Now Playing: Symptoms By Ashley Tisdale (Album Review)

May 14 2020 around 6:40pm close to 7pm

Before we get to this review I just wanted to quickly brief some things the reason I didn’t post this right after I finished my review is because I felt it was a little long with both updates I have going on right now,

I wrote the intro two days ago, but I didn’t hear the album until yesterday, the intro explains why, my mood has kinda been a weird one lately, but I did go and re listen to Symptoms and wrote all my thoughts about it after the second listen of it, I just wanted to shorten the length of this post and not have two things going on, hopefully it’s still not too long with this little update disclaimer, before we move on I just want to say that not a lots changed with my thoughts about it, only one thing, but it’s good so don’t worry…..not that you are i’m sure…..anyway let’s get to it shall we!?

May 12 2020 around 4pm in the afternoon

Okay so i’m about to re listen to Symptoms and re share my thoughts about it since my first listen of it, which was only a week ago actually, which is odd because it feels a lot longer than a week, I don’t know why!? Now i’ll be a little honest…….i’ve kinda sorta, have been putting it off, not because I don’t like it, but because I just haven’t been in the mode to sit and re hear it!!

The days I planned on re looking at it, I just wasn’t feeling it, so I would keep adding it towards a later date pushing it further and further back, but today we’re just going to do it, normally when listening to an album that i’ve gotten into or ones that I have on my listen to list that I feel I want to share and talk about, I like to record my reaction to it first and then give it at least a day to sink in before I write my thoughts on it as a post, it’s WAAAAY past a day as you already know……sorry about that…..but we are going to listen to it though and see if any of my thoughts went and changed within a week of the first listen of it, i’m excited to re hear it and get a refresher on it

Hopefully I still like the whole album, i’m sure I will, but opinions change so we’ll see!!

First song on the list…..which is the title of this album Symptoms:

Alright so here’s what I got on this song…..I felt it had a very nice chillness to it, I was feeling some emotions while listening a little, but that could’ve been some random ones trying to come up for all I know, but yeah,

There’s not too much to say on this one, the lyrics are good and so is the song….also remember when I said something changed a little from my first review of this album!? Yeah well this is what changed, when I first heard this song, I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, I knew I liked the song, but I didn’t know what to think of it at first, now i’m here to say that, it kinda feels like it could be a favorite…….probably need to hear it a third time,

before adding it to the definite list, that being said, i’ve also kinda set it out to be a favorite soooo……let’s just say……it is….but not definitely, definitely just yet, yeah!? okay glad we’ve discussed it!!

Next we have the runner up track of the album……Looking Glass

Have I set that up alright, did it make sense!? Hopefully it didn’t sound too cheesy, I know it might be a hit or miss there……i’ll take my chances….moving on though, okay so this song……..I love the grooviness of it and the lyrics are probably one of my favorites on this album, you just, you feel it……if I could describe it, i’d say it’s like a dance track, but it’s a very interesting song as well…..actually now that i’m thinking about it,

It sorta reminds me of another Ashley Tisdale song from her album Headstrong called Not Like That (which is one of my favorites off that album) because of the lyrics mainly, not comparing or anything, both songs are different of course, if you heard not like that and this song than you might hear it, but you might not as well, either way I really like this song,

my only thing with is…….I would’ve liked the beat to play by itself without some of the lyrics from the chorus finishing it off, only because I really like hearing the best, but that’s just a minor thing, when I heard it again, it really wasn’t that bad, so either way of it ending is fine, overall though the song is great, is it a favorite!? Kinda…..it’s the same as the first song, where it’s a favorite, but it’s not exactly on the favorite list, but also is…..

Let’s just say both Looking Glass and Symptoms are on the list…..they’re just written in pencil, but will soon be inked in the more I listen to them!!

In third place….no i’m kidding, the third track on this album is……Love Me and Let Me Go

Okay so this is probably one of what I would consider to be an interesting song to talk about, looking at the title you might think of it to be a specific thing, however when you hear it, you might find that it’s completely different to what you might’ve thought it to be……when I first heard this song, I felt it was a song written for herself as past tense or more like a letter to herself, but not at the same time, it’s hard to explain, but if you hear it, it might make sense, the second time hearing it though……

There was a song that actually came to mind when she was singing the lines “i’ve been chained up to my mind” and “tryna to leave it all behind” both from the first verse, however they have different lines to them, now at first I couldn’t quite put my finger on the song that it reminded me of, but after giving it a quick listen to it again…..I now know what it is…..it was a Matt Cardle song called When We Collide if you don’t know him he’s a great artist, he was actually on the X Factor (UK Version) great voice this one, but yeah this songs great, it’s actually one of my favorites,

but yes, Love Me and Let Me Go reminded me of that song, just with the way it was sung, he kinda does the same thing in the first verse of this song too and I just found it interesting that it reminded me of that, but back to the song we’re discussing off the Symptoms album it’s a great song, chorus is nice, the meaning with it is also pretty great, speaking of, I didn’t know what this song was actually about, I felt it was sung more towards herself, but when looking up the lyrics to get the lines to what I was talking about, I learned that,

I was correct in a way, it’s not a song towards herself per say, but to her Anxiety, which makes a whole lot of sense looking at it now and I gotta say I might just love it more, but even if I didn’t just find that out, I would’ve still said it was great and that I love it!!

On to one of my definite favorites on this album: Insomnia

Now I must note that when I realized this song was next when re listening to Symptoms, a smile came across my face, I LOVE THIS SONG!!!……LIKE LOVE IT!! it’s just soooo good this one, I mean if I had to describe it which I did when jotting down notes while listening to it……it’s quite subtle for one, definitely intimate, but not in the way where it’s too much, it’s the right kind okay!! There’s some temptation to it, but it’s not a bad temptation,

What I mean by that is, both the beat (music) and lyrics of the song just combined so well together, the beat does a great job at pulling you in and the lyrics just complement it sooo nicely, you know you’re getting a really nice meal with it, it’s great, I could try and explain it more, but i’m just going to tell you to listen to it, because it’s really great, after re hearing it,

I played it back about three times maybe before moving on the the next song that’s how much of a favorite of mine it is……..just…..beautiful!!

Moving on…..to track 5……Vibrations!!

Okay now just because the into of it is shorter than the others doesn’t mean that I didn’t like the song…….the same way I felt about it the first time, is the same way I feel about it now……it’s a pretty alright song, not a lot to say with it…..it’s one of those chill tracks, laying low and just enjoying the company of someone or maybe just your own company, which ever you prefer, but you can’t go wrong with a fun time and that’s what this song brings, I feel this might be a kind of soft spot kind of song, where it’s not a favorite per say, but I still can appreciate it for what it is and enjoy it at the same time!!

Track 6…….Under Pressure

Which happens to have some shorter thoughts to the one prior, which is just I love it!!…….seriously that’s all, it’s one of those relatable songs, that you feel once you hear the lyrics, the title really does say it all, but it’s a great song, but I really love about it though is, although the lyrics express on feeling under pressure, no pun intended……it also turns it around and makes it into a positive which is good……..so yeah, it’s good song!!

We’ve now reached track 7 or as I like to call it number SEVEEEEEEEN!! (if you watched my Jonas Brothers album review, you’ll get it!!) track 7…..True Romance

There’s a reason I say it like that, lately and don’t know why, but number 7 seems to be the number that just gets my emotions running because in my Jonas Brothers album review of Happiness Begins, number 7 was a favorite and had my emotions going a little and in this album review of Symptoms, number 7 happened to also get my emotions running and so i’m just accepting that it’s going to be like that with these kind of songs,

I’m not even going to express my thoughts on this one because it’s the same reaction I had when I first reviewed it, I still love it, the lyrics still get me and it’s still a favorite of mine and that’s a definite on that one!!!

Track 8……Voices In My Head

Now i’m sure most or if not some of you will remember that I gave my thoughts one this song around the time it was out for, if you haven’t you can find it here: Voices In My Head (Thoughts) because I heard this song, I wasn’t going in not knowing what to expect from it, like the other songs off the album when I first heard them, so re hearing it my reaction for it never changed, I actually love this song, it’s one of my favorite, I still listen to it from time to time and if I don’t……i’m most likely singing it to myself because it decided to get stuck in my head randomly on a certain day so yeah, but it’s great song, also very relatable and super catchy might I add!!

We’ve come to the last track of the album, track 9…..Feeling So Good!!

I actually don’t have that much to say about it…..when I first heard it I believe I had the same reaction, it a nice fun song, about feeling good and just enjoying yourself really……I did say that this could’ve been on the Happiness Begins album, because I could definitely see Joe, Nick and Kevin singing this song as well, maybe with Ashley, have them featured on it, you know…..just saying…….no, but seriously (hint, hint. wink. wink.)

Good song this one is, I feel like I heard some people in the background at the end of the song…..specifically Vanessa!? HSM cast cameo within the song!? others possibly, most likely…..who knows right!? Okay i’ll stop now, sometimes I just can’t help myself……

Final Thoughts:

Everything I said in my first reaction of it, I also said that I wish this album had more songs, because 9 wasn’t enough….still slightly feel that way with it, because I want to hear more Ashley Tisdale songs, but now i’m okay with what we got with the Symptoms album, there wasn’t one song that I didn’t like, which is good because that’s what I wanted originally and i’m glad that didn’t change in this second review of it!!

I really did enjoy re listening to it, Symptoms is a really great album, I love it and i’m looking forward to hearing more of Ashley Tisdale when we do, she really is a favorite of mine to both watch and listen to!!

That’s all for this album review, thank you for taking the time to read it if you did and I hope you truly enjoyed it, if you want to see my first reaction of when I first listened to it, you can find it here: Now Playing: Symptoms By Ashley Tisdale (Album Review) – First Reaction Review hope you all are doing well, staying safe and your days are going okay!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Let’s Chat: How Are You!?

I’m finding myself going back and forth through two posts that i’ve pre written, but still yet to post, it’s like I don’t really know what to keep my focus on other than Animal Crossing New Horizons, which by the way (side tracking here for a brief moment) is a REALLY, amazing game!!

Well it’s pretty great anyway, the amazing part might just be me hyping it up just a little bit…..but New Horizons aside……I don’t know what or where to keep my mind on……I don’t know if any of you are having that kind of day as well or have been having those kind of days!?

Speaking of how are you all doing!? How have you been dealing and getting through all that’s been happening!? I know a lot of people are probably finding it a somewhat difficult or maybe a whole lot difficult, maybe some of you are taking it somewhat okay than most people might…..

I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things, I don’t know how a lot of you are getting through this, but hopefully you’re all doing alright and are keeping safe and well, I know it’s not been the most best of days of late, but hopefully you’ve all had something to look forward to, maybe it’s a new video game, book, music, organizing something!? You’d be surprise on what can be a big help to kick up a low kind of mood!!

This isn’t a long post as you can see…..i’m just curious and genuinely want to know how you guys have been getting through all of this and if there’s anything right now that has been not only keeping you busy, occupied and productive, but also just giving you something to look forward to and keeping your minds to not have you think about what’s going on 24/7!?

All The Love

Lexa

Has Communication Really Become So Hard These Days!?

I tell you some people sure know how to communicate……I say that sarcastically by that way, in case that was missed!! Now i’m going to try and keep things on a positive outlook to this topic, because it just seems really easy to go on a negative rant here and i’m not going to lie to you guys, buuut, it’s kinda what i’m feeling here, however i’m going to do my best to keep it the rant from overpowering here…..Let’s just talk calmly about this!!

Before anything though……..i’m going to take a small break so I can eat, i’m kinda hungry so…..be right back (Lunch Break……) Back….sorry that took a while, you know I forgot just how good goldfish snacks are, if you’re not careful you’ll end up eating the whole bag, I had to put it away from me that’s how addictive they are, still good though!!

Anyway on to the topic of communications……now we all know that communications is a way of expression, when we communicate we tell about the things that we feel as well as what we care about, but it seems these days communication is a little hard to reach at time, scratch that it’s not the communication that’s hard, but the listening that seems to be the issue at times, why is that!? When did listening become so hard to do!?

Now let’s get this straight alright, sometimes we aren’t all great listeners and when we know we should be, we still sometimes have a hard time taking things in the way we should……it’s a weird thing, but even when listening and communicating is a hard thing, sometimes we need to know when to really listen, if there’s something that needs expressing we have to learn how to shut our mouths and open our ears, that’s how we show our support and love to people and if happens that someone we may just be encountering for the first time needs to express something,

That’s how we show care and compassion as human beings, sometimes we all have a little too much we’re trying to handle, some of those things being mentally or emotionally and so forth and because we do, we just need a little support, we may not ask about it, but sometimes you can just feel it or see even, we don’t always have to show support in a huge way, sometimes a simple ear to lend can be that big support that someone needs,

Having a chat can even be a big thing for some, I don’t think we look at listening and communicating as an important thing these days, some people would rather sit silently, not saying that’s a bad thing, because it’s not, it’s just sometimes silence can seem like an enemy and can be a little loud for our psyche to deal with especially when thoughts start being added the mix.

So just because silents can be a good thing for us, doesn’t mean we always want to sit with it for a long period of time…..sometimes we need distracts that help get us out of our heads and a good distraction is communicating in what ways!? Well that depends on what’s needed,

Sometimes it’s talking about what we’re feeling, other ways it’s talking randomly and seeing how weird the conversation can get, but the take away to those conversations is also listening, opening our ears and turning up the volume a little so we’re hearing everyone word possible,

That’s how we understand each other better and sometimes by doing that we help someone feel a little better and vice versa!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Why Does Everything Have To Be So Negative!?

Good day to you all, I hope you’ve all been doing well and are having a good, productive, occupied, nice kind of day with whatever you’re doing!! Let’s talk about some stuff yeah!? I feel like it’s been a while since i’ve written anything on a serious topic so let’s see what comes out with this one, that i’ve just gotten in the mood to talk about.

Before we get to writing, I just want to say that I hope you all are staying safe and well and that things are going okay with you, I know with everything going on it’s not really been the best of days lately……speaking on that topic actually, you’d think that things would be a little upbeat or at least attempt to be upbeat anyway, but it just seems as though things keep lowering on the energy level, by that I mean, negative feelings!!

I mean you do your best to keep things afloat and try and keep the energy up, but for some reason it’s like the negative over powers what could be positive!! I’m fully aware and understand the events of what’s going on in the world, I know it’s a serious manner, but that doesn’t mean we should allow the negative effects of it, to be our only focus, that being said now,

In this time it’s important to be of support to each other, be it who we’re around or even just talking via social media and that, we shouldn’t keep ourselves down and we shouldn’t let others feel down either, with what’s going on it’s important to take this time to not only give focus to the things that need our attention, but also do our best to be there for one another,

We all are feeling in different ways, some of us have learned to stay calm, some are struggling with this social distancing a little more than others and some have learned to use this time both a little and quite productively, there’s different ways we’re coping with everything going on, some of us may not know how to handle this whole thing, but that’s why we’re here.

We don’t always need to have things to say, but giving a little support towards each other does wonders believe it or not, we don’t have to keep our focus on the negatives so much, sure it’s a little difficult to do, but there’s ways to turn it around, we just have to allow ourselves to do so.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

White Spotted Ladybug (Bird)

Good morning everyone, hope everyone’s day is going alright and you’re all keeping safe and doing your best to stay healthy too, so I thought i’d talk about something, I wanted to share a dream I had last night, now I had a lot of different dreams during the night, but there’s a particular part of my dream that I wanted to discuss a bit, you may probably already know what that thing is based off the title of this post, i’ve been trying to figure out what exactly this dream means, but i’ve not been able to really figure it out.

Let’s just start with what I actually remember to this part of the dream, so in the dream, I remember walking up to something, it looked like an entry way to what could’ve been leading towards some kind of trail in the woods of some sort who knows, but there was an open gate to where I was in the dream, now I remember about to walk through the gate, where I could see a lot of leaves, probably coming off trees, but something had caught my eye to the right of me, upon looking at it a little closer I saw that it was a ladybug

Now as we all know, most ladybugs or birds as that’s their proper name, all have black spots on their back, not all ladybirds, but most of them do or at least are known to have them, but what was interesting was when I looked at them, instead of seeing black spots, I saw white spots upon the back of the ladybug and these spots were placed in a circle, which was a little weird to me, I then looked around a bit and saw another ladybug with the same white spots only that ladybug from what I can remember it’s spots were a little spread out like most ladybugs at least it seemed like it was,

So as you can see I made a little example to help you get an idea to what I was talking about, it’s simple and there’s not a lot to it I know, but the main things that I felt should be in it I kept, I did try to detail it out for you guys, but it wasn’t quite coming out the way I had in mind, but the main focus here is the ladybug with white spots, I also added the fence to showcase the entry way that was with my dream……..Imagine the white spots in a circle.

I did see a small black dot on this one, but it was very small, it was very weird, i’d never seen that before, I thought looking it up would help to get a better understanding on the meaning, but I could really find anything, just the normal meaning to what a ladybug means in a dream……but yeah I just wanted to share that, if any of you have an idea to what it could mean, do share, maybe some of you could help me to understand it in some way.

But that’s all I have to that, hope everyone’s well and doing okay, you all stay safe and be careful if some of you are out an about and if you’re home try and stay calm, I know this is a stressful time for some or most even, but things will be alright in time, take this time to rest if you need to, maybe do things that you haven’t been able to get to in this time, but most importantly just stay calm and keep your head up and know that it’s going to be alright!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

I Swore Myself I’d Leave Myself Alone……

For those wondering, this line is from one of my favorite songs by one of my all time favorite artists, i’ve talked about her before, Alexz Johnson, not sure if that rings a bell, but…..the last time I talked about her, was when I was talking about her latest song called Weight, it’s been a while since I actually listened to that song, now she’s got new ones, plus a new album, that I still haven’t heard…..there’s a lot of songs from the artists I listen to that I need to check out, I always think of listening to them, but I never really get around to it, I might have to pick a day to just sit and have a listen to them.

But enough about music talk, that’s not actually where it was going….I just thought i’d have a chat about things if that’s alright…..if you do want to talk about music do let me know and i’ll make sure to write a separate post focusing on that……if you’re curious to check out the post that I mentioned you can find it here: Now Playing….Weight By Alexz Johnson

Anyway let’s have a chat shall we!?…..okay so i’m going to be honest i’m not really sure what i’m planning on talking about, I just know that i’d like to chat a bit, now normally i’d express the things i’m wanting to express, but maybe we should do it a little differently, how about we talk on the line of Alexz’s song careless and it’s meaning, now when you look at it, you’d say it’s pretty self explanatory right!? Yeah well i’d say so too, anytime I hear this song and this line comes up in the song, I always feel it and it’s because it’s a relatable line, most of us don’t know how to leave ourselves alone or better yet ease up on ourselves, we’re always so harsh for some reason.

I mean i’m sure that reason is to make sure we’re our best self, which is great, but we always tend to be the most harsh when we know we’re already feeling a certain way, it’s like even when we know we should shape up and get over our feelings, we’re still harsh about it, saying things like “you’re always doing that” “why can’t you just stop thinking so hard” and so on and it always feels like there’s two versions of ourselves the being that we are, but also this other person whose meant to be there to keep us moving or at least does they’re best to keep us on our feet……

Now we all know the saying on “tough love” and for some it works, but others not always, I mean why do we always think being judgmental and scolding ourselves is the best thing to do!? Why can’t we instead be a little patient with ourselves!? If there’s a moment where we’re feeling agitated, emotional and other non great feelings, why can’t we support ourselves for a moment and just allow ourselves to feel!?

This might sound confusing and may not make much sense……but what I mean is, we shouldn’t go screaming at ourselves because we’re feeling a certain way and we shouldn’t go judging ourselves either, getting more upset with ourselves especially when we’re already upset, doesn’t really fix things does it!? If anything it only makes us more upset,

because there’s more pressure being added, now sure pressure is apart of life, but do we really need to give ourselves more pressure!? We have to be better at being patient with ourselves and not be so harsh with the things we do, especially with how we handle our emotions and thoughts, because those are the big things that really can get to us, if we let it…….

I think instead of going for the attack, the best way to handle those moments, is to just be more aware and do our best to make sure we don’t overload and if we know we need a moment to release thoughts, emotions and so fourth, we just gotta let ourselves have that moment, but we also shouldn’t allow ourselves to get wrapped in it for too long,

Just take it as going for a walk or hiking of some sort, take that moment, but don’t allow it to overtake you when you need it and also just patience……we may need to take this line of Alexz’s song as a reminder for the times we go to be harsh to ourselves, but stop because we’re having to remember to be aware not to, maybe if we do that, we’d see a bit of a difference.

But that’s all I have, now before we close this off, I just wanted to share that, there’s a new video on my channel if you’re interested, I uploaded it Wednesday, since we’re getting close to midnight here, i’m just having a bit of a chat, but if you want to check that out, you can find it here: 7pm With A Different View but anyway I should probably head to sleep now, seeing as it’s now midnight, I hope you all are well and you guys have a good night.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Never Mind……

I messaged yesterday after not replying for a few days, in that message I asked if we could speak sometime soon, it took me a while to actually ask that question, every time I went to write back to you that was one of the main questions I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve, I did in the end and also explained how I understood everything that you wrote back to me……after I sent my message back, I went over in my head on whether sending you that message was good or not, i’m not sure if you read my message back or if it was left discarded, thinking back on it now,

Maybe I should’ve just left it……maybe I shouldn’t have continued on knowing I already knew what you were trying to do, I can’t help, but leave things alone I guess, I was just hoping we could speak you know!? But maybe that was a stupid idea……I haven’t checked to see if you did see it, normally I would, but I just left it this time…..I saw a post on where you asked what’s the actual point, I didn’t know what you mean’t,

I thought maybe it was about all of this, but last time I thought something, it wasn’t actually confirmed…..you know sometimes I wish I could just let things be and not bother so much about it…..I just always have the need to keep on pushing, you’d think persistence would be a good thing, but I guess it’s not always, sometimes it’s better to let things be, kinda like the Beatles song, I know you don’t like old songs much, but you know I always have to make a comparison to some kind of song, I can’t help it…..

My mind is asking me why i’m even writing this, I don’t know, I guess a part of me thinks that you’ll see this way better than you would if I just messaged you, I feel this is the only way i’m able to actually speak to you in way, even though I know there isn’t much talking be heard back.

I need to leave it alone don’t I!? I should leave it alone, all this does is make me seem and sound pretty needy, plus desperate if i’m being honest, cause who doesn’t love that right!? I just miss you, whether that’s I should or not isn’t a question, because I do, even though we haven’t spoken for over a week and counting, you’d think that I wouldn’t be bothered as much and i’d just be used to it by now, but….i’m not, because every time it gets close to the time we’d normally speak, I still have that hope that we will,

but then the time goes and we haven’t….I shouldn’t expect it, but I do and I know I need to let it be, you already explained you’re reasoning twice and here I am, focused on wanting us to speak, but that’s not what’s important, focusing is and keeping focused as well on where you’re wanting to go……why can’t I just leave this alone!?

You say things won’t change because they haven’t and never will, but I still think they can, maybe that’s stupid, but so be it, I still have hope with it, maybe I should just throw away the hope, but I can’t, because I still believe in us, maybe that’s wrong, but my heart doesn’t want to let it go…….

I want to say never mind on the message, that’s what I originally planned on writing out, but at the same time I don’t, because I want to talk to you and I can go and forget it, but it’s not that easy, however i’m not going to force it, if you want to talk and I mean properly talk, I have to let you do so when you want to, if you ever want to…..again this is probably stupid to even write all of this, because I know you’re focusing and not wanting to be distracted dealing with drama and everything in between.

What am I doing!? look whether you see this or not, just never mind all of this writing…..i’m just writing out of missing you and just wanting to hear from you, this is stupid……I just hope you’re well and doing alright, I proud of you by the way, always am and really happy for you, I saw the photo earlier you posted, i’m sure you’re doing a very great job with the team….

I hope they’re having a good time learning from you……i’m going to stop writing now, despite all I said in this, I really do hope you’re doing well, I still will want to always hear from you, that’ll never change, but if I don’t i’ll try and continue on dealing in the best way, none of this is to make you look bad or anything like that by the way, I don’t know if that’s what you think or not, but i’m just writing this because it’s the only way I know how to cope with not talking to you like I normally would, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but just know i’m always going to secretly want you to…..

Anyway, I love you always and miss you always too!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

From Me To You…..I Hope You Read This….

I’m writing a message right now to you, but i’m not sure whether to send it or not, i’m afraid if I send it, you’re going to ignore it and not bother looking at it and i’ll just feel like i’m talking to myself…….

I know you’re not really wanting to speak and you’re figuring everything out, although I feel you might’ve already figured what you wanted to out. I see and hear your messages loud and clear believe it or not, if only you knew how hard I try to keep myself together everyday, it’s a challenge, I don’t always win at it, but I manage to keep it at a fine level for a good amount of time……it sucks that it’s this way and I just wanted to let you know that the last message I sent wasn’t to be taken in a way that was final,

I was just giving you the space you wanted and I don’t know if that was a good thing or if it was the worst idea possible, I know you’re doing fine, I can see it. I feel like the worst person ever and that’s the honest truth, I wasn’t trying to push you away, even though you said many times that the situation would do that and although you say it’s not me, I feel like you sorta might think it is a little, I don’t know……..

I know i’ve not given back what you gave me enough and I know you’re probably hurt about it, because it’s pretty much the same situation again that you wanted to avoid…….I tried to have you avoid that, but I guess I failed at doing so, I shouldn’t, but I take great pride at blaming myself for all of this happening and I don’t expect, nor do I want you to feel bad, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel and how I have been feeling for a long time,

I wanted to talk to you about it, but I never could say that to you, because you will always just tell me that it’s not my fault and that you know I wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t change the fact that in a way, I will always feel as though you’ll think of it as it happened again and that’s why you went away from me……I can’t help, but apologize for it, I don’t know where we’re standing right now, but I feel as though I might already know.

I always saw you as my best friend as well, but I don’t even know if you still want to be that, I feel you’re mad at me and I hate it when you’re mad at me, sometimes i’m mad at you, there’s times where I was mad at you, but didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. I know the situation is the reason for all this as well as other things, I tried very hard to fix that…..

No one listens as you know, this here isn’t about me, it’s about you and what you’re feeling, I hate not knowing how you’re feeling, i’ve asked before, but I get you don’t like repeating yourself and you shouldn’t have to, but I learned keeping things in is the worst thing you can do, but I guess maybe you felt as though telling me things didn’t matter. Like your feelings didn’t matter, which they always did to me……I don’t know if you resent me, it feels like you do, believe it or not I can feel your anger and disappoint and i’m sorry, you were the last person I ever wanted to do that to.

You know the last thing I wanted was to ever hurt you, but yet that’s what I did, i’m still trying to find a way to fix it somehow even though I know you’re most likely done, I guess sometimes you just stop caring. I wish I could that….but I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t…..maybe that’s why people walk all over me, because I care too goddamn much, but i’d be lying if I said I’d stop caring. Even when people don’t want to be bothered,

I still care, most of the time I can just forget and move on, but I can’t in this case, I can’t just forget and act unbothered, because I am bothered, I can forget it for a moment, but then it rushes back like a hurricane to the point where I can’t handle it, but I do my darn best. I hate this feeling and I can’t shake it no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re doing it well, I don’t feel like a thought anymore and I guess you can say everyone was right, right!?

I’m suppose to prove everyone wrong and I don’t really know how to do that, which gives everyone the satisfaction to say I told you so, just like you said, again I don’t expect you to feel bad, not that you would for a second. I know you kept giving me options and I kept telling you not to, because I had a feeling that if you did, you would leave and I wouldn’t speak to you anymore. We’d always said we’d speak, but I guess for a long time we just ran out of words to say, you’re all about action and i’m just words and I guess everyone knows that……every conversation we had with that, plays in my head, not all at once, but in different sections, I don’t know how to action things properly, i’ve been doing my best to work at it though.

I wish I could just send this to you without having to post it, but I can’t, how else will you see this!? If you want to hate me, you can, I was suppose to keep you safe and keep you reassured, but I failed to do that, I wanted to and still do, but I can’t until I figure myself out huh!? I’m never going to wish you harm or worse things, I care too much about you to ever do that and I love you too much to do that, plus you don’t deserve it.

Major loss that’s what you said, I had a feeling you’d go, I just didn’t think you’d go completely, but what was I to expect when you said “it’s going to push me away” I really made a mess didn’t I!? I was supposed to better for you, but I don’t think I ever was, only when I was around maybe, but I wasn’t really the best supporter was I!? I was supposed to keep you out of your head, but instead I had you go back into it, maybe not on purpose,

but I did, I think about you and your health a lot and I get sad, because I don’t know how you’re doing and i’m always afraid that it’ll happen again, but this time it’ll be my fault because of the situation and I hate that I feel like that, but it’s the truth, you may not think I care, but you’d be wrong to think that. I don’t know how else to talk to you, but I don’t know if you even want to talk to me anymore, it seems like you’re better off without me from the looks of it, but I don’t know if that’s true. I used to know you so well and I still feel like I do, but at the same time I don’t, I want to talk to you so bad, but I don’t know if we’ll still have words to say to each other…..

I guess you were right when you said it’ll hurt the other person more than you, if that’s not accurate I don’t know what is. I always want you to be happy and well, you’re always in my mind when I think of that, whether you still want me in your life in someway or you would rather just pretend I never existed, I still want you to be happy, I always hope it would be with me, but if you’ve taken things as final and you’re happy not talking or everything anymore, just know i’m still going to want the best for you,

because whether you believe me or not, you deserve that and I know you know that, i’m proud of you everyday and am really happy for you, for everything, i’m happy you finally found a career your going to enjoy for the rest of your life, i’m happy for how far you came and for starting your all girls team that you wanted to create……all I wanted was to make you happy, but if i’m unable to do that, I want you to let someone else do that for you.

I don’t like thinking like that, but I wanted to say that, i’m not giving up, because I don’t want to, I just don’t know how long you’ll want to wait, but I think you might be done with waiting and I get it, you have everything set and I still am stressfully trying to figure it out, I sometimes wish I would’ve figured it out a long time ago because then I wouldn’t be worrying about everything so much now…….

And before you say it or think it, I know you tried helping, don’t ever think I forget that and that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but like you said there was only so much you could do and if you don’t help yourself no one else will and i’m trying to that. I don’t know if I have anything else to say, but I hope you talk to me and I hope you still want me around,

I’m not going to beg you because begging and chasing isn’t the best thing to do, but I am trying to fight here in someway whether you see it that way or not, I hope you do see it because i’ve never in my life have done this before and i’m scared and if i’m being honest I have no idea what i’m doing and I just feel I keep doing everything wrong.

If you want to talk, you know I have nothing better to do at the moment and i’m just gonna say it like that because it’s true, I know you’re busy and your focusing, i’m not trying to take you away from that whatsoever, but whenever you have the time, I hope you call or message back, i’d like to hear your voice, I miss it and I miss you, but if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine, I just hope you do talk to me at least.

I’m going to stop writing, because this is starting to become very long, but I do hope you’re okay and that you’re doing well, you stay safe and be careful and I hope you’re taking proper care of yourself, seriously!! I love you with all of my heart that’ll never stop ever, no matter how hard I try at it.

P.S. Sorry for this very long post, for those reading this, I needed to get it out.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Now Playing: Whatever Love Means By Lux Lisbon (Aug 5, 2019)

Here I have a song that I haven’t heard for a good while, i’ve just recently started listening to it again, i’ve listened to it today actually, it’s still as good as I remember…..the song that i’m talking about is called Whatever Love Means and it’s performed by a UK band by the name of Lux Lisbon.

Now i’ve been a fan of theirs as well as their music for quite some time, although it’s been a good while since i’ve last checked them out and heard any of their new material, which I probably should look into, I mean it’s been a long time since i’ve kept up to date with them…….

They’re a really good band these guys, they’re not really well known not globally anyway, i’m sure they’re well known in their hometown and that, but even though they aren’t that big, they still are very talented!!

They have a whole lot of great songs, such as Demons You Show, Memento Mori, Bullingdon Club and so many others…..Whatever Love Means has got to be one of my all time favorites from them (along with Demons You Show and Memento Mori) I really admire the way they write their songs, it’s like nothing i’ve ever heard before……

I know that i’m always talking about writing styles, especially when it comes to music (it’s my favorite to talk about) it’s just amazing when you’re listening to a song and you get to listen and hear the way it’s come along and analyze the different writing ways of an artist.

With Lux Lisbon the way they write their music is definitely worth admiring, I can’t quite describe their writing style, each song that they give us is different to the last, it’s amazing really!!

Whatever Love Means, is one of those songs that talks upon the topic of relationships and giving it a chance, even though you’re not sure of the way it could go, you’ll also hear in the song Stu (lead vocalist of the band)

Sing about trying to hold in the feelings of when you know you’re feeling something stronger when it comes to liking someone, but not being able to express those feeling due to the words unable to find themselves, so even though you know you’re feeling strong feelings, you would rather pretend it doesn’t mean anything then have to let your true feelings out, that’s my take on the song anyway, I could be completely off for all I know……

Although the lines to the lyrics “Come on words don’t fail me, cut off my tongue and hurt like hell” and the lines “Words are so cheap, they just cut so goddamn easily” makes me think it could be that,

However there’s also the lines “Take out your heart and see a hole in your soul where it used to be” that part of the song makes me think that it’s the opposite to what I think the song is about……

This song I know is on relationships, but the way it’s written can make you think of it in different ways, meaning wise……i’m actually getting the sense right now that the meaning to it could also be about actions speaking louder than words, if that’s the case the lines “Words are so cheap, they just cut so goddamn easily” makes much more sense, either way, the songs great,

I would definitely recommend giving it a listen, it’s a really good song and the bands pretty great too!! I think the best thing about Lux Lisbon is the way they bring their voices together, the female vocalist (which I had to go and find her name) Charlie is her name, I like her voice, i’d have her in the category of unique voices, it’s not overly strong, but it’s still great!!

The way Lux Lisbon’s vocals combine with one another is pretty amazing, it really does work well, getting to hear not just their music, but also just the way they work well vocally and they way they write their songs……it’s a treat, a very well done kind of treat. Here’s the song if you’re interested in checking them out: Whatever Love Means By Lux Lisbon.

I’ll have to check out their latest songs soon, i’m sure i’ve missed some, i’m interested to see, well hear, what they’re going to be like, i’ll get back to you and let you know my thoughts once i’ve found out……in the meantime,

I’ll leave some of their other songs that i’ve mentioned, in case you like this one and want to check out their other ones, if you have a different interpretation on what you think the song could be about, feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think of the song as well ^_^

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Lets Talk Mental Health: Eating Disorders And The Return Of Eugenia Cooney (Long Post)

Quick Note: I started this on the 20th of July, but had to do some more looking over and that, some of my original thoughts I kept in and some I added, I also removed some that I felt weren’t needed, I did my best on this topic so I hope it came out okay and I hope you enjoy the read.

Okay so this is a bit of a hard topic to discuss, i’m not sure how this post is going to turn out, but hopefully it comes out okay…….just a bit of a disclaimer warning, the topic that will be discussed in this post has to do with Eating Disorders so if this is a very sensitive topic for some of you out there and a bit triggering, I understand not wanting to read on, but if you’re comfortable and are okay reading upon this topic then by all means do so…..

When it comes to Mental Health a lot of people don’t really take it as seriously as it should or needs to be and it’s sad because, it’s important to treat it seriously, just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean there’s no effect and that it’s not still harmful……

There’s many different mental health disorders out there, although they’re different, they still share the same effect inside, however there are some that are much more dangerous than others, one of them being Eating Disorders…….i’ll be honest here, I don’t really know too much when it comes to eating disorders, but I have learned a bit about it,

By looking into it a little to get a better understanding and even getting some insights on what it’s like dealing with it and from the knowings of it and the effects it can have on you, lets just say it’s a real tough road walking down, especially when it comes to the recovery process of it.

Now i’m not sure how serious people take Eating Disorders, you would think it’d be one of the topics that is talked about a lot, but when you really think about it, we don’t really hear that much on it, which is a bit surprising because it’s something that should be payed more attention to.

Now I want to talk properly about this, because there’s a lot of things to eating disorders that not many are aware of, most people have a stereotype on it, which isn’t really fair because there are things with it that you won’t know unless you personally lived it, which a lot of us haven’t, but there are some that have or are living it right now and we don’t even know…..

What we may see it as, is completely different to what it actually is like, now my reasoning for wanting to talk upon this topic is for a few reasons, but also because of a video that I watched a few days ago, that was sent to me by my boyfriend who……well had a very similar experience with it…..

I won’t express too much on it though as it’s his story to tell, but he did say it was okay to talk about how he’s been though something similar to the story here……the video that i’ll be giving some insight on is about a Youtuber by the name of Eugenia Cooney, not sure how many of you exactly know of her, maybe you know her well or have just heard about her……a few days ago, Shane Dawson (another Youtuber) made a video on Eugenia,

I don’t know how familiar some of you are with Shane or if you even watch any of his videos, but he has a few series that he does, one of them is focused on helping people and sometimes even going back and revisiting pasts things that he hasn’t really been able to face before, it’s pretty good, i’ve watched a hand full of them……this specific video however, discusses Eugenia and her struggles with her Eating Disorder…….

I gotta say, this video has to be one of the most serious videos, Shane’s ever done and he’s made quite a lot…….I don’t know a whole lot about Eugenia Cooney, i’ve heard of her and have seen her before, but i’ve never actually watched any of her videos…..watching this video though, i’ll admit was really hard, it was also very emotional, I held my breath a lot watching it.

It’s kinda tough to describe this video, I feel it’s something you have to watch for yourself in order to really understand the situation and everything with it, but what I will say, is that you learn a lot from this while gaining insights to what it’s like for those who suffer from eating disorders, as well as learn on the different types of eating disorders and what kind of things happen with those types, if that makes sense!?

There’s a lot of mixed emotions in this video, although it’s very serious, there’s also some pretty nice light hearted and good moments within it as well, there was a few moments in the video that were a bit hard to watch, one of the moments was when they would show Eugenia’s videos….

Now I don’t know if it was a streaming kind of video that she did or a live chat event, but there was this girl and i’m not going to say what she said because you’ll see it in the video if you watch it, but…..

She started off with a very sweet and lovely comment to Eugenia letting her know how pretty she is which was really nice…..a few moments later however, she said something that…..probably shouldn’t have been said, it was that uncomfortable of a moment that I had to actually pause the video.

I mean i’m sure the girl didn’t intend for what she said to come out the way it did or anything, I mean you knew she was a fan of Eugenia and that she cared, she sounded like a very lovely girl, but I don’t think she understood by her saying what she did especially LIVE, the way she did……really set with Eugenia, like you could literally see the change of expression on her face and her eyes, it was one of the toughest moments to see in the video…..

Sometimes we don’t realize the things we say, as well as the way we say them, to us it may not be that bad…..however to others it’s a whole different story, especially when you see or know someone is going through something difficult that they may not be able to see or may not even know about……it’s important to really think about that kind of thing.

If you know or see someone isn’t well or they’re just getting well again, take a moment to really think about the things you’re saying before you find the words coming out of your mouth…….but i’m sure the girl didn’t mean harm with it, so no blame game here, sometimes we make mistakes, even if it’s the tiniest of ones, it happens, it’s just live and learn that’s all.

There were other moments that were a bit hard to watch, but a specific moment that I also wanted to talk about was not one that was hard to watch per say, but one that made me a bit nervous and that was when it came to Shane asking Eugenia questions on everything…..in the beginning of the video, there was this lady I can’t remember her name, but she was explaining to Shane the different questions you shouldn’t ask someone dealing with an eating disorder and the things you shouldn’t say to them…..

Watching the whole video, I was just nervous, thinking to myself “I hope the questions he’s asking are alright” luckily it all went well with the questions, even though the topic of it was hard as well.

I liked how comfortable Shane made Eugenia feel when he visited her and talked to her, it was real nice, i’m sure she was very nervous about doing this whole thing and talking about it as well, but it was good to see that there wasn’t any awkward moments with it.

There was a lot of moments that were very interesting to learn about within the video, if you want to check that out for yourself to get a better insight about Eating Disorders I linked it for you guys, it’s worth watching.

Watch the video here: The Return Of Eugenia Cooney

Continuing on the topic of Eating Disorders as a whole…..I can’t really say what exactly it’s like dealing with it, because i’ve never actually experienced it before, for people who have dealt with the disorder or are dealing with it now even, I know it’s not an easy topic to talk about it.

This is a real issue that shouldn’t be overlooked…….there are a lot of people who are secretly suffering with this and aren’t asking for help and that kind of thing is scary, because even though they aren’t directly asking for help, in way they are, only they’re going to say it…….

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s going on in these kind of situations and unless you’re very close to someone, you won’t really see it, you might get hints here and there, but it’s not going to be something you catch on to right away……learning a bit about it, i’ve learned that people who suffer with eating disorders are really good at hiding it, again you may think you’re able to catch on to it quickly, but that’s not always the case.

Something i’d like to point out is that, when we think of eating disorders, our brains naturally and automatically think females suffer from it and that’s because it always been seen as and I know this is probably the wrong way to quote it and I apologize in advance, but it’s always just been seen as a “Female thing only”

When in fact that is faaar from the truth…..on the stereotype side of town, it’s like that, if you only knew the half of it though….because if you did, you’d find out males suffer from it too, maybe even more, we wouldn’t know about that though because a lot of the males that do suffer with an eating disorder, don’t speak up about it and that’s because there’s already a perspective on it, which isn’t right……

When you think of other disorders such as anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder all those things, it’s not just seen as a one sided thing, any person, guy or girl can suffer from them, yet when it comes to eating disorders, it’s only looked at on the females perspective and maybe that has to do with the fact that more females speak up on it, however that doesn’t mean that it should be normalized as just females go through it because that’s not true.

Males that suffer with an eating disorder, don’t really get taken that seriously causing most of them to suffer in silence when they shouldn’t have to……I don’t want to say it’s an image thing, however it kinda is in a way, which is sad because it shouldn’t be like that, we shouldn’t have it where if a male is struggling with an eating disorder they shouldn’t come out about it…….not trying to go away from the topic, but I will for a second,

Only because it’s the same as if someone was being abused, majority of the time, people will only see it from a girls perspective when in fact guys also get abused……yet we don’t talk about that and sometimes that can be one of the main factors of an eating disorder starting because of the way they’ve been treated before, but my point to this though is just like girls,

Guys too can be affect by it, just because we don’t hear much about it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening……we aren’t the only ones that go through rough times, although guys are built to be strong and protect and all that, we need to understand that they too have feelings and they also go through these kind of issues. We shouldn’t be shutting them out and making them feel as though if they do suffer from any sort of disorder or other things in general that they shouldn’t be allowed to share it or speak up about it.

It’s important to not only treat these kind of things seriously, but also treat each individual the same way, especially when dealing and suffering with things like eating disorders and that, everyone should have a right to express they’re emotions and feelings as well as things they’re going through.

We should never make someone feel as though their feelings don’t matter or that the issues they’re dealing with aren’t as important as someone else’s……there’s a lot to learn with this topic, things that may be seen as simple, aren’t always and when it comes to things we think we know on this topic or even someone, there’s a high chance that we have no clue, what we say and how we say it does have an affect, even when we see it as harmless.

Final Thoughts: We don’t know what people are going through and with this kind of thing it’s really important that we take it seriously and try to help in the best way possible, even if we aren’t sure how…….

If you know or sense someone close to you or someone you think needs help is suffering help them, try and be there for them, talk to them and if you’re worried or you aren’t sure what to do, there are people that can help and there’s even numbers to call.

If someone out there is reading this and is suffering with an eating disorder or recovering from one (GUY OR GIRL) know that everything is going to be okay and that there are people that can help you get better, I know it won’t seem like it, but you aren’t alone and again if you’re a guy or a girl whose just starting to recover or have successfully recovered,

I’m proud of you and i’m sure those around you, are proud of you as well (although I don’t know many of you) still, I know it’s a hard road you’re walking or have had to walk before and I know that even though there maybe some of you who have fought through this, I know that the journey of it will never be over as it sticks with you for life, but even though that maybe so, you should be very proud of yourself, not only for how far you came from it,

but also because you went through it and are still going through it, but have stayed strong and continued on, I know it’s not the easiest thing and I know that for some of you, there might even be a time where you fall into a relapse with it, but just know if that does occur don’t feel ashamed about it and don’t think that you did wrong, because you didn’t, you’re not weak or anything like that, it’s just a rebuild and process thing, but it’ll all be alright.

If there are people out there who have had someone in their life relapse or know someone whose relapsed, don’t scold them about it…..reassure them and let them know that you’re there for them, support and love them through those times, because believe me they’re already beating themselves up about it, they don’t need scolding or any of that, all they need is love and support.

There’s still a whole lot more to eating disorders than i’m able to explain, this was just my observation and thoughts on it from what I learned, again i’m no expert and have no experienced with it, the only people that can really tell you what it’s like dealing with it and the situation with it as a whole are the ones that have or are going through it……

If you have any thoughts you want to share or add to any knowledge that you think I should know on the topic of eating disorders go ahead, if there’s something I said wrong or messed up on, please do let me know, in the best way possible of course, I really would like to understand this better.

Last thing, if any of you out there, need a place to go to chat or anything like that, you don’t have to, but you’re more than welcome to here, but if you’re wanting or looking for a bit more help, here’s a few links to websites that might just be what you need and for those who want to understand more about this as well, I left some links for you as too.

  1. Better Help
  2. NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association)
  3. Alsana
  4. Understanding Male Eating Disorders
  5. Males And Eating Disorders

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~