Ramble Of Thoughts…..

When we step back and look at all that we’ve done, what do we hope to see when looking!? Are we looking at something great or something lack luster to what we hoped we’d see!? Pondering and analyzing everything that’s lend up to where we are, we sometimes don’t know how exactly to feel with everything at hand. Have we worked things out in the best way possible or did we just give up on something way too soon then we should’ve!?

We ask ourselves to where we are actually heading and why does it take so long to get there, when you look back and observe everything, all these emotions and thoughts just pour out in front of you and sometimes you can’t stop it from happening, you try and try not to let it overwhelm you and you do your best to ignore it all together, but because we’re human,

We find masking our emotions and turning off all our feelings and thoughts isn’t as easy nor simple as it seems and sometimes you wish you could just take all those feelings, emotions, thoughts and everything in between and just put them in a box, leave a few holes in it, because we aren’t that careless of discarding them without letting them breathe a little and just ship them away, far away, so we wouldn’t have to feel them so hard.

You think by doing that, things would be okay, but then you come to the realization that bits and pieces of all your emotions, thoughts and feelings were left behind and you’re right back at square one. Now you’re not just feeling one emotion, but you’ve got everything so mixed up and jumbled together that you don’t even know what to do with them anymore, you know you can’t just throw them away and forget about them forever, there’s always something that’ll have you be reminded of them……

Although you wish you could just un-feel everything and just have one emotion on auto-pilot, you know that that’s not happening, you’re pretty much saying you’d rather feel empty by doing that and you think “yeah” that doesn’t sound like a bad idea right!? Sure maybe, but it doesn’t mean that what’s happened and what’s happening is going to go away for good.

You maybe not feel, feel, but you still will if that makes any sense…..and that’ll be because there’s always something that’ll remind you, if the impact was big enough, the only difference is you’ll be without emotions dealing with it, which may be a little worst because you’ve prevented yourself from feeling to where now you feel nothing at all, numbing and suppressing everything you’ve ever felt, plus the feelings and emotions to come……

With everything just racing around and slowing down before you, all at the same time, it’s hard to really know how to feel, at first you feel everything and then you only feel a little, later everything decides to rush on back to you out of nowhere and then you find a different emotion appears.

It’s just all confusing, you’re feeling all these different things, that you don’t know how to deal, one minute you’re happy, the next sad, later you find yourself getting frustrated and angry, but then you’ll have a moment thinking to yourself on whether you should’ve even felt that way in the first place…..not only is your brain confused, but so is every part of you inside.

How we deal with all these mixture of emotions at times is beyond me, when they’re running separately, it’s manageable, because you know what you’re dealing with, so you’re able to find a way to work with them,

But when you’re having to deal with them all at once, you find yourself scrabbling to find the best way to keep them under control which just calls for a mess to be made and in those moments, you kinda just want to turn them off and keep yourself on auto pilot, especially when they come in heavy. That being said, as much as we’d like to, we can’t just turn off those emotions, the closest to not worrying about them would be to numb them all together, now what is numbing!? To numb is to not feel,

You numb to keep any kind of pain away that you may be feeling, to keep from dealing with it, but just because you aren’t feeling anything, doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything, that probably sounds confusing i’m sure…. when you don’t feel, you do in a way, it’s just a little different, your purposely trying not to feel and when you don’t feel, you can’t react.

At least not in a proper way, you still feel it though, no matter what you think and tell yourself, it’s just suppressed deep down. When you numb away everything and shut off every emotion and thought possible, you’re just pretending it doesn’t exist and that makes you feel more without having to actually feel and what I mean with that is, just because everything else is closed off, doesn’t take away the fact that, you’re still holding on to an emotion, it’s just being kept on one level, you can’t react if you don’t know how and so you keep yourself in a neutral state to help you function.

Which is understandable, we all know that sometimes it gets too much and if helps to numb an emotion for a period of time then why not!? but to turn it off completely that’s something you never want to do, you want to be able to feel something and if you can’t, it kinda beats the whole purpose of being human doesn’t it!?!

All The Love ❀ ❀

~Lexa

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s