It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas…However It Sure Doesn’t Feel Like It!

So it seems we’re getting closer to Christmas time along with the new year, we got 4 more days before everyone’s saying Merry Christmas and one more week left before we’re saying farewell to 2021 and how’s it going 2022! I can’t even begin to tell you where this year has gone especially when it comes to the month of December….this month approached us so quickly and just as we were getting comfortable with it, thinking it was going to stay a while like the rest of the other months, it surprised us all with how close it is to finishing, LITERALLY December is over next week and I don’t know how to feel about that exactly!?

You know I was thinking out loud to myself earlier this morning, I had a few thoughts and the best way for me to get my thoughts out is speaking out loud to myself, it helps me to not keep certain emotions in…..I probably could’ve written it down as well, but it wasn’t in my mind to that in the moment so I was just letting it out to the air! I know that probably sounds weird, but I feel it to really help, sometimes I don’t always want to talk about things to people so I say it to myself that way it’s out of my head.

I won’t talk about everything I thought about, but I will talk about a specific thing…which actually came out of nowhere to be fair…..I had a thought where I thought about dealing with things, now this may come out as deep, although it’s not what I’m intending for it to be, but if it does then it does…..anyway when it comes to dealing with things and this could be in a general state…..as humans….we don’t necessarily have to deal with anything really, yes there are things that we have to accept in our lives, but the real question or statement to it shall I say isn’t about dealing with things, but more adapting to it, where it’s a choice!

What I mean by that is, when we’re surrounded with different scenarios, situations, people even, we have the choice of whether we want to allow those things into our lives, as well as choosing whether we want to adapt to those things…..life is always going as we know, we also know that there’s always something new to experience with it and a lot of the time we aren’t aware to what those things are and so we tend to be left with surprises from it!

That being said….just because there’s a lot going on with life it doesn’t mean that we have to always adapt to everything, although we should try our best to accept things as they are, even when it’s something we may not want to accept in the moment, it’s important to know that there’s a difference to accepting something and having the choice to adapt to that same thing…..it’s like flowers…..I know weird example I’m about to give, but it’s the first thing that came to mind so it’s what I’m going to use, flowers are very interesting!

If you’re lucky you may just see one sprout through concrete…..but with most flowers they all have a season, most of them tend to grow during the Springtime, but there are others that grow in the Summer and Fall and there are very rare and unique ones that might just grow during the Winter time, now you might be asking yourself where am I going with this…..to bring it back the best way I know how…..with most flowers they know their season and although there are flowers that will adapt and grow in the other seasons, most of them are Spring time flowers and won’t grow in any other season, but it’s because it’s how their made, they accept it!

What I’m trying to say here is, we’re not always meant to adapt to certain things, we can choose to adapt and put ourselves into something and be around people that are a little different to us, but that we know can help us in some way, however we don’t have to feel like we have to force ourselves to adapt to things that we know within ourselves isn’t who we are! When we find ourselves in those situations, it’s important to hear what our inner voices are saying, so if you’re in a place and you start to feel like you’re not meant to be there….really listen to that feeling!

If you find yourself surrounded by people and you’re feeling more out of place then you are enjoying yourself then really look at that, sometimes you can have moments where it’s more out of shyness then you feeling you’re just there and that’s it, it really depends on the situation there, but if you genuinely feel like you’re always invading people personal space even when they tell you you’re not or you just feel like it’s not your kind of scene then that’s when you want to look into it deeper!

Now I’m not saying don’t go out of your comfort because it’s important to do that every now and again, because it allows you to gain new experiences and see things in a whole new way to what you were use to, as well as getting to meet new people, some of them will have shared interests and will be similar to you and some will be the complete opposite to you, but sometimes that’s the best thing because you don’t want everyone to be like you it’s good to have that one person that’s more realistic and will tell you “hey you might want to re look at this” or tell you if you’re going a little off track, but not in a way of saying their way is right and your way is wrong, but just by letting you know they care and always want to make sure you’re good!

Those are the people you want in your life, you want someone to be your Ying to their Yang, you can’t have one without the other….but to get back on track…..It’s important to know yourself and what feels right to you and what doesn’t…..in terms of people, as much as we may want all that come into our lives to stay…..not all of them are going to….so as we wrap up the year within the next few days…..whoever chooses to adapt and stay in our lives will and those who feel it’s time for them to move on in whatever way or form…..

Well you should always choose to thank them for being with you for the time that they were and accept the situation however it may come, when it comes to all the other things look at what they are and decide if whether you want to adapt to them or not and whatever you choose, always try your best to accept even if it feels hard at first, always accept it!

Take care, stay safe and happy holidays!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

I’m Just Thinking Out Loud….

Good afternoon! Hope your Tuesday is treating you all well, Summer is literally close by anyone else feeling this heatwave of sorts, I’m telling you Summer….not my thing! Besides that, let’s have a chat in writing shall we!? It’s been a bit, well more like 5 days, but whose keeping count right!? You know one thing I can appreciate with writing is that when you need to find words…..you’re able to take your time with it, there isn’t as much pressure with it compared to if you were podcasting an episode or making videos…..not saying I don’t like doing those things, I do it helps me to express differently and forces me to put myself out there in different ways, which is something I am both used to and not used to, however when I really need to think on things and I know I need the pressure lowered it really helps to just sit back and take my time to write about it!

I struggle with words most times, although I love to talk, seriously I enjoy talking especially when the topic is something that means a lot to me, BUT…..that being said…..really talking about things….I always have a hard time no matter how much I try and prepare for it! In order for me to really find my words…..I need to think deeply on it and having this blog and being able to say the things that can be hard to say talking wise really means a lot, if this was a live writing and talking….there would be a lot of ums and long pauses, which I try my hardest to not do…but it’s just something that is apart of me, it’s how I express and I’m trying to get used to that when expressing verbally, along with trying to keep those ums and long pauses short…still got a long way to go on that, but I’m sure I’ll get there!

I don’t think on it often, but in this moment, right here, right now…..I am very and extremely grateful to have this blog to be my voice on days when I am not sure what to say or when I feel I need a moment to gather my thoughts, I am a very expressive person, that has a hard time expressing, which is the weirdest thing lol! If you were to just see me at a natural state and just allowed me to chat about whatever comes to mind…..you’d see how expressive I actually am,

That being said, I’m still getting used to being my naturally expressive self that’s why I have so many different things that I do, from this blog to my still figuring out Podcast and soon probably something a lot different than what I’m used to, but that I feel would help to really be comfortable with myself, sometimes I wonder if I’m too weird for for people and if I should tone it down and that’s me being completely and from the heart honest, you can’t see me, but I’m trying my best to keep from getting emotional here, but it’s the truth!

It’s the truth that I’ve never really been open with, I always express how you should just be yourself, but honestly….I have a hard time fully being myself and I’m trying to become comfortable with being who I am and who I’m still discovering I am, even at the age of 26 lol, but I’m hoping I will eventually get it *literally scratched it* I have faith that eventually I’ll learn to be okay with it!

Now when it comes to how I choose to showcase my voice…..I choose to show it and embrace it in many different ways, be it blogging on it, stepping out of comfort expressing it on my Podcast and even in front of a camera as camera shy as I maybe at time, somedays I don’t mind it, but somedays I do, Just like Scott James once sang in his song Speck In The Spectrum “Part of me, likes this…..and part of me doesn’t mind it! All the rest is a Speck in the Spectrum, of a world that makes no sense to me”

Not sure what made me quote that song, I can’t share it anyway as he’s put is old songs private on his Youtube, but it was the first thing that came to mind, one of my favorites by him! Those are my thoughts though, don’t know where they came from, I just started writing and it just naturally came out, I didn’t even know I was writing it until I wrote it!

If you would like to get to know me better or my ways of expressing better I recently recorded an episode on my Podcast similar to this topic, you can listen to it here: Finding Ones Voice (Just Chatting) You can check it out on Anchor or Spotify whatever suits you!

Thank you for reading this post and just for being here in general, very much appreciated!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Truthfully Speaking….

Hiya….I don’t know how I should start this…..there’s a lot I want to say to you, but I find it hard to say it, I know we have days that we talk and days that we don’t, I’ve accepted that’s how it is at the moment with us right now….I know we both got our own journey that we’re on, in yours you’ve got it and are very confident, in mine, everything is kind of new still to me, but I’ve been doing my best to go more out of my comfort which is something we got to talk about by the way! I think of you always, you probably know that though by now, I can sense you probably think of me too, I hope at least lol…..I miss you always nothing new, there’s times that I want to call you, just to hear your voice and to also talk to you for a bit, but I don’t because I know how busy you are…..and if I’m being honest I sometimes think you won’t answer if I do anyway!

If I was able to write a song to you on what I’ve been feeling I would, I know that’s random, but it was the next thing that came to my head so I said it, but I’m also not saying I haven’t written lyrics for you…..I’m just saying…..also me writing that helped to get nerves out, don’t ask me why I’m nervous I just am…..I guess in a way this is the first time where I’m trying to be completely open with you to my feelings that I always have trouble expressing to you…..you’ll ask me if I’m okay and I’ll always say yeah, but there will be things that I won’t say as well and I know you’re the same way….. I know that’s why you don’t really say much these days, I always feel you want to, but I also know that you feel you work it out best alone and I never want to push you to saying things you aren’t ready to say…..I’ll always give you the time that you feel you need, even when all I want to do is talk to you, I’ll always have patience for you.

I love hearing from you, you have no idea how much that brightens my day! That aside…..How you been!? I hope you’re doing okay and I hope your family’s doing alright too as well your nan, I hope she’s been okay!? I hope everything’s been going well with what you’re doing and that you’re enjoying yourself with it all! I’ve been watching some of your videos and I always see how happy you are doing it which makes me smile, I love it when you smile and are happy though…..I know this week was hard, did you feel it!? If so I felt it too…..did you know there was a Lunar Eclipse yesterday, I know you don’t like hearing these facts, but you know I always like telling you them anyway,

It’s just me! I don’t know what else to say…..I feel I might’ve said everything I needed, but I also feel I still got more I want to say, maybe I’ll say it when we have a proper talk if you want to do that! I think that’s everything for now, before I finish up this post message for you, I just want you to always know and remember how much I love you, no matter what goes on and how much we talk and how much we don’t…..just know I love you and that I always will that’s never going to change…..hopefully you read this, because it’s kind of why I wrote it lol…..I’d used the sticking out of the tongue icon here, but I’m on my computer writing this…..hold on wait 😛 never mind that works, hopefully you laughed, yes I know I’m weird you don’t have to tell me….okay I’m done….for now!

P.S.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Dappy lately…..especially I.O.U that keeps coming on for some reason and it’s not me choosing to play it, it just comes on by itself, although I have been purposely listening to Beautiful Me and No Regrets mainly Beautiful Me though, I forgot how good both those songs were….Oh and Grease has been coming on a lot as well, can you guess what song!?

All The Love Always ❤ ❤ ❤

Lexa

Let’s Chat: How Are You!?

I’m finding myself going back and forth through two posts that i’ve pre written, but still yet to post, it’s like I don’t really know what to keep my focus on other than Animal Crossing New Horizons, which by the way (side tracking here for a brief moment) is a REALLY, amazing game!!

Well it’s pretty great anyway, the amazing part might just be me hyping it up just a little bit…..but New Horizons aside……I don’t know what or where to keep my mind on……I don’t know if any of you are having that kind of day as well or have been having those kind of days!?

Speaking of how are you all doing!? How have you been dealing and getting through all that’s been happening!? I know a lot of people are probably finding it a somewhat difficult or maybe a whole lot difficult, maybe some of you are taking it somewhat okay than most people might…..

I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things, I don’t know how a lot of you are getting through this, but hopefully you’re all doing alright and are keeping safe and well, I know it’s not been the most best of days of late, but hopefully you’ve all had something to look forward to, maybe it’s a new video game, book, music, organizing something!? You’d be surprise on what can be a big help to kick up a low kind of mood!!

This isn’t a long post as you can see…..i’m just curious and genuinely want to know how you guys have been getting through all of this and if there’s anything right now that has been not only keeping you busy, occupied and productive, but also just giving you something to look forward to and keeping your minds to not have you think about what’s going on 24/7!?

All The Love

Lexa

Has Communication Really Become So Hard These Days!?

I tell you some people sure know how to communicate……I say that sarcastically by that way, in case that was missed!! Now i’m going to try and keep things on a positive outlook to this topic, because it just seems really easy to go on a negative rant here and i’m not going to lie to you guys, buuut, it’s kinda what i’m feeling here, however i’m going to do my best to keep it the rant from overpowering here…..Let’s just talk calmly about this!!

Before anything though……..i’m going to take a small break so I can eat, i’m kinda hungry so…..be right back (Lunch Break……) Back….sorry that took a while, you know I forgot just how good goldfish snacks are, if you’re not careful you’ll end up eating the whole bag, I had to put it away from me that’s how addictive they are, still good though!!

Anyway on to the topic of communications……now we all know that communications is a way of expression, when we communicate we tell about the things that we feel as well as what we care about, but it seems these days communication is a little hard to reach at time, scratch that it’s not the communication that’s hard, but the listening that seems to be the issue at times, why is that!? When did listening become so hard to do!?

Now let’s get this straight alright, sometimes we aren’t all great listeners and when we know we should be, we still sometimes have a hard time taking things in the way we should……it’s a weird thing, but even when listening and communicating is a hard thing, sometimes we need to know when to really listen, if there’s something that needs expressing we have to learn how to shut our mouths and open our ears, that’s how we show our support and love to people and if happens that someone we may just be encountering for the first time needs to express something,

That’s how we show care and compassion as human beings, sometimes we all have a little too much we’re trying to handle, some of those things being mentally or emotionally and so forth and because we do, we just need a little support, we may not ask about it, but sometimes you can just feel it or see even, we don’t always have to show support in a huge way, sometimes a simple ear to lend can be that big support that someone needs,

Having a chat can even be a big thing for some, I don’t think we look at listening and communicating as an important thing these days, some people would rather sit silently, not saying that’s a bad thing, because it’s not, it’s just sometimes silence can seem like an enemy and can be a little loud for our psyche to deal with especially when thoughts start being added the mix.

So just because silents can be a good thing for us, doesn’t mean we always want to sit with it for a long period of time…..sometimes we need distracts that help get us out of our heads and a good distraction is communicating in what ways!? Well that depends on what’s needed,

Sometimes it’s talking about what we’re feeling, other ways it’s talking randomly and seeing how weird the conversation can get, but the take away to those conversations is also listening, opening our ears and turning up the volume a little so we’re hearing everyone word possible,

That’s how we understand each other better and sometimes by doing that we help someone feel a little better and vice versa!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Conversation With An Old Friend, It’s Been A While….

It’s around 10:30pm and my minds blank on what to write, I also need to get up really early in the morning, I don’t think I have anything at all today to share with you guys, I was trying to think of something before, but nothing really came to me…..I then tried to listen to some space ambience music to see if that would work to get some kinda of an idea or something, nada…..

I think it’s another blank day, I could tell you about a dream I had last night to make this post a little interesting and readable, it wasn’t anything too weird, in my dream though, I spoke to one of my friends, who by the way is no longer around…..but in the dream he randomly called me and I had a conversation with him and I could hear his voice too, it was the most odd thing ever, i’m not really sure if we were talking about anything important,

Maybe we did, maybe not……it felt more like a catch up conversation than something serious, it was pretty random, to me it just felt like a casual conversation where you just talk about anything, we always used to have weird conversations when we spoke anyway, in the dream we also called another friend of mine, but yeah, I really don’t know if there was anything important to it, maybe it was just that, a catch up conversation kind of dream and also him wanting to say hi and be weird and check up on me.

I don’t really know, when I woke up this morning, I was confused to why I had the dream, I haven’t had my friend visit me in a dream for some time now, but it was nice hearing from him and talking to him, even though I have no idea what we were actually talking about……

I guess if it was important he’d be sure to let me know, but I think it was just him wanting to stop by and chat for a bit, if that was you Ang….thank you for coming by in a different way too, i’m getting the feeling you were saying “yep that was me, in the dream, just saying hi, just because I felt like it” those might not be the exact words you’d use, but it would be along the lines, which I am counting because I can and just did!!

Sorry I just needed to send that out real quick, but yeah I think that’s all I have for now, i’m going to call it a night and get ready to hit the hay, I know what you’re thinking…..who says that….anymore!? i’m going now…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

If Words Were Bullets, We’d All Be Wounded Or Worst…..

Not all words are bullets, but majority can be……if we’re not careful, we learn that we can do a whole lot of damage with them. Sometimes we don’t really think about the way we say things and if we do, sometimes they can still come out in a way where we don’t realize just how much it can effect a person…..a lot of what we say sometimes we say it out of spite, why!?

Because we’re angry and upset, but just because we’re upset, it doesn’t mean we should throw knives at a person, however most people still do, with words you can say anything, but our words and how we say them will determine what the outcome turns out to be. If we say something in an attempt to hurt someone, well that doesn’t make us good people does it!?

We’re just doing it out of spitefulness and that’s not how things should be, we should learn how to say something without it coming across negatively, however sometimes we end up in a gray area, because we could use our words and use it with kindness or in a way that isn’t hurtful, but it may still end up still coming off that way, a lot of the time we don’t know how to say things without it coming off a certain way, some of us say things based off how we feel and also because we don’t know another way to say it.

We don’t think about the effects of it, until after everything is said and done, we say what we say within the moment and then later think about it, for some it can be the other way around, where they think first and say later and I gotta say when it comes to those people, we could learn a thing or two, but it’s not always like that, some people would rather it be said then and there and that’s fine, but at the same time, if we’re not careful in the way we say things, it’ll turn sour real quick and then we’ll find a very big mess at our hands, with words we don’t think they do much, but they do.

We can always go back and rethink how everything played out and then come back and re discuss it to clear out any miscommunication that might’ve been taking in, at the start of a conversation, doing that actually works, because if one party felt a certain way, we’d be able to sort it out to make sure that everything is set right and make things better, vice versa.

That being said though, sometimes you’ll find yourself in the middle of a war zone trying your hardest to dodge any minefields that are hidden beneath, if you’re lucky, sometimes you make it out alive, other times you have no choice, but to stand your ground and go to war……

However you don’t always have to, you can always choose when to pick your battles, it’s not always easy though when it comes to choosing them, sometimes we don’t know when the best time and when it’s not, I guess you kinda just gotta look out for it or just go in either way, but it doesn’t mean we have or need to charge through with every blow or explosion we hear.

When it comes to choosing, we either look out for it, charge through and if it’s a battle we don’t have to particularly take part in, if it came to a point where we have to step in and go to war (hoping it doesn’t over escalate) we should at least be mindful in what we say, but most importantly, we should always be careful when heading into the battlefield, the mission is to defuse not infuse…..once that’s mastered, we will all know how to heal each other.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Penciled Version
Pen Version

Side Note: I thought i’d add one of my drawings to this post, why well I wanted to have some kind of cover for this post, last time I shared one of my doodles, I said that I would add the penciled part to it as well as pen, I have not decided on a color for it yet, so that’s why you’re seeing it like this, if you guys have any suggestions to what colors I should use, feel free to share it would really be helpful and i’d appreciate it as well, thank you!! ^_^

From Me To You…..I Hope You Read This….

I’m writing a message right now to you, but i’m not sure whether to send it or not, i’m afraid if I send it, you’re going to ignore it and not bother looking at it and i’ll just feel like i’m talking to myself…….

I know you’re not really wanting to speak and you’re figuring everything out, although I feel you might’ve already figured what you wanted to out. I see and hear your messages loud and clear believe it or not, if only you knew how hard I try to keep myself together everyday, it’s a challenge, I don’t always win at it, but I manage to keep it at a fine level for a good amount of time……it sucks that it’s this way and I just wanted to let you know that the last message I sent wasn’t to be taken in a way that was final,

I was just giving you the space you wanted and I don’t know if that was a good thing or if it was the worst idea possible, I know you’re doing fine, I can see it. I feel like the worst person ever and that’s the honest truth, I wasn’t trying to push you away, even though you said many times that the situation would do that and although you say it’s not me, I feel like you sorta might think it is a little, I don’t know……..

I know i’ve not given back what you gave me enough and I know you’re probably hurt about it, because it’s pretty much the same situation again that you wanted to avoid…….I tried to have you avoid that, but I guess I failed at doing so, I shouldn’t, but I take great pride at blaming myself for all of this happening and I don’t expect, nor do I want you to feel bad, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel and how I have been feeling for a long time,

I wanted to talk to you about it, but I never could say that to you, because you will always just tell me that it’s not my fault and that you know I wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t change the fact that in a way, I will always feel as though you’ll think of it as it happened again and that’s why you went away from me……I can’t help, but apologize for it, I don’t know where we’re standing right now, but I feel as though I might already know.

I always saw you as my best friend as well, but I don’t even know if you still want to be that, I feel you’re mad at me and I hate it when you’re mad at me, sometimes i’m mad at you, there’s times where I was mad at you, but didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. I know the situation is the reason for all this as well as other things, I tried very hard to fix that…..

No one listens as you know, this here isn’t about me, it’s about you and what you’re feeling, I hate not knowing how you’re feeling, i’ve asked before, but I get you don’t like repeating yourself and you shouldn’t have to, but I learned keeping things in is the worst thing you can do, but I guess maybe you felt as though telling me things didn’t matter. Like your feelings didn’t matter, which they always did to me……I don’t know if you resent me, it feels like you do, believe it or not I can feel your anger and disappoint and i’m sorry, you were the last person I ever wanted to do that to.

You know the last thing I wanted was to ever hurt you, but yet that’s what I did, i’m still trying to find a way to fix it somehow even though I know you’re most likely done, I guess sometimes you just stop caring. I wish I could that….but I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t…..maybe that’s why people walk all over me, because I care too goddamn much, but i’d be lying if I said I’d stop caring. Even when people don’t want to be bothered,

I still care, most of the time I can just forget and move on, but I can’t in this case, I can’t just forget and act unbothered, because I am bothered, I can forget it for a moment, but then it rushes back like a hurricane to the point where I can’t handle it, but I do my darn best. I hate this feeling and I can’t shake it no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re doing it well, I don’t feel like a thought anymore and I guess you can say everyone was right, right!?

I’m suppose to prove everyone wrong and I don’t really know how to do that, which gives everyone the satisfaction to say I told you so, just like you said, again I don’t expect you to feel bad, not that you would for a second. I know you kept giving me options and I kept telling you not to, because I had a feeling that if you did, you would leave and I wouldn’t speak to you anymore. We’d always said we’d speak, but I guess for a long time we just ran out of words to say, you’re all about action and i’m just words and I guess everyone knows that……every conversation we had with that, plays in my head, not all at once, but in different sections, I don’t know how to action things properly, i’ve been doing my best to work at it though.

I wish I could just send this to you without having to post it, but I can’t, how else will you see this!? If you want to hate me, you can, I was suppose to keep you safe and keep you reassured, but I failed to do that, I wanted to and still do, but I can’t until I figure myself out huh!? I’m never going to wish you harm or worse things, I care too much about you to ever do that and I love you too much to do that, plus you don’t deserve it.

Major loss that’s what you said, I had a feeling you’d go, I just didn’t think you’d go completely, but what was I to expect when you said “it’s going to push me away” I really made a mess didn’t I!? I was supposed to better for you, but I don’t think I ever was, only when I was around maybe, but I wasn’t really the best supporter was I!? I was supposed to keep you out of your head, but instead I had you go back into it, maybe not on purpose,

but I did, I think about you and your health a lot and I get sad, because I don’t know how you’re doing and i’m always afraid that it’ll happen again, but this time it’ll be my fault because of the situation and I hate that I feel like that, but it’s the truth, you may not think I care, but you’d be wrong to think that. I don’t know how else to talk to you, but I don’t know if you even want to talk to me anymore, it seems like you’re better off without me from the looks of it, but I don’t know if that’s true. I used to know you so well and I still feel like I do, but at the same time I don’t, I want to talk to you so bad, but I don’t know if we’ll still have words to say to each other…..

I guess you were right when you said it’ll hurt the other person more than you, if that’s not accurate I don’t know what is. I always want you to be happy and well, you’re always in my mind when I think of that, whether you still want me in your life in someway or you would rather just pretend I never existed, I still want you to be happy, I always hope it would be with me, but if you’ve taken things as final and you’re happy not talking or everything anymore, just know i’m still going to want the best for you,

because whether you believe me or not, you deserve that and I know you know that, i’m proud of you everyday and am really happy for you, for everything, i’m happy you finally found a career your going to enjoy for the rest of your life, i’m happy for how far you came and for starting your all girls team that you wanted to create……all I wanted was to make you happy, but if i’m unable to do that, I want you to let someone else do that for you.

I don’t like thinking like that, but I wanted to say that, i’m not giving up, because I don’t want to, I just don’t know how long you’ll want to wait, but I think you might be done with waiting and I get it, you have everything set and I still am stressfully trying to figure it out, I sometimes wish I would’ve figured it out a long time ago because then I wouldn’t be worrying about everything so much now…….

And before you say it or think it, I know you tried helping, don’t ever think I forget that and that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but like you said there was only so much you could do and if you don’t help yourself no one else will and i’m trying to that. I don’t know if I have anything else to say, but I hope you talk to me and I hope you still want me around,

I’m not going to beg you because begging and chasing isn’t the best thing to do, but I am trying to fight here in someway whether you see it that way or not, I hope you do see it because i’ve never in my life have done this before and i’m scared and if i’m being honest I have no idea what i’m doing and I just feel I keep doing everything wrong.

If you want to talk, you know I have nothing better to do at the moment and i’m just gonna say it like that because it’s true, I know you’re busy and your focusing, i’m not trying to take you away from that whatsoever, but whenever you have the time, I hope you call or message back, i’d like to hear your voice, I miss it and I miss you, but if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine, I just hope you do talk to me at least.

I’m going to stop writing, because this is starting to become very long, but I do hope you’re okay and that you’re doing well, you stay safe and be careful and I hope you’re taking proper care of yourself, seriously!! I love you with all of my heart that’ll never stop ever, no matter how hard I try at it.

P.S. Sorry for this very long post, for those reading this, I needed to get it out.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Opening Up…. (July 19, 2019)

Opening up can seem like a real task at times, you wouldn’t think it’d be as hard as it is, but when you’re someone who has a hard time really letting out your feelings and emotions you find that it’s not always easy to do.

It’s quite nerve wrecking actually, trying to get out just an ounce of words to form out of your mouth, sometimes you find yourself just staring out into space because you’re trying to find the right set of words hoping that what you’re going to say is going to make sense or come out right.

It’s why a lot of us, most of the time don’t really say anything if we’re feeling something and sometimes it’s because of the feeling it brings inside, but holding on to the emotions that we feel for too long, can sometimes wear you down, when it’s stuck floating all around in your head……

Opening up can be hard to do, but sometimes expressing our feelings, even though it doesn’t seem like it, can make a bit of a difference while also making you feel a little better in the process.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~