Tackling The Important Stuff……

Although things seems to be a little on pause with everything going on, it doesn’t mean that we should take away our focus on what is needing our focus…..there’s a lot of reasons to why everything is happening, mainly because the Earth is needing a little bit of healing, so that’s what it’s doing and that’s why we’re experiencing, what we’re experiencing!!

That being said, I do hope that those who are either effected or being effected heal and get better, we all know that this will all pass in time and that we just have to wait it out and I know for many it’s a little hard, but all we can do is try our best to keep focus and actually try and use this time wisely to work on the things that need to be worked on or tackle the sort of things that need tackling and all that jazz…….

It’s during moments like this where we’re having to really reflect and think about a lot of things…..what kind of things you might ask!? Well that depends really, sometimes only you know, what kind of things have a lot of you been finding yourself reflecting on lately!? If you’re answering or thinking to yourself about it, then it’s those things, now I don’t have a clue what those things are, but it’s that……if you’ve been ignoring certain stuff,

You’ll find that with this moment where we’re being forced…..okay let’s not use the word force, instead let’s use the word…..ADVISED!! We’re being advised to stay in until everything clears up……now you’ll notice that a lot of the things that we may have been ignoring let’s say, have found it’s way back on our attention radar, you may wonder why and it’s because we haven’t quite dealt with it, obviously, be it on purpose, not having the time,

or just not really knowing how to respond to it and so on…….with everything now going on though, those things are making themselves known and we’re being again, advised to try and deal with them….how, we may still ask or wonder!? By acknowledging it, instead of trying to avoid it!!

By avoiding it, we’re only delaying the issue or the things that clearly need working on, the more we avoid it, the worst it gets, you never want things to get too bad to the point where everything starts falling apart, so if we can we should really take a look and start acknowledging the things that need acknowledging because it’s so easy to put things off, the real challenge is realizing something needs working on and trying our best to look at those things, see what needs our attention and working on fixing it if we can.

I feel like I have more to say with this topic, but I think I might end up doing a video on it and talking a little bit more about it, this is just the main stuff!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Last Day Of December And 2018……LONG REFLECTION!!!

So it’s the last day of December and there’s only a few more hours left until we enter 2019………..maybe for some it’s already 2019 i’m not sure, I know some people are closer to it being 2019 then we are though. It’s been quite a year 2018 has, a lot happened, I met my boyfriend in person in the beginning of January of 2018, he came back again in March and pretty much lived over here for 3 months, we got to spend our 1 year anniversary together and he even spent my birthday with me………that was the happiest i’ve ever been having him with me and being together for that long, it’ll always be one of my favorite moments of the year.

He got to meet one of my internet friends who became one of my best friends and who actually was the one that helped me create this blog of mine, so that was another moment that i’m thankful for with this year. He got to meet one of my best friends I went to high school with which was nice as well, it was just real nice having him with me and getting to know everyone and everything in general…………so many different moments that I could put here that was just very memorable in 2018 and I want to keep those in mind and put them in my memory box as I hold on to them real tightly and that’s what i’m gonna do my best to do, because those are the things I should be remembering and focusing on.

I know I talked about this year being both the best and not the best at the same time, but i’ve found myself only focusing on what wasn’t good about this year and i’m real sorry about that……….I put all my energy and focus on what happened that wasn’t good and wondering why it happened that I didn’t appreciate the good parts about this year……….I put myself in this state of mind that I hated, kicked myself down a whole lot, blamed myself for everything and that’s not something that should’ve happened, although yeah there was a lot of hard times especially around the summer, I still shouldn’t have looked at the negatives with this year……….this year would’ve turned out a whole lot differently, had I looked at it differently.

Did I make a lot of mistakes!? yes, am I proud of them!? no I am not, but that doesn’t mean that I should only look at the things I did wrong, i’m not perfect, I always tried to be and the truth of the matter is i’m not and i’m not going to ever be…………..and that’s something that was always hard for me to come to terms with, because i’ve always had this perfectionist in me that felt that everything I did had to be perfect, that’s why for so many years, i’ve always did what everyone wanted me to do, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, I always wanted everyone to be happy…………but constantly wanting everyone to be happy, you find that you become unhappy in the process of that and that’s when you start breaking down.

This year……….I guess I finally broke down and I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up doing what came naturally to me and that was to shut down……..and that took me away from everything, some would say otherwise, but it was me who broke down, it was me who made myself the way I was…………and the weird part is…………I never once stopped to think that, I never once asked myself why I was the way I was, but you realize that sitting with yourself and being in your head 24/7 there’s a lot of things that you uncover about yourself and there was a lot of things that I uncovered about myself and I began to like myself less and less because of that, which made me become very hard on myself and i’ve always been hard on myself, but it was never to the point of where I was this year.

There’s a lot of different things I learned this year, I learned that blaming yourself for things all the time isn’t good, I learned that although you may want to change things and you wish that certain things would go back to how they use to be, they won’t and you can’t……….and yeah it’s real frustrating, but you can’t change the past, you can only work on trying to makes sure the next thing that you do doesn’t turn out the way it did before.

I learned that you can’t keep dwelling on what happened in the past, you’ll only keep yourself there by doing that and that’s not something you want. I learned that we’re not the only ones that have a hard time, there are worst things that happen and when we feel as though, we’re going through so much, we complain about it, it’s just a human thing, it’s okay to complain once in a while, but you also have to make sure that you know that, there are people who go through things a whole lot more than what we are going through, in the moments when we’re feeling at our lowest of lows, but know it’s also alright to have a few bad days yourself, just make sure you’re not having them all the time.

Those are a lot of lessons that I had and still need to keep in mind, but the main and big thing that I learned this year is, in order to move forward you have to let yourself move forward and not let fear keep you from putting in hard work to things, as much as we may want it to, life doesn’t come easy, but that still shouldn’t stop you from living life. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to know how everything is going to play out and how it’s going to be, whether you’ll do well and everything……….but when you find yourself doing that, you end up putting so much more stress and pressure on yourself for it, that it makes your brain think that it’s scary and that you’re unable to do it, which will make you freeze up and it’ll make you think that you’re not going to be good enough for it and you don’t want to ever do that.

You don’t want to let fear keep you from being happy and enjoying things, because you’re afraid that it’s not going to go well or that you’re going to mess everything up, you have to do your best to keep your mind away from those sorts of thoughts, because if you let it take over, you’ll never want to move and believe me that’s something you want to avoid doing. If there’s anything you should avoid, avoid holding yourself back and keeping yourself from where I kept myself all these years, i’ve been afraid my whole life and because I was afraid and scared I ended up not really trying as hard as I should’ve, keeping myself within four walls everywhere I went and trust me that’s not how you want to live, it gets boring after a while of it.

This coming from me and from someone who has kept herself to herself for a very long time, if you ever find yourself wanting to hold yourself back from something that you feel deeply for or just anything, DON’T unless you feel it to be super important, don’t hold yourself back, be happy and give things a try even if you end up not liking it, try, you’ll thank yourself so much for it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for it too.

This year has been full of lessons, emotions and a whooole lot of thinking, i’m a little nervous for this year i’ll be honest, although it’s just another year, it’s a year that I really need to make count and not be afraid of and that’s scary, but I know that by changing things around, i’ll feel better for it.

So……..what’s your reflection on 2018!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

This Brain Of Mine….

Oh brain, why do you overthink so much!? Why are you always playing things over and over in my head when you know that’s where my focus is going to be!? Why do you find the need to leave me in all these thoughts that race back and fourth in this mind of ours!? You know exactly what you’re doing, you know that if you give me things to think about, that i’m not gonna stop thinking about them until I figure out what it is you want me to know and what it is you’re trying to tell me, are you even trying to tell me anything or are you just trying to distract me from things!?

I don’t know why you’re so easy to get so consumed in, a lot of the time you don’t give me the best advice, you just give me so many options to so many things that it’s hard to choose from them all. You may give me a few ideas here and there, but once we act on it, you try and convince me that it wasn’t a good idea after all, even when the feeling of it tells you otherwise…….Why do you worry so much, why do you make me feel as though everything I go to do won’t be good enough before we even get started completely!? Why is it always why with you and what if’s and all the uncertainties!? Why do I always let you win with every battle I fight with you!? I don’t know why, I don’t even know why i’m asking myself why, I should already know right!?

I just keep listening to you even when I know I shouldn’t, all these years where I could’ve been doing all these different things and I let you get in the way of my successes……….I listened to you when you told me I shouldn’t do things that I was thinking about doing, you brought fear into my head and you let fear give me limits to what I could do, you made me give limits to myself and then I became my own fear, I became this person who was afraid of everything………..You make things so much more difficult then I know they really are, I try to tell myself that it’s not as hard as it may seem, but you keep telling me otherwise, you keep wanting me to stay this way and then I end up feeling really bad about it and when I sat and blamed everyone else……….it turned out to be that the real issue was me.

I did it, I let you win, every time I tried or wanted to fight back, somehow you were always stronger than me and that’s because I didn’t fight back hard enough, i’m trying to fight back now against you and I struggle to because of much I let you control and take over………..I don’t want you to take over anymore. I want to overcome all these fears you put in front of me to keep me in your grasps, I don’t want you to keep telling me something is a bad idea even when you’re the one giving me the ideas, I don’t want you making me worry about every little thing anymore, I don’t want the what if’s or the maybe you shouldn’t’s or anything that makes me question things that might actually be something I might and could enjoy.

I want to push past you and surprise myself on things that I thought I could never be good at, even if I do struggle and you keep coming around to put more and more fears in my face, I want to be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how many times I fall, even if I hesitate, I don’t want those hesitations to keep me from stopping or looking back and falling back in line for you. I let you convince me for too long that I should be scared and that I shouldn’t try or that I should just give up and I don’t want you ever to stop me again from reaching my potential, I don’t want you to be in charge any longer, i’m gonna do my hardest and the best that I can to make sure you don’t make me hold myself back again.

Things may be scary and we could possibly get hurt, but in life sometimes you have to fall so hard to the ground that it makes you really look at yourself and decide on whether you want to give up or if you want to keep going and I want to keep going, I need to keep going, I know what i’m capable of, I may not be the quickest at doing things and I may take a lot of time with it, but I know that i’m capable. I know that if I just put my mind and everything in me to it, I can do it, but I don’t want you trying to convince me otherwise, I know the fear in me is strong right now and I know that it’s gonna take everything I have to gain the amount of courage that I need in order to break away from all this fear inside me.

I know that I can do it though, I know that i’m stronger than I make myself believe and I know that everything has to come from me, I try and help everyone else with the advice I give, but I know that I need to start taking it in myself. My mind is me, but i’m not my mind, I am stronger than it, I can beat this even when sometimes I don’t feel like I can. It’s not impossible, no more trying to be or do things perfectly, no one is perfect, we’re all perfectly imperfect, we all make mistakes and mess up and give ourselves a hard time and that’s okay, it’s okay to not have everything figured out, it’s okay that we’re not always happy, we’re gonna struggle and it’s gonna be hard, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to get through it.

Brain I hope you’re listening to me, I need you to listen to me, please stop making things so much more complicated then they actually are and stop being afraid, it’s okay to be scared, but stop being afraid to where it makes me stop and overthink things and over analyze everything, there’s no need to overanalyze, try and make thing a lot more simpler, you might thank me for it later.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Self Destruction (Dec 12, 2018)

Originally Written Dec 10, 2018

Why do we do it!? Why do we insist on watching ourselves suffer when we know that it’s not right!? Why is it so easy to tear ourselves down then it is to build ourselves up!? We sit and watch ourselves drown in our own sorrows and continue to rip ourselves in half when we feel we aren’t getting things right………we break and we break until we don’t have many pieces left to break. We expect everyone else to fix us and make us feel better, but we always know that deep down, it doesn’t matter how many people help and try and lift us up………..we’ll still feel broken inside and that’s because we’ve broken down ourselves so much that, although we want and try and let people in, we always end up pushing them away or trying to push them away when they try to help us, because we feel what’s the point!?

We can’t even fix ourselves so, how are we meant to let others help us if we can’t even help ourselves!? I mean we’re the one who chose to stay this way right!? We could fix ourselves and be better, yet we prefer to keep ourselves the way we are, on the ground or by locking ourselves away and choosing to stay isolated……..we chose to not try, we’d rather just dwell and keep ourselves just sitting in the dirt not wanting to change, why!? Why do we do that, why can’t we just fight ourselves, breakaway and set ourselves free!? We have the potential don’t we!? We have the creative mind and heart to go for it right!?…….Right!?

Maybe we don’t, maybe things are great where we are, it’s familiar and safe, I mean sure we fight against ourselves and, and we long for more than what we know and we try to make the most of where we are, even though we know we aren’t happy where we are. We continue to say, “let’s give it another try”, “i’m kinda happy, sorta, i’m trying” or “I don’t know how to move on, so I choose to stay here, because this is all I know………broken is all I know”………….I’m learning that if you try to convince yourself that you’re happy with what you’re doing and where you are, you’re just gonna continue to feel more and more unhappy and when that happens, that’s when you start to overthink and then your emotions start to take over, which then causes you to self destruct. 

There’s a lot of different ways you can self destruct: There’s trying your best to always be perfect, wanting to always make everyone else happy, keeping yourself isolated from everything, not being honest with yourself about your true feelings, keeping yourself in the same situation over and over……….I could sit here and list so many different things. We all self destruct at some point, some of us are good at hiding it and others it’s not always so easy………..the fact that we would rather hurt ourselves though and let ourselves get to the point of self destruction, is selfish and upsetting because it means you don’t care about yourself and when you don’t care about yourself, it’s hard to care about everything else………..you should care, you should be wanting to feel happy.

If you continue to let yourself have breakdowns after breakdowns or constantly make yourself feel like you’re not enough or you aren’t capable of anything, it’s only gonna leave you in a pile of your own destruction, do you really want that!? You have to be your own friend, if you start sabotaging yourself the only person to blame for all that is you, because you have the choice to finally stop yourself from completely destroying and I hope that you do finally stop tearing yourself away, because even though that mind of yours tells you that you aren’t good enough, you know that deep in your heart and soul, you are.

The mind can easily play tricks on you, but it’s you who has the choice to believe what the mind is telling you or fight back and save yourself from having a complete meltdown and if you’ve had meltdowns already, know that it’s okay, we all do, but  don’t think that it’s too late to change the way you are, because it’s not. Sometimes we have to have meltdowns after meltdowns in order to finally realize that what we do to ourselves affect us in a big way whether we think so or not, so please really look to yourself and ask yourself if what you’re doing is worth it and is what your doing making you happy!? If it’s not, then you know what it is you have to do, change it or keep self destructing, the choice is yours……..and I hope that you choose wisely. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~ 

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Just Reflecting……..

You know I was sitting outside in my backyard today, i’ve been doing that a lot lately I get up, do whatever I do in the morning and then go in the backyard (I take my dog out if it didn’t rain, but if it did or does I keep her inside although I didn’t know the grass was wet today and I took her out because it was sunny and well she had fun rolling around in the grass) anyway back to reflecting, so I went into the backyard today and I just walked around a bit in the grass while my dog was doing her thing and running around in the back and i’ve just been thinking and reflecting on a lot, I sat on the back steps and in the grass and was just taking in everything, listening to the birds and the natural noises of nature it was really nice……..you know we don’t really realize how much just listening to the pretty noises of the earth can help you really reflect on everything.

Lately for me i’ve just been reflecting on my life and where I want to go with it, if i’m being honest I don’t really get out the house much except for if i’m going in the backyard or if I go places with friends or family and I don’t really have a lot of friends, just a small amount that i’m close with and they don’t really live near me so I don’t go anywhere and I know that’s not good and I should go out more, but in all reality I don’t really like going out much for one, because I was never really a big fan for going out, I always preferred to stay in and if I do go out (which I don’t much) I like going with someone, because it’s just a lot more fun that way and you have good company in the process, but i’ve come to really take in everything and I realize that being and staying in one place isn’t healthy for yourself and if you want to experience more you’ll have to put yourself out there first and that’s what i’ve been trying to work on for a long time now.

I started to push myself where I use to live and I really enjoyed it because I liked where I was and the area, it was one of my favorite places and still is, but when we moved I kinda went back and just stood to myself and didn’t go anywhere because I didn’t like the area, not saying it’s bad, i’m just saying that it didn’t feel the same compared to where I use to live, I mean it’s alright, but I wasn’t really thrilled with moving here in the first place, plus I was away from my friends and I didn’t like that very much. I just missed everything about where I use to be. I missed being able to walk to my friends house who was a few blocks away from me, if my friends wanted to come over they could’ve easily and just the area it’s self, I still miss it and that’s not gonna change, but I also know that I can’t keep myself in the same spot all the time, I do need to get out more and just try at least, even if I don’t like where i’m at, I should at least try……building up the courage and confidence for it though is a bit hard, but i’m working on it……..sometimes we all need to reflect on things and just really look at ourselves in order to change things in our lives.

We all have something that we reflect on be it our lives, things around us just everything, sometimes we’ll even reflect on music or a book we read, just because maybe it really spoke to us in someway or because we’re trying to decipher the message it’s trying to tell us. We don’t have to just reflect on one thing, it can be a lot of different things, if it sticks in our minds or we feel it then we’re gonna reflect on it, sitting with yourself and being able to reflect on everything going on, helps you really look at things in a different perspective then what you normally see it as and it’ll help to open your eyes better and see things clearer to where it make sense. Take time to reflect on things if you really need to because it’s always good to sit with yourself and ponder a bit just to kinda gather everything and get a better insight on everything in the process.

That’s all I have to say, I know this isn’t a really long blog post compared to my other ones, but this is just something that I wanted to share because I felt like I needed to, i’ve been constantly really looking at myself lately and just thinking a lot more on everything. I hope that you’re able to take something from this and it gets you thinking as well, I also hope that everything I said here made sense, I started writing this earlier today, but I went away from it a bit and then I came back because…….I don’t know I felt I needed to, but anyway I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening.

(Originally Written July 30th)

 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~