Dear Little Me…..(Updated)

It’s been a while hasn’t it, if only you knew all things we have been through…..I mean seeing that you are apart of me, you probably already know huh!? I’ll be honest I wasn’t really expecting to write to you, it was only after that I read a bit of the first I guess you can call letter post that I wrote to you back in 2018 that I felt like I wanted to update you on a few things that we’ve managed to do…..I’m writing this a bit on the late side on the 15th of September nearly midnight, but not necessarily midnight it’s still around 11:30pm as I’m writing this now, I might just continue this post in the morning so I could really tell you everything that I want you to know….I’ll catch you up on what those things are soon, a part of me might keep the rest as a surprised though, see you in a couple of hours!

Good Morning me, well younger me…..it’s a little early, around 8:40am almost 9am, I don’t know if you remember us always getting up earlier than we needed to back then, there were moments when we got up a bit late as well! Sometimes we’d get up at almost 10am and if we got up at 11am we were upset the whole day…..I’m glad that I changed our sleep schedule all those times ago ha! I don’t know where to start with what’s been going on….We’ve been on quite the journey you and I, a lot of stresses, emotions both good and bad, we had some loses in our lives as well, that meant a lot to us….but on a good note, we did find someone that loves us for our weirdness as well as everything else believe it our not lol…..there’s a lot of things that’s happened since the last time I spoke to you!

We’ve been through some storms, but the one thing though that I feel you’ll really like is that…..we got through them and most of them we’re really hard, because they pushed us to really grow ourselves more and change as well, in the last letter I wrote you…..I felt like I was not doing you proud, that I had failed you as an older version of me and I never knew how to really express that in the best of ways, I only knew how to say sorry and feel bad about everything we were going through at the time…..I wanted you to be happy and I didn’t really give you that chance to be happy then….it took a long while, but I just want you to know that we’re doing good now, where we were then, we aren’t there anymore!

We managed to find our voice, now I won’t say we found it fully fully, there’s still some things that we both are still working out and trying to understand better, which is normal, because not everyone has figured everything out yet, but we have learned a lot and I can honestly say that we are becoming better versions of ourselves more and more each day! Don’t get me wrong we still have our moments where we aren’t always happy and feeling our best, but to how we used to handle those days to how we handle them now…..we’re doing pretty alright for ourselves, our emotions don’t constantly get at us the way they used to, we’ve learned to control them a lot better and not be so hard on ourselves….I mean we’re still hard on ourselves at times, but I think that’s never going to go away really, but that’s okay because it helps us to want to be better!

We’ve grown on a personal level, we’re still the same, but there our some new differences within ourselves that we’ve gained with our personality, for example….we’ve gotten a bit more sarcastic lately, we say what’s on our mind a lot more these days, a bit quickly too, might I add and we’ve gotten better at not taking up things that we know we don’t need in a negative sense….I guess you can say we’ve gotten a bit tougher and stronger since the last time, but I think part of those part of me comes from you if that makes sense, especially all the sassy parts that I wouldn’t have ever thought to come out!! All our fears that we used to worry ourselves about, we have moments where they pop up, but you’ll be happy to know that instead of always wanting to avoid them and run away, we try and face them the best we can…..we come way out of our comfort zone, well we’re nearing the surface at least, we don’t swim the best, but we do our best to get to where we want to be!

Like I said we’re still learning as we go along, but that’s only part of the journey we’re on…..it’s just the beginning and we’re just getting started, but we’re flying little me, just like you always wanted and I promise that I’m going to keep doing my best to make you proud to be me older, because I just want you to be happy and I want you to know that the adventures you go, as new and hard as they may be at times and you may feel like you’re not getting where you need to, but know that you’re always going to get where you need even when you get lost a bit, sometime you have to get a little lost before you’re found! We’re always going to be okay, I know that because I got you and I know that when I’m lost, you’ll found a way to point me to where you feel it’s best to go so I know to keep going, because together is where the magic starts to happen!

All the feelings of being scared, but wanting to still give it a shot anyway, taking those risks, I never thought we’d get to that point, but I got to say that, doing those things, makes me happy, I still get nervous and scared, but I hope that you feel happy that we’re finally doing them…..there’s still some stuff that I know I want to tell you, but I know know how to express them properly just yet, so I will leave them for another time, the moment I find those words and I’m able to piece them all together you’ll know…..I just wanted to tell you that we’re okay and that we’re a little bit more happier than we were before…..I’ll see you soon!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Now Playing: What A Feeling By One Direction (Lyric Observation)

Originally Written March 15th, Finished March 18th

Goooood Afternoon!! Hope everyone’s week is starting off well and that all your weekend’s were nice and enjoyable, hope you all are doing well too….now normally when I do these Now Playing….(Insert song or album here) posts we talk about a specific song and it’s meaning or we look at an album to a favorite artist of mine and give thoughts on the album…..today it’s going to be a liiiittle different, not extremely, it will still be at the core of it’s true heart, discussing music and all that jazz, only this time we’ll be focusing on two lyrics within the same section of the song, to put it in better words…..we’re going to be taking a look at the bridge part of this song….why!?

Well, I woke up singing this part of the song to myself this morning, as it still continues throughout the day and had some thoughts come through with it so that’s what we’re doing today, plus I feel like this will be a fun challenge of some sort to try for myself and see what comes with it!! Now I want to say this isn’t going to be a lyric breakdown, but I’m not sure how true that is so let’s not say that at all….even though I just did….on with the song yeah!?

Now if you were to hear the song as whole and listen to each lyric, you might not know right away it’s true meaning or you may know what it means or at least what it’s trying to say, as we know everyone has their own interpretation when it comes to music, artwork, even life itself, but that’s what keeps things interesting, knowing that everyone sees and hears things differently, if we all heard and saw things the same we wouldn’t have things like miss heard lyrics to laugh at, I love it when people interpret a song lyric that’s different to what it’s actually, it makes for a fun time getting to hear all the different things being heard

Although I do also get a little upset when lyrics are sung wrong, purposely mainly, not all the time, but if you sing a song and happen to sing a part of the lyrics wrong, 9/10 I’m there like “what are you doing, that’s not how the song goes” I’ll then sing the actual lyrics so you know how it’s meant to go, now if you didn’t know and you were just singing the song to what you thought it said, then I won’t bother with you too much….I will not, not bother you, because I’ll still want you to know it’s actual sayings, however I’ll be light hearted about it and laugh at it, call it the perfectionist in me okay…I mainly tend to do this most with music, because I love lyrics so much and so I get a little over protective of it…..

That being said I too have a little fun with messing lyrics up on purpose at times, not always, just when I want to mess with someone or just to make myself laugh….so I’m not one to talk…..now that we’ve gone and discussed that, let’s get to the actual post here, otherwise I’m going to have to change the title of this post to how I feel about miss heard lyrics…maybe we’ll make it a bonus post!

First lyric of the bridge that we’re going to be talking about is the line “Whatever chains is holding you back, holding you back, don’t let ’em tie you down” Now this line is quite obvious to what it’s saying, it’s talking about chains and the weight of them, it’s more metaphorically than literal, but these lyrics to me are expressing a form of overcoming and that could be of anything really, it doesn’t necessarily have to refer to something specific, it’s more of a reassurance that no matter how much things tend to get or how difficult something maybe to pull through, we don’t need to let the chains of what is holding us bound (figuratively) keep us at that low point!

Whenever there’s a will, there is always a way, even when in the moment it doesn’t seem/feel like it, sometimes we just need to think outside the box, as well as look at things from a different perspective to try and see it, even if that means literally going upside (Big Hero 6 reference) there’ll be moments where it may take a while, but it all comes down to just having hope and faith that it’ll be alright in the end!!

Moving on to the next part of the bridge, where we look at the lyrics reading “Whatever change is holding you back, holding you back, tell me you believe in that!? Now I remember listening to this song one time, really listening to the lyrics, all while singing along of course and I remember hearing this line and feeling a little realization, probably because I had just understood the lyrics, well this one at least and was pretty amazed by it!

When you hear the line, there’s a lot of things you might make from it, for me I felt the meaning to be of embracing something, embracing change….for a lot of us, change is a very hard thing, for a very long time I saw as a hard thing myself, still probably do if I’m being honest! The only difference to it now is, I’ve been learning to be okay with allowing things to change in the way that it feels the need to go, revisiting the lines “Whatever change is holding you back, holding you back, tell me you believe in that!?” Whenever Harry sings this line….it’s like he’s pleading with you to feel it….and what I mean by that is, he’s asking you to believe in that change, don’t run from it!

We all get scared when it comes to something that’s new, something we’ve never seen before or felt even and because of those feelings instead of embracing it as we’re meant to…..we run away, even when that something maybe good for us!! We run away out of fear, but not only that, we run out of defense, some of us are very guarded so when it comes to any sort of change we keep it at an arms length reach, however we don’t reach for it to see where it may lead and that’s the thing that hold us back, like the lyric repeats…..it’s not until we dig deep do we realize that maybe the reason we keep running or avoiding change is because we believe in it, in a way “Tell me you believe in that!?”

Tell me, you believe this thing that you’re trying to keep away from….it’s because we believe in the things that we do to why we get scared, why we choose to go the other way instead of just seeing what could be of it!! Here’s the thing though when we believe in something strongly no matter what we do, it’s always going to find a way to us even when we don’t want it to, you can’t run from something that’s chooses to be around, it always finds a way to get you to notice and sooner or later, you find that you do notice!!

Change is an inevitable thing it’s going to happen regardless to how we feel with it, but it doesn’t need to be something that we turn away from all together, we can be scared about it, but we have to trust that whatever happens that it’s going to bring us somewhere nice and somewhere it sees best for us that stuff being things we don’t quite see, but what we feel inside as individuals, we never know what path we’re going to take in life until we’ve gotten there ourselves, maybe not always completely, but we’re always lead in the right direction even when we don’t know it….in each of our journey’s we have something we are holding on to, something that gives us some kind of hope and with that hope we’re feeling something…..we’re believing and are trusting that whatever and wherever our journey’s lead, it’ll all be good, we just got to believe it!!

Now whose to know if that’s exactly what that part of the song means, it might mean something completely different to my interpretation of it, I might have to ask One Direction what the inspiration was behind this song or maybe I’ll just go with my interpretation of it, either way it’s got a meaning!! What’s your take on the lyrics!?

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Acceptance Of The Old Or Of The New!? (July 6, 2019)

I’ll be honest, this title is stumping me a little on how i’m going to write about this, even though I titled it this way, there’s always something that is going to be a little of your comfort level, but sometimes you have to try even if you aren’t sure on how it’ll go or sound in this case.

Sometime we accept certain things that we shouldn’t and push away things that can be too much to take in because it evolves changing the things we are already used to, even if those things may be good for us in the long run.

In this case we talk on the topic of change and new beginnings for something better and different…….the word different is something a lot of us don’t like really like to embrace, because it secretly has the word change, hidden within it which makes us want to run and hide from it.

Not everyone likes change as we all know, even if it’s the good kind, we prefer comfort and not having to change anything around us, we see it as why change something when there’s nothing wrong with it!? However even though it may not look like it from the surface, doesn’t mean that there’s nothing wrong hidden deep down inside…….

The insane part about it is that most of the time we know that we’ve grown or are growing out of the comfort of what we know, yet we choose to stay and continue living in the mentally discomfort of our own ways and or bad habits and lifestyle we try to keep around, knowing that it’s harmful to the growth of ourselves and personality, but we accept it thinking that we need to, when in reality it’s not an obligation to do so……we forget that as human beings we’re meant to evolve and change every now and again.

Even if we have things to us that stay the same, it doesn’t mean we fully are the same person, we change a little everyday and our perspectives on things change as well just like everything else to us…..

We may not like it, but it’s something that we have to let happen otherwise, we’re just going to be miserable and that is nothing, but the truth, the more we hold back on something that is natural to our human nature, the more we’ll continue to regret and become unhappy and we all know that regret is the one thing that we don’t want eating us alive mentally, because even when you think you’ve gotten over something, you’ll find that you really haven’t, it’s always there hidden in your mind even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Accepting something because we think we have to or because we’re used to it, will only make us angry deep under the surface and the more we continue adding fuel to it, the more we’ll start to resent and break and when we start to break everything around us starts collapsing……

Worrying about how people will feel, the way everything will go or even about other peoples lives, only adds stress to the person worrying no one else, it might worry others (people you’re close to) but it won’t do as much damage to them then it will to you and that’s because you’re the one feeling it the most which is why you stress out more, when in reality the only thing that is needed for you to focus on, is yourself in regards to the kind of change you want for you and what you’re willing to accept in your life.

If you accept what is already given, not just with other people, but with yourself and the way things are going in your life depending on whether you’re okay with it or not will depend on the way it makes you feel, if you feel good about it than, there’s no need to worry, but if deep down you’re not willing to accept it than, that should say something clearly……

Although we surround ourselves with different people and different things, we are the ones that have to be satisfied with what we bring and allow in our lives otherwise who’s the happy one!? If it’s not us we’ve done things wrong, we shouldn’t allow nor accept something just because we’re used to it or we feel we have to, not from other people, not even from our scared self, acceptance of the old shouldn’t go clashing with things that are new…..

If anything the old and new should come together in some way, because they’re just as tied together as anything else, we don’t have to get rid of what we already have, but we don’t have to just accept it either, keep what you have, but try to embrace what you can have to,

Even if you are unsure of it, you don’t want to be stuck with a routine that is draining and unfulfilling, accepting where you are and what is expected will only drive you up the walls, instead of being afraid and anxious of a new and most likely better change, try being anxious, but excited for it!!

I mean let’s face it no one is ever calm with new things and if you are, well than I don’t know how that’s possible, but I guess it can happen…….but new things should always bring you a little excitement even when it’s terrifying, I mean if you’re not scared a little, do you even really care!? Be anxious and scared, but be excited a little too, because acceptance of the old should never keep you from accepting what is new…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Self Destruction (Dec 12, 2018)

Originally Written Dec 10, 2018

Why do we do it!? Why do we insist on watching ourselves suffer when we know that it’s not right!? Why is it so easy to tear ourselves down then it is to build ourselves up!? We sit and watch ourselves drown in our own sorrows and continue to rip ourselves in half when we feel we aren’t getting things right………we break and we break until we don’t have many pieces left to break. We expect everyone else to fix us and make us feel better, but we always know that deep down, it doesn’t matter how many people help and try and lift us up………..we’ll still feel broken inside and that’s because we’ve broken down ourselves so much that, although we want and try and let people in, we always end up pushing them away or trying to push them away when they try to help us, because we feel what’s the point!?

We can’t even fix ourselves so, how are we meant to let others help us if we can’t even help ourselves!? I mean we’re the one who chose to stay this way right!? We could fix ourselves and be better, yet we prefer to keep ourselves the way we are, on the ground or by locking ourselves away and choosing to stay isolated……..we chose to not try, we’d rather just dwell and keep ourselves just sitting in the dirt not wanting to change, why!? Why do we do that, why can’t we just fight ourselves, breakaway and set ourselves free!? We have the potential don’t we!? We have the creative mind and heart to go for it right!?…….Right!?

Maybe we don’t, maybe things are great where we are, it’s familiar and safe, I mean sure we fight against ourselves and, and we long for more than what we know and we try to make the most of where we are, even though we know we aren’t happy where we are. We continue to say, “let’s give it another try”, “i’m kinda happy, sorta, i’m trying” or “I don’t know how to move on, so I choose to stay here, because this is all I know………broken is all I know”………….I’m learning that if you try to convince yourself that you’re happy with what you’re doing and where you are, you’re just gonna continue to feel more and more unhappy and when that happens, that’s when you start to overthink and then your emotions start to take over, which then causes you to self destruct. 

There’s a lot of different ways you can self destruct: There’s trying your best to always be perfect, wanting to always make everyone else happy, keeping yourself isolated from everything, not being honest with yourself about your true feelings, keeping yourself in the same situation over and over……….I could sit here and list so many different things. We all self destruct at some point, some of us are good at hiding it and others it’s not always so easy………..the fact that we would rather hurt ourselves though and let ourselves get to the point of self destruction, is selfish and upsetting because it means you don’t care about yourself and when you don’t care about yourself, it’s hard to care about everything else………..you should care, you should be wanting to feel happy.

If you continue to let yourself have breakdowns after breakdowns or constantly make yourself feel like you’re not enough or you aren’t capable of anything, it’s only gonna leave you in a pile of your own destruction, do you really want that!? You have to be your own friend, if you start sabotaging yourself the only person to blame for all that is you, because you have the choice to finally stop yourself from completely destroying and I hope that you do finally stop tearing yourself away, because even though that mind of yours tells you that you aren’t good enough, you know that deep in your heart and soul, you are.

The mind can easily play tricks on you, but it’s you who has the choice to believe what the mind is telling you or fight back and save yourself from having a complete meltdown and if you’ve had meltdowns already, know that it’s okay, we all do, but  don’t think that it’s too late to change the way you are, because it’s not. Sometimes we have to have meltdowns after meltdowns in order to finally realize that what we do to ourselves affect us in a big way whether we think so or not, so please really look to yourself and ask yourself if what you’re doing is worth it and is what your doing making you happy!? If it’s not, then you know what it is you have to do, change it or keep self destructing, the choice is yours……..and I hope that you choose wisely. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~ 

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Why Do We Doubt Ourselves!? (Evening Pages Nov 14, 2018)

So i’ve been trying to figure out what to write for a bit now, i’ve been writing in my writing journal, earlier I wrote a new evening page, it was on what was in my head this morning, I started to write another journal entry on something and the title I wrote here, is the same title I wrote in my writing journal. The question I ask is why when it comes to self doubt…….why is it that we doubt ourselves so much!? It seems like when we were younger, we had more confidence then we do now in ourselves, which is crazy to look back on, i’m sure a lot of us were super energetic, didn’t have a care in the world on anything, we just all did our own thing without having to worry about it.

It’s like the older you get, the things that you would normally feel confident about as a kid, you don’t feel as much getting older. Now i’m not saying everyone does that, i’m sure there’s a whole lot of people who were the same from a child to now. However most of us, we know what it’s like to change in order to meet peoples standards the older we get. If someone doesn’t like something we do, we change ourselves so that way they do like us better, we try and mold ourselves to everyones perception of us that when it comes to really looking at yourself in the mirror, it’s hard to know who you really truly are……..and when you try to break out of those molds, you find yourself getting backlash for it.

People see that you want to change and you know you want to change, because you feel that there’s just so much more to you then what meets the eye and you want to see what that is, but not everyone will see it the same as you and that’s something that not only they need to come to terms with, but you need to come to terms with yourself. Everyone will have their opinions, judgements and thoughts about it, but you…….you have to know that this change, this thing that you find yourself in the middle of, you have to know that it’s not all bad, sure it may seems like it, but it’s not. Everyone changes and not everyone is gonna be the same for long.

If you’re going through some kind of change, maybe it’s because you need the change because maybe the way you were and the things you did before…….maybe they just aren’t meant to be there forever with you, maybe they were just there for the moments that you needed it………I find myself wondering whether the person I am now this version of me, I wonder whether I went wrong with her or something and the thing is………I actually don’t feel like I did, I know i’m not the same as I was a few months ago, a few months ago I was happy, happier than i’ve ever been, me now……..i’m half kinda happy, but also half not fully completely happy and you’re probably thinking what does this have to do with self doubt!?

Well……..when you know that you’ve changed and that you just aren’t the same person everyone was used to and that you were use to, it makes you look back on a lot of things from the moments that you were, to how you are now and it makes you question, even when you feel like this new you, this new version of you might just do you good…….it will still have you question yourself and it will leave you to doubt yourself and if you’ve always been the kind of person to have issues with self doubt, whether that be in yourself, the decisions that you’ve made, it will still effect you.

Even when it does though, you just keep in mind that everyone changes, you included, you may not understand why and you may not like it at first, but eventually you’ll come to realize that you changing isn’t a bad thing, it’s far from it. The only thing that comes from change is new opportunities and a new kind of growth, so again, no matter how many judgements you get, keep in mind that when you start to doubt yourself when it comes to how you’re doing things and all that, know that you have nothing to worry about, because you’re doing fine, you just gotta keep going and eventually you’ll see that the change you’ve come across will only be for the better even if you think it wont. 

All The Love ❤ ❤ 

~Lexa~

Photo by Christian Holzinger on Unsplash

Change (Oct 12, 2018)

Journal Entry (Oct 12,2018)

Change is a very big thing, it can also be a very scary thing as well, we all fear a little change sometimes, especially when it’s something new that we’re still getting use to. Some of us embrace change though, while others kinda get a little anxious when it comes to the thought of it, we get so overwhelmed sometimes that we think we should just settle for what we know and for me i’m starting to realize that we shouldn’t do that, we all need a little change, be it in our environment, the way we live and even in the way we think and how we see ourselves. We get so use to being a certain way that because we’ve been that way for so long, we have it in our minds that we don’t need to change. 

Sometimes though we do, because in the end we know that it’s gonna make us better people and help us grow as a person, it’s okay to be scared because it means that we care, sure when it comes to change we may not know what exactly it will bring us, but maybe that’s for a reason……maybe we aren’t meant to know, maybe we’re just meant to accept it and embrace it, instead of trying to always fight to stop it from happening. We should all want to change a little, especially when we know deep down we need it, because maybe the old way isn’t working, maybe it’s time for us to kick ourselves in the backside and tell ourselves to shape up and to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just accept that no matter what we do, something is bound to change and we can either embrace it or let it push us so hard that it makes us breakdown more often then we may like. 

We all fear change, but we really shouldn’t, because change is apart of life, it helps us move forward, it helps us see things from a different perspective and it lets us see things we’ve never seen before. Change helps show us what it is we’re capable of, whether we see it in ourselves in the beginning or we have others try and show us, so we can discover it along the way, no matter how we may perceive change, it’s gonna happen and it’s on us to really embrace it and see what that change has in store for us or we can just let it intimidate us and risk missing out on something amazing.

Who knows it might be something we really need, but we wouldn’t know because we’re always running away from it, because we’re scared of what might happen. Instead of us always worrying about the what if’s, why don’t we just try looking more on the side of why not and let’s see what this could be, will we be scared!? yeah we’ll probably be terrified, but that still shouldn’t stop us from seeing what is out there for us, we should always welcome change no matter what it is, eventually no matter what the change is like, it’s always gonna end up having a silver lining somewhere, we just have to learn to always see the best in everything. (End Of Journal Entry)

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All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

 

Featured Photo By: Sebastian Unrau on Unsplash