25-26

Quite the title I know, I’m just kidding haha! Don’t really know why I chose that as the title, it just randomly came to me and I thought it was a neat one, plus it’s pretty themed too, I’m just going to say that….I’ve got a couple thoughts that I wanted to get out, I’m doing a bit of self reflecting, been kind of doing it for about a few days now, maybe a couple of weeks….I tend to self reflect on random occasions to be fair! I already sorta let most of my thoughts out yesterday as a Podcast episode, although I haven’t actually quite posted it just yet, I’ve been thinking about it though, I don’t normally like to talk upon my own thoughts and feelings as I’ve stated a few times before on here…..I don’t like talking about what I’m thinking, It feels weird to me, I don’t really like having that kind of low energy type thing….

I prefer to talk about things that I enjoy and mean a lot to me instead of my actual feelings, because no one really likes to share that kind of thing especially when you know you’re in this deep thought mode, you try and brush it off and put it away, but you tend to notice that it’s never quite far from you and with the way I always find myself thinking….no one wants to hear that all the time and that’s just how I genuinely feel, it’s why I rarely share on what I’m feeling, like I know it’s alright to share your emotions at times, but I just always find it hard for me to do, because I never can find the words to make it sound less…..complaint like, I don’t know why I always feel it to be such a bothersome thing, I just always do! I know there’s nothing wrong with it…..I just have a hard time expressing my true emotions to people,

I rather try and work through my current thoughts in the moment when I’m feeling it and not have to talk about it to people…..but I guess when you need to let it out, you need to let it out….keeping it to yourself isn’t always the best thing, although if it’s not your thing then you shouldn’t force yourself, because eventually when you feel like you’re ready to express yourself, I always feel you will in some way or form….we all have moments and sometimes we all just need to allow ourselves to have those moments, be it in private, sharing to someone else or just when you feel you may need a bit before actually being vocal about your thoughts and emotions, it all comes down to preference!

When it comes to sharing on things that can be hard to share, it’s okay if you’re the type that only shares every now and again and if you’re someone that finds it works better when you share you’re thoughts not daily, but every other day that fine too, but if you’re someone that rarely shares because you find it a bit hard or because it’s not your thing that’s alright too, whatever works best, we just got to accept the type of person we are when it comes to that, I’m in between every now and again and rarely, sharing upon my thoughts is something I don’t really like doing, but if I feel that I need to, in order to give myself a bit of a clear and refresh mind then I will even when it’s a bit hard,

For the most part though a lot of my thoughts lately are out of my worries and fears and me overthinking everything, not that I do it on purpose, I really do try not to think the way I do, but sometimes my mind can just get to me a bit, I guess you just have to allow it to be sometimes as well as do your best to not let it get to you too much! How have you all been feeling lately!?

Update A.K.A Promo Time!!

I ended up re recording that podcast episode I was talking about earlier in the post, I wanted to do it differently, so if you would like to check it out you can find it here: Just Chatting it’ll be up on Anchor as well as Spotify just a heads up (on Anchor it’ll say May 7th and on Spotify it’ll say May 8th, I think the times a bit different on Spotify I’m not really sure) but it’s just a chill chatting session on a few thoughts I had similar to this post, just with a bit more added so if you get curious check it out!

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Let It Go, Let It Be (These Are Also Song Titles)……

Just so everyone’s not confused, I only wrote this so I could look back at the title and make myself laugh, it’s not clever and i’m sure it’s not funny to you guys, but doing things like this, reminds me to laugh for the moment and not think too much about things so intensively, which can be hard, because I know the more I write on the post the more i’m going to end up back in my mind slowly, so it helps to have titles like these so while i’m writing,

I’ll remember to laugh for the moment on how weird I can be, even when it’s not really all that weird, don’t mind me much……that being said though, since we have a title about it, how about we talk upon this topic a little.

First i’m just going to say, i’m not really sure what i’m writing really i’m kinda just free styling here….that’s not a word is it!? I’m kinda just writing as I go along pretty much. When it comes to letting it go or it be, whatever that IT is, we’re not talking about the clown here just to clarify okay!!

It’s more about things in general, although i’m pretty sure i’ve talked about this before, but sometimes you have different perspectives, so it’s okay if you want to talk about things more than once.

Letting things go or be, what does it mean!? Well it can mean a number of things to be fair, but it mainly means not over stressing, not allowing things to get to you as much, especially when it’s not in your control or if it something really small. Now we all know this right!?

Yet……we don’t keep it with us even though we know it’s important to, that being said, sometimes, even most times, we can’t help, but hold things close, especially when it has special value or when it means something to us.

It should be easy to figure out what should be held on to and what shouldn’t, but there are moments and times where it can become a little gray when it comes to knowing what to keep and hold on to and what we should let be and let go of, now this could be for anything really, but where i’m trying to get at is more life with a side of mind related…..we all know life is quite the ride and everything and we also know how our minds work.

Combine those two and boy will you have quite the show ahead of you, a lot of the things we choose to grasp on to are things we aren’t always able to control, yet we think we can or we still try to, then you have the mind, which likes to store and store until can’t anymore, however it still believes it’s possible, now that wouldn’t be a bad thing, if what it was storing was helpful and important, sometimes it’ll do that, but most times it’ll have unwanted things that really aren’t great, yet it feels like it has to be there.

For example, you know how sometimes we read books or are looking at something important, interesting, stuff like that and there are things you want to remember or think “hey that’s cool, let me go and keep that in mind” so you highlight it and circle it, you feel all this information coming to you and you love it, so you continue to add things here and there to remember, but as you’re reading on and looking at things,

You don’t realize how much you’re actually highlighting and it’s not until the very end when you look at everything and notice that you’ve apparently found everything to be important so now you have all this neat information, yeah, buuut…..you aren’t able to tell what is actually really important and what is just extra information.

True fact actually: I used to do that, if I was reviewing or looking at something, I wouldn’t really know what was important and useful, so I ended up highlighting everything I felt was important, but would later end up really confused and would stress out trying to figure it out.

That’s how are brains can be, it’ll highlight everything and keep it and then later go into over drive trying to decide what’s actually useful and what’s not, most time it can’t tell the difference so it’ll just store everything, why!? I don’t know and maybe that’s the reason it does that because we ourselves aren’t always sure what is worth holding on to and what we should just let be……we give ourselves too much stress and a lot of it, just comes from small things, things that shouldn’t give us stress, but does, it’s a weird thing.

Trying to understand it, is also a weird thing, because even if we know it’s ridiculous and we’re upsetting ourselves with it, we still allow it……why!? I wish I could answer that, but I wouldn’t be in a good place to do so, because I do this, I do it a lot, you try not to, but it’s not easy, that’s why we always do everything we can to distract ourselves and although it’ll help for the moment it’s only temporary……..sometimes we don’t have a choice though, somethings are okay to let go of with ease, including the small things,

but with other things, sometimes we don’t want to get rid of it completely, even if we should or think we should, we don’t, because when it means a lot and it’s something you want to always keep near you, you hold on to it, you keep it in a safe place, it may go away from you, but it doesn’t mean you have to forget it or let it go…..sometimes you gotta just give things time,

You can keep it and put it away for a bit, try not to over clutter it though okay……keep it as clear as possible and when it’s time to return to it, you will. In the meantime however, anything that shouldn’t be stressed or thought about, you know all that junk mail and useless thinking, yeah just put that to the side and clear it away when you’re able to, no need to make everything look like a dump, just really go through and sort it all,

If you need to categorize it go right ahead, if you know it’ll take some time, take all the time you need, it’s not easy letting go of things, when you feel you’ve got all that you need sorted, you’ll know and feel it!!

As for stressing on small stuff and things you can’t control, those are best to let be, at least until you’re sure you’re able to figure out something, but for most things, you just gotta give it time or let it work itself out, because one way or another, you find that in the end it somehow always does.

All The Love ❤ ❤

Lexa

Never Mind……

I messaged yesterday after not replying for a few days, in that message I asked if we could speak sometime soon, it took me a while to actually ask that question, every time I went to write back to you that was one of the main questions I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve, I did in the end and also explained how I understood everything that you wrote back to me……after I sent my message back, I went over in my head on whether sending you that message was good or not, i’m not sure if you read my message back or if it was left discarded, thinking back on it now,

Maybe I should’ve just left it……maybe I shouldn’t have continued on knowing I already knew what you were trying to do, I can’t help, but leave things alone I guess, I was just hoping we could speak you know!? But maybe that was a stupid idea……I haven’t checked to see if you did see it, normally I would, but I just left it this time…..I saw a post on where you asked what’s the actual point, I didn’t know what you mean’t,

I thought maybe it was about all of this, but last time I thought something, it wasn’t actually confirmed…..you know sometimes I wish I could just let things be and not bother so much about it…..I just always have the need to keep on pushing, you’d think persistence would be a good thing, but I guess it’s not always, sometimes it’s better to let things be, kinda like the Beatles song, I know you don’t like old songs much, but you know I always have to make a comparison to some kind of song, I can’t help it…..

My mind is asking me why i’m even writing this, I don’t know, I guess a part of me thinks that you’ll see this way better than you would if I just messaged you, I feel this is the only way i’m able to actually speak to you in way, even though I know there isn’t much talking be heard back.

I need to leave it alone don’t I!? I should leave it alone, all this does is make me seem and sound pretty needy, plus desperate if i’m being honest, cause who doesn’t love that right!? I just miss you, whether that’s I should or not isn’t a question, because I do, even though we haven’t spoken for over a week and counting, you’d think that I wouldn’t be bothered as much and i’d just be used to it by now, but….i’m not, because every time it gets close to the time we’d normally speak, I still have that hope that we will,

but then the time goes and we haven’t….I shouldn’t expect it, but I do and I know I need to let it be, you already explained you’re reasoning twice and here I am, focused on wanting us to speak, but that’s not what’s important, focusing is and keeping focused as well on where you’re wanting to go……why can’t I just leave this alone!?

You say things won’t change because they haven’t and never will, but I still think they can, maybe that’s stupid, but so be it, I still have hope with it, maybe I should just throw away the hope, but I can’t, because I still believe in us, maybe that’s wrong, but my heart doesn’t want to let it go…….

I want to say never mind on the message, that’s what I originally planned on writing out, but at the same time I don’t, because I want to talk to you and I can go and forget it, but it’s not that easy, however i’m not going to force it, if you want to talk and I mean properly talk, I have to let you do so when you want to, if you ever want to…..again this is probably stupid to even write all of this, because I know you’re focusing and not wanting to be distracted dealing with drama and everything in between.

What am I doing!? look whether you see this or not, just never mind all of this writing…..i’m just writing out of missing you and just wanting to hear from you, this is stupid……I just hope you’re well and doing alright, I proud of you by the way, always am and really happy for you, I saw the photo earlier you posted, i’m sure you’re doing a very great job with the team….

I hope they’re having a good time learning from you……i’m going to stop writing now, despite all I said in this, I really do hope you’re doing well, I still will want to always hear from you, that’ll never change, but if I don’t i’ll try and continue on dealing in the best way, none of this is to make you look bad or anything like that by the way, I don’t know if that’s what you think or not, but i’m just writing this because it’s the only way I know how to cope with not talking to you like I normally would, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but just know i’m always going to secretly want you to…..

Anyway, I love you always and miss you always too!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

The Cycle Continues….(July 10, 2019)

“It’s a circle, I mean cycle” may not seem like the grandest lyrics, but it sure is one of the best lyrics written by the band Paramore, from their song Ignorance, it’s quite simple, yet still affective and one of my picks for the song of the day (if you haven’t heard the song, i’d say give it a listen, if you like that kind of music anyway)

Now i’m not sure if any of what i’m going to write is going to make sense, but let’s see how it all turns out, it might just do……I don’t really understand why some of us do this, why do most of us feel the need to put energy into something that isn’t going to benefit us in the long run!?

Seriously….I mean I get that there are just some things that are hard to ignore, but why bother going out of your way to let certain situations, things and even people affect you!? I could understand if the feeling of the affect is mutual, especially if the affect is coming from certain people, but if you find yourself being the only person getting fired up and agitated all the time, wouldn’t you just leave it alone after awhile!?

Why feed the beast, if you know the beast isn’t going to budge when you’re feeding it!?……I know this is probably a random example, but it came to mind so i’m going to use it, you know in the movie Napoleon Dynamite where he’s trying to feed Tina the Lama or Alpaca dinner (not really sure which one it was, might’ve been a Lama if correct, but I could be wrong)

In the movie he’s trying to feed her, but she’s not eating the food that he’s giving her and you can see, if you’ve watched the movie, how the more he tries to feed her and he sees she’s not eating, the more he ends up frustrated about it…….now i’ve watched that movie a couple times……it’s quite a classic actually, maybe not for everyone and that’s okay.

Thinking back at that scene though, if he noticed she wasn’t eating it right away, had he just maybe given her the food and left it for her to eat when she was actually hungry, it probably would’ve kept his frustration levels low…….what i’m trying to get at is, instead of getting angry or annoyed and letting your emotions run wild as well as continuing to have your stress levels on the roof all the time,

Try just leaving it……actually scratch that, leave it alone, keep it from affecting you so much to the point where it starts affecting everyone else around you, because you may think that your the only one that feels the way you’re feeling, but deep down whether we want to see it that way or not, deep down we know that our moods and the energy that we tend to bring out, affects everyone that is near……

However when it comes to people and certain situations that’s giving you more of a cloud over your head, it doesn’t necessarily mean that person or situation is going to put the same cloud over everyone else’s head, the only thing that will affect everyone is the kind of energy that is being put out…..so if your energy isn’t the greatest and sucks (sorry, yet not sorry) as well as your attitude, It’s going to scatter out on everyone else……

The same way rain falls from the sky and unless you enjoy gloomy days (I do at times, not always, I enjoy rain though) I would avoid or at least minimize and not bother as much on the things, situations or people that really doesn’t keep you on at least a good neutral scale.

If it’s affecting you more than it should and it’s taking you away from having some kind of peace of mind, stop going out of your way to feed it, stop worrying about it, just take the Beatles advice and “Let It Be”

It’s not worth your energy, time or sanity……if we can be good at avoiding calls and messages to some people, than we can manage to not put ourselves in harms way with things that drives us up the wall. We have the ability to tune people out, which by the way isn’t always ideal, because it’s important to listen to people when something is being said, even if we don’t want to hear it and we’ve all been there and done that many times…..

Overall, don’t worry about things that aren’t your things to worry about, especially when it involves only you with a sword, just focus and worry about you, as well as the things and people that keep you grounded.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa~