Hey there everyone, I know that I haven’t written much lately and there isn’t really an excuse I can use, because well…….yeah there just isn’t any. I just want to let you know though that I have been writing, there are a lot of unfinished blog posts saved in my drafts and some blog posts that are finished, but I haven’t posted them because I just didn’t feel like they were any good, but if you want i’ll post them. Moving on though, i’m here to talk to you about how i’ve been feeling lately, but i’m not quite sure how to really put it into words so i’ll just try and explain it as best as I can……..just letting you know this may be a very long one so I hope you stick with me……
Right at this very moment i’m as calm as I can keep myself, but earlier I wasn’t as calm as I am right now, in all honesty I was such a mess this morning that I think i’ve literally tired myself out, now I could rest and relax, but I also can’t at the same time, because if I rest anymore, i’m not gonna do anything and we (by we I mean me) can’t keep putting off writing, we started this for a reason and it’s time I actually put this blog to good use and not sabotage it like i’ve been doing, not on purpose of course, I just haven’t been feeling the best, but every time I think about it, shouldn’t that be a reason to write!? That way you’re able to get everything your feeling out……maybe yeah, I always try and bring positive posts though because I want to be able to bring a little happiness into your lives just in case you’re running low on it………but how are you mean’t to bring happiness to others when you yourself aren’t really that happy!? (9/6/18)
I have to always remind myself that you can’t make everyone happy, the only person you should always make sure is happy is yourself and if your not happy then there’s no way to share your happiness with others. I’m just gonna tell you how my morning went if that’s okay with you guys…….so I went for a walk today because I had a whole lot on my mind, I constantly wake up now with something being on my mind, i’m not gonna really express what that thing is because it’s personal, but anyway, so I went for a walk hoping I would be able to clear my mind in some sort of way and gee if that didn’t feel like the longest walk of my life……..I walked to that park that I once told you guys about, I got there and the first place I went was to where that river is, well the entrance way of the trail with the river at the bottom of it, there was someone there fishing just in case you were wondering.
Anyway so I leaned up on the entrance way, looking towards the river, the ground and the trees and I tried so hard to hold in my emotions because I didn’t want to let them out, like literally while I was walking I was holding them in and I guess once I got to the park leaned up on the entrance way of the trail, I couldn’t hold it in anymore even though I tried so hard to………you see when it comes to me, what you don’t know is whenever i’m feeling a certain way, I normally tend to keep it to myself because I don’t like putting my emotions on everyone and if I do talk about how I feel I only talk to certain people about it, so mainly my close friends and my boyfriend, mainly my boyfriend though, you’re probably wonder why not go to your family about your feelings and to answer your question……….that’s hard because even though I shouldn’t feel this way, I just feel like I can’t talk to them about how i’m feeling and that may sound weird but it’s true.
I use to always try to express myself to them when I was younger, but I never could get my words out with them and I just wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to go to them about my feelings, plus I never felt like they would understand me and how my emotions work if that makes sense. So that’s why if I ever felt I needed to go to someone about my feelings I would always go to my close friends about it and then after a while I met my boyfriend of over a year and so I just started telling him about my feelings and I don’t know…….I just always felt I could talk to them and him easily, I mean let’s be real we all have someone where if we needed to speak about something important or just need someone to listen to us for a couple of hours about whatever, we know that they’ll be there and we don’t ever have to think “Okay should I bring this up if i’m feeling this way!? Are they gonna really listen to me though if I talk about it!? or What if i’m just putting too much on them with my thoughts and emotions!? those kinds of questions.
We always try and avoid putting our emotions on people because we feel that we’re just gonna ruin their mood and become a huge burden on them and so that’s why some of us or lot of us just end up keeping our problems and emotions to ourselves, so when we find someone to talk to and really listen to us and I mean really listen……it means a lot because you know in that moment, your feelings matter and that you don’t need to worry about being a burden on someone because they too get it and they know how it feels to want to express yourself, but feeling like you’ll just be a downer if you do, plus they know how much it means when someone’s able to lend a helping hand or in this case ear, especially when you really need it and having that kind of person is the best because they don’t ever make you feel bad about having feelings and wanting to express them in someway, they just let you express it however way you need to express it.
It’s also a bonus when you can talk to someone and they have a whole lot of patience for you, because we’ve all had those moments where sometimes our words don’t catch up with our brains in time or we have what we want to say in our minds, but we just aren’t able to get them out into words right away and even though you’re freaking out inside having a conversation with yourself thinking why you aren’t able to get your words out or about how long you’re taking to express yourself, they aren’t really bothered about it because they probably know how hard it is as well to get everything you’re feeling out right away, so they’ll alway reassure you that everything okay and for you to just take your time and having that kind of person to lean on for emotional support means the world.
Communicating with people nowadays especially about your feelings you don’t really get that too often and if you do everyone expects you to just come out with it as if it’s that easy and for someone like myself, it’s not that easy, I have a problem expressing myself out loud because I never know what to say or how to word everything, whenever I try and speak as everyone always says to me, my words just end up jumbling all over the place and it makes it seem like I don’t know what i’m talking about or i’m not making sense and that can get to me, especially with the way that I am, because not only do I have a problem talking out loud, it doesn’t help with the fact that my anxiety will kick in sometimes when i’m trying to communicate out loud. It also doesn’t help when people know how you are and the way you get when communicating, yet still when they’re talking to you, the way they express themselves is the complete opposite to how you express yourself and so the whole conversation just ends up being not a conversation.
There’s two types of people:
Those who hold in their emotions and try and deal with them calmly, but when expressed they like to take their time to be able to gather their thoughts before they express them.
Those who hold in their emotions, but when they are expressed it ends up just blowing up everywhere and it’s hard to have a proper conversation with them.
Lastly we have those who just express their emotions right when their feeling them no matter how the conversation turns out, but at least they said what they had to to say, I know I said two, but as I was writing I thought of a 3rd person, so now it’s 3 types of people.
Moving on though, I just feel like I can only express myself with certain people because I feel they get me more and I can just express myself without feeling rushed or as if i’m being a burden to those i’m expressing my feelings to. I also feel you shouldn’t have to explain why it is you’re able to talk to certain people about your true feelings compared to if you were to try and express your feelings to family members, sometimes that’s just how it is and some people may think that you should be able to, but it’s not always that way for some people, some feel a lot more comfortable talking about their feelings to their friends or partner then with a family member, you shouldn’t feel bad or have others make you feel bad about who you express yourself to. If you feel better after expressing your feelings to those who not only make you feel comfortable, but also make it easy for you to approach them, then that’s all that should matter, at least your getting your feelings out and not keeping them to yourself.
Everyone has someone they naturally gravitate towards be it emotionally, mentally or just in general and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. So that’s my thoughts, I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you guys, i’ve just been really feeling my emotions lately and I always try and sort it myself, but it’s not always easy so I think for now on whenever I have a tensely arising emotion happening, I think i’m gonna write about it because I feel writing helps me really deal with it and it makes me feel a little better as well, anyway I really hope that you guys are able to take something from this and that I helped a bit for those who also have these feelings. I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening.
All The Love ❤ ❤
(Originally Written Sept 6th)