*Peaks head around corner* Alooe, it’s been sometime since I’ve written here, It was this month last year that I published my latest post after not writing for a good while, I guess you can say April is the month for writing for me. I’ll be honest I haven’t really thought much about writing lately, I didn’t really think I’d come back here, it’s not that I had forgotten about my blog and didn’t want to write anymore, it just hadn’t crossed my mind. I was actually reminded about my blog when a friend of mine brought it up to me, I believe last month in one of my streams, I actually forgot I had added it to my about page, we then started talking about all the things I did before I started streaming on Twitch that same stream, I can’t recall which stream it was, but I remember the conversation about it.

I didn’t give it much thought after that stream ended, a couple of weeks went by and not once did I think to myself “I should really get back into writing” apart from when I said it during stream. Fast forward to today and here we are, here I am back on this blog that I hadn’t been on for a good while. I actually had a bit of moment where I was having trouble logging in, took a while, but I got it in the end…I guess there was apart of me that felt I needed to come back, you see I woke up this morning with a more inner dialogue, not feeling like saying much out loud, but doing a whole lot of inside thinking. To be honest, I didn’t think i’d find myself here, it only came to me as I was drinking my coffee and having a little breakfast, at first I was thinking about how the start of the new month has been so far, we’re only on the 3rd day of the month, yet I have noticed with each day I felt a different emotion, so that’s actually what brought me back to this place.

I just found myself analyzing my thoughts and feelings and realized how this month has been for me, on the 1st of the month, I was in a more sensitive mode sorta of mindset, while on the 2nd day (yesterday) I was more upbeat and feeling pretty good energy wise, and had a more tougher additude in a good way, TODAY however the 3rd of April, I’m in a introspection kind of energy mode, if I even say anything out loud it’s in a whisper sorta of way and then I go right back to inner dialogue mode. Energy wise I am alright, if you asked me “On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate your pain or mood!?” In Baymax’s voice, Big Hero 6 (Great movie by the way) I would rate it about a 7, 7 and a half….okay I’m feeling it out and I’d say about 6 and half, 7 max, which to most might seem pretty low maybe, but for me is pretty good!

It’s not 100%, but it’s good enough, percentage that’s like 60% ish to me….yeah that feels about right, which is more than my phone battery now (it’s at 57% currently for anyone that’s curious) April is just a month of inwardness, is that a word!? If it’s not, it is now, to me at least it’s a month of inward thinking it seems….having an inner dialogue moment or days isn’t a bad thing, we all have those moments and honestly we all need it at times, so that we can think things through clearly and properly that way we don’t go overreacting or reacting to things that test our patience, sanity and or goes trying to change the way we feel, it’s a learning moment. We don’t always doing it right and sometimes we mess up and do the thing we tried to keep ourselves from doing earlier and it’s okay if we mess up, we have to remember to not give ourselves a hard time if we find we may have crossed our own line/circle we drew ourselves so we don’t go stepping outside ourselves trying to protect our own energy and ways of going about how we respond to a situation in front of us.

It’s a challenge, not an easy one, but it’s one that we have to sit back and observe and I guess today is my day to sit back and observe while trying not to respond/react in a way that’s wanting me to lose my peace of mind. If anyone has ever felt or had days where you’re in an inner dialogue state of mind and maybe you’re wondering why it is you’re more to yourself and not really going out your way to say much during the day, just know that it’s okay. It’s funny though, cause usually that’s when you find that’s when people try talking to you the most, sorta like a headphones on, music on kind of moment where you’re just in your own world, enjoying the songs on your playlist, then someone comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, when all you wanted to do was listen to your music in peace, but you want to be poliet, so you take your headphones off, to try and listen to what they were trying to say and right as you do that they stop talking to you….yeah!

That’s the mood for today, headphones in, music on, just feeling more inwards and the words you speak are on the inside and if you have to respond it’s only with a few words and most of the time, people don’t like it, but you may find people that read the room and understand that you’re just not as talkative, so they do their best to give you the space you need until you feel you’re ready and the thing is, sometimes it’s not always for the whole day, but maybe during the morning/afternoon or night where you just want to be to yourself, it happens, the point of what I was getting at is, don’t feel bad if that’s how you’re feeling, we all have those moments.

It’s good to acknowledge your thoughts/feelings it helps to better understand yourself, you get to learn new things about yourself, that you didn’t know or maybe things you haven’t really thought much about deeply, the good thing is there’s a lot of different ways to express yourself when you aren’t feeling like saying it out loud, art, music, maybe watching a good movie/show that you feel goes with what you’re feeling or reading a good book or in my case writing it out even, whatever it is that calls to you, then that’s what you do, as long as it’s something good that feeds your soul and makes you feel happy or better if you’re having a rough time and don’t worry about those that feel some kind of way about it, just do what you feel is right for you, just make sure your inner dialogue is with calmness and peace and not a bunch of overthinking and being self critical, there’s a difference, once you can recongize the two, you’re on the right track.

I didn’t expect to actually write this much, but honestly it’s good to be back here, i’ll try and write more soon! Until then, may you all have a great rest of your day, take care of yourself, rest well if you need to and have a goodnight/morning or evening whatever time a day it is for you (✿◠‿◠)

Much Love 💚💚💚
Lexa