know what it is” that’s what I said again I wasn’t sure whether to take it as bad thing or a good thing.

So after saying that, I remember everyone is that classroom getting up to leave and I started to walk a little quickly, not running, but a little speed walk……..I also remember being in a room that was also a classroom with the group of people I was walking with before and I don’t know why, but we were all kinda like what seemed like gathering everything that was in that room, I remember passing a bookcase and then walking to a certain corner of the room……….clearing out what looked to be like a nightstand side table, weird I know………I also remember looking out towards the window, it was one of those big school windows and I remember seeing a whole bunch of people heading towards a bus or some kind of transportation thing and I actually just remembered this now, but I think everyone who was outside, when I looked out the window, I think they were carry colorful flowers, I remember seeing bright colors like Yellow, I think pink and baby blue or something, i’m not sure, I do remember yellow for some reason……

I remember there being a nice kinda sky, you know sunny, kinda clear with a few clouds, it was also weird though, because I remember seeing a building and it being on fire and seeing smoke coming from it, which was weird, in my dream I felt confused in a way……what else!? I remember clearing the rest of the nightstand, so anything that was one it, I was putting in a bag, but it was really weird, because while I was doing that, I had this feeling of “Do I really need to do this, do I really need all of this!?” I remember looking over to a friend of mine who was in my dream, asking him if he thought I needed to take everything pretty much and he looked at me and said no and I thought about it and I looked over to someone else who I would presume was like the guidance/teacher of all of us we’ll say, it was a woman and I asked her and she also said I didn’t need to,

I started putting everything back not where it was originally, but kinda where it was at first, if that makes sense and the last thing I remember is putting stones in this bag, but I remember grabbing one and observing it and then I put it down, what was interesting about the stone though was…….it was one of those flat smooth ones that you’d find at the lake or something, but it had like 2 to 3 round flat pebbles attached to it, which i’ve never seen before so that was something and yeah that’s the end of that dream, it was really odd, yet very interesting. 

The dream I had last night was also weird, all I remember from that one is walking in some kind of backyard, only this backyard was huge, it was like a horse farm or something or some kind of field, i’m not sure……..I remember walking in the backyard and this bird just flying around singing to me and I don’t mean one of those bird songs, no I mean ACTUALLY SINGING TO ME!!! I’m not really sure what kind of bird it was, it was medium size though, it could’ve been an owl or some other bird, but either way this bird had some real talent. The song that was sung to me, you guys might not know it, because it’s kinda like a Disney song, but not a Disney song, it’s called Rush by Aly & AJ and I even remember the line that was sung to me because it’s been in my mind all day, the line that was sung was “Don’t let nobody tell you, your life is over, be every color that you are” that’s all I remember hearing and then I woke up. 

Those are both my dreams, they happened on different days, just in case you were confused, but yeah that’s it really, I hope you found these dream to be interesting, I just wanted to share them, i’m not quite sure what they mean exactly, but yeah………anyway I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening. 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~ 

Photo by Sean Stratton on Unsplash