The Heat & Rain Of May….(Monthly Talks)

Happy Sunday! As you may all already know, we’ve come to the last 2 days of the month of May and boy have a lot of things been happening this month, I’d like to say that, it’s been more eventful during the months of May then the other months that have gone by, but then again, every month has it’s moments, don’t you think!? I’m now 27 thanks to May and no my birthday is not today, it was earlier into the month, I don’t normally speak on when my birthday arrives, because I just don’t like to, let’s just say I’m not one to like too much spotlight on me!

I’d like to think my birthday was somewhat decent this year, I didn’t really do too much, but I did sorta enjoy myself leading up to my birthday…..I was kind of nervous and then it came and yeah I didn’t know what to feel, if i’m being honest I still don’t know what to feel…..it’s a little hard to believe that I’m already 27, but we all know that eventually we’ll just keep getting older even when we don’t actually feel it! If anyone is even curious at all to what I think, I feel that this month has taught me a lot, to explain it would be very difficult on my part, but if I had to try and put it into words the best way that I can…..one of the things May has had me really look at is, how ready you actually are, plus really seeing the kind of growth and transformation one has made…..

Does any of that makes sense!? I’m not sure, but I did say I would try and explain it the best way I could didn’t I, well that’s my way of explaining it, I felt a lot of emotions this month and excuse me for a moment because I’m going to do something I never actually do too often and that’s being honest with you all…..I like to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself usually because to express them out loud, is not only very and extremely difficult for me, but you might as well knowing everything about me! You see if I were to just say everything that’s in my heart and in my head….I think I would be in a lot of trouble because I know that there would be a hand full of people that would not be happy with me…

So as much as I struggle to keep everything under control and away from the mic when asked what it is you feel….I do my best to swallow all those things and keep them from escaping my mouth because I don’t know how else to do it, but I’d like to think I’ve improved at making people believe that it’s all good under the surface, but I’m also a little aware that people aren’t stupid and if my hunch is right then their able to sense something within me that I’m not saying, but are kind enough to not ask me unless I feel the need to want to talk about these things….little do they know, I’ll never be the one to go up to them and just say what it is i’m feeling.

It’s not something most people would admit, but it’s the truth…..the only way you’re going to get me to say what I’m thinking is knowing me extremely well, but take what I just said there with a pinch of salt because even though there are very few and I mean it very few that I can sit and genuinely speak to about my feelings without judgement or worry, I still won’t express myself to just anyone, not my family and sometimes not even my best friend and she’s my best friend….but I don’t like to talk about my feelings so I keep them to myself…..there’s only 1 person whose able to get me to say what I need to say without fail and that’s only because eventually I just tell on myself and let it out, but if I can help it….I won’t say a word!

I always feel whenever I do express myself, I wish I hadn’t, my emotions get too much for me and so when I am being honest about my feelings, it makes me feel as though it’s too much for other people and then I get upset with myself where I’m always thinking “I always say too much or write too much” and then I wish I could just take everything back into a vaccuum (or hoover is some places) it’s already hard for me to want to be open with some people and so when I do I always want to feel that it means something and is being understood properly and that I’m not just talking a load of rubbish shit and things like that…..but another thing that I’ve really tried soaking in this month is that, there are things that you have to be brave enough to say by yourself even if you find it hard to say out loud, you still should say it in the ways you do feel comfortable!

I know I’ve not written a lot these days and that’s because I was trying to challenge myself a bit, see if I could be open about specifics with just saying it, not by writing, but by actually saying it….spoiler…..it’s not really been vocalized too much and whenever I felt I failed to speak it out loud, I would get frustrated with myself because I would find myself going for it, but would hold back so I didn’t….however with every non vocal words….i’d force myself to write about it even when I didn’t want to….I felt like if I didn’t I was going to become angry with myself, due to the fact that I was holding it in.

It took a minute before I realized that, just because I can’t say it out loud just yet, doesn’t mean that I need to get upset with myself, I had to give permission and be okay with the fact that I use writing as a way of expressing what I have hard time saying out loud, not that I didn’t already know that, I mean it’s the reason I started this blog in the first place I needed something so I didn’t feel like I was holding everything in, so if writing is my way, then I have to accept that and remember it helps me to get my real feelings out, at the end of the day, I still try and so the more I try, the better I know I’ll become!

This month has also given me insight of what happens when you continue to hold yourself and take it from me if you can help it….do NOT wait too long….if you have something in your heart and on your mind constantly, don’t about too much, just go for it…..the longer you wait the more likely you are to lose it….I might’ve risked something extremely important to me and the fact that I always take forever on everything is one of my traits that I absolutely, I won’t say hate because that’s a strong word, even though I just kind of said it, but it’s one I really don’t like….although I understand…..it really does bother me….but the way I need to look at it is,

That part of it is done and has been like it for a while, but just because 1 road closes, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other back ways to take….so I need to be brave enough to go a different route, I’m not going to give up and although I know I haven’t been given up on…..I still feel like it’s my job to really do something this time around and not wait anymore, so however it’s going to play out….I need to allow it, because if I want to get there, no amount of words is going to get you there…..you have to be willing to really go for it, even if it does leave people upset with you, life doesn’t wait, so you have to not be scared to do what it is you want, you have to show yourself that you can do it and that you will, otherwise you’re going to be there waiting forever!

So I just hope that I didn’t lose that chance to proving myself and going after something that’s important to me, other then that, that’s everything I needed to say for this month….hopefully you all had a good month to May!

All The Love ❤ ❤ ❤

Lexa

It’s A New Dawn, New Day, New Month! Well…..Almost…..

Anyone else feeling exhausted!? This month is nearly over and I can’t tell you how tired I am, I’ve not been able to really sleep properly for the past few days, I just started getting a little bit of sleep, not fully, but somewhat! I don’t know if it’s just me that’s been feeling that way though….all I know is I’m ready for a nice chill break! Last week….let’s not talk about it actually….weekend kind of similar, but it was fine! We’ve arrived half way through this week with it being Wednesday and we’re on the last few days of October with Halloween being this Sunday talk about crazy yeah!?

We’re coming to November next week, hard to believe, but it’s true! I want to say that I’m looking forward to the arrival of November, I mean I am, but I’m also just very nervous about it….I have this trip planned for next week and I just don’t know how to feel about it, really….I want to be excited about it, but I don’t know if I should approach it with caution or if I should just embrace it regardless to how I’ve been feeling lately!? November is usually one of my favorite months during the fall season, it’s the first time I’m not sure how to feel about it…..although I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it before either to be honest!?

I never really understood why that is!? Why it’s one my favorites is what I mean….I’ve just always been drawn to it, like if I had to pick a new month to switch my birthday on, it would be November! Now I’m not saying I don’t like May….I’m glad that I was born during the Spring time, May is actually one of my favorite months and no it has nothing to do with that fact that I was born during that month, I just always liked May, plus I always felt it made for a nice name!

I’m just saying there’s just something about November that I’ve always liked, I guess cause it’s one of the Autumn months and Autumn is my second favorite season, Spring being my main favorite, again nothing to do with my birthday! There’s so much to this season….fall is the season of change, sometimes good and sometimes not always…..but still we have no choice, but to just allow it even when we may not want to allow it….I mean you can’t change a season, the only way the weather can change is if it changes itself! Sounds similar to how us humans change huh!? Some times it comes naturally while other days it may be a little forced!

One thing I’ve learned though is how important change is, we all know change is inevitable, there are things that happen that we may not want to happen and it can leave us confused, as well as unsure about a lot of things! One minute things are good and one minute you feel it shift and you don’t know how to feel about it when that does happen, what I’m saying is Change is frustrating ha! I used to strongly dislike change, but later down the line, I started to be okay with it, because I knew that it was needed in order to grow and be who you felt yourself transforming into, sometimes it hard though and you don’t always know the ways you’re changing, you just know that things are different with it!

You feel different, the way you used to see things are different and you tend to notice that what once was….is no longer the same, at least what it used to be anyway and not a lot of people like that, nor can they handle it…..but as much as you may want it to be, not everything is going to be in our control! You have to let people do what they feel they need to do, you have to allow them to grow and figure out what it is they want for themselves, not what you want it to be! Not a lot of people get that though….but it’s very important that we do get that and understand it as well….

It may leave us not feeling the greatest, but when you deeply care and love someone, all you truly want is just for them to be happy and so it takes a lot of courage and maturity to say “Hey if this is what you want, I support you” You always want people to be the best they can be for themselves even if they stumble a bit, it all comes down to just letting them know that you’re always going to be there, no matter what their choices are or the mistakes they make along the way, that regardless you’re going to love them anyway! We’re always so quick to assume or judge and although it’s not how we may want it to go, it’s how life is in reality and that’s coming from someone that continues to learn that….but that has nothing to do with November, it’s just what I’ve been feeling this season to, well feel like!

I have hopes for November though and faith, I need something to hold on to and those two things have always been with me since I was old enough to remember, I’m just hoping for something good to come from and I’m hoping that thing to be what I truly believe in and have always believed in….

I took this one when I went Pumpkin picking….

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Be Prepared…..

Before we start going on with this topic first i’d like to give it a bit of light by saying that this title, is also a song title, from one of my favorite movies the Lion King, I wrote it out and thought of the song because yeah I just did!!

Now this may get serious, but it may not, i’m not really sure how i’m expecting this post to go and maybe I don’t need to, so i’m just going to let it flow out how it’s wanting to……they say it’s important to be prepared always, yet at times there are moments that even when you think you’re prepared, there’s always a chance something’s going to end up catching you off guard……no matter how many times you may do your best to make sure

You’re not missing something, a lot of those times you may because you can’t be prepared for everything, sometimes a lot of the things that happen, comes from it being unexpected and yeah not knowing what to expect can get stressful and there’s going to be moments where you may get frustrated or angry even, but when we start to feel those emotions……we have to keep in mind that it’s not going to always be something we can control.

Things happen and sometimes even when you’re prepared, it doesn’t mean that you’re always going to be fully prepared, prepared……maybe that doesn’t make much sense…..but what i’m trying to get at is……even when things seems to be a little out of control……be prepared for the moments that you’re not prepared for, it’s like that saying expect the unexpected….

A lot of the time we don’t know a lot that is going to happen, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t always suit up for it in the best way possible, we may not know what’s to come, but we have to believe that whatever it is, it’ll be good in someway and who knows it may just be the very thing that we’ve been looking for without realizing or most likely something we didn’t see coming that we didn’t even think about in the first place!!

When we least expect it, we will soon find or come across something that might just be hard to explain at this moment, but will soon make much more sense to where we know and feel it to be just that thing that we needed……it’s all about patience and trusting the process that whatever is coming, we may not always be entirely prepared, but for the most part we’re still prepared in a way, though there’s times we don’t always expect it.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

For The Moment….

For the moment, you have to let it go, I know it’s hard and you may not want to, but for the moment you have to, it’ll come back around, you just have to give it time to do so, everything takes time, no matter how fast we may want it to go or how bad we want it to happen, it’s still going to take time, if we tried to rush everything we had going on, we wouldn’t be able to see all the progress we’ve made along the way, when we try and rush things we don’t give it the time it needs to fully unfold, sure it can turn into a stressful matter because we don’t know how everything will play out….

Not knowing can get pretty frustrating, but trying to rush things to happen is much more frustrating, because you’re expecting there to be quick results, you’re wanting everything to happen right away, you gotta give it the time it needs to come together, what is yours, will always be there for you, it’s not going anywhere, just because it may go for a while doesn’t mean that it’s going to go forever, it’s still there, but sometimes it has to go away in order for it to come back to you better.

It’s not always clear why and at times it’s not going to be and that’s okay, but you need to know there’s nothing to worry about, things just need time, you gotta give it time, trust that everything is working in the order it needs to, for the moment let the worries, stress and everything else go, put it to the side and let the control of wanting everything to play out a certain way go.

Everything will soon fall into place, but for the moment let it go, anytime you’re feeling this way, look back at this post or find a way to sit with this feeling and accept it, don’t fight it so much, instead try and look at it with different eyes, try to understand it and even if you don’t truly get it, know that that’s okay, but don’t feel you need to give up, you don’t have to give up,

Just GIVE IT TIME, LOOSEN UP and relax, stop stressing, it’s going to work out and it will come together, so take a breather, recollect and trust, keep that hope close to you and keep it in a place of safe keeping until then.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa