Saturday Evening…..Part 2 (Oct 14, 2019)

Last time on the part one side of my Saturday evening post, I talked about something I didn’t like…..being mocked, let take a read back on that shall we!?

Recap: I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did, which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different, but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him…..

but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to be funny……yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much.

And we’re back, I know that was probably lame by the way, I wanted to try something different as an opener though, was it a sink or swim!? I have no idea, let me know your thoughts on it, you might actually prefer to forget it and hey that’s okay, I might actually look back at this later in time and think “Oh gosh, that’s bad, why did I think that was good!?” I might also laugh, because I tend to laugh at most of my lame attempt at things, well things I thought would work, but probably didn’t…..carrying on now (you’re welcome) finishing the rest of my Saturday evening and night post,

Yeah the bonding, connection experiment thing, didn’t work all that well, I mean there was someone I talked to, which was nice, the chats that we had, they were alright, I can’t say they weren’t, because we did talk for quite a while, now i won’t say we bonded, bonded, at least not in the way that I would normally connect with someone, but they were pretty cool to talk to.

Overall though, I just didn’t feel like I fit in with them all that much, I felt like I was just there, tagging along and nothing else, but that…..I did debate on going home straight after the movie was finished, but I thought let me try a little bit and see what else can happen, was it worth the stay!?

Meh….it was okay, I mean I chatted with someone, but if i’m being honest, I was kinda already done being there after a while, I just don’t think that was my scene or crowd, I felt like I stuck out so much being there with everyone, everyone just pretty much did their own thing, which is fine….

It just sucks when you’re within a group and feel like you’re not suppose to be there……..but it is what it is…..I did at one point get a little anxious, started to get a little green in the gills (queasy) I just wanted to say green in the gills because I thought it was cool, yeah haha. Moving on, I could’ve really used some mint/green tea on Saturday, but I had water with me so that kinda helped keep my stomach leveled.

by the way I wasn’t like that the whole time, it was just after everyone got together again when the movie was finished, my friend likes doing group photo’s after a big movie and when there’s a lot of people, luckily though, no group photo’s we’re taken, which was great because to be honest I wouldn’t had wanted to be in the photo and I know that sounds wrong to say, but I would’ve felt awkward had we took a group photo that night.

After everything was over, I came home and had a tiny, mini breakdown to myself, I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but yeah it kinda just happened, I ended up calling a good friend of mine, one of my best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in a while and yeah we had a pretty good chat, it was nice!!

We listened to some music, watched some videos, laughed it was good, we don’t always speak, but when we do it’s always good, we ended up having a 3 hour conversation on the phone, we started at 10pm and finished around 2….in the morning, yeah I know, crazy, that’s the latest i’ve ever slept in a very long while…….but again it was good talking to her.

Saturday was something, it wasn’t a bad time, but it wasn’t the best either, I got to sorta hang out with my old friend even though I barely saw him at the same time, only in the beginning, he’s more outgoing, with me it depends who i’m around, if I feel like i’m going to get along with you pretty well, I can be pretty outgoing, but if it ends up being how it was Saturday, there’s a strong chance, that i’m going to feel pretty awkward and might not talk all that much, but it was quite the experience I guess you can say……

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Alright Okay, Okay Alright….

These are the words that i’ve been saying to myself today so i’m going to use it as a title to this post, reason you ask!? Well i’m feeling slightly on edge today, i’m pretty much everywhere let’s just say and i’m rhyming wow can you believe that!? I’m having to keep myself extra focus even though i’m not having really much to focus on and that’s why i’m having a little trouble keeping my thoughts centered……..

I’ve been thinking again about careers not too intensively, but just slightly deep thinking about what i’d really like to do you know!? I’m going to try and keep this from sounding like another frustration kind of post, because I want to be able to think about this and work it out calmly without bringing my stress levels up and feeling anxious.

Which I already started to feel, the anxious feeling, stress not that much, but I know it’s standing in the background somewhere, as for my nerves well they’re mixing all around my stomach at the moment so i’m feeling very breathy today, you know trying to keep myself from going over the meter, not sure if breathy is a word, if not well it is for this post (it actually is a word I looked it up) i’m calm though don’t worry, i’m just in thought is all……I know they say to not think about it too hard, I try not to, but it’s just hard not to want to at least have something in mind, know where you’re possibly going…..I guess it’s just been one of those days, i’m alright now.

I hate the whole feeling on edge kind of days, it leaves you feeling like you need to be doing a million and one things and has your head just running all over the place, it’s just hard not to feel on edge when you’re still wandering and wondering where you’re going to be headed and whether your heading in the right direction at all…..

I know it’s no good worrying so much about it, the best we can do is just to keep moving even when we’re feeling edgy and unsure, but even if we are feeling that kind of way, we have to know and believe that things are going to be alright and that we will get where we’re suppose to go.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Saturday Evening…. Part 1 (Oct 13, 2019)

So this weekend was something, Saturday probably more something then yesterday sorta, it’s just been a pretty weird weekend all together, shall I tell you about it!? Hopefully you said yes because i’m going to anyway, well i’ll tell you about Saturday at least….Sunday…..let’s just talk Saturday okay!!

Alright, so I went to watch a movie with an old friend on Saturday evening, plus a group of other people that I didn’t really know, but it was okay……for the most part, before I even got to the movies, I started to get really nervous, but I did my best to try and relax and tell myself it’ll be fine and everything. One thing I can tell you is I liked the movie, we went and watched Joker in case some of you are wondering, if I had to say anything about the movie, i’d probably wouldn’t know what to say actually…….

I don’t really know how to put that movie into words, but at the same time I don’t really know how to review movies in general so yeah…..however, I did feel a lot watching it, it was interesting, it had a lot of stuff to it, it was also pretty mad in a sorta gruesome way, don’t worry, I won’t spoil it, not that I could, you watch it if you want, I enjoyed it for what it was though.

but let’s move on from the movie and let’s talk the group we were watching the movie with…..i’ll say it in less words than I normally would and as nice as possible……I FELT SO OUT OF PLACE BEING THERE!!…..like extremely out of place, seriously i’m not kidding, I felt like I walked into the wrong room or something, I kept expecting something different to happen, but nothing would, I mean things happened just not in the way I liked…..

It was just wrong like trying to put a square block into a rectangle wrong, like you know when kids have those shape things to put the right shapes where they belong and most of them try and see where the other shapes can go before putting them in the right place!? Yeah it was something like that or when you put a land turtle in water knowing it’s suppose to be on land…..you get the point i’m sure, but yeah it was quite the evening/night.

I mean don’t get me wrong it was fine being with everyone and watching the movie, but goodness were the vibes just not there, as much as I probably shouldn’t say this, sitting in the movie theater with all of them, actually felt like I was sitting in the movie theater for the very first time by myself, everything just seemed and felt off, even the movie portion of it.

It was like I was placed there randomly, I kept hoping to get some kind of familiarity of some sort, but it wasn’t quite working all that well, even though I knew one person, I still felt out of place……it’s crazy, when you’re in a crowd and you see that even the person that you know is unfamiliar, you start to really think…..what’s even crazier though is a stranger can seem more familiar then someone that you actually know……which is insane!!

I say that because there was someone that I saw that seemed and looked familiar to me, yet I don’t ever recall seeing her before, but I had this feeling as though I knew her from somewhere, but I didn’t as well…..that was just a little random thing that happened, but anyway let’s continue on…..

In the beginning when I arrived at the cinema theater, there was a moment that I didn’t quite enjoy all that much, but before we get there, i’ll tell you real quick on the first meeting when I first met two of the group members, so I tried connecting by talking about anime shows, now i’m going to be straight with you, when it comes to anime, i’m not really a super fan,

Like i’m not apart of the fandom is what I mean, but i’ve watch a few shows here and there, ones that I have found interesting, long story short though, I tried to converse, start a conversation and oooh goodness did that go well *note the sarcasm i’m using here*

Okay so the person asked me how far I got into an episode one of the anime shows I was going on about and I went to explain the last episode I saw, because I didn’t know the name of the episode and yeah it just sounded like I didn’t know what I was talking about……it was so awkward……I knew what I was saying and trying to explain, but yeah the person quickly went back to reading the book they were reading and I went to say how i’m not the best at explain and they were like “I know what you’re trying to say” they most likely didn’t, but I just left it alone and wondered off somewhere……

So that happened for one……the next part is the one that I didn’t quite like very much, the same person I tried to converse with, about two anime shows, ended up doing something that I didn’t find funny and my only friend, the only person I knew in that group he joined in beautifully, but don’t worry I got him back later for it, he didn’t know, but I made sure to mess with him a bit at the moment he least expected it, it was fun.

No, but in all seriousness I knew they were joking and I know that I probably shouldn’t have taken it the way I did which I will admit, gotta gain a little bit more of a backbone I suppose, but still if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, mockery is probably not a good impression starter, because you don’t know how someone will take it, had I known the guy for a bit of time and he did that…..it’d probably be different,

but I had just met him and after that happened, yeah I made sure to keep my distance from him, I could’ve said something, but I didn’t, because I was too busy trying to keep myself calm and keep from making a bigger fool of myself…..emotionally, but I know it was no harm done, i’m just not a fan of mockery, unless i’m really close to you and I know i’m able to throw it back at you, playfully of course, then i’m fine with it, but if i’m just meeting you for the first time and you’re just doing that off the bat, to try and be funny,

Yeah I don’t know how i’m going to feel about you too much….but anyway that was just a moment during the evening I could’ve done without, but it’s fine……okay so I decide to make this a two parter post, the second part will most likely be shorter, i’m only making this a two parter because this ones pretty long already so with that, I shall see you all in the next post!!

To be continued….

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

From Me To You…..I Hope You Read This….

I’m writing a message right now to you, but i’m not sure whether to send it or not, i’m afraid if I send it, you’re going to ignore it and not bother looking at it and i’ll just feel like i’m talking to myself…….

I know you’re not really wanting to speak and you’re figuring everything out, although I feel you might’ve already figured what you wanted to out. I see and hear your messages loud and clear believe it or not, if only you knew how hard I try to keep myself together everyday, it’s a challenge, I don’t always win at it, but I manage to keep it at a fine level for a good amount of time……it sucks that it’s this way and I just wanted to let you know that the last message I sent wasn’t to be taken in a way that was final,

I was just giving you the space you wanted and I don’t know if that was a good thing or if it was the worst idea possible, I know you’re doing fine, I can see it. I feel like the worst person ever and that’s the honest truth, I wasn’t trying to push you away, even though you said many times that the situation would do that and although you say it’s not me, I feel like you sorta might think it is a little, I don’t know……..

I know i’ve not given back what you gave me enough and I know you’re probably hurt about it, because it’s pretty much the same situation again that you wanted to avoid…….I tried to have you avoid that, but I guess I failed at doing so, I shouldn’t, but I take great pride at blaming myself for all of this happening and I don’t expect, nor do I want you to feel bad, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel and how I have been feeling for a long time,

I wanted to talk to you about it, but I never could say that to you, because you will always just tell me that it’s not my fault and that you know I wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t change the fact that in a way, I will always feel as though you’ll think of it as it happened again and that’s why you went away from me……I can’t help, but apologize for it, I don’t know where we’re standing right now, but I feel as though I might already know.

I always saw you as my best friend as well, but I don’t even know if you still want to be that, I feel you’re mad at me and I hate it when you’re mad at me, sometimes i’m mad at you, there’s times where I was mad at you, but didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. I know the situation is the reason for all this as well as other things, I tried very hard to fix that…..

No one listens as you know, this here isn’t about me, it’s about you and what you’re feeling, I hate not knowing how you’re feeling, i’ve asked before, but I get you don’t like repeating yourself and you shouldn’t have to, but I learned keeping things in is the worst thing you can do, but I guess maybe you felt as though telling me things didn’t matter. Like your feelings didn’t matter, which they always did to me……I don’t know if you resent me, it feels like you do, believe it or not I can feel your anger and disappoint and i’m sorry, you were the last person I ever wanted to do that to.

You know the last thing I wanted was to ever hurt you, but yet that’s what I did, i’m still trying to find a way to fix it somehow even though I know you’re most likely done, I guess sometimes you just stop caring. I wish I could that….but I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t…..maybe that’s why people walk all over me, because I care too goddamn much, but i’d be lying if I said I’d stop caring. Even when people don’t want to be bothered,

I still care, most of the time I can just forget and move on, but I can’t in this case, I can’t just forget and act unbothered, because I am bothered, I can forget it for a moment, but then it rushes back like a hurricane to the point where I can’t handle it, but I do my darn best. I hate this feeling and I can’t shake it no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re doing it well, I don’t feel like a thought anymore and I guess you can say everyone was right, right!?

I’m suppose to prove everyone wrong and I don’t really know how to do that, which gives everyone the satisfaction to say I told you so, just like you said, again I don’t expect you to feel bad, not that you would for a second. I know you kept giving me options and I kept telling you not to, because I had a feeling that if you did, you would leave and I wouldn’t speak to you anymore. We’d always said we’d speak, but I guess for a long time we just ran out of words to say, you’re all about action and i’m just words and I guess everyone knows that……every conversation we had with that, plays in my head, not all at once, but in different sections, I don’t know how to action things properly, i’ve been doing my best to work at it though.

I wish I could just send this to you without having to post it, but I can’t, how else will you see this!? If you want to hate me, you can, I was suppose to keep you safe and keep you reassured, but I failed to do that, I wanted to and still do, but I can’t until I figure myself out huh!? I’m never going to wish you harm or worse things, I care too much about you to ever do that and I love you too much to do that, plus you don’t deserve it.

Major loss that’s what you said, I had a feeling you’d go, I just didn’t think you’d go completely, but what was I to expect when you said “it’s going to push me away” I really made a mess didn’t I!? I was supposed to better for you, but I don’t think I ever was, only when I was around maybe, but I wasn’t really the best supporter was I!? I was supposed to keep you out of your head, but instead I had you go back into it, maybe not on purpose,

but I did, I think about you and your health a lot and I get sad, because I don’t know how you’re doing and i’m always afraid that it’ll happen again, but this time it’ll be my fault because of the situation and I hate that I feel like that, but it’s the truth, you may not think I care, but you’d be wrong to think that. I don’t know how else to talk to you, but I don’t know if you even want to talk to me anymore, it seems like you’re better off without me from the looks of it, but I don’t know if that’s true. I used to know you so well and I still feel like I do, but at the same time I don’t, I want to talk to you so bad, but I don’t know if we’ll still have words to say to each other…..

I guess you were right when you said it’ll hurt the other person more than you, if that’s not accurate I don’t know what is. I always want you to be happy and well, you’re always in my mind when I think of that, whether you still want me in your life in someway or you would rather just pretend I never existed, I still want you to be happy, I always hope it would be with me, but if you’ve taken things as final and you’re happy not talking or everything anymore, just know i’m still going to want the best for you,

because whether you believe me or not, you deserve that and I know you know that, i’m proud of you everyday and am really happy for you, for everything, i’m happy you finally found a career your going to enjoy for the rest of your life, i’m happy for how far you came and for starting your all girls team that you wanted to create……all I wanted was to make you happy, but if i’m unable to do that, I want you to let someone else do that for you.

I don’t like thinking like that, but I wanted to say that, i’m not giving up, because I don’t want to, I just don’t know how long you’ll want to wait, but I think you might be done with waiting and I get it, you have everything set and I still am stressfully trying to figure it out, I sometimes wish I would’ve figured it out a long time ago because then I wouldn’t be worrying about everything so much now…….

And before you say it or think it, I know you tried helping, don’t ever think I forget that and that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but like you said there was only so much you could do and if you don’t help yourself no one else will and i’m trying to that. I don’t know if I have anything else to say, but I hope you talk to me and I hope you still want me around,

I’m not going to beg you because begging and chasing isn’t the best thing to do, but I am trying to fight here in someway whether you see it that way or not, I hope you do see it because i’ve never in my life have done this before and i’m scared and if i’m being honest I have no idea what i’m doing and I just feel I keep doing everything wrong.

If you want to talk, you know I have nothing better to do at the moment and i’m just gonna say it like that because it’s true, I know you’re busy and your focusing, i’m not trying to take you away from that whatsoever, but whenever you have the time, I hope you call or message back, i’d like to hear your voice, I miss it and I miss you, but if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine, I just hope you do talk to me at least.

I’m going to stop writing, because this is starting to become very long, but I do hope you’re okay and that you’re doing well, you stay safe and be careful and I hope you’re taking proper care of yourself, seriously!! I love you with all of my heart that’ll never stop ever, no matter how hard I try at it.

P.S. Sorry for this very long post, for those reading this, I needed to get it out.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

The Talk….

No not that kind of talk if your wondering, it’s more serious, although that kind of talk is serious too….we’re not going to talk about that here though. Hearing the words “we need to talk” or “I need to talk to you” is one of the few words that makes my stomach sink, I mean let’s be real,

No one like those words, it always leads to a conversation you don’t want to hear majority of the time, yet have to face sometimes. It’s just one of those talks you’d rather avoid than talk about, but it’s the only way to talk about things that need talking about, avoiding it only makes the prolong of it worst and more serious and you end up feeling terrible because you knew the conversation needed to be brought up, but refused to approach it,

because of the thought of what that talk might turn into….a lot of the time it might not be all that bad, but it doesn’t mean the thought of it isn’t…..assumptions aren’t the best way to go though, you don’t really know what you’re going to be talking about, until you’re actually talking about it, whether it is “The Talk” or not, you should still talk.

Which talk approach is your worst nightmare!? “We need to talk”, “I need to talk to you” or “can I talk to you!?” share your thoughts below

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~

2 Weeks Away, Almost 3….

How’s everyone doing these days, hope well!! Now I know what some of you are probably thinking, “Where have you been!?” and if you aren’t thinking that well then, that’s okay, but I will sorta explain why I haven’t written anything new for the past 2 to almost 3 weeks, I think the longest i’ve went not posting is about a few days maybe a week, this times a new record, we surpassed a week of not posting, can we get an hurrah!?

No i’m kidding, I haven’t posted on here for a reason, you see i’ve been away due to my brain thinking a lot mainly on where i’m going or want to go at least……there’s a lot of things that I haven’t really expressed on here, I might do that one day, not sure when exactly, but one day……

I still haven’t gained that much courage to do so just yet. Now even though I haven’t written and posted anything new on my blog in a good while, I have been still writing, just more handwriting then typing, i’m actually close to filling one of my journals, not quite finished, but it’s getting there i’d say.

So yeah, i’ve been trying to really think on what I want to do (career wise) this isn’t anything new really, it’s something that i’ve been switching back and forth with for a good while now, i’ve just been putting it off for a good amount of time and you know what that’s no one else’s fault but mine, you think you’re fine with something, but then realize you’re not.

So yeah there’s that for one……i’ve also been trying to get better at certain things…..still sorta working on that……i’m kinda feeling a bit of stress and pressure and that’s me doing that to myself because I really want to get somewhere and feel good about it, I mean we all do don’t we!?

There’s a lot let’s just say, but i’m doing my best to work it all out so I could move forward from where i’ve always been stood, if that makes sense!?

I must say this has got to be the most i’ve written in a while on here, which is surprising for some reason, because normally I write a lot, in my journals at least, i’m not sure how often i’ll be posting on here, I kinda purposely stepped away from here just so I can get my head straight and that, plus i’ve been wanting to make this blog better and i’m not sure in what way I want to do that, maybe it’ll be more personal or something, i’m not sure yet.

Hopefully it’ll all just happen naturally, but yeah that’s just a bit of an update I guess you can say, I don’t know what else to say, I hope you’re all doing well and having a good day sorry it’s taken me a few weeks to write, I kinda felt as though I didn’t have much to say so I didn’t, I have missed it though I won’t say I didn’t, i’m always on here believe it or not haha……

That’s all I have for now, but I will post something again soon, maybe not this week or maybe, who know, I might surprise you and post something one of these days or during the weekend, i’ll go based on if I feel I want to say something or how i’m feeling, right now it’s just how things are going,

But you guys enjoy the rest of your day or night depending on what time of day it is where you are and i’ll write to you guys again soon.

P.S. Since we’re coming to the closing days of Summer I thought i’d share something I made a while ago, I was meant to post it, but never did…..

All The Love ❤ < 3

~Lexa~

Let’s Talk Procrastination (July 10, 2019)

Originally Written July 9th

Procrastination can seem all well and great, but the more you put something off, the more you’ll wish you would’ve done it earlier, take homework for example why were most of us so keen on putting it off so much!? I mean yeah I get it, it wasn’t always fun and it was a bit annoying having to bring home work, I mean we could’ve easily just done it in school.

Maybe that’s why people went to study hall (study period for some) or tried doing their work during lunch hour so they wouldn’t have to worry about doing the work at home, but even if we had to take work back home, what was so wrong with getting it done when we knew we had it!? Why did we always make a big fuss and always see it as some chore all the time!?

Had we just gotten it done when we needed it to be, I don’t think the stress with having to do it would’ve been so bad, but because it’s easier to put things off for later, we don’t think of it as being that big of a deal, because in our minds if we don’t get to it now, we’ll get to it eventually….

Only when it does come around to “eventually” by that time we would’ve already forgotten about it, at least until it starts to kick in that we were meant to do something and later remember what that something was, which then causes us to go into panic mode, to where we then stress even more about it…..yeah okay, we probably would’ve still stressed about it,

However our stress levels would’ve most likely been way lower if we got it all out the way first, instead of dealing with it last……but this isn’t just about homework i’m talking about, that was just an example, procrastinating things in your day to day life also leaves you to stress……

We all know life is already stressful no matter how we may try to look at it, so why add more stress then the stresses life already has to it!? We’ve all procrastinated, i’ll admit i’m probably one of the biggest procrastinators you’ll ever know and or meet, which is why i’m writing about this……

Well that and I heard someone mention homework off a video I watched yesterday and it had me thinking about why it is that we always used to or still try our best to put it off so much…….

We may think it’s not a problem and that it’s fine to procrastinate and sometimes it is when you know you need a little break off something, that being said however, it can get pretty stale after a while if you procrastinate too much (believe me) eventually all that leaving for later will start to weigh on you, causing much more to be done than what you originally started with, leaving you to feel way more overwhelmed, which will have you really wanting to put things off for sure.

Now you’re left mentally and sometimes even emotionally and physically crashing all the time……my point is…..maybe if we procrastinated a little less, we probably would get so much more done, as well as feel so much better for it, knowing we got to it earlier instead of waiting to do it later.

By doing that it gives us more time to relax, getting rid of most of the worries and stresses in our minds……I must say though, some people do thrive more on leaving things for later, but to each their own I guess, as long as it’s in a healthy way, I guess it’s alright…..

P.S. Before you say it, no I was not procrastinating on this post, I was just looking it over…..an extra day…..

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~