2 Weeks Away, Almost 3….

How’s everyone doing these days, hope well!! Now I know what some of you are probably thinking, “Where have you been!?” and if you aren’t thinking that well then, that’s okay, but I will sorta explain why I haven’t written anything new for the past 2 to almost 3 weeks, I think the longest i’ve went not posting is about a few days maybe a week, this times a new record, we surpassed a week of not posting, can we get an hurrah!?

No i’m kidding, I haven’t posted on here for a reason, you see i’ve been away due to my brain thinking a lot mainly on where i’m going or want to go at least……there’s a lot of things that I haven’t really expressed on here, I might do that one day, not sure when exactly, but one day……

I still haven’t gained that much courage to do so just yet. Now even though I haven’t written and posted anything new on my blog in a good while, I have been still writing, just more handwriting then typing, i’m actually close to filling one of my journals, not quite finished, but it’s getting there i’d say.

So yeah, i’ve been trying to really think on what I want to do (career wise) this isn’t anything new really, it’s something that i’ve been switching back and forth with for a good while now, i’ve just been putting it off for a good amount of time and you know what that’s no one else’s fault but mine, you think you’re fine with something, but then realize you’re not.

So yeah there’s that for one……i’ve also been trying to get better at certain things…..still sorta working on that……i’m kinda feeling a bit of stress and pressure and that’s me doing that to myself because I really want to get somewhere and feel good about it, I mean we all do don’t we!?

There’s a lot let’s just say, but i’m doing my best to work it all out so I could move forward from where i’ve always been stood, if that makes sense!?

I must say this has got to be the most i’ve written in a while on here, which is surprising for some reason, because normally I write a lot, in my journals at least, i’m not sure how often i’ll be posting on here, I kinda purposely stepped away from here just so I can get my head straight and that, plus i’ve been wanting to make this blog better and i’m not sure in what way I want to do that, maybe it’ll be more personal or something, i’m not sure yet.

Hopefully it’ll all just happen naturally, but yeah that’s just a bit of an update I guess you can say, I don’t know what else to say, I hope you’re all doing well and having a good day sorry it’s taken me a few weeks to write, I kinda felt as though I didn’t have much to say so I didn’t, I have missed it though I won’t say I didn’t, i’m always on here believe it or not haha……

That’s all I have for now, but I will post something again soon, maybe not this week or maybe, who know, I might surprise you and post something one of these days or during the weekend, i’ll go based on if I feel I want to say something or how i’m feeling, right now it’s just how things are going,

But you guys enjoy the rest of your day or night depending on what time of day it is where you are and i’ll write to you guys again soon.

P.S. Since we’re coming to the closing days of Summer I thought i’d share something I made a while ago, I was meant to post it, but never did…..

All The Love ❤ < 3

~Lexa~

Feb 1, 2019

SO as you all know today is the first day of February, which means we have left January behind, it’s insane how quickly time goes ain’t it!? not really sure what to write and talk about, i’m in a bit of a mood today, i’m trying so really sort myself out, because i’m at the point where if I don’t i’m just going to continue to feel not 100 percent happy and I can’t keep feeling not 100 percent happy, I know i’m lacking in the “be in the moment and enjoy things more” department, I don’t know how to get out of being there.

It’s like although i’m trying so flipping hard to come back to being my old self, I know that i’m still not entirely there and everyone keeps telling me that i’m constantly stress and that i’m not the same, as if I don’t know that!! I know the stress I feel, I have to keep on a lower level compared to how I was initially feeling it and i’ve been working on that, now the whole i’m not 100 percent myself part, that’s a little hard at the moment.

When you’ve been feeling a certain way for a good while, you’re not just going to go back to being 100 percent right away, everyone knows that and it’s like everyone want me to be back already, i’m trying, but right now i’m trying to keep myself focus, i’m trying to figure things out on where i’m supposed to go, my minds is constantly all over the place and i’m trying to keep it in a state that is manageable to where i’m able to control it, all it really is, is me trying to have some kind of balance once again.

I know i’m a certain way and i’m trying to not only work with it, but also change it to a different way to what i’m use to if any of that makes sense!? When it comes to the way I am, I can’t really explain it to you, I just do things and work a different way than most people do and that’s for a reason, but that shouldn’t be an excuse, not that i’m trying to make like it is, i’m just saying that…….because of the way I am, i’m trying to fix the way I process and do things and it’s not easy, but i’m trying………….I know I need to get out more and push myself to doing things that I normally wouldn’t………

It’s a lot of pressure not just from around me, but also from within myself, i’m very hard on myself when it comes to a whole lot of things and one of the main things is coming out of my comfort zone, i’m so use to it, but I know that everyone has that issue so that’s not an excuse…………I know that everyone is worrying about me and I know that they’re not happy, but what am I suppose to do, i’m doing the best that I can and I really am trying……….

I will say though……….I do need to work on enjoying things more, it’s not like i’m not, it’s just taking me a bit longer than I expected to really enjoy it properly, but i’m going to continue to work on that and have a bit more fun more, even though i’m trying to stay focus on where i’m going in my life, I know that’s one of the things i’m lacking and i’ll work on it more.

I do hope that i’m getting somewhere though and that i’m doing alright in my life, that’s one of my main thoughts all the time, that and wanting things to be better, with the little bit of hope i’m trying to keep near me always……………….I hope it does.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

Self Rebuilding (Still In Progress)

Hey everyone, I hope you’re all doing well, so I just wanted to talk about something that was stuck in my mind before i’m not quite sure how exactly to talk about it, but i’m gonna do my best to express it in the best way that I can…….okay so lately i’ve been feeling like everyone wants the old me back……..however I feel that in a way I do want the old me back as well, but at the same time I don’t. Why you may ask!? because the old me isn’t what I want to strive for you know, You see lately I find myself changing and trying to come into my own, now with me still working on myself and trying to figure things out as I go along, it’s not really making some people around me happy for reasons I get, but at the same time I don’t really feel like i’m doing anything wrong with how I am or what i’m doing.

Everyone expects you to just kinda stay the same and i’m at the point in my life where I don’t want to stay the same, I want to be a different version of myself everyday, everyone knows that staying the same for a long period of time is gonna get really tiring and boring when trying to live up to a person that you know deep down you just aren’t anymore and that’s the thing with people, they expect you not to change the way you are and if you do start to change things about you that you feel are good for you, they see the change, but they don’t like it, so they point out all the things that are wrong with the new you, instead of trying to understand why you’re the way you are now, everyone changes and there’s nothing wrong with that…….I talked about outgrowing things and people before, you can read it here if you like A Few Topics In One Blog Post That Are Important To Take In and Keep In Mind…. that also goes for yourself too.

Everyone goes through that stage where they outgrow themselves a little and it’s not a bad thing, there are things we never out grow and then there are things we do outgrow and sometimes personality is one of those things, so if people have only seen you a certain way for a very long time they’re gonna expect you to be that way all the time and what everyone needs to know is that, that’s impossible, no one stays the same exactly everyone goes through certain changes that maybe good for them, but aren’t so good for everyone else. If you base your life on what everyone else thinks of you or you let yourself be shaped and molded in the way of others, then you’re gonna have a bit of a hard time finding out who you really are, due to the fact that you let people decide for you and that’s not what you want, you should never let others shape you to be a certain way.

Keep in mind that once you go on a search for yourself you’ll start to notice that you’re not the only one going through the change, so is everyone around you, so while you’re on a hunt for your true self and you’re finding out different things about you, know that it will effect people, depending on the person it’ll either effect them in a good way or a bad way, because they’re seeing from the outside the different things about you that they’ve never experienced before, they don’t see what it is that you’re going through in your head, to you the changes happening within you depending on what changes you’re going through it’s all new to you as well, so it’ll also either effect you in a good or bad way. If you find the changes within you aren’t beneficial to you, you’ll think to yourself okay so this isn’t really working how can I fix this to where it’s helping in a good way!? Sometimes you’ll find that it’s not always easy trying to figure that out, but eventually you will.

When you start to change your image and personality, keep in mind that it’s not gonna make sense to a lot of people, you might find that when you’re changing certain things about you, there will be things that you do that you may or may not notice that you’re doing, but it’s just something that has come natural of you to do and so to you, it’ll be perfectly normal, but to others it won’t be that way, for example: you might find that you’re not speaking to people the same way as you normally would or you might find that you’ve become less lively and more neutral when being with people as well and when that happens, people will start to feel very confused and won’t be happy with the change of mood that you now have and that’s something that can be very hard to not take in because when you have people saying they miss the old you while you’re in the process of self rebuilding it can really get to you in a way.

You know that you’re only self rebuilding because you aren’t happy with yourself and the way you do things, but others don’t see that, they just see this new change in you and because they don’t like it, they’ll express it thinking that if they tell you that they don’t like the way you are, that’ll get you to stop self rebuilding and they will get the old you back, but what they don’t know is, once you have your mind set on rebuilding yourself, you’re not gonna go back to your old self at least not in the way they want you to, if there’s certain things you want back, you’ll get it back, but if there’s things that you want to get rid of that no longer benefits you then that’s gonna be long gone. Once you decide on rebuilding yourself it becomes a good thing because it means your really trying to better yourself and become happy again, but it’ll also be a bit of a bad thing as well…….

Good because you’re trying to get rid of old habits, you’re focusing more on yourself and the goals you have set for yourself and other things too, however it can also be a bad thing, because not everyone is gonna like it or get it, but it’s called self rebuild for a reason, it’s not meant for everyone else to understand, you’ll have some who will be very supportive of you wanting to work on yourself, but you’ll also have those with mixed feelings about it and that can be very hard to deal with, but that doesn’t mean you should let yourself be pulled back into the madness that you no longer want to be surround by if you know it’s not really helping you. You have to really help yourself stay committed and stay focused on your self rebuilding, because although it’s easy to fall into old habits that aren’t good for you, you’ll be so much happier and very proud of yourself for sticking with everything that you started with even if people try and kinda make you feel bad about it.

My point is, people change and no one stays exactly the same, if people expect you to just stay the same all the time then they aren’t giving you the chance to really come into your own, no one should ever make you feel like the decisions that you make for yourself are bad decisions, just because they’re not happy with them, the changes that you make in your life are the changes that you make for you so you can be happy, don’t let others take your happiness away from you, if you feel that the changes that you’ve made for yourself are beneficial to you and you find yourself becoming a little happier everyday because of it, then keep doing what you’re doing, don’t let others opinions change your mindset. You just keep focusing on your self rebuilding even when sometimes it may seem hard to do.

Annnnd that is from me for now, I really hope this made sense and I hope that you we’re able to take somethings from today’s blog post and if you’re self rebuilding as well, I wish you all nothing, but the very best and I hope through your self rebuilding, you find happiness within yourself, I hope that you all have a goodnight/morning and or evening.

 

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~