A Little Bit Of Reflecting (Oct 21,2018)

Today was a very something kind of day, I was having one of my deep thought kind of days and every time that happens, I become a mess, I start overthinking, stressing out, which then causes me to become very frustrated and when i’m frustrated I can get pretty emotional…….which isn’t my favorite thing, because then it causes me to lose focus on the things that I try my hardest to not lose focus on especially when i’m dealing with days like this. The only reason i’m expressing all of this is because there was a lot that i’ve realized about myself, i’ve spoken before on how I don’t give myself the chance to really let something grow once i’ve gotten it up and running, which I don’t like that I do that.

Lately, i’ve been getting very frustrated, i’m not even going to try and pretend that everything’s been all that great, everything’s okay i’ll say that, but i’m still having some trouble really enjoying my days and i’m gonna explain why that is and the reason I keep going into deep thought mode, a lot of the times. I’m not quite sure how to write this part, but i’m just gonna write it however it comes out.

I enjoy writing, being able to write helps me get my mind in order a bit……..now for the past few days i’ve been writing in my thought journal, and I found myself writing something new every day or every other day, sometimes I write a lot, other times I don’t, sometimes my entries don’t even get finished properly. When I bought that journal a few years back, I said to myself that I wasn’t ever gonna write my own thoughts, that I was gonna use it to only write positive journal entries……….now I haven’t done that in a while, but what I have done was do exactly what I told myself I wouldn’t do.

You’re probably thinking what do you mean, it’s a journal you’re meant to write down your thoughts and feelings!? Yeah I know that, but when I would write in my thought journal, i’d only write the title of what I was feeling……but whenever i’d go to write whatever I wanted to express based off the title, it wouldn’t feel like they were my words if that makes sense!? It would always feel as though someone else wrote it, yet I wrote it, you know what I mean!? It’s like if you were playing a character in a movie or something, but you’re writing instead…….and you know, you say and write all these things and when you go back to read it, it’s as if it’s not even the same person and you’ve just found this journal lying around filled with thoughts and advice on the things your dealing with.

I’ve said before how sometimes i’ll read one of my journal entries and while i’m reading it i’d be surprised, because it wouldn’t even seem like I wrote it……like if you were to say “Hey look I found this journal filled with all these different advices” changed the cover of it and then handed it to me to read……..I probably would think it belonged to someone else at first and then maybe after reading a bit of it, i’d recognize it and say “Wait this seems familiar……oh wait this is my journal!?” So it’s kinda like the way I started writing in it when I first got it, I was writing it as if someone would find it and maybe be curious to read it, but in an advice guide kinda way, I don’t really know how to properly explain it, but I hope you understand what i’m trying to say here.

Although I enjoying writing………i’m constantly trying to figure out what else I could do to keep my spirts up, stay motivated and all that. Writing is great, don’t me wrong……..I love being able to express myself in a way I didn’t think I knew how, being able to bring in some of my ideas to here, like you know talking about bands or video games that I enjoy, asking random questions, you know stuff like that……..but I feel as though I need to showcase my personality a bit more if that makes any sense, it’s like when I write about something that i’m super excited about, I really get excited, but you wouldn’t quite know that exactly, just by me writing my words.

What i’m trying to say here is, i’ve kinda I won’t say lost, but I will say i’ve just……..I just feel as if some other stuff is missing, like some excitement I don’t know………i’ve realized tonight that i’m not very nice to myself, I know i’m hard on myself, but i’m not that nice. I don’t let myself be great, anytime I have new ideas on something I stop them from taking flight before they even get on board and I can’t keep doing that if I want to see myself succeed and do well.

I’m always complicating things when I know that I don’t need to and I cause myself to constantly overthink on things which I know isn’t good……….if I were to just to stop and breathe for a second, anytime I started to worry about something and just say to myself: “Hey, what are you doing!? All these things that you’re thinking about and stressing yourself out about, aren’t that big of a deal as you’re making it………You can do these things if you just stopped worrying on how it will turn out or whether or not their good enough……they are good enough, you just have to help them come to life and show everyone how passionate you are about them, even if they don’t get it.”

Everything I just said there in that little small dialogue I created, is my problem I overthink, because I worry about whether my ideas are good enough and when I do that this thing in my mind tells me that it won’t work and I shouldn’t continue on with it, but I know by doing that, I don’t win, because I let myself talk me out of ideas that once brought me joy or that I wanted to try, all because I was scared and didn’t think people were interested………..but I know that’s not a good way to think, if I always based everything I do on whether people would like it or not, then it only hurts me, because i’m not giving myself a chance nor am I giving my ideas a chance and whether people like something or not, it shouldn’t stop you from still seeing if you could do well with it.

There’s a lot of others things to it, but lately the way i’ve been feeling is more with meΒ  and whether or not i’m getting things right and I always just hope that I am and I think for me I just have to stop worrying and that’s something that has always been hard for me, because i’ve done it so much throughout my life it’s gonna be a little hard to get rid of it right away………but I want to be able to try a little bit more, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m proud of you and you’re doing very well.” while also being able to look back and be proud of something that I built myself like this blog for example.

I don’t want to be in this constant funk that i’m in, all because i’m constantly in my mind trying to figure things out when it comes to helping myself enjoy things more. I’m gonna do my best to stop worrying so much as best as I can and just try and do a little bit of everything if I feel that I should or need to, because the only person who can get me out of these deep thought sessions with myself……..is myself, I need to stop letting myself get so consumed in my own emotions and thoughts when it comes to things that I could just easily snap out of and i’m gonna do my best everyday to get better and do better, so I don’t feel the way I have again or at least as much as I have.

 

All The Love ❀ ❀

~Lexa~

 

Featured Photo By:Β Jan PhoenixΒ onΒ Unsplash

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