Month: October 2019

A Process Not Too Far From Progress…..

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If you were given the chance to wake up in a different world, would you!? I would just to see what it’s like for a moment…..everything is so out of wack these days, you think on whether everything will get better or if it’s just going to keep going the way it is!? Surely there has to be some kind of change, a more positive one at that right!? Sometimes you don’t know where you stand at times, whether you’re going in the right direction or if you’re just being a big ole” bobble head of a person on a certain day.

Yeah okay that last sentence was probably a weird one, but seriously it’s so hard to know how everything goes, where everything is supposed to go and if you’re able to handle it all…..most things just continue to come out of nowhere to the point where, you’re thinking whether or not you should keep a look out for something just in case something else pops up, but I guess it wouldn’t be life if those things didn’t happen right!?

It’s tough, you want to be able to keep your head up when things get a little too chaotic, but sometimes it always feels as though gravity just wants your head to be down all the time, that’s how strong negative energy is, no matter how strong you try your hardest to be, there’s always going to be a moment where you can’t help, but want to break down and just not be bothered and most people will tell you that it’s going to be okay and that things will get better, which isn’t wrong to say because it’s true,

However, sometimes it’s okay if things aren’t okay, it’s harder to try and feel positive when you’re feeling really down and out, then it is to actually let yourself feel the things your feeling. We all try and put brave faces on and seem as though we are bullet proof and that we can withstand anything, although that is true, we wouldn’t be able to do all of that, without feeling the unwanted and negative feelings that we feel. Without harsh wind storms, we wouldn’t have nice breezy days, without hurricanes, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the calmness that the water brings, that might’ve rhymed, I don’t know, but what i’m trying to get at is, with bad comes good and with good comes bad, there’s a balance to it and with that balance,

We just need to know how to get it right or find a way to make it better somehow, sometimes it takes time and sometimes we’re able to pick it up pretty darn well, but if somethings is not okay, that’s okay and if something is okay, that’s okay!! We shouldn’t always have to feel as though we need to keep positive and not worry, it’s important to not do that of course especially if it’s excessive (is that the word!? Probably)

If you’re worrying and stressing it’s alright, it means you really care about something, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t feel those things, but just keep tabs on how much you let the meter go over…..I know it’s not always easy to keep things leveled, be it with emotions, hard days, thoughts, you name it!!

Sometimes those things do have a way at getting the better of us, but if we can handle it, we will and if not it doesn’t mean we won’t and can’t, life is hard and oh so very stressful most of the time, but life can also be pretty easy if we let it, will we!? Most likely not, but really it’s the way we choose to look at everything that will determine how well we get it right.

Just so everyone’s clear here, don’t worry i’m still learning this myself, it’s a process for everyone, but it’s a process that isn’t too far from progress…..

All The Love <3<3

~Lexa

A Message Yet To Be Sent……

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Hey…..okay so I wasn’t expecting to be writing this, but here I am doing it, I knew I shouldn’t have checked, but I did, so now i’m writing this as an alternative to actually messaging you, in case you don’t answer, because who knows if you will answer, I mean who knows if you’ll even want to read this…….the first thing that I want to say, is how are you, I hope you’re doing well and that things have been going well for you, I haven’t forgotten about you nor have I stopped thinking of you either, I never stop thinking about you, i’ll be honest I don’t even know what exactly to say here, never has it been this way where we couldn’t just speak to each other………..

I just messaged you, I haven’t actually sent it yet though, I don’t know whether to do so or not, I might, might not, apart of me wants to, but don’t want there not to be an answer if she does, if you get it, then you’ll know I sent it, if not, it’s because i’m still thinking about it. I’m not going to make a big deal though, I just wanted you to know that. I don’t really know what else to say here, I guess it’s become easier not hearing from you, not that I don’t always hope to hear from you, I know we did talk a few days ago which was surprising, but also it was good hearing from you,

I was hoping I would, I don’t know if we’re still up for talking properly, I would like to, but it’s up to you if you still want to……either way I just hope you’re well and are okay……well anyway, i’ll stop writing now, you stay safe and be careful always and just know that I love you, always will!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

How To Get Organized: Seriously, How Do You Do That!?…….

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When it comes to organizing, we all know that it feels good to see and know that everything is in place instead of all over the place, there’s 3 types of people, there’s those who are organized to the Z (now before you say it, I know it’s suppose to be “to the T” but there’s no T in organize so I went for Zed instead, it was either that or g and I didn’t think that fit well sooo, Z it was) but anyway back to what I was talking about, 3 types of people,

Those who are organize to the Z, leaving nothing out of place and keeping things in order where it needs to be, then you have those who are so disorganized that……I actually don’t have anything to go with this one, they’re just very disorganized what else can you really say!? Probably a good amount i’m sure, I have nothing though so, on to the 3rd type…..

Which are those who want to be organized, but aren’t sure how to be, so they kinda just freestyle with it and organize in their own kind of way to what they consider to be organized, but isn’t really, so it ends up being a combination of both where it’s slightly neat, but also pretty messy, however, in a way…..it works, for them of course!!

If you were to ask me what kind of of organize I was, I probably would pick the 3rd choice, why!? Because for one, I have a certain place for everything, which means I know where I want everything to go, as well as where i’ve put everything, that being said, i’m also pretty messy, everything is pretty much everywhere and when I do think about organizing everything properly…….I never know where to start with it.

So I kinda just put all my things in certain places, never asking if the places that i’ve put them in were good places, but hey at least I know where i’ve put them right!? I do try to keep organize, which makes everything seem cluttered which it isn’t really, it just seems like it, a lot of my stuff is on the floor and no not clothes……okay at the moment there might be that as well,

but I can pick those up i’m not that messy, I was just going through clothes to see what to wear, even though I picked something out before going to be last night, I then wasn’t sure if what I chose was good, but in the end I ended up wearing it anyway, but later discovered I wasn’t going anywhere….i’m still in my clothes, I haven’t changed out of it yet

What we’re we talking about again!? Ahhh right!! I was talking about having things on the floor, making everything seem cluttered, but really it’s just because I don’t know where to put everything, with organizing it’s not difficult, but at the same time it also is, especially when organizing isn’t really your biggest strong suit, anyone can get organized though, it’s the question on how to do it properly i’m sure, i’m not an expert, if I was I wouldn’t be writing this right now, i’d just be organized,

I can work my way around other things and keeping those things whatever they are, from taking up too much space or at least from having them be everywhere, keeping them nice and neat and that, which most people can do as well, but when it comes to my own stuff or anything around me, it’s all just scattered around and is a lot, which isn’t good I know, believe me i’ve been trying to get organized for a very long time, but it’s not that easy as you think it might be, unless you’re a pro at it then that’s a different story, but if you aren’t that much of a pro, it’s quite the challenge…..

At the moment, I have a half neat, half disorganized radar which i’m trying to upgrade, because to be honest, it’s needed desperately and I don’t say nor write that word often, because it’s not a word you want to have to use a lot……so if you don’t mind I have questions, but before we get to those questions, I just wanted to say, I actually have a book, not a personal book,

I have a book that i’ve read a bit is what I mean on how to tidy and keep organized, i’ve only read a few pages, haven’t actually finished it, I mean if you buy a book on how to be more organized, i’m pretty sure you’re suppose to apply most of those things to your lifestyle in order for it work, otherwise you’re just reading a book on how to get organized, without actually being organized, it’s meant to be a helpful guide pretty much.

Now i’m sure it’s not a hard book to follow, it’s just the whole where to start thing that gets me, I always have that problem, i’m just trying to finally sort it out…..so with that, on to the questions, okay maybe not questions, but more suggested tips, not from me to you, but you to me, just so that’s clear.

What do you, how do you……okay I don’t even know how to actually ask this……okay when you guys are needing or having to get organized, what do you actually start with!? How do you choose what to do first!? and i’m not only talking about a space, I know a clean and tidy space is a good place to start, but what about when it comes to just life in general, how do you manage to get things back into order, even when it’s a big mess!?

It’s one thing I know to have the space you’re in clear of clutter and kept in a well rounded calm and relaxing atmosphere, plus a bunch of other things, but how do you manage to keep everything else in tact, minus the stress, I mean I know stress is unavoidable, when there’s a lot happening, so to rephrase that, how do you keep it at a minimum level, when trying to get organized!? I don’t know a whole lot about staying organized to the Z,

I would like to learn more on how to do it though, so if any of you have tips that you find works or have worked for you that you wouldn’t mind sharing, that could be helpful for me to maybe try and use as well, as a guide or just something to keep in mind, it would really mean a lot!!

Learning to be a bit more organized is something that I feel is needed in my life and if there’s any tips that could help me to be a little better at it while keeping me calm at the same time, I would love you guys forever…..I know that probably sounded weird, sorry, it would just really help is all, but anyway that is all I have for this post, I hope you all had a good day and are doing well and I hope you’re having a goodnight as well!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Rain With A Little Self Care…..(Oct 16, 2019)

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I think i’m just going to free write today if that’s okay, what I mean by free write is i’m just going to allow myself to write whatever ends up wanting to be written and not over think it. Let’s start with the day, it was a pretty cloudy and gloomy day today, right now as i’m writing this it’s pretty much pouring outside as we speak, well as I write and you read more like.

Today started out a bit spacey in terms of me feeling spacey, i’m sure you got that though, I wasn’t feeling super spaced out, i’ve just been in this zone, it’s hard to describe……it was a mixture of alright and not alright, I just keep having this feeling of wonder where it’s slightly stressing, but i’m trying to not over stress about it, i’ve been trying to write a post all day, but it’s taken me until i’ve gotten home to actually properly sit and write without being distracted, I find I write better when it’s quiet, plus the quiet, helps me stay focus, I was listening to music earlier and although I was writing something

It was taking me quite some time and I still haven’t finished it, this is actually a new post i’m writing, so it’s completely different to what I started writing earlier on to the self care part of the day, so I went for my very first facial today, i’ll admit I was feeling a bit weird and maybe a tiny bit nervous, I know there’s no need to be nervous when your getting a facial,

I was okay when I was having to go in for the session, although I was still feeling weird about it, i’ve never gotten a facial before so I didn’t know what to expect from it, plus i’ve stated before how great I am with self care and when I say great I mean, it’s a new world for me, because I don’t do it often so there’s that, but once I got in and the facial was happening,

I actually found it quite nice and I felt it to be pretty easy relaxing, which is another thing that i’m really great at, hoping you’re picking up on the sarcasm that i’m throwing down there, no but seriously, it was pretty nice, the lady doing my facial was pretty nice too, not sure if you’re meant to talk when you’re getting a facial, but I did, luckily the lady was fine with it and we had a nice chat during the whole thing, I learned some stuff and got to know her just a little, it was good, it made the facial experience worth it i’d say, it was only a 60 min facial, you know you’d think that’d be pretty long,

60 mins, but man did it go by quickly I didn’t even realize she was finished, I didn’t really want to leave afterwards, but I guess with the conversation and the relaxing atmosphere along with the facial session as a whole, I guess the time would by smoothly when you think about it, but yeah it was pretty good, I got some stuff for my face to be able to maintain and keep my skin clean and fresh. I had to get the lady (Leah was her name, in case you’re wondering hopefully i’m okay to say that, it should be fine though)

To write down small steps to follow with the products so I would be able to follow along okay, since it was my first time being given a proper skin care kit that works best with my skin, she explained everything well with what order to use them in and how to properly apply them, but because I know the way I am, when it comes to how to do things when it’s something new to me, I asked her to write it down so I wouldn’t somehow mess it up or something and she did which was helpful so i’ve got that info down,

but yeah first time facial was pretty alright, I was feeling a certain way earlier and after getting that done, my mood shifted into a better one I guess you can say, not that I was having a horrible day, but I felt a lot different afterwards which was good, although the weather wasn’t the greatest to probably get a facial, i’m glad I still went and got one.

So that was my day, well now yesterday it’s midnight now as i’m finishing up this post, I know I probably should’ve gotten it done earlier, but anyway i’m going to head on to sleep now, pretty tired, I hope you all had a good day yesterday and I hope you have another good one today.

I hope you’re all doing well too, alright you all have a goodnight and I shall see you all in my next post, before I go though real quick…..

Have any of you ever gotten a facial before and if so…….what was your experience with it like!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Saturday Evening…..Part 2 (Oct 14, 2019)

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Last time on the part one side of my Saturday evening post, I talked about something I didn’t like…..being mocked, let take a read back on that shall we!?

Recap: I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did, which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different, but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him…..

but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to be funny……yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much.

And we’re back, I know that was probably lame by the way, I wanted to try something different as an opener though, was it a sink or swim!? I have no idea, let me know your thoughts on it, you might actually prefer to forget it and hey that’s okay, I might actually look back at this later in time and think “Oh gosh, that’s bad, why did I think that was good!?” I might also laugh, because I tend to laugh at most of my lame attempt at things, well things I thought would work, but probably didn’t…..carrying on now (you’re welcome) finishing the rest of my Saturday evening and night post,

Yeah the bonding, connection experiment thing, didn’t work all that well, I mean there was someone I talked to, which was nice, the chats that we had, they were alright, I can’t say they weren’t, because we did talk for quite a while, now i won’t say we bonded, bonded, at least not in the way that I would normally connect with someone, but they were pretty cool to talk to.

Overall though, I just didn’t feel like I fit in with them all that much, I felt like I was just there, tagging along and nothing else, but that…..I did debate on going home straight after the movie was finished, but I thought let me try a little bit and see what else can happen, was it worth the stay!?

Meh….it was okay, I mean I chatted with someone, but if i’m being honest, I was kinda already done being there after a while, I just don’t think that was my scene or crowd, I felt like I stuck out so much being there with everyone, everyone just pretty much did their own thing, which is fine….

It just sucks when you’re within a group and feel like you’re not suppose to be there……..but it is what it is…..I did at one point get a little anxious, started to get a little green in the gills (queasy) I just wanted to say green in the gills because I thought it was cool, yeah haha. Moving on, I could’ve really used some mint/green tea on Saturday, but I had water with me so that kinda helped keep my stomach leveled.

by the way I wasn’t like that the whole time, it was just after everyone got together again when the movie was finished, my friend likes doing group photo’s after a big movie and when there’s a lot of people, luckily though, no group photo’s we’re taken, which was great because to be honest I wouldn’t had wanted to be in the photo and I know that sounds wrong to say, but I would’ve felt awkward had we took a group photo that night.

After everything was over, I came home and had a tiny, mini breakdown to myself, I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but yeah it kinda just happened, I ended up calling a good friend of mine, one of my best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in a while and yeah we had a pretty good chat, it was nice!!

We listened to some music, watched some videos, laughed it was good, we don’t always speak, but when we do it’s always good, we ended up having a 3 hour conversation on the phone, we started at 10pm and finished around 2….in the morning, yeah I know, crazy, that’s the latest i’ve ever slept in a very long while…….but again it was good talking to her.

Saturday was something, it wasn’t a bad time, but it wasn’t the best either, I got to sorta hang out with my old friend even though I barely saw him at the same time, only in the beginning, he’s more outgoing, with me it depends who i’m around, if I feel like i’m going to get along with you pretty well, I can be pretty outgoing, but if it ends up being how it was Saturday, there’s a strong chance, that i’m going to feel pretty awkward and might not talk all that much, but it was quite the experience I guess you can say……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Alright Okay, Okay Alright….

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These are the words that i’ve been saying to myself today so i’m going to use it as a title to this post, reason you ask!? Well i’m feeling slightly on edge today, i’m pretty much everywhere let’s just say and i’m rhyming wow can you believe that!? I’m having to keep myself extra focus even though i’m not having really much to focus on and that’s why i’m having a little trouble keeping my thoughts centered……..

I’ve been thinking again about careers not too intensively, but just slightly deep thinking about what i’d really like to do you know!? I’m going to try and keep this from sounding like another frustration kind of post, because I want to be able to think about this and work it out calmly without bringing my stress levels up and feeling anxious.

Which I already started to feel, the anxious feeling, stress not that much, but I know it’s standing in the background somewhere, as for my nerves well they’re mixing all around my stomach at the moment so i’m feeling very breathy today, you know trying to keep myself from going over the meter, not sure if breathy is a word, if not well it is for this post (it actually is a word I looked it up) i’m calm though don’t worry, i’m just in thought is all……I know they say to not think about it too hard, I try not to, but it’s just hard not to want to at least have something in mind, know where you’re possibly going…..I guess it’s just been one of those days, i’m alright now.

I hate the whole feeling on edge kind of days, it leaves you feeling like you need to be doing a million and one things and has your head just running all over the place, it’s just hard not to feel on edge when you’re still wandering and wondering where you’re going to be headed and whether your heading in the right direction at all…..

I know it’s no good worrying so much about it, the best we can do is just to keep moving even when we’re feeling edgy and unsure, but even if we are feeling that kind of way, we have to know and believe that things are going to be alright and that we will get where we’re suppose to go.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Saturday Evening…. Part 1 (Oct 13, 2019)

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So this weekend was something, Saturday probably more something then yesterday sorta, it’s just been a pretty weird weekend all together, shall I tell you about it!? Hopefully you said yes because i’m going to anyway, well i’ll tell you about Saturday at least….Sunday…..let’s just talk Saturday okay!!

Alright, so I went to watch a movie with an old friend on Saturday evening, plus a group of other people that I didn’t really know, but it was okay……for the most part, before I even got to the movies, I started to get really nervous, but I did my best to try and relax and tell myself it’ll be fine and everything. One thing I can tell you is I liked the movie, we went and watched Joker in case some of you are wondering, if I had to say anything about the movie, i’d probably wouldn’t know what to say actually…….

I don’t really know how to put that movie into words, but at the same time I don’t really know how to review movies in general so yeah…..however, I did feel a lot watching it, it was interesting, it had a lot of stuff to it, it was also pretty mad in a sorta gruesome way, don’t worry, I won’t spoil it, not that I could, you watch it if you want, I enjoyed it for what it was though.

but let’s move on from the movie and let’s talk the group we were watching the movie with…..i’ll say it in less words than I normally would and as nice as possible……I FELT SO OUT OF PLACE BEING THERE!!…..like extremely out of place, seriously i’m not kidding, I felt like I walked into the wrong room or something, I kept expecting something different to happen, but nothing would, I mean things happened just not in the way I liked…..

It was just wrong like trying to put a square block into a rectangle wrong, like you know when kids have those shape things to put the right shapes where they belong and most of them try and see where the other shapes can go before putting them in the right place!? Yeah it was something like that or when you put a land turtle in water knowing it’s suppose to be on land…..you get the point i’m sure, but yeah it was quite the evening/night.

I mean don’t get me wrong it was fine being with everyone and watching the movie, but goodness were the vibes just not there, as much as I probably shouldn’t say this, sitting in the movie theater with all of them, actually felt like I was sitting in the movie theater for the very first time by myself, everything just seemed and felt off, even the movie portion of it.

It was like I was placed there randomly, I kept hoping to get some kind of familiarity of some sort, but it wasn’t quite working all that well, even though I knew one person, I still felt out of place……it’s crazy, when you’re in a crowd and you see that even the person that you know is unfamiliar, you start to really think…..what’s even crazier though is a stranger can seem more familiar then someone that you actually know……which is insane!!

I say that because there was someone that I saw that seemed and looked familiar to me, yet I don’t ever recall seeing her before, but I had this feeling as though I knew her from somewhere, but I didn’t as well…..that was just a little random thing that happened, but anyway let’s continue on…..

In the beginning when I arrived at the cinema theater, there was a moment that I didn’t quite enjoy all that much, but before we get there, i’ll tell you real quick on the first meeting when I first met two of the group members, so I tried connecting by talking about anime shows, now i’m going to be straight with you, when it comes to anime, i’m not really a super fan,

Like i’m not apart of the fandom is what I mean, but i’ve watch a few shows here and there, ones that I have found interesting, long story short though, I tried to converse, start a conversation and oooh goodness did that go well *note the sarcasm i’m using here*

Okay so the person asked me how far I got into an episode one of the anime shows I was going on about and I went to explain the last episode I saw, because I didn’t know the name of the episode and yeah it just sounded like I didn’t know what I was talking about……it was so awkward……I knew what I was saying and trying to explain, but yeah the person quickly went back to reading the book they were reading and I went to say how i’m not the best at explain and they were like “I know what you’re trying to say” they most likely didn’t, but I just left it alone and wondered off somewhere……

So that happened for one……the next part is the one that I didn’t quite like very much, the same person I tried to converse with, about two anime shows, ended up doing something that I didn’t find funny and my only friend, the only person I knew in that group he joined in beautifully, but don’t worry I got him back later for it, he didn’t know, but I made sure to mess with him a bit at the moment he least expected it, it was fun.

No, but in all seriousness I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different,

but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him, I could’ve said something, but I didn’t, because I was too busy trying to keep myself calm and keep from making a bigger fool of myself…..emotionally, but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to try and be funny,

Yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much….but anyway that was just a moment during the evening I could’ve done without, but it’s fine……okay so I decide to make this a two parter post, the second part will most likely be shorter, i’m only making this a two parter because this ones pretty long already so with that, I shall see you all in the next post!!

To be continued….

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Just Needing To Chat….

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Today has been quite a day, it’s been so much of a day that i’m literally mentally exhausted because of it, I don’t even know how this post is going to come out to be honest, if it ends up being full of rambles, sorry in advance, I just don’t know how to really handle everything today, my emotions are off the charts, one minute i’m okay and the next I just want to cry and get angry all at the same time, I mainly want to cry and that’s me being honest here…..i’m in this mode where I want to talk to someone, but I don’t at the same time, I just really don’t know what to do with myself.

Chaos keeps breaking out around me, because no one knows how to handle things simply without blowing up and getting mad at one other, people think they know what’s right and what’s wrong and love being the one to say I told you so, everyone just loves saying that. Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be said they just think they got it right from start to finish, when they don’t even know, they don’t flipping know whatsoever on what’s going on and why you feel the way you feel, they just like assuming the reason.

Sorry…..i’m sorry, i’m not trying to dump all my issues and problems on here, there’s just so much in my head that I don’t know how to get it out, i’ve been in thought mode all day and i’ve been trying so hard to keep everything together and act as though everything’s fine, but when it comes to the way my emotions work, I can’t pretend, because it’s written all over my face, as always……and I hate it because then people want to know why you’re feeling down and out and although you appreciate the concern,

Sometimes you just have days where you just want to deal with it, as it’s coming without the whole “let’s talk about it” start up conversation and okay yes, part of you wants to sit there and talk about it all, but at the same time you would rather just keep it all to yourself and not be bothered about it, but you also know that’s not healthy and so you express it a little and what happens, judgement, there’s no just listening going on at all.

What you get back is things you really don’t need nor want, plus if you did want a little pick me up kind of chat, it’s not in an understanding way, it’s not in a supportive way or a warm approach, it’s just people wanting to add what they think you need to hear and although that’s all fine and dandy at times and yes tough love is helpful to most……not everyone wants that.

Some people just want someone to listen, to be there and let them know things are going to be okay and give them the opposite of what tough love is and maybe that’s the…..I don’t even know what to call it, the softer approach kind of way, where you sit with someone and you listen to them and be their emotional support when they’re needing it. It’s like you know when you’re watching a show or movie and you have those families or just people in general who are really understanding and when they talk to you,

It’s in a comforting kind of way without the intensity involved, you know what I mean, does that make sense!? I know what I mean and what i’m trying to say, I just don’t know how to put it all in the correct kind of order, but hopefully you get what i’m saying……it’s just everything is so hard and trying to work it all out in a way that you’re able to keep it simple,

Is like a task and a half to complete and it doesn’t help when you know you’re having an extra amount of a really tough day and you yourself are trying so hard to get through it, yet it becomes even more harder, because the level is always on intense mode for some flipping reason and you try to keep it at lower level, but no matter how hard you try and express what you’re wanting, it still ends up being unclear and it just ends up going back to fully on mode and that’s the mode you’re trying to say you don’t want.

It’s like I don’t know, I feel like i’m the only one whose mode is not turned up to the max, everyone’s so intense and angry, while i’m reserved and emotional, why is that!? Every time I observe it, I still can’t figure it out and it should feel good to be the odd ball out because you have your own way of doing things, but lately as much as I would hate to admit it, I find myself wanting to just fit in somewhere, but I can never bring myself to play along in a crowd full of madness if that makes sense!?

I’m a calm person who is as quiet as a mouse and I do my very best to keep away from things that are a little too much to handle and the only time I get explosive is when my emotions find a way to get to me and when that happens I have no control of it. I get angry, but my anger is more out of frustration then actually being mad, it’s rare when i’m angry, I don’t like to get angry, but i’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything.

Today is one of those days where it’s just so much that all I want to do is cry and cry and cry, become frustrated on the fact that I am crying and then cry a little more, until I somehow convince myself that it’ll be fine and that we’re going to get through it somehow and try and be okay again……

It’s so much I tell you, but i’m doing everything I can to push through it, I can’t talk about it, talk about it, the way I would like to, but this, this post right here, expressing myself to you guys, whether you’re listening or not, it helps in a weird way and it’s odd, because even though I was feeling the way I was today, I had in my mind that I wanted to write about it, literally all I wanted was me and either my blog or my journal today, nothing else.

Why does this work better I don’t know, but it does and i’m thankful and grateful for this blog and for those who I have talked to and even the people who take the time to read all of my posts, be it pretty short or very long.

When I started this blog it was to be able to have a place to go when I need my headspace cleared and for a long time, I abandoned that whole concept because I didn’t think it was interesting and I thought no would want to read that from me even though it was the way I was feeling, but the more I write I find it’s becoming a little more personal each time and i’ll admit it’s scary, but it gives me a place to be more myself in way, without the pressure of having to figure everything out, I mean I still feel pressure, because i’m constantly putting pressure on myself because I feel I need to always be doing something and worry about where i’m going and it’s really stressful.

But for the most part, writing helps me to express and allows me to not be afraid to express, although i’ve been working on being more vocal, I still find this to be a little bit easier then actually talking about my feelings.

I’ve been scared to express in this kind of way because I didn’t want to bring all of this here, but i’m letting myself be a bit more personal, but also choosing what I want to say and what I would rather keep to myself. It’s still a work in progress, but if you read any of it, just know i’m very appreciative on the fact that you guys are interested in reading this side, just as much as if i’m writing about something that makes me happy or when I find something interesting and want to share, you have no idea on how much that means, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much,

for enjoying my blog and coming back to read my posts, i’ve had this blog for about 1 year and 3 months today actually and I do see your support with it, i’ve just been so wrapped up that I also miss it at times, but i’m going to do my best to work at that and thank you guys a little more often for being here. With that all said, I think it’s a good time to stop writing because this is almost starting to look like a chapter in a book, I hope you all are having a better day then me and are doing well and I hope you all have a goodnight.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Self care…..Part 2 (Oct 10, 2019)

On By Daydreamer LexIn Entries, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’ve already written a part one on the talks of self care, hence why you’re reading part 2, part 1 was more of a personal kind of talk, while this one will hopefully be talked about differently, in honor of World Mental Health Day, which is today (now yesterday) in case some of you didn’t know, don’t worry I actually didn’t know myself so if you forget or just genuinely wasn’t aware it’s okay, no worries, now my first write about self care isn’t up just yet, i’m still looking it over and reading it, it should be up before you see this though or you might see this one first and that one second,

I’ll try and keep it in order so it doesn’t get confusing, but I just wanted to let you know about that. I wanted to try and talk a little more about the importance of self care, because I don’t think people take it much into consideration and take it as serious as it should be, i’ve already stated in my first post how I have trouble with this, self caring isn’t really a big strong suit of mine, I find it weird, but i’ve realized how important it is to look after yourself. When it comes to self care, it’s surprisingly really difficult to keep yourself well, it shouldn’t be, but it is…..for some reason when it comes to our own well being, it’s a thought that is far from our minds, why!?

Well that’s a question that probably crosses our mind, yet it’s also a question that we tend to ignore if it does, now i’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what i’m talking about, because I don’t, I don’t really know much when it comes to self care, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you the ins and outs to it all, I’m actually just now learning about it properly myself, while having to adjust to it as well…..the only thing that I can say with it is,

As much as it may not seem like a big thing, it totally and definitely 100% percent is a big thing, most of us however ignore that fact and just continue to go about everything as if we can handle it all when in reality, that’s not always possible, we all have our breaking points and we all need a time and space to be able to just not deal with things for a bit, it’s well needed you know!? but in all seriousness, it is important to make sure you’re good and well, especially when dealing with mental health, I don’t think this can be expressed enough, people don’t think that mental health is a serious issue, but it really is, if you’re not well mentally, you won’t be able to be well in other aspects that are needed, everything starts with your mind.

If your mind is upside down and is just a complete mess, it’ll start to effect everything else around you as well, that’s why it’s important to make sure anything and everything that is within your headspace is filled with things that aren’t going to be harmful to you, easier said then done I know, believe me, I have a hard time keeping this in mind too, I struggle with Anxiety so my head is always being filled with so much it’s ridiculous!!

Some days are better than most, while on other days it tends to heighten and go into overload, it’s like having a whole lot of emails in your inbox and as you go through them all, you find most of what’s in your inbox, is just junk mail and so you go to delete them, but you realize you have a lot of junk mail then you know what to do with and you’re trying to figure out the best way to just get rid of it all, but you don’t know where to start and what’s actually important, so you’re just sitting there going through them all and although your concentrating hard on those emails, inside you’re freaking out and losing your mind just trying to get through it all.

The only thing with this email inbox is, it’s an everyday process and it seems like it keeps piling and piling and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it, but unfortunately it doesn’t go away, however it is maintainable, but it does come with some emotional and physical side effects…..

Sorry I think I went away from the topic for a bit, getting back on track, keeping your headspace clear from all things harmful and negative is a tough tasks to accomplish, it’s not impossible, it’s just hard. Anxiety though isn’t the only mental health issue that people deal with on a daily basis, people also struggle with depression, bi-polar disorders, eating disorders and so many other forms of mental health issues that’s out there……

Anxiety and depression are the most talked about in the mental health world, but those aren’t the only ones that people go through, it’s important to look at other issues just as much as we look at Depression and Anxiety, on the statistic outlook scale (hopefully that made sense) although they have different effects and are formed differently, they still connect in the same way, because they all stem from our emotions and thoughts.

It’s hard to wrap our heads around what causes some of us to have more of an effect then others when it comes to dealing with mental health, we all know it has to do with our brains and having some parts unlatched and disconnected from the rest of whatever is going on inside our brains, but when it comes to the science of it, it’s still a little complicated understanding fully, at least it’s one that i’m unable to explain properly to you guys.

But let’s not complicate things here, as much as I love and enjoyed science back in school, still enjoy it actually, also yes I know mental health is a more psychology related topic, then actual science, however you still use science with psychology i’m pretty sure, so it’s still in the same boat technically, don’t actually quote me on it though, because I know nothing alright.

Back to self care, because that’s what we were talking about here, it’s important to take care of yourself, plain and simple, I know it can be hard to take your focus away from everything and keep yourself from stressing and getting overwhelmed and that, but you have to know when to slow down and take a break at times so your able to function properly through the days, if you stop yourself from taking the time that you need to reboot and recharge you’ll end up crashing and breaking down to the point where you’ll find it extremely difficult to get back to where you left off…..

You don’t ever want to have it get to that point, so you have to try and keep a balance with everything, this coming from a girl where the word balance is nowhere near her daily vocabulary, it’s not even on a list, with that being said, self care is something we all have to try and practice, especially when it’s something that we aren’t really used to, it can be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean that it’s something not worth giving a chance, I mean it shouldn’t even be considered as an option, self care should be taken as an everyday kind of thing, but knowing how most of us operate……

We’re not always going to be able to look after ourselves the way we normally should, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still take care of ourselves. If we can’t commit to self care everyday, we should at least try and pick certain days throughout the week plus the weekend where we look at what we’re lacking or need improving on and do our best to work at that as much as we’re able to, so for example:

If you’re the type who struggles to relax or you don’t know how to, finding ways and practicing relaxation can help you to learn to take it easy a little bit more, plus it’ll keep your stress levels down while giving you the ability to clear away a good amount of headspace so your able to focus better.

This is something that I need to really practice a whole lot, because I don’t do that often, I would rather stress myself out then relax, that’s how much I give myself a break on things I feel I need to do better at, yeah…..but there’s a lot of ways to self care i’m sure and keep the chaos from becoming too chaotic, mental health and self care, should always go hand in hand, there should always be a balance between them, because without one, the other wouldn’t know what to do, so it helps to keep them together so that way you feel at ease, if not entirely, at least you know you’ll feel a little better with it.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Is It Alright To Not Have A Direction And Know Where You’re Going!?……

On By Daydreamer LexIn Entries, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yes, we’re back on the topic of careers again…..the good news to this is haven’t stressed myself out thinking too much on about this in a while, I have still thought about it however and when I do, I still get frustrated trying to figure it out, but i’ve been calmer about it as much as possible lately, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that i’m still wanting to figure it out.

Some say you have to stay focus and really look for it, while others may say not to worry so much and let it come to you, which advice do you follow I don’t know, all I know is when i’m focusing so much on it, I get super stressed and frustrated and when I focus less on it, I still get frustrated and stress about it because then I feel like i’m just not doing anything, it’s like there can never be a balance, unless you’re counting always getting frustrated and stressed, then yeah there’s a nice balance there.

Seriously though, it really does mess with you when you know you want to get somewhere and are really wanting to do something with yourself, but without a clear direction it’s hard to know where exactly you’re supposed to be heading, sometimes you feel you’re just wandering about aimlessly because you’re still unsure of what you would like to do…….the amount of times i’ve talked about not being the planning type is probably a lot.

Don’t worry i’m not going on that walk, it’s just a small amount of frustration and wonder, I really don’t know where i’m going and in what direction i’m heading towards and so it’s a little stressful because I do want to know, i’d like to see where i’m going a bit, normally I would just enjoy the scenery and not worry about it so much, but this time around, although the patience is still there, so is the impatience of it and it’s kinda in the lead over the patience right now and it just drives me a little mad, because I don’t know where i’m heading and I don’t know where to go…….

Right now i’m just doing this, whatever this is, at least I have you guys and this blog to keep me at bay until I run into something, some people are able to just go and never stop, because they already have an idea or are already doing what they set out to do and then you have people like me who can’t help, but continuously wander, because they either just don’t know or they’re actually enjoying themselves, I can’t speak for all wanderers,

but for this wanderer she’s just really hoping that she gets somewhere so she can stop worrying so much about it, will she!? Probably not, but she’s not going to stop wandering now, we’ve wandered this far and it got us here to where we’re now blogging about it, which is good so we can’t be that far to figuring out just where we’re actually heading, in the meantime, I guess we gotta keep looking towards the scenery, *big sigh* alrighty then.

I gotta say, i’m feeling a little anxious now, but that’s probably just my nerves and me worrying a little, I know i’ll get to where i’m suppose to soon enough and that things will be alright, it’s just the whole “when” but worrying too much on that will cause stress and i’ve been trying to keep from doing that lately, when your busy and on roll, it doesn’t bother you, it’s only when you’ve sat down and are thinking too much to where it’ll start to become a nuisance is all, but patience and not giving up can help.

P.s. I wrote this post I believe yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it until now, these are just some thought of mine is all…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa