Last Day Of December And 2018……LONG REFLECTION!!!

So it’s the last day of December and there’s only a few more hours left until we enter 2019………..maybe for some it’s already 2019 i’m not sure, I know some people are closer to it being 2019 then we are though. It’s been quite a year 2018 has, a lot happened, I met my boyfriend in person in the beginning of January of 2018, he came back again in March and pretty much lived over here for 3 months, we got to spend our 1 year anniversary together and he even spent my birthday with me………that was the happiest i’ve ever been having him with me and being together for that long, it’ll always be one of my favorite moments of the year.

He got to meet one of my internet friends who became one of my best friends and who actually was the one that helped me create this blog of mine, so that was another moment that i’m thankful for with this year. He got to meet one of my best friends I went to high school with which was nice as well, it was just real nice having him with me and getting to know everyone and everything in general…………so many different moments that I could put here that was just very memorable in 2018 and I want to keep those in mind and put them in my memory box as I hold on to them real tightly and that’s what i’m gonna do my best to do, because those are the things I should be remembering and focusing on.

I know I talked about this year being both the best and not the best at the same time, but i’ve found myself only focusing on what wasn’t good about this year and i’m real sorry about that……….I put all my energy and focus on what happened that wasn’t good and wondering why it happened that I didn’t appreciate the good parts about this year……….I put myself in this state of mind that I hated, kicked myself down a whole lot, blamed myself for everything and that’s not something that should’ve happened, although yeah there was a lot of hard times especially around the summer, I still shouldn’t have looked at the negatives with this year……….this year would’ve turned out a whole lot differently, had I looked at it differently.

Did I make a lot of mistakes!? yes, am I proud of them!? no I am not, but that doesn’t mean that I should only look at the things I did wrong, i’m not perfect, I always tried to be and the truth of the matter is i’m not and i’m not going to ever be…………..and that’s something that was always hard for me to come to terms with, because i’ve always had this perfectionist in me that felt that everything I did had to be perfect, that’s why for so many years, i’ve always did what everyone wanted me to do, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, I always wanted everyone to be happy…………but constantly wanting everyone to be happy, you find that you become unhappy in the process of that and that’s when you start breaking down.

This year……….I guess I finally broke down and I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up doing what came naturally to me and that was to shut down……..and that took me away from everything, some would say otherwise, but it was me who broke down, it was me who made myself the way I was…………and the weird part is…………I never once stopped to think that, I never once asked myself why I was the way I was, but you realize that sitting with yourself and being in your head 24/7 there’s a lot of things that you uncover about yourself and there was a lot of things that I uncovered about myself and I began to like myself less and less because of that, which made me become very hard on myself and i’ve always been hard on myself, but it was never to the point of where I was this year.

There’s a lot of different things I learned this year, I learned that blaming yourself for things all the time isn’t good, I learned that although you may want to change things and you wish that certain things would go back to how they use to be, they won’t and you can’t……….and yeah it’s real frustrating, but you can’t change the past, you can only work on trying to makes sure the next thing that you do doesn’t turn out the way it did before.

I learned that you can’t keep dwelling on what happened in the past, you’ll only keep yourself there by doing that and that’s not something you want. I learned that we’re not the only ones that have a hard time, there are worst things that happen and when we feel as though, we’re going through so much, we complain about it, it’s just a human thing, it’s okay to complain once in a while, but you also have to make sure that you know that, there are people who go through things a whole lot more than what we are going through, in the moments when we’re feeling at our lowest of lows, but know it’s also alright to have a few bad days yourself, just make sure you’re not having them all the time.

Those are a lot of lessons that I had and still need to keep in mind, but the main and big thing that I learned this year is, in order to move forward you have to let yourself move forward and not let fear keep you from putting in hard work to things, as much as we may want it to, life doesn’t come easy, but that still shouldn’t stop you from living life. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to know how everything is going to play out and how it’s going to be, whether you’ll do well and everything……….but when you find yourself doing that, you end up putting so much more stress and pressure on yourself for it, that it makes your brain think that it’s scary and that you’re unable to do it, which will make you freeze up and it’ll make you think that you’re not going to be good enough for it and you don’t want to ever do that.

You don’t want to let fear keep you from being happy and enjoying things, because you’re afraid that it’s not going to go well or that you’re going to mess everything up, you have to do your best to keep your mind away from those sorts of thoughts, because if you let it take over, you’ll never want to move and believe me that’s something you want to avoid doing. If there’s anything you should avoid, avoid holding yourself back and keeping yourself from where I kept myself all these years, i’ve been afraid my whole life and because I was afraid and scared I ended up not really trying as hard as I should’ve, keeping myself within four walls everywhere I went and trust me that’s not how you want to live, it gets boring after a while of it.

This coming from me and from someone who has kept herself to herself for a very long time, if you ever find yourself wanting to hold yourself back from something that you feel deeply for or just anything, DON’T unless you feel it to be super important, don’t hold yourself back, be happy and give things a try even if you end up not liking it, try, you’ll thank yourself so much for it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for it too.

This year has been full of lessons, emotions and a whooole lot of thinking, i’m a little nervous for this year i’ll be honest, although it’s just another year, it’s a year that I really need to make count and not be afraid of and that’s scary, but I know that by changing things around, i’ll feel better for it.

So……..what’s your reflection on 2018!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

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