Well it’s about 4am at the current moment, yeah I’m not really sure why i’m up so early either…..I’ve tried going back to sleep, but I haven’t had much luck so here I am writing a post this early in the morning! Hope everyone’s morning is going well so far, I know it’s been a bit of a while since I went ahead and wrote anything….I’ll be honest I haven’t really felt the need to write, lately I’ve only been writing every now and again. I guess that’s just where I’m at currently just writing every now and again, when I started this blog, it was because I felt I didn’t really have much of a voice, I was having a very hard time expressing myself out loud vocally
It was thanks to a very good friend of mine where I found out about WordPress, she helped me set it up and everything and from there I now had a place to express myself freely in anyway I liked and saw fit, plus I always used to write anyway just in a journal, I never really thought to express my feelings using a blog site before, but after learning about it, I started writing to help me get my feelings out that were hard for me to express naturally! It’s coming to 4 years of creating this blog and although I don’t write as much to when I first started, I still hold a very big fondness of the site I created….I know it probably sounds weird that I’m speaking about this especically so early in the morning, let alone randomly, but I’m hoping that you understand regardless!!
I’m always writing, even when I’m not writing if that makes sense!? No matter where I am or where I go I tend to have some kind of journal on me, I may not write in it all the time, but I know that if I were to need it, all I have to do is go into my back and jot down a few things and then some….but I should try and be honest and say that I do sometimes get tired of writing and when I say it like that I don’t mean it in a bad way, I’m not saying I don’t ever want to write again….I just for one know myself very well and I know that me not writing just won’t happen, but sometimes I write a lot, like more than I expect sometimes and although I’m always amazed by how much I get out that way…..
I just would like to be able to show myself more and be okay with expressing it vocally without feeling like I’m going to say the wrong thing or just not have that same confidence that I do when I am writing, I really don’t like having to be afraid of saying what it is that is on my mind and hoping that when I’m expressing it, I’m not sitting there wondering to myself “is it going to be understood, will I say it the same way I’m thinking it!?” because I always know that it’s not going to come out the same, it always comes out a totally different way and having to explain what I actually mean to certain people, just….raises my Anxiety and stress levels up, I try not to be that way at times, but sometimes it’s a little impossible especially when you’re someone with a lot of patience who does their best to make sure they’re really understanding people and what their feelings!
That all being said however, as much as I may not want it to be sometimes, writing is my way of expressing myself clearly without much worry, even when I’m afraid to say things….it always shows patience with me as weird as it is to say, but it’s the truth! If were to tell you the many times I was terrified of writing things down, always getting myself anxious and stressed out because I didn’t know where to start, but eventually something would come out and I would just follow it from there, I know I’ve improved in being more open when I speak,
but I also know that I still struggle to get my true feeling inside out, especially when I need it to count most and that’s what where I need to build my courage towards standing up for the things I feel strongly about regardless to how it gets interpreted and if I have to write it down just to get it out there, then I need to not be afraid of using what works to my adventage when I feel myself struggling the most to get it out vocally…..it will always leave me emotional, for different reasons 1. because of how easily frustrated I get with myself and 2. because I know that once I do get out what it is I need to get out, that I am going to feel loads better about it and say “see it wasn’t so bad….sorta” right after i’ve given myself so much headaches about it!
It can be a lot to deal with sometimes, but I know that the only way things move forward is by trying even when it seems hard, I always feel the need to say something, but never do because I hold myself back a lot, I know I’ve evolved a lot from before, it’s just putting those things into orbit that I have trouble with, oh and in case it wasn’t clear….this is me also apologizing for not writing in a while, even though I did say that my writing was slowing down and that I wouldn’t be writing as much, but still I always feel I should at least write sometimes….but I’m giving myself permission to be okay with writing when I feel it to be necessary,
We’re all human and we shouldn’t put ourselves in a tight hold so much, but anyway it’s almost 5:30am as I wrap up this post, I’m going to try and get a bit more rest, I’ve only slept 4 hours, I’ll be missing the sunrise, but that’s okay I’ve seen half of it, hope you guys have a good rest of the day, take care and stay safe!
All The Love ❤ ❤