Reflection (December 5, 2018)

Hey everyone hope you’re all doing well today, as you all know we’re still in the beginning of the month December, todays the 5th of course and so I thought let’s do a little reflecting on some stuff……….where do we start!? We all do a little reflecting from time to time, sometimes their good and other times they don’t feel the best, but no matter how they come about, they can help even if in the moment it doesn’t seem like it.

Today for me, my reflective state is more on the not sure side of town, I feel alright kinda, I guess…….it’s just i’m not sure on a lot of things and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know how to really balance things out or if I do balance things, i’m not sure whether to look at it in a positive light more or the opposite. I don’t really want to look at it in a bad light, it’s just when you feel something, it’s hard to not really look into it a certain way you know!?……..I’m not sure if i’m making sense right now, but I hope you understand what i’m trying to say.Β 

I’ll just get to the point of why i’m in a reflective mode at the moment. So I was looking to add a different profile photo to my blog site and my social medias, but as I was doing that, I couldn’t help, but look at some of my other photos in my gallery and looking back at them………well i’ll just say it, I smiled for a bit…….and then I found myself getting emotional after………..I don’t know why………okay I do know why, it was because I realized how much I really changed from those photos. In them I would always smile, I would even take random photos of myself when I was having a really good day or if I liked the way I looked, I know that probably sounds real shallow or something, but believe me I wasn’t doing it for attention or anything.Β 

I’d just take random silly photos because I was happy and those photos I never posted because I didn’t feel the need to, I just felt I wanted to take them so I could look back at them. It sounds crazy I know, but really they were just photos to look back on for me. As I was looking back on them though, I couldn’t help, but go into deep thought mode……….I wrote in my writing journal that most people when they reflect they don’t question their changes, at least I don’t think they do……….me though i’m always going back and forth with my changes, had I not changed would things be different!? I don’t know…….it’s like I have days where I feel the changes that happened to me are i’m sure for the better, but at the same time I also wonder if me changing………was it wrong!? should I have done that!? I don’t know……….

I know a lot of us don’t plan on changing, it just happens and a lot of the time we aren’t prepared for it, I didn’t expect the changes that occurred, to turn things upside down. It’s kinda like being in the middle of an ocean or river………everything’s fine you’re enjoying all that is happening around you and it’s just great, you feel great………then out of nowhere you find that the current of the ocean or river start picking up, at first you think you’re able to handle it and that you will bounce back and everything will be okay again………but then it starts to get worst and the current from the river or ocean, you find is going into speed mode and you’re holding on as best as you can, but you know that it’s not good enough.

You’re trying to stay calm and not panic, but it just keeps getting stronger and faster, now you find yourself starting to freak out “What is happening!?” “Why is this happening” “I don’t know what to do” all of those things keep running in and out of your head, but even though all that is happening, you still do your best to stay calm even though you’re freaking out. After a good while of dealing and going through all that mess, things start to calm down and the current starts to go back to normal a bit………the only thing is now, you find yourself constantly having mental breakdowns and becoming unsure of a lot of things, some days your good, other days your not……..time passes though and you feel a little better, you find yourself kinda getting back into the groove of things, you’re doing the best you can, yet you know that deep down, not only are things not the same entirely………..but neither are you.

You sit with yourself, contemplating in your mind how everything go so out of wack so quickly, what happened!? why did it happen!? and then you kinda start to blame yourself, saying things like “If I hadn’t changed or if I hadn’t done this……..everything would be fine, non of this would’ve happened”……….It’s crazy you know, that saying that goes ” A lot can happen within a year” is true, you could go from feeling the greatest that you’ve ever felt in a long time, to constantly feeling unsure of everything and constantly wondering………now maybe all that is for the better, who’s to say it isn’t right!?

Sometimes though, it’s that curious side to us that has to always wonder whether it is or not. Even if we ended up getting caught in a huge current, that we weren’t prepared for………..we still should look at things from a different perspective, maybe all that was to see how much you could handle, maybe you’ll look back at it and reflect on it differently, who knows………for now, we’ll just do our best and try to take in everything around us again and when the current starts to pick up again, we’ll be as prepared as we can be and hopefully this time it isn’t all that bad.

All The Love ❀ ❀ 

~Lexa~ 

Photo by Michael Niessl on Unsplash

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