This Brain Of Mine….

Oh brain, why do you overthink so much!? Why are you always playing things over and over in my head when you know that’s where my focus is going to be!? Why do you find the need to leave me in all these thoughts that race back and fourth in this mind of ours!? You know exactly what you’re doing, you know that if you give me things to think about, that i’m not gonna stop thinking about them until I figure out what it is you want me to know and what it is you’re trying to tell me, are you even trying to tell me anything or are you just trying to distract me from things!?

I don’t know why you’re so easy to get so consumed in, a lot of the time you don’t give me the best advice, you just give me so many options to so many things that it’s hard to choose from them all. You may give me a few ideas here and there, but once we act on it, you try and convince me that it wasn’t a good idea after all, even when the feeling of it tells you otherwise…….Why do you worry so much, why do you make me feel as though everything I go to do won’t be good enough before we even get started completely!? Why is it always why with you and what if’s and all the uncertainties!? Why do I always let you win with every battle I fight with you!? I don’t know why, I don’t even know why i’m asking myself why, I should already know right!?

I just keep listening to you even when I know I shouldn’t, all these years where I could’ve been doing all these different things and I let you get in the way of my successes……….I listened to you when you told me I shouldn’t do things that I was thinking about doing, you brought fear into my head and you let fear give me limits to what I could do, you made me give limits to myself and then I became my own fear, I became this person who was afraid of everything………..You make things so much more difficult then I know they really are, I try to tell myself that it’s not as hard as it may seem, but you keep telling me otherwise, you keep wanting me to stay this way and then I end up feeling really bad about it and when I sat and blamed everyone else……….it turned out to be that the real issue was me.

I did it, I let you win, every time I tried or wanted to fight back, somehow you were always stronger than me and that’s because I didn’t fight back hard enough, i’m trying to fight back now against you and I struggle to because of much I let you control and take over………..I don’t want you to take over anymore. I want to overcome all these fears you put in front of me to keep me in your grasps, I don’t want you to keep telling me something is a bad idea even when you’re the one giving me the ideas, I don’t want you making me worry about every little thing anymore, I don’t want the what if’s or the maybe you shouldn’t’s or anything that makes me question things that might actually be something I might and could enjoy.

I want to push past you and surprise myself on things that I thought I could never be good at, even if I do struggle and you keep coming around to put more and more fears in my face, I want to be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how many times I fall, even if I hesitate, I don’t want those hesitations to keep me from stopping or looking back and falling back in line for you. I let you convince me for too long that I should be scared and that I shouldn’t try or that I should just give up and I don’t want you ever to stop me again from reaching my potential, I don’t want you to be in charge any longer, i’m gonna do my hardest and the best that I can to make sure you don’t make me hold myself back again.

Things may be scary and we could possibly get hurt, but in life sometimes you have to fall so hard to the ground that it makes you really look at yourself and decide on whether you want to give up or if you want to keep going and I want to keep going, I need to keep going, I know what i’m capable of, I may not be the quickest at doing things and I may take a lot of time with it, but I know that i’m capable. I know that if I just put my mind and everything in me to it, I can do it, but I don’t want you trying to convince me otherwise, I know the fear in me is strong right now and I know that it’s gonna take everything I have to gain the amount of courage that I need in order to break away from all this fear inside me.

I know that I can do it though, I know that i’m stronger than I make myself believe and I know that everything has to come from me, I try and help everyone else with the advice I give, but I know that I need to start taking it in myself. My mind is me, but i’m not my mind, I am stronger than it, I can beat this even when sometimes I don’t feel like I can. It’s not impossible, no more trying to be or do things perfectly, no one is perfect, we’re all perfectly imperfect, we all make mistakes and mess up and give ourselves a hard time and that’s okay, it’s okay to not have everything figured out, it’s okay that we’re not always happy, we’re gonna struggle and it’s gonna be hard, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to get through it.

Brain I hope you’re listening to me, I need you to listen to me, please stop making things so much more complicated then they actually are and stop being afraid, it’s okay to be scared, but stop being afraid to where it makes me stop and overthink things and over analyze everything, there’s no need to overanalyze, try and make thing a lot more simpler, you might thank me for it later.

All The Love ā¤ ā¤

~Lexa~

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