January, January….

With this month pretty much over now, you’re probably asking yourself “hey how do you think it went!? Don’t ask me i’m still wondering that myself, you got your good days and your not so great day, but overall i’m still not completely sure how this month went, after being away for 3 months on here and just recently returning, you’d think i’d have a lot to say, well to tell you the truth, I really don’t!! Not as often as i’d like at least! However, I still try to bring something and i’m realizing that it’s probably going to be in the spare of the moment for a bit longer, unless I have something I really want to talk about, not thoughts related, but more on things that bring joy and happiness to me in the moments that they do.

My thoughts lately have been a bit everywhere these days with reasonings to it, but also just because they’re everywhere, whether that makes sense or not, hopefully you still get what i’m trying to say….i’m trying to find different things that I can share that will have me coming back here just wanting to share and maybe it’s going to take just a little bit longer and that’s something I have to be okay with….not just with being on here,

but in general, there are things in mind that I have been jotting down and although the thought and idea of it makes me excited….it’s still something that I get nervous about because it’s a whole new thing that i’ve yet to try and take a chance on…i’ve been trying to map it out, in a way I feel might work for me, in a sense where it doesn’t appear as too intimidating, as well as just trying to get myself warmed up for it!!

I may have it written down in a journal yes….but I know there’s a difference between it being an idea and thought compared to actually giving it ago and that’s what i’m trying to get myself warmed up for, being ready for this step of trying something new and just seeing what happens and it’s something I also find myself worrying about, but at the same time i’ve been trying not to bring it as a worry, but see it as something that i’m just preparing for and wanting to have it work out alright before fully getting into it, it’s just a double checking of everything making sure i’m okay with what I have set to go forth with if that makes sense!?

If I had to say how I think this month went, I guess that would be it, just having the thought of wanting to be better prepared for what i’m actually trying to do or better yet, having the idea of what i’m wanting to do….a lot of stuff has been coming out of nowhere and not saying that it’s a bad thing because most times things that come out of nowhere tends to be good and work out well, but sometime you just want to take a moment to really say to yourself “okay let me think about this for a second” with life a lot of things get rushed passed you and it can get very overwhelming and so having that little bit of spared time to really sit and reflect can save a lot of stressful days and help to clear the mind a little so you can feel a little better with where you feel you’re going with whatever journey you find yourself walking….that’s my view of this month!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

May To Go With June To Arrive…..

So it’s the end of a month that month being May and tomorrow we’ll be closer to Summer and into a new month called June…..I wish I could tell you how exactly I feel knowing we’ve reached Summer territory or just about going into a new month all together, but I really don’t know,

It’s weird because toward the beginning of this year everything felt like it was going slow….mainly around March time, that was a very long month for some reason and then everything started happening and we had to go into lockdown and practice social distancing, still do to be fair……this year just really turned everything upside down and threw us in all sorts of directions.

Now I won’t go fully into it, because I don’t really like going into things that are very personal…..but yesterday was a very odd day, well actually the odd day started Friday into yesterday…..but it was just a very busy day, but not in the way you would think…..it was also pretty overwhelming at least for me, there was just so much happening some things out of enjoyment and some not expected, but expected at the same time if that makes sense!?

It’s hard to really explain without going into full details about it, it’s like have you ever looked around and seen so much going on, yet at the same time, you find that you don’t really know how to feel!? Not only that, but you then notice how what you’re feeling is completely different to everyone’s feelings……again it’s hard to explain…..point is……

Yesterday was a lot and it took way too much energy than expected out of me……it was sorta like, the energy was borrowed in a way and once I had used it all, I had to find some more energy to keep going I didn’t really get time to find a little peace and quiet and when I did it was when a lot of things weren’t really happening…..it was just a lot to take in within the moment and just a day as a whole………it wasn’t a favorable kind of day,

but it was okay I guess……I can’t really explain yesterday…..let’s just say it was filled with a lot of emotions and some unexpected things.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Tackling The Important Stuff……

Although things seems to be a little on pause with everything going on, it doesn’t mean that we should take away our focus on what is needing our focus…..there’s a lot of reasons to why everything is happening, mainly because the Earth is needing a little bit of healing, so that’s what it’s doing and that’s why we’re experiencing, what we’re experiencing!!

That being said, I do hope that those who are either effected or being effected heal and get better, we all know that this will all pass in time and that we just have to wait it out and I know for many it’s a little hard, but all we can do is try our best to keep focus and actually try and use this time wisely to work on the things that need to be worked on or tackle the sort of things that need tackling and all that jazz…….

It’s during moments like this where we’re having to really reflect and think about a lot of things…..what kind of things you might ask!? Well that depends really, sometimes only you know, what kind of things have a lot of you been finding yourself reflecting on lately!? If you’re answering or thinking to yourself about it, then it’s those things, now I don’t have a clue what those things are, but it’s that……if you’ve been ignoring certain stuff,

You’ll find that with this moment where we’re being forced…..okay let’s not use the word force, instead let’s use the word…..ADVISED!! We’re being advised to stay in until everything clears up……now you’ll notice that a lot of the things that we may have been ignoring let’s say, have found it’s way back on our attention radar, you may wonder why and it’s because we haven’t quite dealt with it, obviously, be it on purpose, not having the time,

or just not really knowing how to respond to it and so on…….with everything now going on though, those things are making themselves known and we’re being again, advised to try and deal with them….how, we may still ask or wonder!? By acknowledging it, instead of trying to avoid it!!

By avoiding it, we’re only delaying the issue or the things that clearly need working on, the more we avoid it, the worst it gets, you never want things to get too bad to the point where everything starts falling apart, so if we can we should really take a look and start acknowledging the things that need acknowledging because it’s so easy to put things off, the real challenge is realizing something needs working on and trying our best to look at those things, see what needs our attention and working on fixing it if we can.

I feel like I have more to say with this topic, but I think I might end up doing a video on it and talking a little bit more about it, this is just the main stuff!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

A Slight Reflection, But Not One Completely…..

Hiya, so how has everyone’s day been!? I hope good…..today’s been a bit on the rainy side over here, but it hasn’t been all that bad so that’s something right!? I actually didn’t realize I hadn’t written anything for about 3 days, I thought it was only 2, but I guess I skipped the 27th, I remember that because I had a really bad headache that day, as for the weekend…..

I didn’t have much to write about so I didn’t write anything, I hope all of your weekends were alright though, can’t believe tomorrow is the last day of December and of 2019…….*deep breath* and *exhale* I……I don’t even know what to say really, just wow……that is all I want to say on that!!

To be honest, there’s a lot that i’ve been reflecting on with 2019 and just thinking of as whole, but I really don’t want to express on it, at least not right now anyway, sometimes it’s best to just think silently on everything at least until you’re able to really gather everything together,

It’s like if you’re searching for wood or any kind of scraps you can find to add to a campfire, you look for the best kind of wood or ones that you’re sure will burn the longest, but also have the fire last the longest so you don’t have to go and search for some for a while, you know what I mean!?

Once you actually find the wood you’re looking for, you know you’ll soon be closer to being able to enjoy the campfire and all it’s warmth and all that jazz!! What’s funny though is, i’ve never actually made a campfire before so I have no idea why I even just made that comparison, but hey, I did so…..hopefully it worked and made sense, if not just go with it okay!!

All I can tell you is i’ll be searching for some bark for a good while, before I actually enjoy the campfire and it’ll be interesting considering i’ve never made one before so, who knows how it’ll go, hopefully it’ll all work out okay though and hopefully it’ll be in the way that i’m hoping for it……the only thing that is needed is patience, faith and trust that it will work out fine!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Almost A Year (July 1, 2019 Entry)

So this summer is doing some speed by’s alright, we’ve finished with June and now we’re in the month of July, it’s insane how quick that’s gone, surprising, no, it tends to always happen that way, but it’s not going to stop us from saying ” Woah what the….that was quick” every time….

In a few more days it’ll be a year since creating this blog, how crazy is that huh!? If you were to ask me how I feel about it, well for one I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly, let’s just say it’s not been easy!! I mean it hasn’t been extremely hard, but it hasn’t been a walk in the park either that’s just my experience with it anyway, i’m sure it’s not always like that for everyone.

I’m not going to really go into my blogging experience just yet, i’d like to wait until we get to a year of it first at least, this is just a small lead up to it. I know, I know, the anticipation right haha (no i’m kidding)

I’ve gotta admit though, i’m feeling a little nervous and anxious, not for the 1 year of blogging coming up or anything, for other reasons that I can’t really wrap my head around at the moment, when it comes to how i’m going to feel with it getting close to a year of blogging however,

I’m curious to know how exactly i’m going to feel that day, will I be anxious, excited or will I not have a specific reaction at all!? That is something we’ll have to wait and find out about won’t we!?

Now i’ve been thinking (it’s actually my specialty) seriously though, i’ve been thinking about ways to where I could make this blog better, not that i’m unhappy with it, I just always feel it could use something else to it, what exactly……that’s a good question actually!! I was thinking maybe a bit more personal or something, you know really let some emotions out, but then I think is that too much, should I not!?

I could also add more interest of things that i’d want to share on here, but I don’t quite know, it’s something i’ll have to really sit and think on, not overly, because I tend to have a habit of getting my brain all worked up because i’m stressing on things way more than I need to…….AS ALWAYS!!

It’s pretty much the story of my life if i’m being honest……anyone else out there feel that way!? Probably…..but anyway, with that I hope you guys are having a good Summer and your enjoying yourselves as well as your day and I hope you’re all doing well too!!

Before I sign off, I wanted to leave you all with a song of the day, I came up with something and was thinking whenever I write entries like this, i’ll add a song at the end so it doesn’t seem so bare, you know!?

Song Of The Day: Rescue By Hunter Hayes

This song is one of my favorites, it’s also one that i’ve been singing to myself again recently, so I thought hey why not share it, it’s a really good song, it’s a country song if you’re alright with that, not only are the lyrics great, but so is the music video for it, it’s quite artsy and inspiring depending on how you look at it……probably could’ve did a summer song to welcome July,

However I chose this song for a reason, it’s the type of song where if you’re feeling a bit low or are going through something, it let’s you know “hey it’s okay, i’m here for you and I understand the way you feel, cause I feel it too sometimes” so if you want to let some emotions out or you’re looking for a bit of comfort or just looking for a new song, it’s there for you!!

Also if you’re wanting to chat about anything, doesn’t have to be anything serious, could be random, feel free to share here, i’ll be more than happy to listen, signing off now, Happy July 1st everyone!! ^_^ (now the 2nd)

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

The Road To Responsibility….

When you’re a kid you don’t really have that many responsibilities, but each time we get older we tend to learn a new one and then it just starts to form as something we don’t need to memorize because we’ve done it so much and once we become a full on adult, that’s when the responsibility really come around, we tend to handle more and more, our stress levels fly through the roof majority of the time and then we learn struggle………

You wonder if you’re able to handle it all, because when we’re younger we think that everything is easy, we don’t really have much care about anything, but then you come to that road where everything that you once knew or thought was simple and easy, ends up not being so simple and easy………you find that decisions become harder to make and that things become a whole lot much more tougher to get through.

We don’t see those kind of things when we’re younger, we don’t see the stress, struggle or all the other things people had to get through just to get to where they wanted to be……..to us as kids, we just see the results of it, not the hardships of it all. There’s so much more to it, there’s always a story behind it, everything has a story behind it, even if we’re not always exactly sure what that story is, there’s always one……..

When you come to a crossroad of responsibility and thinking things are always so simple and easy, which one would you go on choosing!? I’m going to guess the simple and easy road right!? That’s what we all want to say, but in a realistic world, it’s not always like that, we can try to avoid all the responsibility in the world, but we all know at some point, we’re going to have to take them on one way or another and it’s better to take them on once it’s in front of you then to keep leaving it for another time.

Leaving it for another time only delays it, it doesn’t make it go away, the more next times we give it, the more we’ll have to do and believe me when I say, you never want things to pile up, because you’ll just end up stressing more about it and you don’t want that.

Now I know why people plan things out sometimes, it’s because it helps them get things done better and helps them sort all they need to out, i’m not much of planner…….however, I do have a planner side to me though, we all have some kind of a planner side, even if we don’t use it much, when it comes to responsibility though, sometimes you need to use your planning side, otherwise how would we know where to start!?

There comes a moment where you have to step up to the responsibility of your life, even if you’re not sure how, you don’t have to do it alone, hopefully there’s some support there for you, but eventually we will have to walk down that path sooner or later, better sooner than later though……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Last Day Of December And 2018……LONG REFLECTION!!!

So it’s the last day of December and there’s only a few more hours left until we enter 2019………..maybe for some it’s already 2019 i’m not sure, I know some people are closer to it being 2019 then we are though. It’s been quite a year 2018 has, a lot happened, I met my boyfriend in person in the beginning of January of 2018, he came back again in March and pretty much lived over here for 3 months, we got to spend our 1 year anniversary together and he even spent my birthday with me………that was the happiest i’ve ever been having him with me and being together for that long, it’ll always be one of my favorite moments of the year.

He got to meet one of my internet friends who became one of my best friends and who actually was the one that helped me create this blog of mine, so that was another moment that i’m thankful for with this year. He got to meet one of my best friends I went to high school with which was nice as well, it was just real nice having him with me and getting to know everyone and everything in general…………so many different moments that I could put here that was just very memorable in 2018 and I want to keep those in mind and put them in my memory box as I hold on to them real tightly and that’s what i’m gonna do my best to do, because those are the things I should be remembering and focusing on.

I know I talked about this year being both the best and not the best at the same time, but i’ve found myself only focusing on what wasn’t good about this year and i’m real sorry about that……….I put all my energy and focus on what happened that wasn’t good and wondering why it happened that I didn’t appreciate the good parts about this year……….I put myself in this state of mind that I hated, kicked myself down a whole lot, blamed myself for everything and that’s not something that should’ve happened, although yeah there was a lot of hard times especially around the summer, I still shouldn’t have looked at the negatives with this year……….this year would’ve turned out a whole lot differently, had I looked at it differently.

Did I make a lot of mistakes!? yes, am I proud of them!? no I am not, but that doesn’t mean that I should only look at the things I did wrong, i’m not perfect, I always tried to be and the truth of the matter is i’m not and i’m not going to ever be…………..and that’s something that was always hard for me to come to terms with, because i’ve always had this perfectionist in me that felt that everything I did had to be perfect, that’s why for so many years, i’ve always did what everyone wanted me to do, because I thought that’s what I needed to do, I always wanted everyone to be happy…………but constantly wanting everyone to be happy, you find that you become unhappy in the process of that and that’s when you start breaking down.

This year……….I guess I finally broke down and I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up doing what came naturally to me and that was to shut down……..and that took me away from everything, some would say otherwise, but it was me who broke down, it was me who made myself the way I was…………and the weird part is…………I never once stopped to think that, I never once asked myself why I was the way I was, but you realize that sitting with yourself and being in your head 24/7 there’s a lot of things that you uncover about yourself and there was a lot of things that I uncovered about myself and I began to like myself less and less because of that, which made me become very hard on myself and i’ve always been hard on myself, but it was never to the point of where I was this year.

There’s a lot of different things I learned this year, I learned that blaming yourself for things all the time isn’t good, I learned that although you may want to change things and you wish that certain things would go back to how they use to be, they won’t and you can’t……….and yeah it’s real frustrating, but you can’t change the past, you can only work on trying to makes sure the next thing that you do doesn’t turn out the way it did before.

I learned that you can’t keep dwelling on what happened in the past, you’ll only keep yourself there by doing that and that’s not something you want. I learned that we’re not the only ones that have a hard time, there are worst things that happen and when we feel as though, we’re going through so much, we complain about it, it’s just a human thing, it’s okay to complain once in a while, but you also have to make sure that you know that, there are people who go through things a whole lot more than what we are going through, in the moments when we’re feeling at our lowest of lows, but know it’s also alright to have a few bad days yourself, just make sure you’re not having them all the time.

Those are a lot of lessons that I had and still need to keep in mind, but the main and big thing that I learned this year is, in order to move forward you have to let yourself move forward and not let fear keep you from putting in hard work to things, as much as we may want it to, life doesn’t come easy, but that still shouldn’t stop you from living life. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to know how everything is going to play out and how it’s going to be, whether you’ll do well and everything……….but when you find yourself doing that, you end up putting so much more stress and pressure on yourself for it, that it makes your brain think that it’s scary and that you’re unable to do it, which will make you freeze up and it’ll make you think that you’re not going to be good enough for it and you don’t want to ever do that.

You don’t want to let fear keep you from being happy and enjoying things, because you’re afraid that it’s not going to go well or that you’re going to mess everything up, you have to do your best to keep your mind away from those sorts of thoughts, because if you let it take over, you’ll never want to move and believe me that’s something you want to avoid doing. If there’s anything you should avoid, avoid holding yourself back and keeping yourself from where I kept myself all these years, i’ve been afraid my whole life and because I was afraid and scared I ended up not really trying as hard as I should’ve, keeping myself within four walls everywhere I went and trust me that’s not how you want to live, it gets boring after a while of it.

This coming from me and from someone who has kept herself to herself for a very long time, if you ever find yourself wanting to hold yourself back from something that you feel deeply for or just anything, DON’T unless you feel it to be super important, don’t hold yourself back, be happy and give things a try even if you end up not liking it, try, you’ll thank yourself so much for it and you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for it too.

This year has been full of lessons, emotions and a whooole lot of thinking, i’m a little nervous for this year i’ll be honest, although it’s just another year, it’s a year that I really need to make count and not be afraid of and that’s scary, but I know that by changing things around, i’ll feel better for it.

So……..what’s your reflection on 2018!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

First Journal…..

Update: Hey everyone, hope you’re all well and enjoying the day just giving you a heads up, I wrote this post a few days ago, can’t remember when exactly, I think I wrote this Thursday or Wednesday, one of those days. In this post i’ll be sharing a small story on my very first journal and speaking about journals in general.

I don’t know exactly when I first started writing, I think I just randomly picked it up somehow, i’m not sure………I think the first thing I ever wrote was a random story I made up while playing with some dolls I had when I was younger, yeah I know. I would always make stuff up when playing with them, but there was this one day where something in me was like, “maybe you should write this down”, I think I had them pretend they were in a school play and I guess I wanted it to be real and so I remember writing the lines, well words that I was saying out loud in this notebook that I had.

I actually had to re-write the story in a really huge notebook because in the notebook I originally wrote it in, it started coming apart and the pencil was fading from it as well, so I had to switch it over. Now the story was the first thing I wrote, but not in a journal, the first journal that was given to me was from my mom, I guess she noticed I was starting to write a lot and so she bought a journal for me, it’s a red one and I actually still have it, when she gave it to me, she wrote a long note in it, which was nice.

I still have that note as well, however the page she wrote it on ripped from the journal, but I still kept it though as a nice memory. I got it when I was around 13, I think I was still in middle school when she gave it to me, I never had an actual personal journal before so I was a little excited when I got it, I ended up writing my songs in there.

I started writing songs around age 13 as well, I believe the first song I ever wrote was a song called Don’t Let Me Go, I don’t remember the lyrics to it, but I still have the song so I can just look back at it……..I use to write a whole lot of songs, at the time of course you think they make sense and then you look back at them when you’re older and you realize they didn’t or you feel they weren’t as good as you thought they were when you wrote it originally.

Anytime I find myself down memory land, looking back at all those songs, some of them are surprising to me and some of them are like “What was I thinking when I wrote this” not all of them are like that though, there’s a good amount of them that I actually still like lyric wise, but if there’s certain lyrics I don’t like or i’m not sure about, then I think to myself “I might change that later” but some are okay, the other ones I keep away if I don’t like them completely.

Ever since I got my first actual journal, I just started becoming obsessed with journals all together, I think it’s because in my opinion, journals are like this precious thing to you once you are either given one or you get one and because you know it’s yours, it becomes very personal to you to where you never want it out of your sight, plus there’s just something about owning a journal. You can write about anything you want when having a journal, you don’t have to give it a specific personality, you could just go to town with it, it gives you this sense of comfort, stability, connection and it lets you choose what it is you want it to be.

You know what I love!? I love when you see a journal or when you’re holding a journal and right away you know exactly what you’re going to put in it, that feeling and sense of knowing is one of my favorite things. You do however, have some journals where you don’t know what to fill in it, some are easy to decide and others are a little harder, I have a lot of journals and a lot of them i’ve already figured out what their gonna be and then I have some where I still think what I want them to say, my point is I just love journals!!

They let you express yourself in ways that are endless and you have the choice and power to give them a voice of love and light or maybe you want them to say words that you feel you can’t or don’t want to say out loud. It’s crazy because we all know that ever since technology came into our lives, we only ever use that, when we’re feeling something or we need to write something down we don’t think of grabbing a journal or a piece of paper, we just add it to our notes in our phones or deal with it, which is fine, but I always feel having a little journal or a notebook of some sort, can come in handy for when you’re unable to use your phone or computer.

This probably went off track a whole lot, but thinking about how I even got into writing (even though i’m not sure what made me want to start writing) and also where I started with my very first journal, I think that’s why I love and appreciate them so much, it gave me this voice that I didn’t really know I had and it let me also express myself in a whole lot of different ways, not just with my thoughts, it let me express myself with lyrics, ideas, stories, dreams, even reviews for a good while.

I owe a lot to writing and journals, they really became a huge part of my life, which you wouldn’t think that something so……..simple we’ll say, would really be that big to you, but it is, well for some it is, which is a little crazy to think, but also not as well you know!? I know writing and journals aren’t for everyone and that’s alright, but I still think they’re great. Last thing, you know what I realize!? when you’re saying things out loud not a lot of people listen or take notice as much, unless you’re one of those people who, when you walk into a room everyone has their attention on you, like you make them listen, you know what I mean!?

For those who keep to themselves though and don’t have that confidence to approach people or things that way, to have something like journals or anything creative where everything they want to say out loud, but just aren’t able to, they can just put it into something else like their art or writing and you don’t know it because they do it in a way that, if you want to figure out what they’re trying to say, you have to either read it, listen to it or look at it very closely, for you to be able to speak their language and understand their mind and feelings, which I think is very fascinating.

Do you or have you ever owned a journal and if so, what was your first ever journal and what kind of stuff did you write in it!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Friday…..

Update: I wrote this post 2 days ago as you can probably tell, but I wanted to keep it how I originally wrote it, so here are my thoughts and feelings from Friday.

I just realized that we have 3 more days left until this year switches from being 2018 to 2019……….i’d say that’s insane, but is it really!? Based off my expression that you’re unable to see, yeah it’s insane!!! This year really went by like nothing, I can’t believe this is the last Friday of the year and that December is close to being over………i’ll be honest with you I might be freaking out to myself a bit, i’m trying to stay calm about it though, i’m not exactly sure why i’m freaking out though, I really shouldn’t be, but I am.

I guess if I have to do some reflection on this year I might as well do it now, this year has brought some good and also some bad moments that I wasn’t expecting……….i’ve gone through a whole lot of emotions more this year than any other year before, I made a few mistakes, i’ve thought a lot and when I say a lot I mean A LOT……………i’ve been thinking about my future more than ever this year and what I would like for it to be like, you’d think i’d know, but i’m still not exactly sure, there are things that I want to stay in my life and there are things that I know i’m needing to desperately change.

Am I frightened about this upcoming year!?…………Yeah, I am………I don’t know what to expect and what’s gonna come from it and that’s kinda what scares me the most, it shouldn’t, but it does……….i’m hoping to really have a lot of courage and surprises coming from myself this year…………i’ve been holding on to my comfort zone for so many years now, i’m not really sure how to let go of it……..it’s very scary for me, because it’s all i’ve ever known, but I know that if I want to live a better and happier life, me keeping myself to myself and in my room 24/7 that’s not gonna make me happy, that’s just gonna keep me more closed in myself and I can’t keep doing that, it’s not healthy and I know that even though i’m really scared, I have to move on.

I have to stop being afraid and I have to let myself embrace things that i’m unsure about, if I continue to let fear keep me from moving forward, i’ll never be happy and I want to be happy and if being scared, but trying my best to move forward and not stop myself like i’ve been doing is the only way that’s gonna happen then I have to let myself be scared………and that’s something i’ve always tried to avoid, but I can’t keep avoiding it, I have to learn to face it and even if I hesitate, I can’t let those hesitations stop me unless I feel it’s really really important………..I don’t know what 2019 is going to bring and what it’s gonna be like, but i’m really really hoping that I can make this year a surprising one for myself and not let my fears interfere.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

SongBird

Little song bird, for some reason you keep finding your way to me, it’s like even when you’re not around, you still know where I am, I don’t know how exactly, but I never can get away from you, I could go somewhere where I think you would never dream of going, but you’ll always end up finding me someway. I shouldn’t be surprised, considering you don’t really tend to leave, you go away, but you always come back……..You went away from me for a very long while though, i’m not exactly sure why, but it’s been a long time since we spoke, there’s been so much that I want to catch you up on.

I thought you had gone away from me for good and then out of nowhere, you started showing up again, you always do tend to come around randomly, it’s always when I least expect it, but I guess that’s your way of making it work…………I remember when we first met, you were always around me, you didn’t ever leave my side and if you did it was only for a short period………..but one day you started going for longer periods of time and then those times became longer than the last………..

I would get so frustrated because you weren’t around, I would sit just looking at the paper or journal in front of me not being able to come up with anything and if I did, it was only a few lines and when I didn’t finish those, I just kinda ended up forgetting them after a while, I always kept them though, but I wouldn’t really look back on them that much, only on occasions. I guess I would give up in a sense, thinking that you wouldn’t come around anymore…………..I went a long time without you by my side.

The stuff that we created though, only a few have seen them, I was always so shy and nervous to share them, so I would only show them to certain people, I still get a little nervous with them now…………Thanks for showing up and being there from when we first met to now and thanks for not leaving completely. I don’t know why, but I always get so happy when i’m writing with you again, we’ve come up with some really good and surprising things, I write, but never really know where it all comes from, but I guess that’s the best part of it right!?

When you’re not thinking and you’re just getting lost in the writing process of things, sometimes you don’t even know how much you’re actually writing until you’ve actually stop writing or you don’t know what you’ve come up with until you actually step back and look at it properly. Those kind of moments I would say are the best kind of feelings, because you’re not thinking of anything, you’re just creating, even though you have to think to create, but it’s not full of messes, frustration yes, but no messes or anything, unless you’re a painter then yeah there’s gonna be a lot of messes, at least it’s good though, thank you though song bird, thank you for everything.

I know that I haven’t really took a chance or advantage of what you’ve brought to me and i’m sorry about that, all of our creations we’re always so personal to me that I didn’t know how to share it and if I thought about sharing it, I would get really scared…………I still get scared, i’m always scared you could say and now i’m trying to figure out how to be less scared, beside you giving me something to create and work on, I also had other things that were creative as well, I took a chance on them for a good while, but then I got scared again and I left them to collect dust which I know I shouldn’t have done………..I don’t know why i’m afraid to create, I enjoy it and it’s always been apart of me, it’s just the sharing part that I have trouble with at times.

I always over think on things which doesn’t do me any good because then it keeps me more afraid and less expressive, I really don’t want to be afraid anymore, I just want to have that thing in me where I don’t have to think twice on everything, it’s just natural………..i’m hoping that I surprise myself where I don’t have to keep writing about being afraid, I can just breathe.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~