Dear Little Me,

I hope your doing okay, it’s been a while since you and I enjoyed times together you know……i’m not really sure what it is I want to say to you, but i’ve been thinking about you lately, I think about you all the time actually…….I always wonder if the things i’m doing are the right things for you……i’m gonna be honest with you because you deserve that, I feel I haven’t been doing us proud when it comes to helping you achieve more in life, I want to say i’m doing so much to make sure you’re happy and are enjoying yourself but I don’t think I am……and……I want to apologize to you for that, because you deserve to have good things, you deserve to be happy and to really see everything. I sit to myself a lot and go back and forth wondering if i’m making you proud to be me older…….I wish I was able to know what you think of me now…….

We’ve been through so much in our lives, we had to literally fight to be here and a lot of people don’t know that, some do, but others don’t……….a lot of people didn’t think we’d make it, but we did and that’s all because of the fight you put up for us to be here, i’ll tell you one thing you are a whole lot stronger and tougher than me for sure ha………the crazy part is i’m you older and I can’t even say that for myself now and i’m sorry for that, i’m sorry for putting so much stress on you, i’m sorry for not letting you reach your full potential when I know that you could be great, but most importantly i’m so sorry for neglecting you when I knew that you needed me………I didn’t mean to do that to you, you didn’t deserve that, especially when all you ever did was fight for us to be here………you were always a very happy person no matter what was happening and you were always the type of person who wanted to do her own thing even when people didn’t understand it……..I may not have told you this, but I always admired that about you.

You’ve helped me discover a lot of different things about us, like for one, did you know that we have a knack for editing!? We didn’t even learn from watching someone else, we just kinda picked it up ourselves after having to do a portfolio on our projects in school, it was a simple thing, but we made it more than simple and we we’re proud of it, although you did have me try and find a song for it first and you know what i’m glad you did because even our teacher thought it was good even though it was simple. She even admitted to being hard on us because she saw potential in our abilities which was surprising to hear, but it was also pretty nice to hear as well. Did you know that you became obsessed with journals…….yeah you have a few actually (17 to be exact) and they are all for different things, we really love writing, speaking of writing we started a blog last month and it’s actually growing too, I guess all the topics we love to talk about are really helping people and it’s helping us as well I think……..we haven’t written anything new though it’s been a few days, that would be my fault though, I kinda took us away from it, as I tend to always do with everything that we start………..

You always guide us to do things and you have us get to a good point and then I go and ruin any chance we had at making it really bloom and grow……..I don’t know what my problem is and why I keep doing that to you……..all you ever wanted was to be able to express yourself, while trying to have fun and while we’re enjoying ourselves, if we were lucky we’d help and make someone else’s day because we were just being us. I always wonder where you’ve gone because I know you’re still around, but you also hide away and I don’t know why!? Is it because of me, are you unhappy because i’m making you unhappy by the way i’m doing things!? if that’s what it is……..i’m really sorry……..I never meant to turn you this way and make you unhappy, all I ever did was try and make you very happy and I feel like I failed you in a way and I never intended to do that………I really miss you, you know!?…….I miss how you gave me confidence and how you didn’t care what anyone thought of you, because you always stood true to what you were, you didn’t care how weird you were or how much you spoke, you just enjoyed the moments.

You always laughed at everything and sure you were a little too sensitive for a lot of things, but that’s because you stayed firm to what you believed in, plus you had a different sense of humor to those who thought certain things were funny, your sense of humor was laughing at everything that didn’t make any sense to laugh at, expect certain things which I never understood and still don’t, but the thought of you just being happy and laughing at things that to most wasn’t funny, made me the happiest……..I always think back on when we were younger and how we’d play by ourselves with our dolls and make up stories for them, in all honesty we’d find anything that entertained us to play with, we were very weird, still are actually, but that’s because we we were always just happy and so full of life……….you always tried to be friends with everyone and always wanted to be around people even when they didn’t always liked being around you, even when that happened though you still made the most of each day……

After a while though we kinda started to become very quiet and to ourselves because of the fact we got so use to being alone and so when it came to being around people you didn’t mind it, you enjoyed hanging out with people, but as we got older we started spending our time with certain people, is that a bad thing, no I don’t think it is, it’s just the way we are and some people may not like it, but it’s not about them, it’s about you and me. There’s a lot of things I could go over here about you, but all I really……I guess want to say is 1. i’m really sorry for abandoning you and not taking care of you as I should have, we we’re literally inseparable and you always made me stay true to who we were for so long and I kinda forgot about that and i’m really sorry 2. I miss you and how happy and excited you got every time something brought you joy, knowing we were happy made everyday a little better even when we didn’t have the best of days, we always tried to make the most of it…….There’s a lot of things though that we’ve adapted into our lives that we once didn’t have, the main thing being Anxiety we found out that we had it at a late age (late teens) and we battle through it everyday, i’m not gonna lie to you little me, although we don’t get it everyday when it does hit us, it hits us pretty hard, but we need to keep in mind that, it doesn’t define us okay, we are who we choose to be……..

Sure we may live with being anxious a lot more often then we’d like, but we have the power to let it consume us or fight against it and i’ll always do my best to make sure we fight against it more than i’ve been doing lately……there’s a lot more I can tell you, but this would be a very long blog post, I mean it’s already 1,368 words in and still counting. The main thing I want to say to you though was how sorry I am for how I treated you, I shouldn’t have done that to you and i’m gonna do my very best to make sure that from here on forth I make you proud to be me older in the best way that I can, because I don’t ever want to let you down again if I did, I hope that you can forgive me and that you come around a little more and help us achieve what it is we want to achieve without hesitation and with a bit more confidence because I want to make sure I do you well this time and know that you’re happy again……..I will do my best to only focus on all things positive and all things good, so that you can feel okay and feel safe, we can do it and we will, we just need to believe more in ourselves and build our confidence again……..

That’s everything I want to say to you I guess, hope you’re doing alright and I want you to always keep this in mind, you are worth every struggle we had to go through and all the things you blamed yourself for isn’t your fault, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, we got this far together who says we can’t continue on, we will get where we want to be…….we just have to work hard towards it and it maybe a bit scary, but we can do it…….I know we can, together we can do anything that we put our minds to, we just have to keep remembering why it is we started in the first place and then keep going every time.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

A.K.A. Your Older Self

(Originally Written Aug 17th)