To release, to let go….these things should be and feel easy to do and yet, it’s usually the hardest to do. This summer has sure been the biggest roller coaster ride i’ve ever been on, I don’t think i’ve ever struggled this much in my life, but I keep pushing through the best that I can, but I know that I am not okay…..I know that my heart is hurting and my emotions are all over the place and let me tell you I HATE IT! You know how sometimes you just have the most stressful days, week, maybe even months and you try SO HARD to not think about it, not worry or be too hard on yourself, but for some reason…you just can’t shake off the thing that’s bothering so easily this time around.

I’ve been having some rough times and the thing is that I shouldn’t even be feeling so strongly about what I’m feeling as it truly is out of my control and not even reachable…..and my heart knows that, my feelings know that, but my brain, just doesn’t want to comprehend the reality, the truth of the matter, the big sign that says ‘THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO”
LEAVE IT ALONE, STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT, YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT ALREAY HAPPENED” and the biggest one that even the universe is saying LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ust like that. Like a soccer/football game where someone scores and the commentators yell GOOOOOAL, only it’s let it go instead. That made me laugh a little, something that is sorta rare for me these days as I’ve been stressing NON STOP…..honestly this has been the most stressful year for me

Mainly the summer season is where it’s been very rough, but that’s due to my own self, I will admit that I made big mistakes this year, not only that, but I also stopped doing a lot of things, that were actually helping me to be my best self hench why i’ve been stressing. It’s only now that i’ve started to get back in the motion of things and moving torwards a direction that I feel will help me get back to me.

The truth is, I haven’t really been myself and it’s been affecting me knowing that I allowed myself to get so stressed out, one thing I’m sure i’ve stated here before about me is that, I do not like sharing my feelings, I don’t like being a burden to people, I will usually hold things in before I dare tell anyone how i’m feeling, it’s this weird bad habit where I know I shouldn’t and can’t keep overloading my brain. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some good days where I managed to walk on through, but i’ve also had some crappy days and it’s usually on the crappy days that I am EXTRA hard on myself, i’m sure everyone though, can relate and understands just how hard it is to keep from beating yourself up for small things, stuff that is out of your control and yet you still find yourself worrying and going crazy about it.

I am my biggest critic, my own enemy when I am stressed out, I have a hard time relaxing and giving my brain a rest, mind you I will tell my brain to give me a rest, but we don’t listen to each other my brain and I and that is the most frustrating thing EVER, because I really don’t know how to let go of anything, I don’t know how to accept things the way they are and I don’t know how to stop packing everything in this HUGE bag, i’m like “maybe i’ll need this or i’ll sort this out later, I can totally fix whatever happened here, just give me a chance”

Now I know this sounds like i’m what’s that word self-depricating, but in my eyes, I’m just finally trying to lay everything out on the floor and really look at it, see what’s lacking and what doesn’t belong, just say “F IT” it’s time to toss things out that are not serving me and weighing me down” although if you ask anyone I know, they will tell you I’ll just toss out everything” haha and it’s true, i’ve done that already and I should feel a little better, but part of me feels bad and kind sad for doing so. Most of them are memories that I can’t get back, although in some cases I can, but also I can’t, however the memories are still there too, they are in my heart, but you still wish that you didn’t go on a cleaning spree with it.

These are the things I have a hard time letting go of, I never give myself permission to just say it’s okay that you felt you wanted to let that go, but at the same time, it still doesn’t feel right, but to hold on to it, sure does ruffle my feathers and I’m not even a bird, BUT IF I WAS, I would be pecking something, just to stop thinking so much, I would rather forget all my stresses every hour or every 5-10 minutes than to carry everything with me, I just want to travel liiiight and I’m writing it just like that, I don’t want to keep carrying a bag full of rocks, little bit of rocks fine.

I don’t mind, I like finding cool unique stones, but a lot of rocks……take it away, toss it at the nearest place you can find and let me leave it there and finally say ‘THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE AND THANK GOODNESS, I DON’T HAVE TO TRAVEL WITH THAT ANYMOORE” that’s what I want to say while yelling at the sky for ONCE, I can’t yell even if I wanted to….I get shy to yell out loud honestly, that’s probably what I need though just to yell it out, get it out of my system, but I can’t yell, my calm self won’t allow it and my stress self, won’t allow me to stay calm, so it’s an inner battle i’m currently dealing with.

I feel I needed to rant and talk it out, I’ve haven’t expressed myself in this way in a long time, it’s pretty liberating and it allows me to take a deep sigh of relief, which helps a little bit. I’ve come to the realization that I do need to befriend myself again, show more kindness to myself, show up for myself and love as well as care for this person I’m with everyday which is me, I should buy myself flowers like Miley Cyrus said in her song Flowers…..although I’ve not actually ever bought myself flowers before, maybe i’ll buy something else for myself besides flowers.

If you needed a sign to give yourself some self care and to try and de-stress in case you’ve been having quite the rough summer as well, this is your sign.

All The Love

Lexa 💚💚💚