Pep Talks With Coffee And Me……Plus Learning To Spend A Little Time With Yourself…….

Have you ever given yourself a pep talk before you did anything first!? If so let me know how that goes for you and if it makes you feel any better, does it give you more of a confidence boost just share your thoughts, I would really like to know. The reason why i’m asking is because today I had to give myself a pep talk for the very first time in a long time, now a lot of you who read my blog posts probably know that I don’t leave my house much due to the way I am, but lately i’ve been slowly progressing and getting out more, mainly with just going and sitting in my backyard. I’ve actually been sitting in my backyard a lot more recently, I use to go like once or twice, but lately i’ve been going in my backyard a lot more than I normally would, i’m finding myself to really come to enjoy sitting in the back and just kinda taking everything in and sitting with my thoughts.

Anyway back to pep talking, so like I just expressed normally I just sit in my backyard but today was different, why was it different you may or may not ask and wonder!? Well today was different because for the first time in a very long time, I decided to take myself out for coffee, because I really wanted it, now i’m sure all of you are thinking “Why would you take yourself out for coffee, don’t you have a coffee maker at home!? (maybe you’re not thinking this I don’t know) but to answer your question if you have thought it…….yes I do have a coffee maker at home, but I was really feeling for french vanilla coffee today and we don’t have french vanilla, plus I kinda wanted to walk at the same time so I thought “You know what!? i’m gonna go walk down to Dunkin’ Donuts and get me a french vanilla coffee” if some of you are wonder why french vanilla, well that’s because french vanilla is my all time favorite coffee, I love it!! I have other favorites, but yeah I won’t bore you with that lol……..anyway……..So yeah I got dressed and took my dog for a walk first before I went to get coffee (btw I got my coffee a little late it was like 11am when I went so yeah, i’m sure it doesn’t make a difference though)

After I walked my dog, I gave her some water and some food and this is where the adventure starts for me……..okay so before I left the house again, I had to make sure I had everything that I needed, I always do that before I go anywhere or leave somewhere just to make sure you know!?…………So once I checked my bag to see if I had everything, I then headed on down to my destination and it was alright not too bad, every step I took, I gave myself a little boost of confidence saying “See this ain’t so bad” and also “you’re doing great” a little way of walking I then thought to myself, do I have my headphones!? cause I kinda wanted to listen to some music and so I stopped to check my bag to see and what a surprise………I didn’t have them…….thought to myself “YEP forgot my headphones”

Now what i’m about to say is a thing that actually came out of my mouth, I then said this “looks like it’s just me and thoughts then….great” not kidding that’s actually what I said and you can’t see me right now, but i’m laughing to myself because I just remembered I said that…….moving on………so i’m walking to get my coffee, observing everything, taking in the scenery. Half way of walking I start to contemplate in my mind, don’t worry I was just contemplating what it was I wanted to order, I knew I wanted coffee, but as you know, there’s a lot of coffee to chose from, but I was just thinking if I wanted a hot coffee or a cold one, reason being was because it was sorta hot out today and I wasn’t sure if I wanted a hot beverage on a hot day, I mean who wants that right!? (if you’re the type of person who does get hot beverages on a hot day, then power to you no judgement here)

So long story short I get to my destination I even said it as if I was a GPS when I walked close to it……..i’m not kidding (I know i’m a nerd, but I embrace it) anyway so I get to Dunkin’ Donuts and when I was walking in I saw this girl with a dog outside, I said hi when I walked in, the dog was cute it was a pug just in case you were wondering, so I go inside and there were a few people in front of me and while they were ordering, I of course start scanning the menu and then I realized while in line…….I forgot my glasses………i’m not really the best at seeing from afar…….soooo I had to just squint my eyes to see what I wanted, now my eye sight isn’t that bad or anything, I just can’t see that well from afar mainly with words……anyway I ordered my stuff and then went back home, after a little while of eating my stuff, I went to the backyard again and sat there for a good while and was just you know taking stuff in and everything.

Now what I realized today was, it’s been a good while since I hung out with myself, I mean normally i’m with myself in room all the time and you would think that it wouldn’t be weird because i’m always to myself, but when you take yourself out be it going to get coffee or just even going for a small walk by yourself, it’s a different feeling compared to just being with yourself in your home you know!? Going to get coffee by myself…….I mean it wasn’t weird, but it also was at the same time, I don’t know if that makes sense, but yeah it was a bit odd, because I don’t normally take myself out. Now this may sound like i’m going off topic but hear me out, some of you know that I loved where I use to live, it was one of my favorite places ever and there was a time where I did go on walks by myself, whether it was to meet up with my friend or getting something from the store and it was like I enjoyed it there more then I did going to get coffee today.

Now i’m not saying that it was terrible going for a walk and treating myself to some coffee outside my home, i’m just saying it was a bit weird for me because i’m not use to taking myself out and just treating myself to things, sometimes that even happens when i’m with people and they tell me to get something that’s on the expensive side of town because they know I don’t treat myself but 1. I’m not really into getting myself super expensive things especially if I know i’m not really gonna use it or if i’m just not feeling it, in order for me to get something that’s a bit more expensive compared to what I’d normally spend money on, I would have to really like it or really want it and 2. The things i’d normally get for myself don’t really cost that much and that’s because again i’m not into super expensive things, I prefer to just get stuff that i’m gonna use and that I know will bring me more joy for example: journals, band/graphic tees, books, I love Funko pops as well certain ones, stuff like that, you know things that I feel would mean more to me.

Now there are a few things that i’ve bought myself before that was on the expensive side of town and some I use and others I don’t use that much which is why I don’t buy things nowadays, but my point is I don’t really treat myself to stuff that often only when I really want it or if i’m interested it in and it’s not just things i’m talking about here, I don’t treat myself to much in general. It’s pretty rare for me to just take myself out, enjoy the day and spend time with myself outside of home, in all honestly I actually prefer to be home instead of going out, if I go out I like to be with someone I just feel it’s more fun that way, but i’m also realizing that it’s okay to treat yourself once in a while and just be with yourself even if you’re just going for a walk. Sometimes you need that alone time to gather your thoughts, really get to know yourself as a person more and just see how you feel sitting or spending time with yourself, sure if you’re not use to getting yourself out and treating yourself to not just things, but also a good time, it’s gonna feel weird and you’ll most likely feel very uncomfortable in your own skin, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least give it a try, do go for that walk alone and do sit with yourself.

Pushing yourself to kinda get out a bit more or treating yourself to things, can help you really get to know yourself on a deeper level to what you’re use to. You might find a lot of new things out about yourself that not even you knew and you may think “we’ll i’m with myself 24/7 what wouldn’t I know everything about myself!?” There might be a lot of things that you don’t realize about yourself actually…….I found out today after a very long time, that when I push myself and help myself do things that i’m not use to, I actually feel a little better, I won’t lie to you……I was actually super nervous leaving the house, I mean I walked my dog first and that’s not something to be nervous about of course, but it was knowing once I finished walking my dog, I would be walking alone to get coffee and it may sound dumb and not that big of a deal, but when you’re use to something and then you find yourself pushing past the things you’re use to……it can be kinda scary and it’ll make you anxious, but once you set your mind to it, you don’t try and second guess yourself and you just kinda go for it, you realize it’s not so bad.

It’ll be weird yeah, but if you just kinda give yourself that pep talk to boost your confidence a bit so you don’t try and psych yourself out, then you’ll find yourself just going with it pretty much. So if you think about maybe going on that walk alone, maybe treating yourself to some lunch or something, give it a try, see if it’s something that you might enjoy and if you do, see if you want to do it again. Don’t let your mind keep you from wanting to do certain things and don’t be afraid to spend a little time with yourself. You don’t even have to do anything big, just sitting alone in the backyard with you and your thoughts will do, once you find yourself doing that and you start to feel comfortable enough in your own skin and mind, try going for a good walk by yourself and just keep working towards certain things until you feel really confident within yourself to want to do a bit more and all that.

Work at your own pace and don’t worry about everyone else, just do things when you feel you’re ready for them. You’ll know you’re ready when something inside you kinda gives you that push and you find yourself just kinda doing things that you normally wouldn’t do, everything will just come to you and you won’t know why, but you’ll find yourself just going with it and when that happens, you’ll see that you’ve reached a certain level on your confidence bar which is good and it’s also something to be proud of yourself for, because it means you’re growing and coming into your own little by little.

Annnnd that is all from me for today, I don’t really have much to say, buuut I hope you were able to take something from this and that it helped some of you in some way, anyway I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening 🙂

 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Dear Little Me……

Dear Little Me,

I hope your doing okay, it’s been a while since you and I enjoyed times together you know……i’m not really sure what it is I want to say to you, but i’ve been thinking about you lately, I think about you all the time actually…….I always wonder if the things i’m doing are the right things for you……i’m gonna be honest with you because you deserve that, I feel I haven’t been doing us proud when it comes to helping you achieve more in life, I want to say i’m doing so much to make sure you’re happy and are enjoying yourself but I don’t think I am……and……I want to apologize to you for that, because you deserve to have good things, you deserve to be happy and to really see everything. I sit to myself a lot and go back and forth wondering if i’m making you proud to be me older…….I wish I was able to know what you think of me now…….

We’ve been through so much in our lives, we had to literally fight to be here and a lot of people don’t know that, some do, but others don’t……….a lot of people didn’t think we’d make it, but we did and that’s all because of the fight you put up for us to be here, i’ll tell you one thing you are a whole lot stronger and tougher than me for sure ha………the crazy part is i’m you older and I can’t even say that for myself now and i’m sorry for that, i’m sorry for putting so much stress on you, i’m sorry for not letting you reach your full potential when I know that you could be great, but most importantly i’m so sorry for neglecting you when I knew that you needed me………I didn’t mean to do that to you, you didn’t deserve that, especially when all you ever did was fight for us to be here………you were always a very happy person no matter what was happening and you were always the type of person who wanted to do her own thing even when people didn’t understand it……..I may not have told you this, but I always admired that about you.

You’ve helped me discover a lot of different things about us, like for one, did you know that we have a knack for editing!? We didn’t even learn from watching someone else, we just kinda picked it up ourselves after having to do a portfolio on our projects in school, it was a simple thing, but we made it more than simple and we we’re proud of it, although you did have me try and find a song for it first and you know what i’m glad you did because even our teacher thought it was good even though it was simple. She even admitted to being hard on us because she saw potential in our abilities which was surprising to hear, but it was also pretty nice to hear as well. Did you know that you became obsessed with journals…….yeah you have a few actually (17 to be exact) and they are all for different things, we really love writing, speaking of writing we started a blog last month and it’s actually growing too, I guess all the topics we love to talk about are really helping people and it’s helping us as well I think……..we haven’t written anything new though it’s been a few days, that would be my fault though, I kinda took us away from it, as I tend to always do with everything that we start………..

You always guide us to do things and you have us get to a good point and then I go and ruin any chance we had at making it really bloom and grow……..I don’t know what my problem is and why I keep doing that to you……..all you ever wanted was to be able to express yourself, while trying to have fun and while we’re enjoying ourselves, if we were lucky we’d help and make someone else’s day because we were just being us. I always wonder where you’ve gone because I know you’re still around, but you also hide away and I don’t know why!? Is it because of me, are you unhappy because i’m making you unhappy by the way i’m doing things!? if that’s what it is……..i’m really sorry……..I never meant to turn you this way and make you unhappy, all I ever did was try and make you very happy and I feel like I failed you in a way and I never intended to do that………I really miss you, you know!?…….I miss how you gave me confidence and how you didn’t care what anyone thought of you, because you always stood true to what you were, you didn’t care how weird you were or how much you spoke, you just enjoyed the moments.

You always laughed at everything and sure you were a little too sensitive for a lot of things, but that’s because you stayed firm to what you believed in, plus you had a different sense of humor to those who thought certain things were funny, your sense of humor was laughing at everything that didn’t make any sense to laugh at, expect certain things which I never understood and still don’t, but the thought of you just being happy and laughing at things that to most wasn’t funny, made me the happiest……..I always think back on when we were younger and how we’d play by ourselves with our dolls and make up stories for them, in all honesty we’d find anything that entertained us to play with, we were very weird, still are actually, but that’s because we we were always just happy and so full of life……….you always tried to be friends with everyone and always wanted to be around people even when they didn’t always liked being around you, even when that happened though you still made the most of each day……

After a while though we kinda started to become very quiet and to ourselves because of the fact we got so use to being alone and so when it came to being around people you didn’t mind it, you enjoyed hanging out with people, but as we got older we started spending our time with certain people, is that a bad thing, no I don’t think it is, it’s just the way we are and some people may not like it, but it’s not about them, it’s about you and me. There’s a lot of things I could go over here about you, but all I really……I guess want to say is 1. i’m really sorry for abandoning you and not taking care of you as I should have, we we’re literally inseparable and you always made me stay true to who we were for so long and I kinda forgot about that and i’m really sorry 2. I miss you and how happy and excited you got every time something brought you joy, knowing we were happy made everyday a little better even when we didn’t have the best of days, we always tried to make the most of it…….There’s a lot of things though that we’ve adapted into our lives that we once didn’t have, the main thing being Anxiety we found out that we had it at a late age (late teens) and we battle through it everyday, i’m not gonna lie to you little me, although we don’t get it everyday when it does hit us, it hits us pretty hard, but we need to keep in mind that, it doesn’t define us okay, we are who we choose to be……..

Sure we may live with being anxious a lot more often then we’d like, but we have the power to let it consume us or fight against it and i’ll always do my best to make sure we fight against it more than i’ve been doing lately……there’s a lot more I can tell you, but this would be a very long blog post, I mean it’s already 1,368 words in and still counting. The main thing I want to say to you though was how sorry I am for how I treated you, I shouldn’t have done that to you and i’m gonna do my very best to make sure that from here on forth I make you proud to be me older in the best way that I can, because I don’t ever want to let you down again if I did, I hope that you can forgive me and that you come around a little more and help us achieve what it is we want to achieve without hesitation and with a bit more confidence because I want to make sure I do you well this time and know that you’re happy again……..I will do my best to only focus on all things positive and all things good, so that you can feel okay and feel safe, we can do it and we will, we just need to believe more in ourselves and build our confidence again……..

That’s everything I want to say to you I guess, hope you’re doing alright and I want you to always keep this in mind, you are worth every struggle we had to go through and all the things you blamed yourself for isn’t your fault, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, we got this far together who says we can’t continue on, we will get where we want to be…….we just have to work hard towards it and it maybe a bit scary, but we can do it…….I know we can, together we can do anything that we put our minds to, we just have to keep remembering why it is we started in the first place and then keep going every time.

 

 

 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

A.K.A. Your Older Self

 

(Originally Written Aug 17th) 

 

Thought For The Day……..

You ever have a moment to yourself where you’re just thinking about a lot of different things and you don’t know why, but little by little certain things start to become clearer to you for some reason, i’m not really sure how to explain what I mean exactly, I can try and bring you into my mind so you can see what i’m talking about, but I don’t even know if i’ll be able to explain what i’m talking about in the way that I want, but i’m gonna try and layout it out for you guys as best as I can. Okay so where do I start……..uhhhh so I was writing a different blog post on not really knowing what to write because I was having trouble writing at first and I got a pretty decent way with it, not too far but a few 100 words actually it was along this paragraph here only shorter (149 words to be exact, we’re at 164 words here and counting as i’m writing this lol)

Anyway so I was writing a different blog post at first and then my mind took a smooth turn and I stopped writing that blog post and I just started thinking about a lot of things, while I was thinking I started looking into the sky out my window and it was kinda dark, possibly because it was going to rain, but it still hasn’t rained yet, it’s hard to say whether or not it will because the weather here has been Sunny then dark, then Sunny again and then dark once more and so i’m not sure what the weather has in store for us today, but yeah going back to what I was talking about……..I was looking at the sky, just staring out my window, trying to figure out what I should write about and I couldn’t think of anything, so I went to grab one of my journals where I write blog post ideas, I don’t really have a lot of ideas just about 15-16 i’d say (just checked 17 actually) so I looked for a blog post idea in my journal and I saw one that caught my eye and I picked it, the title of the blog post idea I was going to write about was called, finding your path in life and although i’m not really writing about that blog post I picked to write about, it did have me thinking.

Remember when I talked about Finding My Niche, if you don’t you can read it here if you like Finding My Niche (My Confidence Struggle Story) it’s just all about finding my thing in writing and also talking about my struggle to find confidence in myself from time to time. Going back to what I was talking about……..so I wrote about finding my niche with writing before and believe me i’m happy that I started this blog because i’m able to write down my feelings and share my thoughts with all of you as well, but I had this thought come in my mind and I always find myself going back to all the things I use to do that also brought joy to me before starting this blog and I can’t help but think that maybe I have more than just one niche you know!? Hear me out, so we all have something in us that speaks to us more then other things and everyone has a special or hidden talent that they become interested in.

People who were born with a talent or find a thing that speaks to them, obviously they go after that thing they enjoy, because it brings them happiness and there’s just something about it that gives them that feeling of finally belonging somewhere and so when they find that passion that calls to them, you know they’ll become a force to be reckon with, because they have so much passion, I’m not sure if any of what i’m saying is making any sense but i’m just trying to gather my thoughts and bring to you what it is i’m thinking. What i’m trying to say is I feel like I don’t really have a specific passion for anything, the closest thing to a passion that I have is maybe writing due to the fact that I write a lot and I enjoy writing, but when it comes to passion and what I love the most, I can never just chose one thing all the time, I’m always switching it up from time to time.

I just feel this thing in me where, I go back and think maybe I should try this again and speaking of trying something again, I feel like I should go back and give Youtube another try, because i’m starting to miss it, I really am…….I miss sitting in front of the camera and talking about something I love or am interested in and talking non stop about it to the point where I get so lost in what i’m saying, i’ll get distracted and then lose my train of thought and then go on to a different topic and just talk about that. I miss being able to talk about the things I once enjoyed like wrestling, a lot of you don’t know this, but I LOOOOVE watching wrestling and then talking about the matches and who I think should get more of an opportunity and ranting about certain people in wrestling (my friend ray knows who i’m talking about)

I think I now know why it is that I feel like even if I do one thing like writing for example, I love it, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy writing down my thoughts and sharing it with you guys, but I also miss talking about the things I enjoy and giving my opinion on certain topics that interest me and just having other people who too share my interest get involved as well, although there wasn’t a lot of people interacting, there was still a good amount to where we all were able to just have a good time talking about something we all enjoyed, even though wrestling nowadays isn’t the greatest I still have a love for it, I mean it’s because of wrestling that I met one of my greatest friends and my boyfriend as well. I just really miss it, because it gave me an outlet to help me kinda break out of myself and oddly enough gave me confidence that I didn’t know I had and after a while yeah I lost that confidence, because I didn’t believe in my ideas and I didn’t believe in me and I should’ve, I should have just went with my ideas even if no one liked them and it wasn’t the most popular thing, I should’ve just went with them because I liked them, I  know i’m probably getting off topic here, but I just really feel strongly about this.

I don’t have a specific passion and I always felt that, I always just went with anything that interest me and i’m at the point where I kinda want to do more then just write, I want to express myself based off my interest and share my thoughts with others and hear their thoughts too and possibly make more friends along the way, there’s nothing wrong with dabbling in more than one thing, if anything it should be something you want to do because then you’re not just limited to one thing, you can do everything and still do the thing you like best. My thing is writing, but it’s also creating and other things and I should learn to be more confidence in myself and my ideas if it’s what I like, it’s okay to like more than one thing as long as it makes you happy and you enjoy it.

If I can write everyday on here, why can’t I do videos also!? You know I have to thank writing because it showed me that i’m capable of sticking to something everyday if I put my mind to it, lets just see if I can do the same with my videos again. I also want to thank my friend Ray and my boyfriend for always being there for me and supporting me in everything that I ever wanted to do, I probably spun them around a few times trying to find something that I could finally stick with, but they never left my side even when I was a mess, they just always believed in me and support me in everything I shared with them, I couldn’t ask for better people in my life so thank you guys, also for those who support my blog and come back and read my stuff even when some are longer than others, I really appreciate you and it always means a lot to know that you enjoy my writing, just the fact that you even take the time to read it means the world so thanks.

That’s all I have for today, I hope you don’t mind this being too long, I just felt I needed to share this I don’t know why, but I did……..I don’t even know what the title to this should be, I wrote this first before I wrote the title. If there’s anything to take from this blog it’s don’t worry if you don’t have a passion for something, just try everything and if you still don’t know what it is you want to do, just do all the things that make you happy and go with that, just promise that when you try everything that interest you, you take a necessary break from it when you need to, remember not to stretch too thin for something, go with what you can handle and isn’t too overwhelming, if you want to add something new, make sure to look at all the things your doing and whatever you find yourself not really taking interest to anymore get rid of that and add a new interest.

Lastly always and I mean always believe in your ideas and yourself, don’t worry about whether someone will like it or not, if you feel good about it and you’re happy with it then do it and if there’s an idea that you tried and you know isn’t really working much for you anymore then it’s okay to let it go and come up with other ones you feel will work for you and with that, I hope you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening 🙂

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Don’t Forget To Recharge Sometimes…..

Recharging yourself when you need to is really important, but sometimes we all get so caught up in our everyday lives, for some busy schedules and others just things that take up a lot of our time, that we forget to stop and just take the moment to relax and recharge a bit, some even will keep going without ever getting rest and if they do it’s only for a short period of time until they’re back on their feet heading straight back into everything. Recharging yourself though is super important because when you take time to relax after a long day of doing something productive, not only will you feel better, but so will everything within you be it your mind, body, just everything you need to continue on with everything you’re doing in your life.

Working hard and getting things done is great because everyone enjoys doing something and feeling like even if they didn’t do anything big, it’s still good to feel like you were productive and because you feel good about being productive, you start to feel accomplished and you just feel good all around, but even though it’s good to feel productive you still have to make time to give yourself the time you need to just sit down, relax and recharge so that way you don’t wear yourself out in the process of being productive. If you’re the kind of person who is constantly just going without rest then this is for you, it’s also for those who need more rest in their life too, but this is mainly for those who think they don’t need to rest because they feel they have so much to do and so resting isn’t an option until they finish all that they have on their plate.

Trust me when I say that, the more you keep going and going without taking a break, the more chance you have at running yourself into the ground, I should know because I did that once and it cost me to lose my voice to the point where I had no choice, but to take a break and I was soooo upset and frustrated because my only focus was I have to get stuff done and I can’t, I didn’t even care about my own well being. When you are constantly working hard at something and pushing yourself to your limits to the point where everything in you is working over time, it’s gonna let you know that you need to take a breather and if you ignore what your body and mind are telling you it’s gotta make you listen by forcing you to stop whether you like it or not. Once you start not caring about your own well being, that’s the day you have to really step back from everything and look within yourself and tell yourself that what you’re doing isn’t right and you need to take a moment to help yourself get better and back on your feet in a healthy way.

I know sometimes it’s not always easy to take a moment or two to yourself to recharge and relax, but don’t ever say that you can’t, if you want to take time you will, it’s all about making time to just take a breather every now and then, even if it’s just for 10-20 minutes as long as you give yourself the time to just drop everything for a moment and take everything in and just catch your breath, then believe me you will feel loads better. You can’t go through your day and think you can continue to keep going when you know that you’re running on empty, so even if it’s just for a moment make sure to take some time for yourself and recharge every now and again, trust me you owe it to yourself to stop everything and rest from time to time and when you do take that break be it a long one or a short one you’ll thank yourself and be glad you did.

Alrighty then that’s all from me for now, I hope you guys are able to take something from today’s blog post, it is super important to take time to yourself to recharge your energy, you always want to make sure that you don’t go and push yourself too hard to the point where you’re just not giving your all in what you want to give your all in. Your body and mind need that rest so that way it can give you the energy that you’re needing and looking for without draining yourself out. Anyway I hope this helps you guys if you’re in the process of looking to take time to relax more and if you’re unable to relax, try looking up different things to help you relax better, I know that drinking certain teas can help you relax, reading a book is also a good option, you can read it before bed or just when you want to de stress and chill out for a bit, listening to music, you know just stuff like that. Something’s bound to help you relax better, with all that I hope the days treating you all well and I hope you have a goodnight/morning/ and or evening.

 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~