2 Weeks Away, Almost 3….

How’s everyone doing these days, hope well!! Now I know what some of you are probably thinking, “Where have you been!?” and if you aren’t thinking that well then, that’s okay, but I will sorta explain why I haven’t written anything new for the past 2 to almost 3 weeks, I think the longest i’ve went not posting is about a few days maybe a week, this times a new record, we surpassed a week of not posting, can we get an hurrah!?

No i’m kidding, I haven’t posted on here for a reason, you see i’ve been away due to my brain thinking a lot mainly on where i’m going or want to go at least……there’s a lot of things that I haven’t really expressed on here, I might do that one day, not sure when exactly, but one day……

I still haven’t gained that much courage to do so just yet. Now even though I haven’t written and posted anything new on my blog in a good while, I have been still writing, just more handwriting then typing, i’m actually close to filling one of my journals, not quite finished, but it’s getting there i’d say.

So yeah, i’ve been trying to really think on what I want to do (career wise) this isn’t anything new really, it’s something that i’ve been switching back and forth with for a good while now, i’ve just been putting it off for a good amount of time and you know what that’s no one else’s fault but mine, you think you’re fine with something, but then realize you’re not.

So yeah there’s that for one……i’ve also been trying to get better at certain things…..still sorta working on that……i’m kinda feeling a bit of stress and pressure and that’s me doing that to myself because I really want to get somewhere and feel good about it, I mean we all do don’t we!?

There’s a lot let’s just say, but i’m doing my best to work it all out so I could move forward from where i’ve always been stood, if that makes sense!?

I must say this has got to be the most i’ve written in a while on here, which is surprising for some reason, because normally I write a lot, in my journals at least, i’m not sure how often i’ll be posting on here, I kinda purposely stepped away from here just so I can get my head straight and that, plus i’ve been wanting to make this blog better and i’m not sure in what way I want to do that, maybe it’ll be more personal or something, i’m not sure yet.

Hopefully it’ll all just happen naturally, but yeah that’s just a bit of an update I guess you can say, I don’t know what else to say, I hope you’re all doing well and having a good day sorry it’s taken me a few weeks to write, I kinda felt as though I didn’t have much to say so I didn’t, I have missed it though I won’t say I didn’t, i’m always on here believe it or not haha……

That’s all I have for now, but I will post something again soon, maybe not this week or maybe, who know, I might surprise you and post something one of these days or during the weekend, i’ll go based on if I feel I want to say something or how i’m feeling, right now it’s just how things are going,

But you guys enjoy the rest of your day or night depending on what time of day it is where you are and i’ll write to you guys again soon.

P.S. Since we’re coming to the closing days of Summer I thought i’d share something I made a while ago, I was meant to post it, but never did…..

All The Love ❤ < 3

~Lexa~

Feb 1, 2019

SO as you all know today is the first day of February, which means we have left January behind, it’s insane how quickly time goes ain’t it!? not really sure what to write and talk about, i’m in a bit of a mood today, i’m trying so really sort myself out, because i’m at the point where if I don’t i’m just going to continue to feel not 100 percent happy and I can’t keep feeling not 100 percent happy, I know i’m lacking in the “be in the moment and enjoy things more” department, I don’t know how to get out of being there.

It’s like although i’m trying so flipping hard to come back to being my old self, I know that i’m still not entirely there and everyone keeps telling me that i’m constantly stress and that i’m not the same, as if I don’t know that!! I know the stress I feel, I have to keep on a lower level compared to how I was initially feeling it and i’ve been working on that, now the whole i’m not 100 percent myself part, that’s a little hard at the moment.

When you’ve been feeling a certain way for a good while, you’re not just going to go back to being 100 percent right away, everyone knows that and it’s like everyone want me to be back already, i’m trying, but right now i’m trying to keep myself focus, i’m trying to figure things out on where i’m supposed to go, my minds is constantly all over the place and i’m trying to keep it in a state that is manageable to where i’m able to control it, all it really is, is me trying to have some kind of balance once again.

I know i’m a certain way and i’m trying to not only work with it, but also change it to a different way to what i’m use to if any of that makes sense!? When it comes to the way I am, I can’t really explain it to you, I just do things and work a different way than most people do and that’s for a reason, but that shouldn’t be an excuse, not that i’m trying to make like it is, i’m just saying that…….because of the way I am, i’m trying to fix the way I process and do things and it’s not easy, but i’m trying………….I know I need to get out more and push myself to doing things that I normally wouldn’t………

It’s a lot of pressure not just from around me, but also from within myself, i’m very hard on myself when it comes to a whole lot of things and one of the main things is coming out of my comfort zone, i’m so use to it, but I know that everyone has that issue so that’s not an excuse…………I know that everyone is worrying about me and I know that they’re not happy, but what am I suppose to do, i’m doing the best that I can and I really am trying……….

I will say though……….I do need to work on enjoying things more, it’s not like i’m not, it’s just taking me a bit longer than I expected to really enjoy it properly, but i’m going to continue to work on that and have a bit more fun more, even though i’m trying to stay focus on where i’m going in my life, I know that’s one of the things i’m lacking and i’ll work on it more.

I do hope that i’m getting somewhere though and that i’m doing alright in my life, that’s one of my main thoughts all the time, that and wanting things to be better, with the little bit of hope i’m trying to keep near me always……………….I hope it does.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Action……

So I tried to write a poem on the word action and I couldn’t really think of anything so I ended up writing a different one. Action……….I don’t know what exactly it is about the word, but for some reason I can’t help, but feel a little nervous with it and I know that sounds silly, because who would be nervous just seeing the word action, it’s just a word right!?

Yes and no, it’s a bit of both really, most people wouldn’t mind the word overall, it’s a form of productivity, you know getting things done and everything, so why can it make us feel nervous or scared!? Why does it tend to make us freeze or frantic about sometimes!? If I had the answer i’d tell you, believe me I would, but i’m not really sure about it myself……….

I guess when it comes to it the whole phrase “Actions speaks louder than words” it can leave you feeling this pressure which can cause you to want to either go into frantic mode or panic mode. This may sound very silly, but as i’m writing this i’m actually feeling a little anxious, makes no sense I know, but that’s an example of when I say it can it can leave you feeling pressured.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re up and moving with it or not, we’ll always have some kind of pressure added with it and that’s because we naturally put pressure on ourselves. Some of us put too much pressure and some of us find a way to add the right amount of pressure that’s needed, how I have no idea, I guess it’s just because some of us are better at handling pressure.

I’m not really the best under pressure though, I always tend to beat myself up when it comes to things in general, so when i’m already doing that and there’s more pressure added to that, it just makes things worst and believe me sometimes I wish I wasn’t so bad under pressure, but because I know that I am, i’m trying to keep myself calm and not get so worked up easily.

I also know that when it comes to action, I panic before the whole action part and I don’t understand why that always happens with me, but it does, I have ideas and sometimes it’ll take a while for me to actually go through with them………..it’s just a lot of things I guess I don’t know………….i’m not really sure where it started, where I started being afraid of taking action!?

It’s weird because, i’ve been going back into my mind, thinking about the times where action wasn’t a problem, i’m trying to figure out when exactly it happened to where I started going more and more into myself, wanting to understand why I have so much trouble with going fourth with certain things and why i’m always thinking about things too much!?

Why is action always a brick wall in my mind!? I don’t really know why and I don’t think I should ask why, the action part of me I know has to come out eventually and the part that likes to sit and do a deep analyze on whether I should or not, needs to come up with something, patience with a little assertiveness added, might just be the trick to keep the pressure balanced.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~