Tag: Words

The Heat & Rain Of May….(Monthly Talks)

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Happy Sunday! As you may all already know, we’ve come to the last 2 days of the month of May and boy have a lot of things been happening this month, I’d like to say that, it’s been more eventful during the months of May then the other months that have gone by, but then again, every month has it’s moments, don’t you think!? I’m now 27 thanks to May and no my birthday is not today, it was earlier into the month, I don’t normally speak on when my birthday arrives, because I just don’t like to, let’s just say I’m not one to like too much spotlight on me!

I’d like to think my birthday was somewhat decent this year, I didn’t really do too much, but I did sorta enjoy myself leading up to my birthday…..I was kind of nervous and then it came and yeah I didn’t know what to feel, if i’m being honest I still don’t know what to feel…..it’s a little hard to believe that I’m already 27, but we all know that eventually we’ll just keep getting older even when we don’t actually feel it! If anyone is even curious at all to what I think, I feel that this month has taught me a lot, to explain it would be very difficult on my part, but if I had to try and put it into words the best way that I can…..one of the things May has had me really look at is, how ready you actually are, plus really seeing the kind of growth and transformation one has made…..

Does any of that makes sense!? I’m not sure, but I did say I would try and explain it the best way I could didn’t I, well that’s my way of explaining it, I felt a lot of emotions this month and excuse me for a moment because I’m going to do something I never actually do too often and that’s being honest with you all…..I like to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself usually because to express them out loud, is not only very and extremely difficult for me, but you might as well knowing everything about me! You see if I were to just say everything that’s in my heart and in my head….I think I would be in a lot of trouble because I know that there would be a hand full of people that would not be happy with me…

So as much as I struggle to keep everything under control and away from the mic when asked what it is you feel….I do my best to swallow all those things and keep them from escaping my mouth because I don’t know how else to do it, but I’d like to think I’ve improved at making people believe that it’s all good under the surface, but I’m also a little aware that people aren’t stupid and if my hunch is right then their able to sense something within me that I’m not saying, but are kind enough to not ask me unless I feel the need to want to talk about these things….little do they know, I’ll never be the one to go up to them and just say what it is i’m feeling.

It’s not something most people would admit, but it’s the truth…..the only way you’re going to get me to say what I’m thinking is knowing me extremely well, but take what I just said there with a pinch of salt because even though there are very few and I mean it very few that I can sit and genuinely speak to about my feelings without judgement or worry, I still won’t express myself to just anyone, not my family and sometimes not even my best friend and she’s my best friend….but I don’t like to talk about my feelings so I keep them to myself…..there’s only 1 person whose able to get me to say what I need to say without fail and that’s only because eventually I just tell on myself and let it out, but if I can help it….I won’t say a word!

I always feel whenever I do express myself, I wish I hadn’t, my emotions get too much for me and so when I am being honest about my feelings, it makes me feel as though it’s too much for other people and then I get upset with myself where I’m always thinking “I always say too much or write too much” and then I wish I could just take everything back into a vaccuum (or hoover is some places) it’s already hard for me to want to be open with some people and so when I do I always want to feel that it means something and is being understood properly and that I’m not just talking a load of rubbish shit and things like that…..but another thing that I’ve really tried soaking in this month is that, there are things that you have to be brave enough to say by yourself even if you find it hard to say out loud, you still should say it in the ways you do feel comfortable!

I know I’ve not written a lot these days and that’s because I was trying to challenge myself a bit, see if I could be open about specifics with just saying it, not by writing, but by actually saying it….spoiler…..it’s not really been vocalized too much and whenever I felt I failed to speak it out loud, I would get frustrated with myself because I would find myself going for it, but would hold back so I didn’t….however with every non vocal words….i’d force myself to write about it even when I didn’t want to….I felt like if I didn’t I was going to become angry with myself, due to the fact that I was holding it in.

It took a minute before I realized that, just because I can’t say it out loud just yet, doesn’t mean that I need to get upset with myself, I had to give permission and be okay with the fact that I use writing as a way of expressing what I have hard time saying out loud, not that I didn’t already know that, I mean it’s the reason I started this blog in the first place I needed something so I didn’t feel like I was holding everything in, so if writing is my way, then I have to accept that and remember it helps me to get my real feelings out, at the end of the day, I still try and so the more I try, the better I know I’ll become!

This month has also given me insight of what happens when you continue to hold yourself and take it from me if you can help it….do NOT wait too long….if you have something in your heart and on your mind constantly, don’t about too much, just go for it…..the longer you wait the more likely you are to lose it….I might’ve risked something extremely important to me and the fact that I always take forever on everything is one of my traits that I absolutely, I won’t say hate because that’s a strong word, even though I just kind of said it, but it’s one I really don’t like….although I understand…..it really does bother me….but the way I need to look at it is,

That part of it is done and has been like it for a while, but just because 1 road closes, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other back ways to take….so I need to be brave enough to go a different route, I’m not going to give up and although I know I haven’t been given up on…..I still feel like it’s my job to really do something this time around and not wait anymore, so however it’s going to play out….I need to allow it, because if I want to get there, no amount of words is going to get you there…..you have to be willing to really go for it, even if it does leave people upset with you, life doesn’t wait, so you have to not be scared to do what it is you want, you have to show yourself that you can do it and that you will, otherwise you’re going to be there waiting forever!

So I just hope that I didn’t lose that chance to proving myself and going after something that’s important to me, other then that, that’s everything I needed to say for this month….hopefully you all had a good month to May!

All The Love ❤ ❤ ❤

Lexa

I’m Just Thinking Out Loud….

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Good afternoon! Hope your Tuesday is treating you all well, Summer is literally close by anyone else feeling this heatwave of sorts, I’m telling you Summer….not my thing! Besides that, let’s have a chat in writing shall we!? It’s been a bit, well more like 5 days, but whose keeping count right!? You know one thing I can appreciate with writing is that when you need to find words…..you’re able to take your time with it, there isn’t as much pressure with it compared to if you were podcasting an episode or making videos…..not saying I don’t like doing those things, I do it helps me to express differently and forces me to put myself out there in different ways, which is something I am both used to and not used to, however when I really need to think on things and I know I need the pressure lowered it really helps to just sit back and take my time to write about it!

I struggle with words most times, although I love to talk, seriously I enjoy talking especially when the topic is something that means a lot to me, BUT…..that being said…..really talking about things….I always have a hard time no matter how much I try and prepare for it! In order for me to really find my words…..I need to think deeply on it and having this blog and being able to say the things that can be hard to say talking wise really means a lot, if this was a live writing and talking….there would be a lot of ums and long pauses, which I try my hardest to not do…but it’s just something that is apart of me, it’s how I express and I’m trying to get used to that when expressing verbally, along with trying to keep those ums and long pauses short…still got a long way to go on that, but I’m sure I’ll get there!

I don’t think on it often, but in this moment, right here, right now…..I am very and extremely grateful to have this blog to be my voice on days when I am not sure what to say or when I feel I need a moment to gather my thoughts, I am a very expressive person, that has a hard time expressing, which is the weirdest thing lol! If you were to just see me at a natural state and just allowed me to chat about whatever comes to mind…..you’d see how expressive I actually am,

That being said, I’m still getting used to being my naturally expressive self that’s why I have so many different things that I do, from this blog to my still figuring out Podcast and soon probably something a lot different than what I’m used to, but that I feel would help to really be comfortable with myself, sometimes I wonder if I’m too weird for for people and if I should tone it down and that’s me being completely and from the heart honest, you can’t see me, but I’m trying my best to keep from getting emotional here, but it’s the truth!

It’s the truth that I’ve never really been open with, I always express how you should just be yourself, but honestly….I have a hard time fully being myself and I’m trying to become comfortable with being who I am and who I’m still discovering I am, even at the age of 26 lol, but I’m hoping I will eventually get it *literally scratched it* I have faith that eventually I’ll learn to be okay with it!

Now when it comes to how I choose to showcase my voice…..I choose to show it and embrace it in many different ways, be it blogging on it, stepping out of comfort expressing it on my Podcast and even in front of a camera as camera shy as I maybe at time, somedays I don’t mind it, but somedays I do, Just like Scott James once sang in his song Speck In The Spectrum “Part of me, likes this…..and part of me doesn’t mind it! All the rest is a Speck in the Spectrum, of a world that makes no sense to me”

Not sure what made me quote that song, I can’t share it anyway as he’s put is old songs private on his Youtube, but it was the first thing that came to mind, one of my favorites by him! Those are my thoughts though, don’t know where they came from, I just started writing and it just naturally came out, I didn’t even know I was writing it until I wrote it!

If you would like to get to know me better or my ways of expressing better I recently recorded an episode on my Podcast similar to this topic, you can listen to it here: Finding Ones Voice (Just Chatting) You can check it out on Anchor or Spotify whatever suits you!

Thank you for reading this post and just for being here in general, very much appreciated!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

If Words Were Bullets, We’d All Be Wounded Or Worst…..

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Not all words are bullets, but majority can be……if we’re not careful, we learn that we can do a whole lot of damage with them. Sometimes we don’t really think about the way we say things and if we do, sometimes they can still come out in a way where we don’t realize just how much it can effect a person…..a lot of what we say sometimes we say it out of spite, why!?

Because we’re angry and upset, but just because we’re upset, it doesn’t mean we should throw knives at a person, however most people still do, with words you can say anything, but our words and how we say them will determine what the outcome turns out to be. If we say something in an attempt to hurt someone, well that doesn’t make us good people does it!?

We’re just doing it out of spitefulness and that’s not how things should be, we should learn how to say something without it coming across negatively, however sometimes we end up in a gray area, because we could use our words and use it with kindness or in a way that isn’t hurtful, but it may still end up still coming off that way, a lot of the time we don’t know how to say things without it coming off a certain way, some of us say things based off how we feel and also because we don’t know another way to say it.

We don’t think about the effects of it, until after everything is said and done, we say what we say within the moment and then later think about it, for some it can be the other way around, where they think first and say later and I gotta say when it comes to those people, we could learn a thing or two, but it’s not always like that, some people would rather it be said then and there and that’s fine, but at the same time, if we’re not careful in the way we say things, it’ll turn sour real quick and then we’ll find a very big mess at our hands, with words we don’t think they do much, but they do.

We can always go back and rethink how everything played out and then come back and re discuss it to clear out any miscommunication that might’ve been taking in, at the start of a conversation, doing that actually works, because if one party felt a certain way, we’d be able to sort it out to make sure that everything is set right and make things better, vice versa.

That being said though, sometimes you’ll find yourself in the middle of a war zone trying your hardest to dodge any minefields that are hidden beneath, if you’re lucky, sometimes you make it out alive, other times you have no choice, but to stand your ground and go to war……

However you don’t always have to, you can always choose when to pick your battles, it’s not always easy though when it comes to choosing them, sometimes we don’t know when the best time and when it’s not, I guess you kinda just gotta look out for it or just go in either way, but it doesn’t mean we have or need to charge through with every blow or explosion we hear.

When it comes to choosing, we either look out for it, charge through and if it’s a battle we don’t have to particularly take part in, if it came to a point where we have to step in and go to war (hoping it doesn’t over escalate) we should at least be mindful in what we say, but most importantly, we should always be careful when heading into the battlefield, the mission is to defuse not infuse…..once that’s mastered, we will all know how to heal each other.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Penciled Version
Pen Version

Side Note: I thought i’d add one of my drawings to this post, why well I wanted to have some kind of cover for this post, last time I shared one of my doodles, I said that I would add the penciled part to it as well as pen, I have not decided on a color for it yet, so that’s why you’re seeing it like this, if you guys have any suggestions to what colors I should use, feel free to share it would really be helpful and i’d appreciate it as well, thank you!! ^_^

Expression…..(July 18, 2019)

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Some may think that this is the same thing as feeling and emotions, but it’s not it’s just a way of letting out what you’re feeling, it can also just be a regular expression, for example, when you say “i’m so hungry I can eat a whole truck load of tacos” it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to eat a truck load of tacos, you’re just expressing how hungry you are, you might not actually even be that hungry, it just feels like you are.

We express what we feel and what we’re thinking, sometimes we can be a little too blunt with it, but for some it works that way, if we’re feeling something strongly, we’ll say it how we feel it or how we’re thinking it, although sometimes we’re meant to watch how we say things because it can be taken a whole different way to how we’re actually meaning for it to sound…..which can be very hard to do.

Expressing ones feelings, thoughts and or emotions can be very tricky at times, because naturally we want to say things the way we feel it, which is why if you notice, whenever we are feeling a certain way, we go into our natural fight or flight mode……naturally we want to let out everything we’re feeling right then and there, but our conscience tugs us back to help us approach those emotions and feelings in the best way possible.

Sometimes that doesn’t always occur and we end up saying things that are either out of context or the wrong way to how we wanted it to come out and that has to do with the way our thoughts are, we think of all these different scenarios and ways to approach a situations, but when it comes to actually being front and center to it, our minds start to scramble again, putting us back to square one causing us say and mix up everything.

It can be a real pain when that happens because you know what you want to say, yet you find yourself saying something completely different to what you thought about originally and that’s why if you do find yourself wanting to express something, but you feel as though it may come out wrong and not make much sense, you’re meant to pick your words carefully and that is a task on it own, if everyone was able to say what it was they wanted without any consequences, I think it’d make people understand each other and their feelings more, but it would also still hurt people in a way.

Just because I said there would be no consequences doesn’t mean that people’s feelings wouldn’t still be hurt, they’d see things differently and understand what is being said, but again it would still hurt a little and that’s why majority of the time, people don’t say anything because they don’t want to hurt others feelings, but sometimes you have to rip the band-aid off a little even if it comes out in a way you tried many times to avoid……

How we express and the way we express it can sometimes feel like walking on a mine field, because you never know where you’re going to step with it, but holding our breath and being afraid to express our true feelings shouldn’t be something we do either, we all have a voice and a right to say how we’re really feeling and thinking, it’s not always easy…….

It can be one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes we need it, so that way we don’t suppress it, doing that only starts to build anger, resentment, stress and a whole lot of deadly emotions that don’t need to be kept in.

Take it from someone who’s emotions and feelings are way beneath the surface that even when it tries to come out, it ends up just going back and hiding away again, sometimes it needs a bit of work and sometimes it just ends up coming out naturally…..it’s a win lose situation with expression, but if done in the best way possible or decently or I guess in the only way you’re able to, it’s not always all that bad.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Writing….

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I write words I do, but how well do I write them!? You write words too i’m sure, but how well do you write them!?

Do the words we put on a piece of paper, make any sense at all!? Do the words we type on our computer, match up to the thoughts in our heads!?

How do we know we’re not just writing non sense, how do we know whether or not the words we’re saying are coming out alright!?

So many questions on the topic of writing, hopefully whatever we write about, hopefully someone too wonders what we’re trying to figure out ourselves………..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~