Self care and Well other things…..(Oct 9, 2019)

Tell me, how does one actually self care!? This is a question that i’m sure most people wouldn’t ask right!? Yeah well this is me, asking genuinely, you see i’m not the greatest at self caring, relaxing isn’t really my strong suit and I just find it to be really weird focusing on just myself, i’m just not use to tending to my own needs and that, I tend to worry about everyone else’s before my own, it’s just how i’ve always been.

I know they say it’s important to take care of yourself, I mean how are you suppose to take care of others if you don’t look after yourself right!? It’s the same for when they say how are you suppose to love someone else, if you can’t love yourself!? The needs of others are important, but so are our own, and I think that we forget that sometimes, we get so focused on wanting to look after others, we forget to look after ourselves in the process.

You wouldn’t think self care to be so hard to do, but it’s actually pretty difficult to keep an eye on, especially when your the type who rarely focuses on themselves…..i’m the type who will put her focus into everyone else’s feelings, making sure they’re doing alright and never ever really take a step back and look at how i’m doing……sometimes you think you’re able to just run at full speed and not be bothered, but you shouldn’t and can’t spread yourself too thin, it’s not healthy and although most of us know that, we still end up doing it anyway and that’s because we don’t really know how to do anything else, that’s what happens when you care too much.

You give all this love and caring away, without leaving any for yourself and then you find yourself wondering why everything happened and why you aren’t happy and you don’t ever want to feel like that, you have to know when to think of yourself and say, i’m worn out, tired and I need to pick myself up and take a break to recharge myself.

It can hurt doing that, but sometimes you need to do that, you need to set a bit of boundary for people and let them know, i’m only human, I can only handle, but so much and I need you not to cross this line right here, it’s important to make sure people know that as well as being able to say no when you feel you aren’t up for something or just when you know you should, all of what i’m writing right now is something that I lack to do,

I’ll admit that, I think a good amount of us have trouble with this, it’s hard to think of yourself when you have all these responsibilities and people that you care about and all you want is to see them well and happy and you shouldn’t think of that as a bad thing, there’s nothing wrong with caring and wanting others to be happy, but it’s okay to also care about yourself as well and wanting your own happiness, if your not happy then you can’t share happiness with others and that’s important…

Something i’ve been learning is you can’t give out positivity if you yourself aren’t feeling positive, I used to be the most positive person around, always tried looking at the glass half full, always tried to help people and everything, but along the way, I guess I just stopped feeling that and now i’m having to really look at everything differently and it’s so hard. When it comes to what i’m doing in life, I don’t like to give myself a break, I stress so much and that’s me doing that to myself, I worry so much about everything and if I do something that I know is a step in the right direction, to me just because it isn’t a big big thing I won’t see as progress, even though it is,

It’s kinda like when you’re a kid and it’s Christmas day and you’re expecting this huge Christmas gift, but the gift that you receive is not what you expected so you’re kinda like “oh, well that’s cool” you’re happy, but you’re not happy you know what I mean!? I think we just expect everything to be this big thing and when it’s not quite like that, we’re left feeling a little down, disappointed or as if we’ve failed when in reality, we shouldn’t.

I know I probably went off track a little, i’m hoping everything makes sense, but what i’m trying to get at is just because things aren’t always instant doesn’t mean there isn’t anything great leading to it……and when it comes to self care one of the things that is important to remember is, not too be so hard on ourselves and to know that it’s okay to take our time with things if we know we need it, it’s okay not to be positive all the time, it’s okay to tell people hey, I need me time for a while so please just give me that and it’s especially okay to put yourself first at times, we shouldn’t feel selfish or bad in doing that, it’s important to balance it out I know, but if you feel you need to really get back to your good ole self, know you’re able to, without reason.

I don’t know much about self care, it’s a weird thing for me, but I am learning that it’s important in order to live happily and healthy, i’m finding it really difficult to really allow myself to worry about just myself and make sure that i’m okay before anything else, it’s going to take me a while to do that, but I am doing my best to work on that, I don’t ever say I need it, other people have to tell me I need to do that, which is sad, because you should already know what your needs are, but again it’s a difficult task at hand to get that in our heads on just how important it actually is, i’m still getting it through mine, because I worry too much on everything else going on.

I’m sure it’ll stick, it’s just going to take some time, but if someone ever tells you they need space to take care of themselves first, as much as you may care, you have to let them do that and while they’re doing that, you have to make sure you’re doing good as well, even if it’s hard, even if it’s weird, i’m pretty sure it’s worth it in the end.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Ramble Of Thoughts…..

When we step back and look at all that we’ve done, what do we hope to see when looking!? Are we looking at something great or something lack luster to what we hoped we’d see!? Pondering and analyzing everything that’s lend up to where we are, we sometimes don’t know how exactly to feel with everything at hand. Have we worked things out in the best way possible or did we just give up on something way too soon then we should’ve!?

We ask ourselves to where we are actually heading and why does it take so long to get there, when you look back and observe everything, all these emotions and thoughts just pour out in front of you and sometimes you can’t stop it from happening, you try and try not to let it overwhelm you and you do your best to ignore it all together, but because we’re human,

We find masking our emotions and turning off all our feelings and thoughts isn’t as easy nor simple as it seems and sometimes you wish you could just take all those feelings, emotions, thoughts and everything in between and just put them in a box, leave a few holes in it, because we aren’t that careless of discarding them without letting them breathe a little and just ship them away, far away, so we wouldn’t have to feel them so hard.

You think by doing that, things would be okay, but then you come to the realization that bits and pieces of all your emotions, thoughts and feelings were left behind and you’re right back at square one. Now you’re not just feeling one emotion, but you’ve got everything so mixed up and jumbled together that you don’t even know what to do with them anymore, you know you can’t just throw them away and forget about them forever, there’s always something that’ll have you be reminded of them……

Although you wish you could just un-feel everything and just have one emotion on auto-pilot, you know that that’s not happening, you’re pretty much saying you’d rather feel empty by doing that and you think “yeah” that doesn’t sound like a bad idea right!? Sure maybe, but it doesn’t mean that what’s happened and what’s happening is going to go away for good.

You maybe not feel, feel, but you still will if that makes any sense…..and that’ll be because there’s always something that’ll remind you, if the impact was big enough, the only difference is you’ll be without emotions dealing with it, which may be a little worst because you’ve prevented yourself from feeling to where now you feel nothing at all, numbing and suppressing everything you’ve ever felt, plus the feelings and emotions to come……

With everything just racing around and slowing down before you, all at the same time, it’s hard to really know how to feel, at first you feel everything and then you only feel a little, later everything decides to rush on back to you out of nowhere and then you find a different emotion appears.

It’s just all confusing, you’re feeling all these different things, that you don’t know how to deal, one minute you’re happy, the next sad, later you find yourself getting frustrated and angry, but then you’ll have a moment thinking to yourself on whether you should’ve even felt that way in the first place…..not only is your brain confused, but so is every part of you inside.

How we deal with all these mixture of emotions at times is beyond me, when they’re running separately, it’s manageable, because you know what you’re dealing with, so you’re able to find a way to work with them,

But when you’re having to deal with them all at once, you find yourself scrabbling to find the best way to keep them under control which just calls for a mess to be made and in those moments, you kinda just want to turn them off and keep yourself on auto pilot, especially when they come in heavy. That being said, as much as we’d like to, we can’t just turn off those emotions, the closest to not worrying about them would be to numb them all together, now what is numbing!? To numb is to not feel,

You numb to keep any kind of pain away that you may be feeling, to keep from dealing with it, but just because you aren’t feeling anything, doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything, that probably sounds confusing i’m sure…. when you don’t feel, you do in a way, it’s just a little different, your purposely trying not to feel and when you don’t feel, you can’t react.

At least not in a proper way, you still feel it though, no matter what you think and tell yourself, it’s just suppressed deep down. When you numb away everything and shut off every emotion and thought possible, you’re just pretending it doesn’t exist and that makes you feel more without having to actually feel and what I mean with that is, just because everything else is closed off, doesn’t take away the fact that, you’re still holding on to an emotion, it’s just being kept on one level, you can’t react if you don’t know how and so you keep yourself in a neutral state to help you function.

Which is understandable, we all know that sometimes it gets too much and if helps to numb an emotion for a period of time then why not!? but to turn it off completely that’s something you never want to do, you want to be able to feel something and if you can’t, it kinda beats the whole purpose of being human doesn’t it!?!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Never Mind……

I messaged yesterday after not replying for a few days, in that message I asked if we could speak sometime soon, it took me a while to actually ask that question, every time I went to write back to you that was one of the main questions I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve, I did in the end and also explained how I understood everything that you wrote back to me……after I sent my message back, I went over in my head on whether sending you that message was good or not, i’m not sure if you read my message back or if it was left discarded, thinking back on it now,

Maybe I should’ve just left it……maybe I shouldn’t have continued on knowing I already knew what you were trying to do, I can’t help, but leave things alone I guess, I was just hoping we could speak you know!? But maybe that was a stupid idea……I haven’t checked to see if you did see it, normally I would, but I just left it this time…..I saw a post on where you asked what’s the actual point, I didn’t know what you mean’t,

I thought maybe it was about all of this, but last time I thought something, it wasn’t actually confirmed…..you know sometimes I wish I could just let things be and not bother so much about it…..I just always have the need to keep on pushing, you’d think persistence would be a good thing, but I guess it’s not always, sometimes it’s better to let things be, kinda like the Beatles song, I know you don’t like old songs much, but you know I always have to make a comparison to some kind of song, I can’t help it…..

My mind is asking me why i’m even writing this, I don’t know, I guess a part of me thinks that you’ll see this way better than you would if I just messaged you, I feel this is the only way i’m able to actually speak to you in way, even though I know there isn’t much talking be heard back.

I need to leave it alone don’t I!? I should leave it alone, all this does is make me seem and sound pretty needy, plus desperate if i’m being honest, cause who doesn’t love that right!? I just miss you, whether that’s I should or not isn’t a question, because I do, even though we haven’t spoken for over a week and counting, you’d think that I wouldn’t be bothered as much and i’d just be used to it by now, but….i’m not, because every time it gets close to the time we’d normally speak, I still have that hope that we will,

but then the time goes and we haven’t….I shouldn’t expect it, but I do and I know I need to let it be, you already explained you’re reasoning twice and here I am, focused on wanting us to speak, but that’s not what’s important, focusing is and keeping focused as well on where you’re wanting to go……why can’t I just leave this alone!?

You say things won’t change because they haven’t and never will, but I still think they can, maybe that’s stupid, but so be it, I still have hope with it, maybe I should just throw away the hope, but I can’t, because I still believe in us, maybe that’s wrong, but my heart doesn’t want to let it go…….

I want to say never mind on the message, that’s what I originally planned on writing out, but at the same time I don’t, because I want to talk to you and I can go and forget it, but it’s not that easy, however i’m not going to force it, if you want to talk and I mean properly talk, I have to let you do so when you want to, if you ever want to…..again this is probably stupid to even write all of this, because I know you’re focusing and not wanting to be distracted dealing with drama and everything in between.

What am I doing!? look whether you see this or not, just never mind all of this writing…..i’m just writing out of missing you and just wanting to hear from you, this is stupid……I just hope you’re well and doing alright, I proud of you by the way, always am and really happy for you, I saw the photo earlier you posted, i’m sure you’re doing a very great job with the team….

I hope they’re having a good time learning from you……i’m going to stop writing now, despite all I said in this, I really do hope you’re doing well, I still will want to always hear from you, that’ll never change, but if I don’t i’ll try and continue on dealing in the best way, none of this is to make you look bad or anything like that by the way, I don’t know if that’s what you think or not, but i’m just writing this because it’s the only way I know how to cope with not talking to you like I normally would, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but just know i’m always going to secretly want you to…..

Anyway, I love you always and miss you always too!!

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Just Chatting….(Oct 5, 2019)

Hey everyone, if that’s not the most standard way of a greeting you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what it right now, but since we said it, might as well continue going with it right!? I hope you’ve all been having a good weekend and doing well, I know I haven’t written in a few days, i’ve already checked that thought off my list so you guys don’t have to……I really don’t know what to talk about if i’m being completely honest here, I thought i’d just chat away if you don’t mind, sometimes you just need to do that, you know!?

This weeks been quite something I gotta say and I don’t know in what way to put it and when I say that, I mean more on whether it was in a good way or not….I guess it was okay, but at the same time, not, I really don’t know how to feel about these past few days, today’s been a mixture of feelings, it was alright, but not, like I really don’t know how to feel today, if I can say anything about today though it’s that i’ve been in thought mode,

but if i’m being honest, i’ve been that way these past few days, okay maybe a week or two, see, i’m everywhere I tell you!! I’ve been doing my best to keep focus and occupied and it’s worked, it’s only when i’ve stopped and i’m not focusing on something to keep my head from spiraling to where I start to go on a journey let’s just say, there’s a lot of things i’m feeling that it’s hard to pick one out of the bunch, I hate when that happens…..

Also I had this very weird dream last night, yeah I know random, but it’s true, I don’t even know where to begin to describe it, I only remember bits and pieces of it….let’s see, the setting was an odd setting, I think I was brought somewhere as like a helper of some sort I really don’t know, it seemed as though I was in some kind of institute or asylum maybe, at least that was the feel of it anyway, there were people in the place where I was who, i’m not really sure how to say it, but they were like patients pretty much, they weren’t fond of having company, I don’t remember much about the dream, but there was one part I remember kinda pretty well,

I was across from this girl, she very light skinned and had blond hair, I remember asking her, her name and she did not like that question and kinda started going away from me, she didn’t say words, but she made a sound, I then told her she didn’t have to tell me her name and she calmed down a bit, I then started getting closer to her to let her know I wasn’t trying to harm her or anything, I don’t think she thought I would harm her,

But from what I could remember she seemed unsure, at least that’s how i’m going to describe it anyway I think I was going for a hug of some sort, the last thing I remember was getting close to this random girl and then her turning and before I woke up it looked like she was going to bite me or something, it was like a weird vampire/zombie kind of situation,

It’s the only way I could explain it, I know this is weird dream to have, but it was a weird dream, I didn’t quite understand that one and i’ve had a lot of weird dreams before. I really don’t know what this post is about, I just kinda wanted to write something today since it’s been a few days, sorry if this ones very short and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,

If it helps i’ll add another random thing to this post and say that it’s midnight and i’m just having dinner and when I say dinner I mean just rice, reason I stepped out for a few hours I ended up coming back around 11 and yeah I made the quickest thing to have in my stomach before I go to sleep which will be soon, most likely around 12:30am of some sort,

Hopefully i’ll be able to sleep, i’m really tired, but sometimes it takes me a while to actually get to sleep and my minds been pretty preoccupied today so we’ll just see how the night goes in terms of catching some z’s and that, I should be okay, but I don’t know….I guess I should close off this post now,

I was going to write something else, but i’ll just save it for later on today, since it’s now Sunday, I hope you all have a very good night and that you all are doing well, speak to you soon.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa

Late Night Chat…..

So it’s midnight, first day of October, goodness gracious did that go by quick…….I just wrote and reviewed one of my posts, that’s very long for those who happen to read it, sorry for the longness of it, I had a lot I needed to get out on a personal level, i’m sure you knew that if you did read it, it has a lot of feelings that I felt obviously not good ones, hopefully you just bypassed it, but i’m sure you didn’t, I was very nervous posting that.

I knew once I did, it was going to be there for everyone to read, but I wrote it for a reason, for someone specific and the only way I felt they’d possibly look at it is by posting it, I debated sharing it on my social medias because of how personal it was, I haven’t posted it on my social medias, it’ll be there here though, they say when you feel something, you have to let yourself feel it and be aware you’re feeling it and you have to ask yourself why you feel that way, I never ask myself why I feel a certain way, I just know i’m feeling it and when I feel it, I feel it really hard and I just let it out naturally.

If you read my last post you might be wondering what that was all about, i’d tell you, but you might already have it pieced together and if you don’t I wouldn’t want to share how it is because it’s very personal, not personal enough to write all that I did I know, but the writing and feeling behind it was just a little letter/message, remember when I said I have a hard time expressing how I actually feel, yeah out loud I can’t say how i’m feeling, to most people, I think it as loud as possible in my head, but never express it.

Writing helps me express those pent up emotions like that, I didn’t know what else to do, I just had a lot in my head and the first thing I did was grab my laptop, okay I grabbed my phone first, but when I realized I had a lot that wanted to come out, I grabbed my laptop and typed away, I sat with what I wrote for a bit, read it a few times, when I felt it was alright I posted it, I then started to panic a little and re looked at it, I took a few things out then changed some stuff and then updated it and then I sent it to the person I wrote it for after going over my head about whether it was a good idea or not, I still don’t know if it was, they might not even read it….I hope they do.

I’m really tired and it’s pretty much 1am already, I should sleep, but i’ve been having some trouble sleeping these past few days, so me sleeping now i’ll just end up tossing and turning and thinking too much, relaxing isn’t really my strong suit, you see, I try to, but i’m just not good at it.

It’s now 1am am as i’m writing this, I could sleep now, but the question is how long will it take me to sleep!? I hope what I wrote didn’t come off in a way that to how I tried to prevent it from coming out, if that makes any sense, these would be the thoughts that keep me up in the night. I just can’t help not thinking, when something goes off balance to me, everything is just off and it feels weird and although weird can be a good thing at times…..

The weird i’m talking about isn’t, it’s uncomfortable to where you just can’t sit still and you want the time to go by quickly, but it doesn’t and it drives you mad and you just don’t know what to do with yourself in that moment. I don’t have anything else to say, I think I said the last of what I wanted for now, so i’m going to try and get some sleep, I don’t know if i’ll be able to, but we’ll see, I let you know in my next post if I have anything good to write tomorrow now today, but anyway thanks for reading and listening if you did, you all have a good night or day since it’s morning already.

All The Love ❤ ❤

~Lexa